Team Dysfunctional: Mission Konoha
by Sheyrena Wyrsabane
Summary: Naruto fix-it: starting from the day they graduate from the Academy, someone's going to make sure Naruto and his friends get the happy endings they deserve, without having to cross a river of angst this time. That is, if they can survive their lazy sensei, training mishaps and, of course, each other!
1. Genin at Last

Disclaimer: Just like everyone else here, I don't own Naruto. Unfortunate but true.

Warnings: Some violence, because, well, ninja, but nothing too graphic. Some non-graphic child abuse for Gaara and Neji's childhoods. Definitely some bad language. I think that's about it.

A/N: This story is complete, so expect regular and frequent updates. I wasn't quite sure how to label this story because technically it's time travel, but as my beta said, it doesn't really read like a time travel. It's definitely a fix-it. And humor bordering on crack. Just give it a try?

I also messed around a bit with canon and characterizations. For instance, Hiashi and the Fourth Kazekage seem to have had their own redemption arcs in canon, but they're just not nice people in this story. And I made most of the characters a lot more lighthearted and fun, particularly Tenzou. Also, I'm making Tobi and Madara the same person and taking some liberties with the way the Sharingan works. I still don't understand that whole situation and don't really care enough to dig deeper. How many super-powered Uchiha do we really need running around, anyway?

My beta insists that it's fanfiction and doesn't need to conform exactly to canon, so I'll stop rambling. Besides, I only stayed true to canon to the extent that I could take the same set of events that led to ridiculousness and disaster in the anime and shape them into something more fun. I'll admit it; I'm a sucker for a happy ending. I think everyone deserves one.

Except the bad guys.

And Hiashi. I really hate that guy.

Enjoy!

* * *

Kakashi leaned against the railing with practiced nonchalance, taking no small amount of delight at the brats' almost visible irritation. Ah, genin. So little time, so many dreams to crush.

After delivering his best non-introduction he settled back and cherished their frustrated little expressions.

Wait, why was he here again?

Oh right.

"You on the right. Introduce yourself."

"Alright! I'm Uzumaki Naruto! Blah blah ramen blah ramen…blah blah Hokage! Believe it!"

…Seriously?

"…okay. Uh, next?"

The pink one blushed and squealed and probably said something but Kakashi was definitely not listening anymore. A fangirl. Lovely.

Blush. Giggle. Squeal.

"And what do you hate?" he prompted, unable to listen to this a second longer.

"Naruto!"

Kakashi rolled his eyes and turned to the last kid, the one the Hokage 'fully expected to pass, _Kakashi_.'

"I am Uchiha Sasuke. Emo emo emo emo."

Kakashi blinked at the sudden wave of killing intent. How had no one noticed how messed up this kid was? It was definitely something he should look into. If he kept them. Which he wasn't going to.

The four sat looking at each other and Kakashi wondered if someone was going to say what they were doing next.

Oh wait, that was him.

"Well, you're each…unique—" _Or dysfunctional. Or stupid._ "—and have your own ideas." _After a fashion._

He told them about their first mission and took off, confident that this bunch of idiots would be back in the Academy by tomorrow.

* * *

"So," Kurenai began, "tell me about yourselves. Why do you want to be ninja?"

Not surprisingly, the Inuzuka kid was the first to jump in. "I'm Inuzuka Kiba, and me and Akamaru want to be the strongest ninja ever! No one can beat us! Especially not some stupid girls! Yeah! That's right!" He pumped his fist in the air a few times, then jumped up and started doing what she could only assume was some sort of inspirational dance, the dog barking enthusiastically to the beat.

"Stupid girls?" Kurenai echoed.

"Uh…" Kiba mumbled, mouth hanging open as he tried to think of something inoffensive to say. "I didn't mean you sensei! Or anyone here!" He threw his hand out and almost punched Shino in the face.

"I'm not a girl," the other boy informed him.

"I meant Hinata, idiot!"

"…"

"Say that to my face!"

Kurenai sighed. Inuzuka, what can you do? And to be strictly fair, his mother and sister were a bit…intense. "Nevermind, let's just move on."

"I am Aburame Shino."

Kurenai blinked. She hadn't realized there was an Aburame graduating this year, but with those glasses, she probably should have guessed. "And…why do you want to be a ninja?"

"Even the smallest insect can draw the attention of a predator, when separated from its colony."

Kurenai almost couldn't hear the quiet reply, muffled by his high collar, but once she deciphered it…well, it still didn't make any damn sense.

"Oi, what's that supposed to mean?" Kiba demanded hotly.

Kurenai snapped her mouth shut. Now she couldn't ask without looking like an idiot. Aburame, what can you do? "Right." She turned to the Hyuuga girl.

"Umm…" She ducked her head, blushed, and began poking her fingers together.

Well, it wasn't typical Hyuuga clan behavior, but Kurenai wasn't exactly comforted. She'd hoped that Hinata's timidity during their earlier meeting was a one-time thing, but apparently not. How did she end up with the weirdest team? "Hinata?" she prompted.

"I…I am…that is, my name is…Hyuuga Hinata," she stuttered. "And I…I want…to become stronger!"

Kurenai watched the top of Hinata's head for a bit, but that appeared to be the end of her answer. Well, she thought charitably, at least she knows what she needs to work on.

"Well, I'm Yuuhi Kurenai, and I'll be your team leader while you're still genin. I am a genjutsu specialist, and my goal is to produce a matchless team of genin on my first try." She eyed them ominously. "So be prepared to work hard!"

Kiba met her gaze with fierce determination, but Hinata just squeaked and continued staring at the ground. Shino didn't react at all.

She sighed. "Well, that's all for today. Meet me on Practice Field 8 tomorrow at dawn."

The kids filed out obediently, and Kurenai went home to revise her plans for tomorrow. Regardless of that little scene within the confines of the compound, if the Hyuuga heiress publicly failed a simple survival test, Kurenai would be explaining herself to Hyuuga Hiashi.

She shuddered and walked a little faster.

* * *

Asuma didn't spend too much time in bars, no matter what Kurenai claimed, but he was very familiar with the famous Ino-Shika-Cho team, whose teamwork was the stuff of legend.

"How did I get stuck with the two laziest idiots in the Academy?" Ino whined. "This is so lame!"

"Shut up, you're just mad because Sakura is on your precious Sasuke-kun's team," Shikamaru drawled.

Chouji opened a new bag of chips.

"What did you say!" Ino shrieked.

Asuma winced and rubbed his ear. Yeah, he was familiar with the legends, and these brats were _nothing_ like their parents.

"What does this have to do with why you want to be a ninja?" he threw out during a lull in the bickering.

Ino blinked, apparently only just remembering that he was there. "What?" she asked, in a more normal tone of voice.

Asuma twitched. "I asked you to introduce yourselves, and tell me why you want to be a ninja."

Shikamaru blinked. "Don't you already know who we are?"

"We certainly know each other," Ino added, glaring at Shikamaru.

"Well, yes," Asuma said, not able to argue with that logic. "It's just…something I have to ask you."

"Why are you asking questions you already know the answers to?" Shikamaru asked, clearly still bored.

And Chouji was still eating.

Asuma was getting a headache. "All right, fine. Akimichi Chouji, why do you want to be a ninja?" Maybe if he started with the sanest of the bunch…

Chouji shoved a handful of chips in his mouth before he started speaking, getting crumbs all over Ino's feet.

"Eww!" she shrieked, hitting that high register again. "You're so gross!"

"I want to be part of a strong team, just like my dad!" Chouji declared, ruining the effect a bit by giving them all a view of his partially chewed snack.

Still, it was a good answer. The day was looking up. "Great. An admirable goal. Now, Yamanaka Ino, how about you?"

To his horror, the loud-mouthed pain-in-the-ass-but-still-potentially-a-fierce-ninja morphed into a fangirl in front of his eyes. She even pulled her hair out of the high ponytail, fluttered her eyelashes and struck a pose. Asuma had a sudden mental image of Yamanaka Inoichi in drag, and fervently hoped that those rumors of Yamanaka being able to read your mind with a glance were exaggerated.

He shook his head sharply to clear it.

"I'm going to impress Sasuke-kun!" she declared, stars in her eyes.

Asuma opened his mouth to attempt a response, then closed it. What could he possibly say? Well, at least it couldn't get worse. "Nara Shikamaru?"

The boy blinked, apparently coming out of a daydream. "What?"

"Why do you want to be a ninja?" Asuma repeated, attempting patience.

"Oh. I didn't want to start job training. So troublesome."

Asuma twitched. "Whaaat?"

"My mom wouldn't stop bugging me, and if I'm a ninja, I get to do whatever I want. Like take a nap." He stretched out on the bench and, to all appearances, went to sleep.

"You lazy ass!" Ino shouted, interrupting her Sasuke rant to punch her teammate.

"I wish I were a cloud," Shikamaru murmured, ignoring her and his rapidly bruising face. "Just drifting along…"

Chouji opened another bag of chips.

Asuma despaired. Tomorrow he would be explaining their precious progenies' failure to three irate ninja. But at least he'd only have to deal with them for one more day… "Uh, does anyone want to know who I am?"

* * *

Kurenai was feeling very pleased with herself, though a bit tired, when she met her team the next morning. It had taken all night, but she was sure she had a plan that she could justify to the Hokage as a legitimate survival test, but at the same time was absolutely idiot-proof.

She missed a step when she saw that Kiba was standing on his hands, attempting to juggle three rocks with his feet. The dog was still sitting on his head.

No, Asuma had gone over the plan as well. It was completely idiot-proof.

"Listen up!" she shouted, pretending not to notice when Kiba startled and fell over. "Before you officially become part of a genin team, you have to pass my test. Otherwise, it's back to the Academy for all of you."

"What! No way!" Kiba protested immediately…and loudly. "What were all those exams for then, anyway?"

Hinata ducked her head, her shoulders slumping in defeat. "I understand…I wouldn't want to put my teammates in danger…because I wasn't good enough…"

Kurenai blinked. Idiot-proof or not, the team wouldn't pass if Hinata gave up before she even heard what the test was! "Here's the mission: there's a cat in the forest. Find it. You have two hours."

All three nodded and took off at a run, so at least they could do something professionally. But now she was at a bit of a loss. Originally she'd planned on weaving an elaborate genjutsu trap, but now all she had to do was wait. She should have brought a book. Well, they'd be gone for a bit even with their natural tracking abilities, so maybe she could catch a bit of a nap…

She woke up when someone gently shook her shoulder.

Jumping to her feet and pretending she hadn't just been snuck up on by a bunch of not-even-genin, Kurenai was all ready to give some kind of speech about how she'd been testing them (far, far too much time spent with Kakashi left her with plenty of ideas) when she actually took in the scene before her.

Hinata had a black eye and Kiba appeared to have a broken nose. All three were dirty, scuffed and a bit bloody. And how they could possibly have injured themselves on a simple D class mission didn't even make the top five of her list of questions.

There were three unfamiliar genin neatly tied up at the base of a nearby tree, looking just as beaten up as her own team, though significantly more embarrassed. Tora was sleeping on their bound hands, managing to look smug even in slumber.

And in a nearby makeshift pen were three village pets of the feline persuasion, two wild cats and what she was 90% sure was a tiger cub.

"We weren't sure which cat you meant, Kurenai-sensei," Hinata said sincerely, wringing her hands.

"Does this mean we failed our mission?" one of the strange genin whispered.

"Shut up! We found Tora, right?"

"Well, sort of…"

"Quiet, you!" Kiba snapped. "All this fuss over a stupid cat! I told you it was _our_ mission!"

Oops, Kurenai thought, in the tiny portion of her brain that was still functioning. I suppose I should have checked to see if anyone else was assigned to find Tora today…

"I'm sure you can have the cat when we're done," Hinata said. "We don't want to interfere with your mission…"

"Ugh, this is so embarrassing," the first genin muttered.

Tiger tiger tiger, Kurenai thought, staring off into space.

Shino stood guard over the pen, somehow keeping all the wild animals in place with just his lurking presence. And possibly some bugs, since that was always a good guess when an Aburame was involved.

"So?" Kiba demanded. "So did we pass?"

* * *

On the other side of the village, Asuma tapped his foot impatiently as he checked the position of the sun. He was very clear that they were supposed to meet him at dawn—so where the hell was his team? And what was that bizarre noise?

The noise turned out to be Ino berating her teammates, which he realized when the three delinquents emerged from the treeline.

"I can't believe you! Next time I'm telling your mother what time I expect you to be ready!"

"Aw, don't do that…" Shikamaru whined.

Chouji strolled placidly along beside them, a full survival pack over his shoulder.

Asuma blinked. It was bad enough that the girl was dragging Shikamaru along by his hair, but the lazy brat appeared to still be in his pajamas.

"Good morning, sensei!" Ino chirped brightly, dumping Shikamaru unceremoniously on the ground.

"What's good about it?" Shikamaru grumbled. "If I'd known making genin would involve watching the sun come up I'd have become a carpenter."

"Idiot! You didn't see the sun come up because you were _late_!"

Asuma hastily intervened before his hopes for the next generation were totally crushed—well, _more_ totally crushed. "Shut up, both of you. You're not genin yet. First, you have to pass a test."

That got their attention.

"So…is that what this is all about?" Chouji asked, gesturing at the labyrinthine rope course in front of them.

"That's right! This is the final test to prove that you're capable of being part of a genin team." He contemplated the inspirational speech he'd composed before actually meeting his team.

"We have to go through that! But look at all the mud! It'll get in my hair!"

Shikamaru snored.

Asuma sighed heavily. "Right, well, try to get to the other side. If you fail you'll go back to the Academy. You can try again next year. Try not to die, or whatever."

"Die?" Chouji repeated, eyes going wide.

Asuma shrugged. "People usually don't die at this stage, but I suppose there's a first for everything. Only a few teams pass every year anyway, so someone has to fail."

"How many pass?" Chouji demanded.

Asuma disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Chouji and Ino looked at each other in horror, then at the impossible maze that made up this training area. She took a tentative step forward and snagged a tripwire, forcing them to leap out of the way of a descending kunai.

They watched it quivering in a nearby tree trunk for a few seconds.

Then she gave Shikamaru a hearty kick.

"Ow! Hey!"

"Wake up, you lazy ass! There's no way I'm going back to the Academy! I've never let Sakura beat me before and I'm not going to start now!"

"Like I really care about that."

"Well care about this! If we go back to the Academy, I will personally make sure that you attend every single class! Just think…a whole year reviewing the history of Konoha and proper kunai trajectory…and all those extra taijutsu classes!"

"You wouldn't."

"I would!"

Shikamaru contemplated this dire threat, while his (potential) teammates held their breath.

"Well…I can always just sleep through class…"

"Argh! Shikamaru! Don't make me tell your mother on you!"

"Geez, tattletale." He regarded the rope maze. "If I tell you how to get through, do I have to get up?"

"Can you do that from here?" she asked, doubtful.

"I think it's probably designed for a full team," Chouji volunteered at the same time.

"Keh. It's just a puzzle. There aren't even any live enemies, so you can take all the time you need to figure out what to do next."

"Well…if you really think you can do it, you don't have to get up. Just tell us what to do."

"You'd better follow my instructions exactly."

"Yeah, yeah. Come on, Chouji."

"Right!"

Asuma, hiding in the bushes nearby, rolled his eyes and began writing his speech for the previous Ino-Shika-Cho team. Good grief, these brats were hopeless. Especially that Shikamaru.

The three not-quite-genin yelled and bickered and threw sticks at each other loudly and frequently. Asuma waited for them to fail so he could just get on with his morning. How did they even get to the halfway point anyway?

It took almost an hour before Asuma admitted to himself that, for all their complaining, Ino and Chouji were following Shikamaru's orders to the letter. And it was _working_.

Two hours later, he almost hyperventilated as the pair smoothly overcame the last obstacle. This rope course was specifically designed to promote teamwork—there was _no way_ a less-than-complete team could make it through. And aside from a few rescues with his shadow possession, Shikamaru hadn't moved from his lazy sprawl at the beginning!

"Great, you're done. Now you can either go all the way back through, or you can just take a step back and you'll have a shortcut out."

"Uh…Ino, I don't think…"

"I'm not doing this again!"

*splash*

"Shikamaru! There's a mud puddle here!"

"…oh, is there?"

"You're dead!"

"Shikamaru, run!"

* * *

"Oh, hey Kakashi!"

"Asuma, Kurenai! Isn't it a bit early to be drinking? It's not even eleven yet."

"Tiger."

Both Asuma and Kakashi looked at their fellow jounin with concern.

"Uh, what?"

"That's all I've been able to get out of her," Asuma whispered. "Not that I'm doing that much better. But hey—you know how it is with a new genin team. I mean, you always fail yours, so you must have some horror stories, too."

"Oh, so that's what this is about. They failed?"

"Worse."

"What, both of you passed your teams?"

"Yeah, well…we've got some real heavy-hitters this year. I mean, between the two of us it's like a who's who of the major clans in Konoha. Well, except for the Uchiha. Speaking of…you failed him already? The Hokage's going to kill you."

"Hmm? Oh, that's right…I'm supposed to be testing my team this morning."

"…forget the Hokage, your _team_ is going to kill you. How long have you kept them waiting, Kakashi?"

"_Tiger_."

"That's nice, Kurenai. Seriously, Kakashi, how long?"

"What, you think I should head over?"

* * *

Five hours after their scheduled meeting time, Kakashi finally drifted over to the meeting spot.

"Yo."

He frowned. The pink-haired fangirl and loud-mouthed idiot looked nervous, not annoyed. He'd really been looking forward to some fireworks.

"Wait, where's the Emo one?"

Again with the nervous looks.

"Well?"

"He—he's not here yet," the girl whispered.

Kakashi frowned.

"Well, it's not often I meet someone who's tardier than I am…"

Sakura shook her head immediately. "Sasuke's not like that! He's much too responsible and dedicated to his training!" She thought about what she'd just said. "Er, I mean…"

Kakashi just smiled, unoffended. "So…ditching?"

Both kids immediately shook their heads.

"No way, Sasuke's obsessed with getting stronger. He came to class sick once and threw up on Iruka-sensei."

"If any of you ever do something like that to me, they'll never find your body," Kakashi said seriously.

"Uh, right." Both kids looked suitably frightened.

"Hmm…I guess that rules out illness then, too…" Kakashi mused.

Sakura gasped. "Oh no! What if he's hurt and he couldn't make it! He could be bleeding to death while we stand here!"

"Aw, don't be ridiculous. How would he get hurt sitting around waiting for a mission, slip in the shower or somethin'?"

Sakura's face took on a very peculiar expression. "Hmm…maybe we should check, just in case."

Kakashi rolled his eyes. "Well, that does bring up a good suggestion."

Sakura stuck her tongue out at Naruto.

"…you want us to sneak into his shower?" Naruto asked.

"No, Naruto, though you can certainly try that if you get the urge. Let's go to Sasuke's house and check up on him. Whether he's sick, hurt, or just overslept, that's where he's most likely to be. Now, does anyone know where Sasuke lives?"

Two heads turned to Sakura.

"What?"

"You're the one who's obsessed with him," Naruto pointed out.

"I don't know where he lives! …not because I didn't try to find out, though. He's always super careful that no one's following him."

"Stalker."

"Shut up!"

"I know the Hokage supplied Sasuke with an apartment in the village," Kakashi volunteered, trying to get the conversation moving. He couldn't have lost the Last Uchiha _already._

"The Hokage?" Sakura asked. "Why would he need to get Sasuke an apartment?"

"Who knows? Everyone's so obsessed with Sasuke, think he's so cool…wouldn't surprise me to see the old man caught up in it…" Naruto grumbled.

"I'm starting to think that Sasuke did this 'team' a favor postponing my test…"

"People admire Sasuke because he _is_ cool, moron. He's so good at taijutsu, and ninjutsu, and he's so smart, and good-looking…"

"Yeah, whatever. Oh, hey; I saw Sasuke eating somewhere in the village once!"

"I've seen him eating too, Naruto," Sakura said patronizingly.

"No, no, not in a restaurant or anything, I think it was an apartment! I mean, it might not have been his, but it would be really weird if he just broke into someone's apartment to eat lunch, right?"

"Let's start there," Kakashi said, rolling his eyes.

The three departed to (possibly) break into a random stranger's apartment.

The apartment in question was totally empty, and not just in a hey-no-Sasuke kind of way. The only item in the entire building was an empty table.

After poking around for a bit, Kakashi located a piece of paper on the inside of the door that indicated that the apartment did indeed belong to one Uchiha Sasuke.

"Well, clearly he does not actually live here," the Jounin said finally, though even Naruto had already made that intuitive leap. "So…any other ideas?"

"Well…" Sakura began. "At the Academy, he would always arrive exactly five minutes before the bell, from Lotus Avenue. He would stop to buy breakfast in the market before he arrived and eat it as he walked. But he covered his tracks so perfectly, it was impossible to tell where he came from before he arrived at the market. He never went home for lunch; either he'd eat out or he'd sneak off, presumably to that apartment we just saw. And then after school, sometimes he'd train if there was no one else around, but usually he'd just say everyone was getting in his way and disappear."

Kakashi blinked. "Okay, that is a little stalkerish."

She blushed.

Naruto stared. "That's so boring! No wonder he's so good at school!"

"At least he's not dead last like you!"

"Children!" Kakashi snapped. They shut up. "Sasuke has been missing for at least five hours. Try to focus. Where could he be? Does he have a particular training area he prefers?"

Sakura frowned, and slowly shook her head. "I've never seen him at any of the usual training areas. Neither has Ino. And believe me, we've looked."

Kakashi cursed. This was rapidly reaching a point where he should alert the ANBU. But he didn't want to send the village into a panic over nothing. Or explain to the Hokage that he'd lost the brat. Then he had a bad idea. "There is one place in the village he could go that has a large training area, and he'd be guaranteed privacy. Though I can't imagine why he would _want_ to go there…"

"Where, sensei?"

* * *

Kakashi led them straight to a part of the village they didn't recognize.

"Who lives here?" Sakura asked, eyeing the high wooden fence apprehensively.

"No one lives here anymore, Sakura," Kakashi explained patiently, a strange tenseness about his face. "This section of the village has been abandoned for years."

"Hey, look at that!" Naruto shouted, pointing to the door. An Uchiha fan featured prominently.

"This is…Sasuke's family home?" Sakura asked tentatively.

"It was," Kakashi corrected gently. "Sasuke's family is dead."

"All of them?"

"Yes."

Even Naruto looked solemn at that.

"So…why would Sasuke come here?" she asked, tears in her eyes.

"That—is a good question," Kakashi said slowly. "There are protections around this place that are built into the very foundations, so if Sasuke wanted to be alone, it would be very difficult for anyone not an Uchiha to get in here. But it seems a little excessive just to get some privacy…"

"What do you mean, sensei?" Naruto asked, pushing the door open easily. "I can get in no problem!"

Kakashi frowned. "That shouldn't be possible," he muttered, probing the wall with his chakra.

"What's wrong, sensei?" Sakura asked, after a few moments of silence.

"The protections are completely gone," he said shortly, straightening. "Sakura, go tell the Hokage what I just told you. Run." She blinked in shock, then took off. "Naruto—"

"I'm coming with you," Naruto said stubbornly. "Sasuke might be a stuck up bastard, but if he's in trouble I won't leave."

"Naruto, this is not the time—"

He cut off abruptly when, as Naruto crossed the threshold into the compound, a series of explosions went off.

"…trapped," Kakashi muttered. "No choice now; if Sasuke is here, we have to find him before he burns to death. Stay close behind me and keep your eyes open. And try not to trip over anymore traps."

Naruto scowled but, with flames rapidly spreading throughout the compound he couldn't really argue.

Kakashi pulled out two scrolls and summoned his pack of nin dogs, sending them out to join the search. No one would bother destroying the compound after all these years unless they were trying to kill Sasuke or disguise his kidnapping, so time was of the essence.

Even without the fire, the interior was…awful. It was utterly silent. No people, obviously, but there wasn't a single bird or animal to be seen, anywhere. It was a ghost town.

Kakashi and Naruto had only passed two houses when they heard a demanding bark.

The clan head's residence. Of course. In a burst of ninja speed, Kakashi was through the front door.

"It's so clean," Naruto commented, panting as he caught up.

"What?" Kakashi asked, distracted. Nothing in the kitchen or living room.

"There's no dust or anything. How long did you say this place has been abandoned?"

"About four years. Try to focus on finding your teammate, not the décor."

"But—"

Whatever Naruto meant to say was cut off when they finally located their quarry. He was lying on a futon in one of the bedrooms, which was completely bare except for an Uchiha crest that covered one entire wall and a shelf that was neatly lined with scrolls and weapons. Kakashi leaned down to check Sasuke's breathing. Fortunately, no fire or smoke had reached this far yet.

"Hey, what's that?"

"Naruto, unless the house is on fire or we are under attack, it will have to wait."

Sasuke was still breathing, but shallowly, and he didn't stir as Kakashi checked him over for injuries. There were none. He bent down to smell his breath. Some kind of drug?

"Uh, sensei?"

"What is it now, Naruto?"

"The house is on fire."

"…why didn't you mention this before!"

Kakashi ignored whatever inadequate answer Naruto was babbling and lifted Sasuke into his arms. "Come on, we're getting out of here."

He ran as fast as he thought a genin could keep up with, barreling out of the compound and almost running over the Hokage and an ANBU squad.

"Sasuke-kun," Sakura wailed, seeing his burden.

The Hokage took in the situation in a glance. "Report."

"He's alive, but unresponsive. Cause unknown. The entrance was trapped and the compound is now on fire. Neither I nor my hounds saw anyone else there."

With a nod, the Hokage sent the ANBU to handle the fire and the investigation. "Take him to the hospital."

"Yes, Hokage-sama." The Jounin's form blurred as he took off.

"And where do you think you're going?" the Hokage asked.

Sakura and Naruto froze mid-step.

"What kind of question is that!" Naruto shouted. "You going senile, old man?"

"That's our teammate!" Sakura cried at the same time. "He's hurt; we have to help!"

"Yeah!"

The Hokage raised an eyebrow. "Very well, carry on."

They didn't need to be told twice, and were out of sight almost as swiftly as their sensei.

"Well, it seems Kakashi will have a team this year after all."


	2. New Challenges

_New Challenges_

Sasuke's eyes opened slowly. His limbs were heavy and his head felt fuzzy. Where was he?

"Ah, I see you're finally awake."

A face moved into his line of vision. Who was this guy? Oh, wait… "Sensei?"

"Yes. Do you remember what happened?"

"…was I late to the survival test?"

"A bit. Where did you go after our introductions?"

Sasuke blinked. "I…I went home."

"And then?"

"…I don't remember."

"Nothing at all?"

"I—I was walking through the compound, thinking about my clan, and then I was here. What happened?"

"You didn't see anyone? Feel anything strange?"

"No. Why, did something happen to me?"

"You've been unconscious for three days."

"What!?"

"Shh! You'll wake them."

"…them?" Sasuke struggled to sit up, growling when Kakashi moved as if to help. He eventually managed to prop himself up against his pillow, and he saw Sakura with her head resting on her folded arms and Naruto sprawled out every which way, both sound asleep in remarkably uncomfortable looking hospital chairs. "…why are they here?"

"They were worried about you. It's what teammates do."

"Foolish."

"What makes you say that?"

"Friends, family, teammates—they're weaknesses. When you have people who are close to you…it means that someone can take them away."

"I see."

Kakashi watched as Sasuke's eyes drifted closed and he slumped, unconscious again. He was clearly still groggy from whatever ordeal he'd been through—he would no doubt be mortified by that very personal revelation he'd just made when he woke up properly.

But as interesting as it was, the more pressing matter was the missing time. There were no traces of any foreign chakra in or around the Uchiha compound, and the best theory they had was that Sasuke had destroyed the compound himself for some obscure reason and coincidentally fallen unconscious immediately afterward.

Needless to say, the Hokage wasn't too pleased with the investigative efforts of his ninja.

After three straight days of nothing and a blistering lecture from the Hokage, one frustrated operative had made an extremely ill-timed comment about how this would have been a lot easier if they still had a police force, and everyone was sent home for a nap.

And now Sasuke himself had nothing to add. Perhaps he really had set the place on fire. It was obvious the kid was actually living there, and that kind of dedication to the past was definitely a sign of an unbalanced mind.

Kakashi was in a position to know.

* * *

The next time Sasuke woke up, the rest of his team was playing cards.

"No, Naruto, you only pick _one_ card!"

"But I want to have the most!"

"No, idiot, you win when you have the _least_!"

"That's stupid!"

"That's the rules!"

"Then the rules are stupid!"

"Well…you're stupid!"

Pow!

"Oww…"

"Kakashi-sensei, aren't you going to take a card?"

"…I'm already out."

"What!? Why didn't you say something?"

Well, after a fashion.

They gratefully abandoned their card game when Sasuke pulled himself up to a sitting position, gathering around his bed.

"You're awake!"

"'bout time, lazy bastard."

"When can I leave?" Sasuke demanded, ignoring his not-quite teammates.

Kakashi was unmoved by his tone. "When the doctors say you can."

"…will you get a doctor?"

"No."

"Hnn." Sasuke struggled with his blanket, his limbs feeling like overcooked noodles. But he wasn't staying in this hospital one minute longer, and he silently dared Kakashi to try and stop him.

"I wouldn't recommend getting up just yet."

"I'm fine."

"Assuming I believed that, it still wouldn't be a good idea to get up yet. I think you'll find that your clothes are missing."

Sasuke froze, cringing slightly under the weight of Sakura's sudden, intense gaze.

Naruto made a face. "Yeah, do us all a favor and wait for the damn doctor."

"Shut up, Naruto!" Sasuke hissed, flushing and cowering a bit under the blanket.

Naruto started snickering so hard he fell off his chair.

"Can we maybe talk about what happened?" Sasuke grumbled, desperate to change the subject.

Kakashi managed to give the impression of fidgeting without actually moving. "Maybe I will get a doctor…"

Sasuke fixed a suspicious glare on his sensei. "What. Happened."

"You never showed up for the test!" Naruto supplied cheerfully. "So we all went to fetch you, except there were a bunch of traps and shit and we really did have to rescue you before you burned up or something. So you'd better be grateful!"

"Traps? 'Burned up or something?'" Sasuke narrowed his eyes at Kakashi. "You didn't mention any of this."

"Didn't I? Must have slipped my mind…"

"There had better not be any damage!"

There was a long, awkward silence. Sakura glanced at Naruto who squirmed in his seat and stared fixedly out the window. Kakashi was like a statute—unmoved and unmoving, and just as useful.

"Well…" Sakura began finally, "they managed to put out the fire before it destroyed _all_ the buildings…"

Sasuke didn't say a word, just sat and fumed, saturating the air with killing intent. His three visitors edged away from the bed. "I'm blaming you for this Naruto," Sasuke said finally.

"What? Why? I had no idea that trap was there!"

"Wait, it actually was your fault, moron?"

"No, that's what I just said you bastard!"

The killing intent focused sharply and abruptly on the blond. His teammate and sensei scooted their chairs back, heartlessly abandoned him to his fate.

Into that atmosphere walked the doctor. "Er…is this a bad time?"

Obviously he was a civilian. The ninja ignored him.

Sasuke's glare had almost a physical weight. "You destroyed my home."

"I wasn't the one who set those traps! It was an accident!" Naruto protested, arms waving wildly.

"Idiot! Now I have nothing!"

"…I'm sorry. It still wasn't my fault, but it sucks that your house burned down," Naruto muttered sullenly.

Sasuke did not look inclined to be generous, so Kakashi discreetly kicked him.

Sasuke merely redirected a portion of his glare at his sensei. Kakashi was privately impressed at how he managed to glare at two people simultaneously who weren't even sitting that close to each other. These were the things he missed out on having only one eye for most of the time.

"Um…hello?" the doctor interjected tentatively.

"Don't worry, Sasuke, we'll help you find somewhere else to live," Sakura assured him earnestly. "My parents have a guest room, and I'd be _more_ than happy to take care of you for as long as you need…"

"Or I could stay here while the dobe rebuilds the compound by hand," Sasuke said flatly, looking horrified.

"Like hell I will! And anyway, you didn't lose _everything_," Naruto proclaimed.

Even Kakashi looked confused by this assertion. "Umm…Naruto, even though technically the whole compound belongs to Sasuke, his personal things were in one of the houses that burned down."

"Isn't anyone listening to me?" the doctor demanded, finally starting to get annoyed.

"Your place was like a library, all scrolls and weapons and school stuff—don't you have any kind of life at all?—so when I saw this I grabbed it on our way out. Seriously, even I have more personal shit than this. And it's not like I was doing anything but following Kakashi-sensei around anyway."

Naruto reached into his jumpsuit and pulled out a framed picture. The glass was cracked, but the picture itself was undamaged. Little Sasuke smiled up at his slightly older companion, who was smirking and poking his forehead.

Sasuke stared at it.

Kakashi leaned forward to look, then hastily stood up. "Naruto, why don't you just leave that. Come along children, lots of important medical work to be done here." He all but shoved them out the door.

"Finally!" the doctor said brightly, reaching into his bag. "Now, if you'll just—"

He looked up and blinked. The bed was completely empty and a breeze from the recently-opened window stirred the curtains. "I hate ninja!"

As soon as they hit the corridor, Kakashi sent Naruto and Sakura on a mission to find a get-well gift for Sasuke.

"Why should I?"

"Ooh, what does he like? Do you think he wants a stuffed bear?"

"How should I know? But the Hokage wanted to keep his condition a secret so he didn't get any gifts while he was in the hospital," Kakashi lied shamelessly. "We don't want him to feel unappreciated, now do we?"

"But sensei," Naruto said slowly, scrunching his face up in thought, "everyone knows what happened. It was a huge fire. Half the village was there helping to put it out."

"Well, it's still a secret, even if everyone knows. If you really want to be Hokage someday Naruto, you'll have to learn about these things. Now get lost, both of you. Think of it as a mission. A team-building exercise, as it were."

Sakura grabbed Naruto's arm and forcibly dragged him off, her eyes gleaming. "Come on!"

"Ow, Sakura…"

Kakashi shunshunined off for a quick errand, confident that those two would be occupied for the rest of the afternoon and Sasuke wouldn't get far. Sure enough, errand complete and bribes in hand, it didn't take long to find Sasuke lurking in an alley behind the hospital, wearing a bedsheet and a pout.

"I don't want to talk about it!" Sasuke protested hotly upon seeing him.

"I wanted to talk about your living situation," Kakashi said mildly. "But we can talk about why you're out here like this if you prefer. Not-so-closeted streaker?"

Sasuke glared.

"I come bearing gifts," Kakashi added placatingly, holding up the shirt and shorts he'd picked up. He'd had to guess at sizes, but it had to be better than the bedsheet.

Sasuke snatched up the clothes and hastily pulled them on. "I can live wherever I want," he said grudgingly. "I'm a genin now and legal responsible for myself. Besides, it's my compound."

"Even if I agreed that—which I don't, by the way—you'll still need somewhere to stay in the short term until we can address the…structural integrity issues at the compound."

"Well I do have an apartment," Sasuke pointed out.

"I'm surprised you remember, given that you clearly don't actually live in it."

"Well, I eat lunch there sometimes on school days."

"…you keep an apartment just so you can have a little privacy while you eat? That seems a little excessive?" Although Kakashi himself preferred to eat in private, to avoid having to keep people from seeing his face—but Sasuke didn't know that yet.

"Yes, well…fangirls."

Kakashi winced in sympathy. "Point."

"And I pay my own rent," Sasuke added defensively. "So I don't see what the problem is."

Kakashi held up his hands. "Whoa, whoa. I come in peace. I don't actually care about rehashing your previous living situation, just your current one."

"…I just said that I have an apartment already."

"The council had a meeting and decided—not entirely unjustifiably—that if you could be attacked even while under the considerable protections of your clan's stronghold, you shouldn't be alone in an apartment in a mostly civilian sector."

"…that's stupid. It's none of the council's business, anyway."

"You know perfectly well that the council can't help but interfere in private clan business. Otherwise they'd have nothing to do all day."

Sasuke crossed his arms and scowled.

"Well, you really don't have much of a choice," Kakashi said frankly. "Just try it for a few weeks."

"Wait, try what?"

"Now, while I do sympathize with your desire to be out of the hospital as soon as possible, I highly recommend staying there for as long as they'll let you. You might actually prefer it."

"Try what!?"

Kakashi's lone visible eye crinkled in his version of a smile as he offered a two-fingered wave. "Later!"

"Get back here!" Sasuke yelled at the swirl of leaves.

* * *

While the rookies and their various sensei were celebrating (or mourning) making genin for real or sulkily heading back to the Academy in preparation for trying next year and Team Seven was…not, Team Gai was on a mission.

"Behold, my completely brilliant new training idea!"

"I cannot wait, Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

Tenten and Neji dawdled as far back as they dared. They were both painfully familiar with some of Gai-sensei's previous training ideas, and had no desire to hurry and see what was in store for them.

"We cannot escape destiny," Neji muttered.

She punched him half-heartedly in the shoulder.

"Where is your youthful vigor!?" Gai bellowed, directly in their ears.

Both genin jumped like scalded cats.

"Let's go!" Gai raced off to join Lee at their mystery destination.

"How did someone that loud get so sneaky?" Tenten wondered.

"Come on—if he has to remind us to hurry up again he'll probably try and carry us. You remember last time."

She shuddered. "Yeah, let's go."

They broke into a run, and soon emerged in a clearing full of junk.

"What is all this?" Neji asked.

"We're going camping?" Tenten asked, obviously seeing something in the junk that he did not. "But why do we need to practice that? Everyone's been camping."

Neji, who had never been camping except of the crashing-with-a-blanket-for-two-hours-between-mission-destinations variety, decided not to correct her.

"Ah, but today we are going to learn about building camps for groups of shinobi! You are only genin now, but as chuunin you will have a squad of your very own! And if you do not feed them and find them a dry place to sleep, they will get sick! Also angry…"

He zoned out in that way that meant there was definitely a story there and it was definitely one they didn't want to hear but he was still going to wax lyrical on the subject.

Neji and Tenten jumped into action, Neji clapping a hand over Lee's mouth before he could say more than "Gai-sen—" and Tenten moving to distract.

"Uh, Gai-sensei…is that why we have so much extra equipment? I mean, there must be five or six tents here, and there's only four of us."

"Why, yes, Tenten! How observant of you! Never underestimate the importance of careful observation of your environment, my most youthful students!"

Neji released Lee. Crisis averted.

"But still…your point is an excellent one!"

Or not.

"It was?" she asked warily.

"Anyone can camp—why, sometimes the Academy students have overnight trips! No, we must find a way to turn this into an excellent training exercise!"

"Indeed, Gai-sensei! That is so wise!"

Tenten cringed under the weight of Neji's glare. She wasn't facing him, but she knew what it felt like.

Gai-sensei's face contorted in thought. They waited. Waited. "I have it! We will set up a camp for two squads of eight…without using our hands!"

"Brilliant!" Lee cried.

Tenten felt like crying. "What!?"

"Hnn."

Insanity is repeatedly trying the same thing and expecting a different result, but Tenten nonetheless tried to inject some logic into the conversation before it got even more out of hand. "Gai-sensei, when would we ever face those circumstances in real life?"

"Tenten, I'm disappointed in you. Training isn't about what you'll face in real life. It's preparing you for _more_ than real life!"

Lee whipped out his notebook to record this gem and Tenten held her wrists out in resignation. Because Gai-sensei never did things halfway, he expertly bound her arms behind her back at the wrist and elbows, rendering her arms completely useless. She was surprised when Neji meekly submitted to the same treatment—he was never meek, and hated being defenseless—but when she saw Gai and Lee trying to figure out how to bind each other when, by the nature of the activity, one of them couldn't use their hands, that question was answered. He hated looking undignified more than either of those.

She went to join Neji in silently watching the bizarre contortions of their two teammates.

"There is something so unnatural about them," she commented.

He didn't answer, apparently still in a snit for her starting this disaster.

"This isn't my fault," she told him, knowingly full well that he would start talking to her again when he was ready and not a minute before. "They can't be contained."

It was anyone's guess how, but the two actually managed to tie each other up and now all four of them were awkwardly stumbling around without their arms for balance. Well, that's why the genin were stumbling. Gai-sensei probably considered it a part of the training exercise.

"How exactly are we supposed to pitch these tents?" Tenten griped. "With our teeth?"

"If that's what it takes!" Lee exclaimed, awkwardly maneuvering a stake into the ground using just his teeth, then enthusiastically jumping on it to bury it in the ground. "You see?"

"That's great, Lee…except you haven't taken the tent out yet," Tenten scolded, wincing.

"Oh my gosh! I forgot!" He dropped to the ground and attempted to dig out the completely buried stake, taking mouthfuls of dirt and spitting them out.

Neji and Tenten stared.

Gai, meanwhile, had unpacked a tent and stretched it out on the ground by methods unknown to man. Neji suspected one of his turtle summons was helping him somehow.

Lee began sobbing dramatically, smearing the dirt across his face as he sobbed and coughed up grass.

"What is it now, Lee?" Tenten asked, sure she didn't want to know.

"I have ruined it!" Lee cried, pointing at the stake with his foot. It was bent almost in half from where he'd forced it into a rock. "I will do five hundred laps around camp on my hands as punishment!"

"Um, Lee…you can't do laps on your hands, they're tied behind your back," Tenten pointed out.

"Ahh! Then I will do them on my head!"

"You'll what!?"

Lee dropped to the ground and began flopping wildly, apparently attempting to get enough momentum to stand on his head.

"Even if you succeed in standing on your head, how are you planning to move? Hopping? You'll break your neck!"

"With the power…of my youth…I can overcome all obstacles!" Lee flopped some more. "I will…stand on my head…without the aid of my hands!"

"Perhaps you should try a standing back flip, then stop halfway through," Neji suggested.

"I did not think of that!" Lee enthused, rolling over and getting to his feet. "Thank you, my teammate! They do not call you a genius for nothing!"

"Neji! I can't believe you said that! Lee! Don't you dare! You really will break your neck! Gai-sensei!"

Fortunately, a group of bandits decided that was an appropriate time to attack their camp.

"We are under attack!" Gai shouted, loud enough to alert the entirety of Fire Country. Totally unhampered by the ropes, he delivered his signature Dynamic Entry to the poor bandit leader, who flew across the entire clearing only to come up short against a tree trunk. He slid down bonelessly and didn't move.

Neji's hands began to glow, much to Tenten's irritation. He'd better cut her bonds, too, or he was going to pay. She made a mental note to strap a knife to her sandal once they got back to the village. A girl could never have too many weapons, and no amount of flexibility could bring her hands, bound in this manner, in contact with the blades secured in her hair.

"None of that!" Gai shouted, kicking Neji (somewhat more gently) and distracting him from calling his chakra. Neji crashed into a pile of tents. "We are still training! No hands!"

"But what am I supposed to do?" Tenten wailed. "I'm a weapons specialist!"

One of the bandits tried to sneak up behind her, and she threw her head back, embedding one of the senbon concealed in her hair in his skull. He collapsed, twitching weakly.

"I want my weapons!" she whined.

Two more came at her, and she attempted a roundhouse kick, swearing when she overbalanced and crashed to the ground. Stupid Gai-sensei and his stupid training ideas. She rolled quickly out of the way of a descending sword, then arched her back to avoid a kick.

Just as she was starting to get concerned that no one had noticed her predicament, Neji appeared on the scene, leaping up and delivering a scissor kick to the back of both of their heads. His feet glowed blue with chakra, and they didn't move from where they fell.

She blinked. Sometimes he was just so cool!

He nudged her with his foot. "What are you lying around for?"

And, sometimes he was just annoying. "Did I know you could emit chakra from your hands as well as your feet?" She glanced at his sullen expression. "Did _you_ know you could do that? Haha, wait until I tell Gai-sensei that you benefited from one of his crazy ideas."

"Don't you _dare_," he hissed.

Lee sent the last bandit flying into a tree, and since the tents had all been mysteriously destroyed in the attack, Gai set his students to figuring out how to tie up their attackers—well, the ones who were still alive, anyway—using just their feet.

So, pretty much business as usual, then for Team Gai.


	3. Bell Test

A/N: Thank you all so much for your favorites, follows and reviews. It really makes my day! For anyone who's interested, I'm going to try and impose a Monday/Thursday update schedule. Finals are coming up so I can't make any promises, but I'll do my best.

* * *

The ANBU Cat sprawled across a tree branch—much like his namesake— and pretended to read a book while he snickered behind his mask at his companion.

"We've been here for hours! How are you not bored?" Bear ranted.

Cat flipped a page in his book. Rookies, what can you do?

"Did your mission orders say something mine didn't? 'Escort the Uchiha from the hospital to his lesson'—how could that possibly take five hours!? I was supposed to leave for a mission twenty minutes ago!"

Cat put down his book. Not showing up for missions was actually a problem. "Was it an ANBU mission or a regular mission?"

"Why does that matter?"

"Answer the question."

"…ANBU, why?"

Cat relaxed and returned to his reading. "Don't worry about it, then. They were just messing with you. Someone else has already been assigned that mission."

"What!?"

"Look, obviously you've never worked with Kakashi-senpai before. Next time, bring something to do."

"The Copy Ninja? What does that have to do with anything?"

Cat gave him an arch look over the top of his book—though clearly the kid was too green to read it through the concealing mask. "Stop talking before you look like even more of an idiot."

Bear sat and fumed. Then… "Wait…do you sense that?"

Cat cast his senses out through the forest for anything new, but the only chakra signatures in the area were ones he'd already noted and dismissed as non-threats. But he thought he knew what Bear was referring to. "Oh, he's been there the whole time."

Bear shuffled his feet, easily conveying his embarrassment.

"Don't feel too bad, he's ex-ANBU. I'm actually surprised you sensed him at all. Ah, he's decided to join the party."

"What are you—wait, that's Hatake Kakashi! He's been here the whole time!?"

"It _is_ unusual. I think he might actually pass this group, if he's already being such a mother hen."

Bear sputtered. "But—I—I thought _we_ were supposed to be guarding them. That's why we're here!"

"It's cute that you think there's anything we could do that he couldn't do faster, better and with way more style. Since you don't have a mission anymore, why don't you head back to HQ and drop Kakashi-senpai's name a few times, see what you come up with. Now, if you'll excuse me, _my_ next mission starts in a few minutes."

"But—"

* * *

"Good morning, minions!"

"Sensei, you're late!" Naruto and Sakura shouted, looking hungry, tired and pissed off.

Ah, now there was the aggravation that had been missing last time. "Well, I see that everyone managed to find the meeting place today."

Sasuke's eye twitched.

"Let's keep this simple, shall we? This is a survival test." He reached into his kunai holster, extremely amused when the little pests jumped behind trees like they expected him to start randomly pelting them with projectile weapons. He needed to save something for the actual training, after all.

"I have in my hand here two bells." He jingled them once, to draw their attention, then continuously for almost a minute just to watch them twitch. "Right, bells. You have to take them from me. Whoever doesn't have a bell at the end of our little game goes straight back to the Academy."

"What!?" Sakura squawked.

"Then what was that exam for anyway?" Naruto demanded, pointing at his hitai-ate in case there was any confusion over what exam he was referring to.

"That's just to see if you _could_ be genin. Today we'll find out if you _will_ be genin. And hey, if you wash out, you can always try again next year!"

They were supremely unimpressed by his alternative solution.

"But—but there's only two bells! So one of us will definitely be going back to the Academy!" Sakura protested.

"Hmm…I can see why you're the smart one," Kakashi remarked, making her blush.

"Does this mean if we get both bells _you _have to go back to the Academy?" Sasuke wanted to know.

"Er, no. I'm no longer allowed on Academy grounds. Iruka-sensei followed me the entire time I went to pick you three up, cracking his knuckles. You really didn't notice that?"

"Uh, why?" Naruto asked.

"Well, you might not be aware of this yet, but all jounin are required to serve time in the mission room and the Academy for a few hours every month. Rank isn't all privileges, you know."

"…so, shouldn't you go to the Academy, like, all the time?"

"Well, I was called up for Academy duty, and presented myself bright and early, ready to work—"

"I already don't believe this story," Sasuke muttered, still not one hundred percent convinced that this idiot was actually an elite ninja.

"—and decided we should have a lesson in something practical instead of whatever historical crap was in the lesson plans. And, well…to make a long story short, I was able to put out the fire, and they did eventually find that short kid, and it's not like anyone really needs eyebrows anyway, so really Iruka-sensei was entirely unreasonable about the whole thing."

Total. Silence.

"I should mention that you only have until noon to get the bells."

"What!? But that's in twenty minutes!"

"Well, I suggest you stop wasting time. We've been here for almost fifteen minutes now!"

Twitch. Twitch.

"Oh, and make sure you come at me with killing intent, or you'll definitely have your faces ground into the dirt in humiliating ways."

"Not a problem, sensei," Sakura said through gritted teeth.

Predictably, the three children threw themselves at him in a fit of uncoordinated rage. Ah, rookies.

Kakashi casually blocked a wild punch from Naruto and took a step back, letting Sakura trip Sasuke, then smacked Naruto's head firmly and sent him to join the other two in a sprawling heap.

"Well at this rate all three of you will be reliving your schooldays," Kakashi mocked, 'accidentally' stepping on Naruto's hand and pulling out his favorite book. He leaned casually against a tree.

Naruto leapt up immediately, spitting and cursing and attempting to set Kakashi on fire with his eyes. Surprisingly, Sakura wasn't far behind, and in almost the same state. Sasuke pulled himself to his feet more slowly, his expression one of cold menace, but as soon as he made it upright he swayed alarmingly.

"Sasuke!" Sakura cried, catching his arm and attempting to keep his upright. "Are you alright?"

"Always knew that 'number-one rookie' business was all talk," Naruto mocked gleefully. "Taken down in one punch!"

Sakura hissed like a scalded cat, almost dropping Sasuke as she shook her finger right in Naruto's face. "Idiot! He's been in a coma for three days!"

"That was ages ago!"

"It was yesterday, moron!"

"That's what I said! It's been hours, why would it still be affecting him!?" Naruto demanded.

"Idiot!"

"Both of you shut the hell up!" Sasuke yelled. Surprisingly, they did—if for no other reason than to glare at Sasuke.

"I am fine," Sasuke said curtly, pushing away from Sakura and tipping straight into Naruto. They both fell on the ground.

"Let's keep it PG, kids," Kakashi said helpfully.

Naruto resumed his futile fiery glaring, but Sasuke managed a much more productive fiery breath.

Kakashi leapt nimbly out of the way, his pensive expression hidden behind his mask. Mastering that ninjutsu at such a young age? And using it when his chakra stores were still so bizarrely depleted from whatever it was that had happened? This was worth noting.

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura wailed.

"Obviously you're not fine, bastard," Naruto griped, but he was almost gentle as he shoved Sasuke off.

"Shove off. And stop treating me like I might faint at any second."

"Wouldn't be the first time, _princess_."

Sakura hauled both boys up and started dragging them off into the woods—though her grip on Sasuke was more supportive and less bruising than her hold on Naruto. "Somehow I doubt Kakashi-sensei is going to bow to your superior sniping skills and hand over the bells, and I absolutely refuse to go back to the Academy. Ino already passed, and so will I!" she proclaimed, eyes blazing.

Her two teammates wisely decided to postpone their argument.

Left alone, Kakashi raised an eyebrow. Either this was going to be one hell of a team or one hell of a quasi-natural disaster. Or both.

He considered following, but it would be interesting to see if they could cooperate long enough to execute some sort of useful plan. He would have ample opportunity to mess with their tiny little brains in the future and see what interesting colors they could turn. In a rare moment of personal insight, Kakashi wondered if this was anything like how Obito had felt about him.

With a shrug, he stretched out his senses—no nearby chakra signatures but his three students and Tenzou—then settled back with his book.

The three genin sat on the forest floor about a hundred yards away and glared at each other.

"I say we ditch Sasuke," Naruto suggested. "He's all kinds of useless right now."

"Better than being useless all the time," Sasuke shot back.

"Hey!" Sakura protested.

"No one was talking to you," Sasuke informed her, not breaking off his staring contest with Naruto. "Though you didn't really do anything back there either…"

"And what exactly did Naruto do, huh? Maybe he bruised Kakashi-sensei's _hand_ with his _face_!"

"I am not useless! I almost had him! And anyway, it was _Sasuke_ who—"

"You realize you only have ten minutes left to get the bells," a voice said from the trees.

"Gaah!"

"Who's there?"

A masked face peered down at the three kids.

"Oh, hello ANBU-san!" Naruto called, waving cheerily.

Sasuke whacked him on the back of the head. "Try not to look stupider than you already are."

"Oi! I get chased by the ANBU practically every day, I can say hi if I want to!"

Sakura intervened before a fight could break out again, eyeing the elite ninja nervously. She'd never actually spoken to an ANBU before. "D-did you need something?"

"I was just pointing out that while you're sitting here arguing your chances of making genin are slipping away."

"Ah, that's right!" she shrieked, forcing all three males to put their hands over their ears. "We need a plan!"

"But who's going to get the bells?" Naruto whined. "I don't want to go back to the Academy!"

"We'll worry about getting them away from Kakashi-sensei first, then we can decide who gets the bells," Sakura said decisively. "At this rate we'll be spending another year together in the classroom."

They gave a collective shudder.

"Sounds like a good strategy to me," the ANBU said supportively.

Sasuke frowned. "Why are you being so helpful?"

"I have a lot of money riding on this."

Sasuke blinked, but apparently the masked ninja was being sincere. It was a bit hard to tell with the mask and all. "Well in that case, get down here. You can help."

* * *

With three minutes left, Kakashi sensed three chakra signatures converging rapidly on his position. He returned his book to the safety of his pocket—who only knows what this lot might come up with.

He blinked as the three signatures suddenly became dozens. What on earth—?

Twenty Narutos sprang into the clearing, along with ten or so Sasukes and Sakuras. Kage Bunshin no Jutsu? _With_ a henge? Very impressive. He made a note to have Naruto's chakra level tested.

Still, ridiculous chakra levels aside, the mass of clones had truly pathetic taijutsu skills. Kakashi easily dispelled five of them without stirring from his slouch against a tree trunk. The others watched him warily. With a sigh, he tucked his book safely in his belt pouch and took a step back.

He felt the gentle pressure of a tripwire and quickly switched places with a nearby rock, wincing as shuriken ricocheted off the unfortunate rock. He abruptly found himself facing Sasuke, who smirked and began attacking.

He was still wobbly and almost completely drained of chakra, but his technique was perfect, and it was clear that he'd be very fast if he were at full strength. As it was, he proved frustratingly creative, and Kakashi found himself having to actually pay attention as the brat somehow used Kakashi's grip on his ankle after a failed roundhouse kick to twist around and make a grab at the bells.

Kakashi unceremoniously dropped him on his head, turning just in time to be buried under a pile of clones. Smirking, he used the kawarimi again, switching with the still groggy Uchiha and quickly disguising himself as the brat.

Whistling a bit, Kakashi sauntered away from the fight, almost walking right into Sakura.

"Sasuke-kun!" she shouted, throwing her arms around his neck.

"Er…" Kakashi managed.

To his great relief, he felt her stealthily reaching for the bells. He had enough fangirls without needing to borrow someone else's. He threw her into the fray behind him, none too gently for giving him a scare like that, then dropped the henge and stepped back into the shadows. He promptly tripped over a tree root and slammed head first into a nearby trunk.

Kakashi frowned at the tree, rubbing his head and feeling pretty much like a complete idiot. He hadn't walked into something by accident since he first started training to be a ninja…so, when he was about two.

"Ha! I've got you now, sensei!"

He blinked, and there was Naruto with a shiner and a bloody nose, launching himself out of the undergrowth with a very loud and un-ninja-like war cry. This was one weird kid…

The clones dispelled abruptly and Sasuke and Sakura, seeing the action, limped over to join the impromptu wrestling match. It was at least five minutes after noon by now, but Kakashi was curious, so he allowed Sasuke to elbow him in the face—he might have deserved that after the bright pink clothes he'd found for him yesterday—and pretended to be too distracted to prevent Naruto from triumphantly snatching up the bells.

"Yeah! Future Hokage, right here!" Naruto crowed, jumping up and dancing around the small clearing.

Kakashi propped himself up on his elbows to watch.

Sasuke swept Naruto's legs out from under him and Sakura punched him in the face. Neither made any moves for the bells; apparently they'd just wanted to shut Naruto up.

Fair enough.

"So…now what?" Naruto asked, dangling the bells in front of his face and going a bit cross-eyed as he regarded them. Sakura and Sasuke exchanged glances, then looked at the bells, then looked back at each other.

Kakashi tensed subtly.

"I guess…I could still learn stuff at the Academy," Naruto said slowly.

"You do suck at pretty much everything," Sasuke contributed.

Naruto scowled. "Shut up, teme! All I meant was, if I'm going to be Hokage, I'll need to know all my ninja, so if I wait another year I can meet a whole bunch of new people! Believe it!"

Sakura sighed. "No, Naruto, you and Sasuke should keep the bells. What did I really do in this fight? I might be the number one student for written work, but I have a lot to learn still about being a ninja."

"But Sakura-chan, being on Sasuke's team is your biggest dream!"

"That's true…"

"Here." Naruto handed her a bell, then attempted to hand Sasuke the other one.

"I don't need charity from you," Sasuke hissed. "My ambition, my purpose, is to become the strongest ninja." The twelve-year-old somehow managed to look down his nose at all of them, including Kakashi. "Labels mean nothing to me; they bear little relevance to true strength. I will go back to the Academy; anyone can see that the two of you need more advanced training before you'll ever amount to anything. I can direct my own training until next year." He crossed his arms over his chest and favored them all with a haughty look.

Naruto was slack-jawed. "Sasuke…"

"Well, I'll be damned," Kakashi said finally. "After I saw you sorry lot, I never thought I'd find myself saying this but…you pass!"

Their annoyed expressions at his "sorry lot" comment froze on their faces.

"We…we do?" Sakura stammered. "But…why?"

"As ninja, we are taught to complete our mission at any cost. But listen closely, because this is the most important thing I will ever teach you: while those who abandon their mission are trash, those who abandon their comrades are less than trash. Today—between all that petty bickering, and even if you were a pompous jerk about it, _Sasuke—_you showed me that not only are you willing to put aside your differences and unite against a common enemy, but each one of you was willing to make a sacrifice so your teammates could succeed. _That _is what it means to be a ninja of Konoha."

The three genin blinked, speechless.

"Well, that was your lesson for the year. Report back here tomorrow at, say…eight o'clock and we'll have our first mission! Be sure to eat breakfast tomorrow and pack for anything! You never know what a ninja might be called upon to face!"

He jumped to his feet and pulled the still-slightly-stunned kids up and started herding them towards the village.

As soon as they were out of sight, he focused on a spot due west and about thirty feet up. "Tenzou, you are an ass. I wondered how that root mysteriously appeared where I was sure no root had been before."

A masked ANBU face appeared amidst the foliage, and Kakashi just knew he was smirking, damn him. "Losing your touch, senpai?"

Kakashi cracked his knuckles. "Why don't you come down here and find out?"

Tenzou just laughed and jumped down. "They were just so pathetic, I couldn't help myself."

"Uh huh."

"I had a very important mission!"

"Ah yes. To witness the bell test so no one relies on my word to determine the outcome of the betting."

"Well, after that first year…"

"I won that bet fair and square."

"Senpai, there is nothing 'fair' about personally placing a bet on how you were going to fail your own team. You just picked a ridiculous scenario and forced those poor genin to go through with it."

"I really don't see the problem with that."

"…of course you don't."

"Cheating isn't exactly a disqualifier for ANBU," Kakashi pointed out reasonably. "And speaking of cheating…it appears that I've won some money this year, as well!"

"What are you talking about? You weren't allowed in on this pool."

"Ah, but then you very generously offered to share half of your earnings with me, Tenzou."

"And why, exactly, would I do that?"

"I believe Anko bet that I would pummel all three of them mercilessly and emerge without a scratch, but it seems that I brained myself against a tree after falling victim to a certain wood jutsu..."

"…you're a cruel man, senpai."

* * *

The newly minted Team Seven wandered back into the village, still a bit unsettled by the abrupt ending to their 'survival test.'

"Hey, we should celebrate!" Naruto exclaimed.

The other two blinked at him.

"We're a team now, right? We should, I don't know, get food or something."

"Well…" Sakura said slowly. "I suppose I don't really have anything else I need to do…" She trailed off, looking hopefully at Sasuke.

Sasuke hadn't really been paying attention, so was very disturbed when he looked over and saw Sakura and Naruto giving him identical hopeful looks. "What?"

"Would you like to have lunch together to celebrate making genin?" Sakura asked breathlessly.

"Hn."

"Aw, come on, you uptight bastard. What else are you going to do all day?"

Sasuke came to an abrupt halt. "Dammit! Kakashi-sensei _still_ hasn't told me where I'm supposed to be staying tonight!" He turned as if to head the back the way they'd come.

"But it's lunchtime!" Sakura said quickly. "And Kakashi-sensei's probably hungry, too, so if we, uh, find a place to eat nearby, we're bound to run into him!"

Sasuke eyed her suspiciously.

"I know just the place! I've seen him eat there loads of times!" Naruto contributed.

"…so long as it's not ramen."

Naruto's smile became strained, especially when Sakura kicked his shin. "Oh—well, uh—don't worry, it's not!"

Sasuke still looked skeptical, but trailed along behind the other two when they resumed walking—pointedly staying a few steps back so it wasn't immediately obvious he was with them.

Naruto rolled his eyes and Sakura tried not to hyperventilate.

"Had you ever seen Kakashi-sensei before that day at the Academy?" she whispered to Naruto.

"Nope," he said, grinning shamelessly. "And I suppose I can put up with that stuck up bastard if it means having lunch with you, Sakura-chan!"

Sakura gritted her teeth and glanced behind her to see Sasuke grudgingly following her to lunch. Together. "Eyes on the prize," she muttered under her breath.

* * *

"B-but sensei, why are we celebrating making genin today? I thought…we passed…three days ago?" Hinata asked tentatively.

"Due to unforeseen complications, one of the teams wasn't able to take their test until today. It's important for us to celebrate the success of Konoha's new genin collectively, and not just our own personal triumphs," Kurenai said, surprised that little speech sounded so good considering she'd just made it up.

"Sure, whatever. Since this is a celebration we don't have to pay for own food, right, sensei?"

"Kiba, don't be so rude," Shino scolded.

"Why don't you make me, bug boy?"

They arrived at a barbecue place and immediately claimed an empty table. Since it was lunch time, a lot of the tables were already full. Then they realized that Kurenai was still standing in the entryway, scanning the restaurant.

"Are—are you expecting someone, sensei?"

"Oh…no, Hinata, just looking. If you'll excuse me for a moment, I have to…check my…I think I left my jacket."

Her three students stared after her.

"Uh…was she wearing a jacket?" Kiba asked.

"No," Shino answered.

"Right. Girls." Kiba looked around the small shop. "Hey Hinata!"

"Oh! W-what is it, Kiba-kun?"

"I think we might be expecting some more company, so Shino and me are going to grab some more chairs from the back. Keep an eye on that table, and when they finish, snatch it up. And don't let anyone steal our table! Got it?"

"A-all right," she answered, though her team had already disappeared. She settled onto a seat, trying to simultaneously take up as much and as little space as possible so she could comply with his wishes and still not be noticed.

* * *

"Will you just follow!" Asuma shouted, more than a little exasperated.

"But why, if you won't tell us where we're going?" Ino whined, pausing to check her hair in a nearby window.

"Don't you guys want to celebrate being genin?"

"We've been genin for four days now," Shikamaru said with a yawn, leaning against a wall.

Chouji, who had been lagging behind, suddenly fixed his new sensei with an expression so intense it was a little frightening, even to a seasoned jounin.

"Damn it all," Shikamaru muttered. "So troublesome."

"Does that mean—" Chouji said in an exaggerated whisper "—free food?"

"Uh…sure?"

"YEAH! C'mon, free food! Shika, let's go!"

To Shikamaru's disgust, Chouji didn't wait for his well-reasoned arguments of why he should remain here and possibly take a nap. The other boy simply picked up his friend and sprinted off towards his favorite restaurant.

Ino took off after them, insisting that barbecue wasn't in her diet, leaving their sensei standing in the street, cursing and wishing for a drink.

The trio paused when they found that one of their former classmates was already there.

"Oh, hey Hinata!" Ino said, after the silence between the four genin had stretched to awkward lengths.

"Oh…hi, Ino-san."

"Hey, can we join you?"

"Um…I'm really supposed to be saving these seats…"

"Well, how do you know you're not saving them for us?"

"Well…I guess I don't, but…"

"Great!" Almost the instant Chouji sat down, the chef appeared.

"Ah, if it isn't my favorite customer!"

"You bet! We're having a party, so we're going to be extra hungry!"

"Of course! Shall I start you off with something?"

"Hey, Chouji!"

"What is it, Ino? Ordering food is very important business!"

"Hinata just told you she's saving these seats!"

"O-oh, it's all right…"

"You should be more respectful towards her!"

"R-really, don't worry about it, Ino-san."

"Hey! What's going on out here!" Kiba shouted, jumping into the scene without regard for the chair he was carrying. He narrowly missed hitting Ino in the face.

"Uh oh," Shikamaru muttered, backing away. "This is going to be troublesome."

"What the hell?" Ino yelled, launching herself at Kiba.

Hinata scurried out of the way and claimed a table in the back corner, where a group of civilians wisely decided that they were full and it was time to get home and check the…something. Shino followed impassively after, casually deflecting a tray of food that went flying in his direction after a nearby table fell victim to Kiba's violent assault.

"Be careful with that food!" Chouji shouted.

"Shikamaru, get over here and defend your teammate!" Ino demanded.

Shikamaru yawned, and she gave up attempting to attack Kiba—stupid dog—and started trying to strangle her teammate instead.

"What…did…I…do?" Shikamaru gasped.

"Ugh, how dare you not come and defend my honor!"

Meanwhile, Chouji's appetizer had arrived. He shook his head at his fellow genin, who had no sense of priorities. He dug in.

The chef blinked at the chaos. He was used to serving ninja and the trials that sometimes came with it, but this was a bit much. "Er, excuse me…"

Kiba launched himself at Ino, knocking Shikamaru free.

"Akamaru, get him!"

"Hey, what did I do?" Shikamaru demanded, catching the little dog in his shadow moments before his ankle got bitten. "I was just getting strangled!"

Ino hit Kiba over the head with a tray.

"Ow!" he yelped, grabbing it and tossing it behind him. "You'll pay for that!"

The tray hit a surprised Naruto right between the eyes as he walked in the door. "What the hell?" He saw Kiba clearly still poised from throwing the tray. "Oh, it's on!"

Naruto's running tackle sent both him and Kiba flying into a thankfully empty table, which collapsed under the onslaught.

Ino spotted Sakura and Sasuke and the two girls exchanged fiery glares before simultaneously turning to Sasuke. He, no fool, turned and sprinted away at top speed, deciding to go and look for Kakashi after all. The girls turned on each other, yanking hair and screaming as they fell against another table.

That was the scene Kurenai and Asuma arrived to. _Bar?_ she mouthed.

_Hell, yes_, he mouthed back.

"Hey!" the chef called out as both Jounin heartlessly abandoned him. He eeped and ducked underneath the counter, whimpering, as Chouji's plate went flying into the back wall.

"What have you done!?" the chubby boy howled, throwing himself into the general chaos.

The chef put his head in his hands and cried. Why had he ever turned down that ANBU emergency alert system?


	4. A Deteriorating Living Situation

A/N: Well, that update schedule didn't last for long. Thanks so much for your feedback everyone, I really appreciate it.

* * *

Kakashi called on all of his ANBU training to refrain from busting up laughing when his students arrived the next morning with full packs, looking nervous but ready to face the next challenge.

He was anticipating the looks of dismay on their faces so much he was only forty-five minutes late. He'd also started a betting pool on how long it would take for them to get violent, which he was actually allowed in on.

The ANBU wanted to see what he could come up with.

"Poor little minions," he said mournfully, watching them fight about who-the-hell-cared.

"One almost feels sorry for them," Tenzou said, not even trying to sound sincere.

They exchanged smirks, not at all hindered by their masks.

"Not that I mind, but is there some reason you're stalking me lately?" Kakashi asked.

"Technically, I believe you're the one stalking me. The Hokage put me on Naruto-watch for the week unless he's with you. Just in case whatever-it-was that jumped the Uchiha decides to come after the you-know-what."

"There was someone else with you yesterday."

"Ah, the rookie. He was keeping an eye on the Uchiha. But he has a new guard now."

Both men looked at Sasuke's escort with slight frowns. Sasuke, of course, was completely ignoring the man, though upon closer inspection his left eye was twitching almost continuously.

"You're officially relieved, Tenzou," Kakashi said, giving his companion a friendly punch in the arm that almost sent him flying off the tree branch. "If you must cheat on the bet, make sure it's in my favor."

Tenzou snickered as he disappeared into the trees.

"Well, I'm glad to see everyone here bright and eager to begin their ninja careers!" Kakashi declared, appearing in front of the genin in a swirl of leaves.

Even poor, stupid Naruto regarded him with deep suspicion at this greeting.

Kids these days. So jaded.

The Hyuuga nodded once to Kakashi before turning around and walking away.

"Uh, who was that guy?" Naruto asked.

"And why was he here?" Sakura echoed.

Sasuke went to stand in front of Kakashi, arms crossed, face set in what was _definitely_ not a pout no matter what passing resemblance it might have borne to that expression on someone else's face.

Kakashi's lips twitched, but fortunately no one could see it behind his mask.

"Sensei," Sasuke began, irritation coating his every word. "Everyone in that house is completely insane. There is more lace in my room than I have ever seen in my entire life. Even the walls have lace. And that guy? He follows me everywhere. I had to barricade him in the closet before I could go to the bathroom. And then he slept at the foot of my bed!"

Kakashi winced. "I'm sure Hiashi-sama means well…"

"Perhaps you've never actually _met_ the man…"

"Be that as it may," Kakashi said loudly, mostly because he completely agreed with Sasuke but couldn't admit it, "it was very generous of him to take you into his home and assign you a…bodyguard."

Sasuke twitched.

Naruto smirked. "A bodyguard? Ooh, I had no idea we were in the presence of royalty! Hey, aren't bodyguards for civilians who couldn't tell a kunai from a noodle if you shoved it up their—"

"Shut up!" Sasuke hissed, punching Naruto.

The two immediately started scuffling, slightly hampered by their heavy packs.

"Well, at least he managed to take him shopping," Kakashi muttered. He knew the council was stupid, but this was ridiculous even for them. Who would ever think it was a good idea to appoint _Hyuuga Hiashi_ as Sasuke's guardian? Quite aside from the decades-long rivalry between the two clans, Hiashi had raised two daughters and a nephew who were either terrified of him, loathed him and everything he stood for, and…actually, he didn't know anything about the younger daughter. But statistically, she was bound to be screwed up as well. The council must have arm wrestled for the honor or something; after all, only an idiot would voluntarily let an irritated Hyuuga touch them open-palmed.

Sakura's eyes narrowed. She and Kakashi watched the fight for a few minutes. "Uh, sensei?"

"You really don't need to raise your hand, Sakura. This isn't a classroom."

"…right. Um…shouldn't we be going on a mission?"

Kakashi clapped his hands, startling the two combatants into stillness. "That's right! You'll have to continue this somewhere more private, gentlemen, we have a mission from the Hokage!" He brandished the scroll dramatically, ignoring the killing intent from the two boys and fun-ruining reflections on the inner workings of the Hyuuga clan.

He amused himself making them march at different speeds and in different formations across the entire village, inventing elaborate explanations for the martial applications of running backwards with your hands on your head and your eyes closed.

If they were stupid enough to do it, they deserved the bruises.

Eventually they arrived at their destination, a small house on the very outskirts of town.

Sasuke, very annoyed and with mud in his hair from falling in a puddle, eyed Kakashi suspiciously. "Did you know this was where our mission would begin last night?"

"Yep!"

"…so why did we meet clear on the other side of the village?"

"Well, you see… "

They leaned forward.

"…no reason!"

They twitched.

He started whistling, then went up to the front door and knocked.

It was fun watching them try to school their enraged expressions into something client-safe. And people claimed he never taught useful skills.

"Ah, Hakaru-san," he said, after a woman answered the door. "We're here to offer our aid."

"Thank you, shinobi-san. The materials are out back."

Kakashi led his silent team behind the house to find the—

"Paint?" Sakura asked uncertainly.

"Well-spotted, Sakura! Your mission for today is to repaint that fence." He pointed.

"But…why did you say we should bring all our stuff?" Naruto asked.

"I believe I said that you can never be sure what your mission will be. I certainly didn't say anything about needing to pack certain items. And besides, we're on the edge of the village. You never know what we might encounter. Perhaps even…wild animals!" He threw out his arm dramatically.

The three genin looked where he was pointing and spotted a small rabbit.

Upon closer inspection it appeared to be made of stone.

They looked at the paint. Then at Kakashi. Then at the paint.

He edged away. "I'll be on the roof, supervising. Hop to it!"

* * *

Sadly, that was by far their best mission.

"Today we'll be clearing trash out of the lake!"

"We're cleaning statues! Watch out for the birds' nests!"

And let's not forget:

"Now I should warn you about this cat; apparently it's been through some recent trauma—something about a tiger, I didn't ask—so approach with caution."

Within a week, Team Seven was bruised, scratched, filthy and homicidal.

Kakashi and Tenzou congratulated themselves, collected their winnings, and double-checked the traps around Kakashi's apartment. They _should_ be genin-proof…

* * *

One week became two, and Sasuke honestly couldn't decide which he hated more: Kakashi's little eye smile that meant hours of humiliation or filth (or both), or coming "home" at the end of the day.

"Good evening, Uchiha-san."

"Good evening, Hyuuga-san."

Yeah, it was petty, but technically Sasuke held the same rank as Hiashi, and the way his right eye twitched minutely at the casual address was amusing every single time.

"Your guard will be here shortly."

"Thank you, Hyuuga-san."

Twitch.

Sasuke stared out the window, bored, while he waited for his escort. The first week he did everything he could think of to escape his babysitter, which was ridiculously difficult because the man could see out of the back of his freaking head, but finally managed it on day five.

When he came back after a blissful two hours of private training, the first time he'd been alone since he left the hospital, the Hyuuga clan head hauled him into his office. Not to scold him; to apologize. He did scold the guard—at great length—and then did _something_ that had the guy writhing in pain and screaming himself hoarse.

Then that _psycho_ turned quite calmly to Sasuke and asked if he felt the transgression sufficiently punished. The transgression, of course, being his failure to keep track of Sasuke.

Sasuke was still kicking himself that he'd been unable to form words to respond, and the guy had to endure another round of it.

Needless to say, he tolerated the guard after that. Though he still wasn't happy about it.

It would have been slightly less frustrating—once they'd sorted out the bathrooms-are-private situation—if the guy _ever_ talked. Sasuke didn't even know his name.

For a while he was convinced that the guy didn't have a tongue, but after a possibly-slightly-creepy spying campaign while they ate dinner he determined that he did in fact have a tongue, but just refused to use it for talking for whatever reason.

He caught himself tapping his foot impatiently and forcibly stopped. The guy had a life—presumably—hopefully—outside of following Sasuke around, and Sasuke could stand to wait a few extra minutes before retiring to that lace-vomit hellhole to eat and study and attempt to train without getting tangled up in the damn lace.

Hiashi wandered back into the room from wherever he'd disappeared to, and Sasuke tensed at the expression on his face. "It appears that Ichiko is on a mission outside the village that unexpectedly ran late."

This was the best day ever.

"Oh, don't concern yourself, Hyuuga-sama," Sasuke said quickly, feeling generous with his good fortune. Maybe he was learning something here after all. "I'll go straight to my room and study, no need to worry about me. I'm sure I'll be perfectly safe with all these people around."

Hiashi regarded him coolly. "I will send a replacement shortly. But there is no need for you to remain in my study while one is found. I will send them to your room."

Sasuke wilted. This day sucked.

He shuffled to his room, indulging in a good sulk as he slouched moodily in one of his chairs. At least it wasn't lace, though it was carved so elaborately it was like the wooden equivalent.

"Uchiha-sama."

Sasuke almost fell out of his chair at the unexpected address. He whipped around and, sure enough, there was a new guy kneeling in his doorway with a plate of food. Just wonderful.

"Uh, come in," Sasuke said reluctantly, trying not to look as annoyed as he felt at being snuck up on.

The guy—if this was going to be a regular occurrence, maybe he should just invent names, so as not to get confused—crawled into the room, slid the traditional shoji screen door closed, then shuffled forward on his knees with practiced ease. Sasuke was appalled that he was starting to get used to this kind of behavior, which he'd never seen before coming to this godforsaken place. His clan was—had been—traditional, but not quite _this_ traditional.

"Er, thanks," Sasuke said, taking the tray. He awkwardly toyed with his chopsticks. Guy One usually ate with him. Having Guy Two sit on the floor and watch him eat would reach a previously unimagined level of awkwardness. Funny how that bar seemed to get higher and higher every day he was here. "Uh… aren't you hungry?"

"It does not please Hyuuga-sama that this one eat at this time," Guy Two said, sounding, well, extremely pissed. Not that it was undeserved, in Sasuke's opinion, but given that his previous guard communicated entirely in nods, this was an unexpected development.

"All right, then."

Sasuke ate, sure he could feel someone glaring at him even though Guy Two was still bowing respectfully. But this at least was behavior he could recognize, if not understand. Sasuke thought he might know the top of Guy One's head better than his own.

As if sensing his mood, a piece of lace previously draped along the ceiling detached and drifted into his rice.

"Seriously, what the hell is with all this lace," Sasuke muttered, somehow getting it tangled around his chopsticks. He hated this place.

"Some people have a theory that the complexity of the pattern makes it difficult for even Hyuuga eyes to discern what is happening in a room. It's meant to imply a sense of privacy. Of course, it's mostly symbolic."

Sasuke blinked. A guard who talked, really talked, even if he sounded like he wanted to murder every word. Maybe the day was looking up. "Or maybe there's something Hyuuga-sama isn't telling us."

Guy Two gave a peculiar, full-body shudder, like he really, really wanted to laugh but didn't dare. Desperate to keep the conversation going—and wasn't that a novel position—Sasuke changed tactics. "So what exactly does lace have to do with eyesight?"

"The Hyuuga clan is gifted with three hundred and sixty degree vision, and the ability to see through solid objects."

Sasuke choked on his rice. "See through—goddammit, I knew he was spying on me in the shower! You're not going to do that, are you?"

Guy Two's head snapped up and he scowled. "That's disgusting," he informed him.

Guy Two was young. Like, Sasuke's age young. Sasuke was willing to believe that Guy One just had nothing better to do, given that he was so old and old people never did anything interesting, but this was just ridiculous.

Sasuke closed his eyes, then methodically slammed his head against the table several times. "Okay, that's it. I have completely had it with this whole family. I will sleep in an alley if I have to." He jumped up and began shoving stuff into a bag.

"Uchiha-sama." The words came out so deep it was almost a growl.

Sasuke paused.

"Do you think you could wait so I can at least _pretend_ that your absence is not my fault?"

Sasuke closed his eyes, remembering that horrible day when he'd successfully ditched Guy One. "Yeah, sure." Definitely learning something from this place; that might be the most selfless thing he'd ever done. He sat back down at the table and stared at his unfinished food. "Your family sucks."

"I could not possibly comment."

"Are other people watching us right now? Through the walls?"

"Probably."

"Fantastic."

After a moment, Sasuke pushed his chair back and sat on the floor. He ignored his companion's suspicious look. "I have homework," he said, pulling out a scroll. He'd thought this was over and done with after graduation, but Kakashi's laziness knew no bounds—if they could learn it from a scroll, the man didn't have to teach it himself.

"That answer's wrong," Guy Two said.

Sasuke looked up. He was still kneeling about four feet away. "…you can read backwards through the paper? And what do you mean it's wrong? I'm the top student in my class."

"…like that's worth anything outside the Academy."

Sasuke checked his work, pissed that his answer was, in fact, wrong. "Lucky guess, Guy—uh. Hey, what's your name?"

"…Neji."

* * *

True to his word, Sasuke stuck out the whole night. He did arrive in the Hyuuga lord's office at stupid early o'clock, though, his temporary bodyguard a silent shadow.

"Hyuuga-san."

"Uchiha-san."

Hiashi glared at Neji, who did an admirable impression of not being there.

"I'm afraid that I can no longer impose on your generous hospitality," Sasuke began, trying to sound as pompous and stuck up as he could (which was a lot).

The glare intensified.

"I'm afraid the accommodations were unsuitable."

Hiashi, obviously ready to lay into Neji for whatever he'd done to offend their guest, was thrown off his stride. "What?"

"It's the lace," Sasuke said sagely. "It's turning me gay."

Neji choked.

"And as you know, my clan is depending on me to restore it, and being here is endangering that future. Important clan business, you understand. Thank you for your aid, and I will certainly remember this experience when we meet again."

Sasuke bowed and left.

Later, he denied any knowledge of how that rumor about him and Neji got started.

* * *

A thousand years later (or later that day, depending on one's perspective), Sasuke congratulated himself on keeping the knowledge of his new living situation from his admittedly uninterested sensei. Unfortunately, even though the lame D-rank gave him plenty of time to think, that living situation was still a list of 'nots.'

Not his compound; it was still a wreck. If he died of smoke inhalation, Naruto would never stop making fun of him.

Not the Hyuuga compound. Period.

Not Sakura's house either. Messing with the Hyuuga clan head was one thing; he drew the line at actively pretending to be gay, and that was the only way that situation would be tolerable.

It wasn't raining—much—so he finally set his bag down in an alley with an overhang and wrapped himself in his winter cloak. It was like camping.

Except, of course, not at all.

"Yo, bastard, what the hell you doing sitting on the ground?"

Sasuke closed his eyes. "None of your business, dobe. Get lost."

Naruto, naturally, interpreted that as 'please come in and get all up in my personal space.' "You sleeping here?" he asked suspiciously.

"What's it to you? I didn't like the last place."

To Sasuke's surprise, Naruto's face morphed into something that, on anyone else, might be called a serious expression. "Stop being such a stuck up prick. Just because whatever suite they probably gave you isn't up to your prissy standards doesn't mean you shouldn't appreciate it. Sleeping outside sucks."

Against his better judgment, Sasuke found himself responding to the real emotion in Naruto's voice. "It's not something stupid like that. Those people…they keep slaves. I couldn't stay there."

"What, really?" Ah, now that was more familiar: dense cluelessness.

"No, Naruto, I just decided to start spreading rumors about one of the most important clans in Konoha and sleep in the dirt for no reason."

"Why would you do that?"

Sasuke's eye twitched. Naturally, it started to pour, and Sasuke gritted his teeth as the nearby roof started dripping right onto his head.

"Well…" Naruto said, sounding oddly serious again. "I suppose…I've got a couch."

Sasuke's head snapped up, and he somehow got water up his nose. He sputtered.

Naruto started laughing.

"W—what?"

"C'mon, you won't last five minutes out here," Naruto said, turning and starting down the street.

Sasuke blinked. On the one hand…Naruto. On the other hand…more rain dripped into his face.

It didn't take him long to catch up with Naruto, who seemed totally unconcerned about the rain.

"Thanks," Sasuke muttered at a hopefully inaudible volume.

"You look like a drowned rat," Naruto informed him.

"Shut up!"

They bickered all the way to Naruto's apartment, which looked like it might collapse at any moment. Sasuke raised an eyebrow behind Naruto's back while the other boy wrestled with his keys.

The inside was even worse. Sasuke watched with no small amount of horror as Naruto waded through days-old instant ramen containers—at least there wasn't any leftover food in them—and piles of dirty laundry. He winced as Naruto stepped on a scroll, which made an ominous tearing sound.

"Let me just clear it off a bit," Naruto said over his shoulder, throwing the crap piled on the couch onto the floor. Naruto suddenly yelped, tilting to one side as his foot got tangled in a shirt. He began a bizarre dance, ricocheting off furniture and never quite regaining his footing before face-planting into a pair of dirty underwear.

Sasuke blinked.

Naruto flailed about, cursing.

Sasuke couldn't help himself; he leaned against the wall and started to laugh.

* * *

Sasuke couldn't sleep. He couldn't see the mess, but just knowing it was there set him twitching. He wasn't a neat freak or anything, but he was probably growing mold just by being near that floor. Also, the couch was so old he could feel the outline of each of the springs individually. And that's not even mentioning the snoring.

So all things considered, it was almost a relief when a dark figure slipped silently through the window.

Sasuke palmed a kunai. Now, if the enemy didn't know he was awake yet, he could—

"Oi!"

Sasuke winced.

"You there! What are you doing in my house!?"

Naruto threw himself at the enemy, and clothes and garbage flew everywhere as the two wrestled on the floor. Sasuke couldn't quite see well enough in the dark to want to risk attacking when they were so close together, so he settled for untangling himself from the bedsheet and putting on a shirt. He stood on the couch, kunai at the ready, waiting for an opening.

Probably-Naruto kicked the mystery ninja into the corner, which was apparently booby-trapped. The quality of the cursing clarified that that definitely wasn't Naruto—no one could curse like Naruto.

Sasuke opened his mouth to say something when a section of the floor suddenly shot upward, forming a wall of rock in the middle of the apartment. "Er…"

A pissed-off ninja tackled him off the couch. Sasuke landed hard on the floor, an instant ramen container digging into his kidney. He was so done with this.

"Katon Goukakyuu no Jutsu!" he shouted, lighting up the room and incinerating a fair portion of the crap on the floor. Oh, and forcing the enemy ninja to stop trying to strangle him or risk burning his face off.

What followed was something Sasuke still couldn't quite believe happened. He and Naruto—dead last, pain in the ass that he was—beat the shit out of whoever-it-was. Their teamwork was flawless; when Naruto lost his balance with those crappy stances of his, Sasuke was there to occupy the enemy. When Sasuke couldn't quite keep up with the other ninja's speed, Naruto was there with some random, loud attack that couldn't possibly actually work but _somehow did anyway_. Between the two of them, the ninja couldn't catch a break to form any hand seals, and his taijutsu was apparently kind of nonexistent.

It was getting lighter, and the three combatants could just about see each other now.

Sasuke squinted, trying to make out the symbol on the other ninja's headband. Definitely not a leaf, whatever it was.

He might not be able to make out the symbol, but the ninja's expression was clear as day. He was gawking at Naruto, like he'd seen a ghost or something. "That…that hair…"

Sasuke looked at Naruto's hair. It was the same disheveled mop as always. He rolled his eyes as Naruto tried to look at his hair, too, and almost tipped over backwards.

"You…you remind me of someone…"

"Huh?" Naruto asked intelligently.

That was when Kakashi kicked in the door. "Obviously a five minute alarm-to-arrival time is going to be inadequate," he announced, but his expression was more serious than either of them had seen before.

The enemy did a double-take. "You…" he hissed venomously, expression twisting into something ugly.

Kakashi frowned. "Do I know you?"

The enemy howled and formed a quick series of seals. The ground exploded and Kakashi went flying out into the street. The stranger turned back to the boys. "Now the real question: who to take out first."

"Wait, you're not here for me?" Naruto demanded. "This is my house!"

"I didn't even know you were here," the enemy said dismissively. "Orochimaru-sama sent me to capture the last Uchiha now that he is no longer shielded by that blasted clan compound."

"No wonder you suck," Sasuke said haughtily. "Two weeks isn't enough time to hire a quality assassin; you must have just happened to be nearby."

"Why you little—"

"Hey!" Naruto interrupted. "Does this mean if I die here it would be a _secondhand_ assassination!? Hell no!"

"Well, I wasn't that attached to that creep anyway—the pay was only so-so, and the way he kept going on about how much he wanted you was more than a little unsettling. So!" Decision made, the enemy turned to Naruto. "I will kill you slowly for what you did to my village!"

Naruto blinked, confused. "Uh… I don't even know what village you're from."

"I will glory in your suffering nonetheless! I will bear tales of my glorious revenge to my father!"

"What are you talking about? I only graduated from the Academy a few weeks ago!"

"Not you… your father!"

Naruto was stunned. "You… you knew my father? Who was he?"

"Two of his precious brats, all in one place!" the still-unidentified intruder gloated, completely ignoring Naruto.

Naruto and Sasuke looked at each other.

"Well I know _we're_ not related," Sasuke declared.

"So…my father…is also Kakashi-sensei's father?" Naruto asked slowly.

"Stop being deliberately dense!" the enemy shouted, annoyed that no one but him was impressed by his glorious revenge speech.

"He's just naturally that way," Sasuke said, unable to resist the opening. "Anyway, Naruto, just ignore him. Obviously he's just crazy!"

"What do you know about it, Sasuke? Huh? Crazy guy, what did you mean by that?"

"I don't need to explain myself to you! You'll be dead soon anyway!" the man announced.

"Then why the hell are we just standing here talking?" Naruto demanded.

The guy blinked, then smirked evilly. "You know…I have no idea."

"Nice, Naruto," Sasuke said, very sarcastically.

"Shut up."

"Prepare to—erk!"

Both boys stared at the fist protruding from the very-dead ninja's chest. Kakashi's head appeared over his shoulder. "Well, that was a boring conversation."

"Gross!" Naruto shouted, looking thrilled. "Look at the splatter! You've got to teach me that!"

"Where have you been?" Sasuke wanted to know.

"Well, he had two companions, and now he doesn't," Kakashi said casually. "I was sure you could handle it."

"Are we related?" Naruto demanded.

"Uh…no. What exactly did I miss?"

"That guy seemed to think Naruto destroyed his village or something. It didn't make a lot of sense," Sasuke supplied.

But Kakashi wasn't really listening. "Naruto…did you know your kitchen is on fire?"

* * *

With both genin now homeless, Kakashi took them to the hospital to spend the night after sending word to the Hokage. They _were_ in a fight, even if the greatest danger was them killing each other. He pulled out a book and pretended to read, waiting for the fireworks to start with no small amount of anticipation.

"I can't believe you burned my apartment down," Naruto griped.

"Well, you burned my home down first. And anyway, there was already a huge rock wall right in the middle, so it's not like you could live there, anyway."

"That wasn't my fault!"

"Well it wasn't my fault either!"

At this rate Kakashi would have no trouble explaining why they needed medical treatment. Naruto was seconds away from launching himself at Sasuke…

The door swung open.

Well, there went that entertainment.

Instead of the Hokage, that special Jounin who followed him around stepped in.

"Waah, it's the closet pervert!" Naruto yelled, loud enough for the whole hospital to hear.

And the entertainment returns, Kakashi thought gleefully. Whatever else might be said about Naruto, life was never dull around him. "What did you call him?"

"It's you!" Ebisu shouted, pointing dramatically. He and Naruto exchanged fiery glares.

"Oh this is going to be good," Kakashi said, rubbing his hands together.

Sasuke rolled his eyes, but he didn't look away from the unfolding spectacle either.

"What's this loser doing here? Protection? Ha! I totally owned him with my Harem Jutsu!"

"Shut up!" Ebisu screamed, tackling Naruto and covering his mouth.

"…Harem Jutsu?" Kakashi repeated.

"Seriously, don't ask," Sasuke muttered.

The Sandaime chose that moment to stride into the room. "Ah, Ebisu. Is there some reason you're assaulting hospital patients?"

Ebisu jumped back hastily, though not before Naruto landed a solid kick on the side of his head. "This boy—he—I'm sorry, Hokage-sama!" He bowed deeply, glaring at Naruto the whole time.

"Old man!"

"Hello, Naruto," the man said indulgently. "Sasuke, Kakashi. Now, Kakashi already sent along a preliminary report—which will certainly be supplemented in a thorough and timely fashion—but he indicated that the two of you were alone with one of the hostiles for a few minutes. Did he do or say anything to identify himself, his mission or who he was working for?"

"Oh yeah!" Naruto shouted immediately. "He went on and on about that stuff! He was here to capture Sasuke, but when he saw me he got all pissed about his village or something and started going off about revenge."

"But Sasuke was his primary target?"

"That's what he said. Asshole apparently didn't even know I was there! Some ninja."

"Thank you, Naruto. Did he say anything about who sent him?"

"Umm…just that he was a creep and a perv and a cheapskate!"

"…Naruto, you idiot. You remembered all that, but not his name?"

"What? What?"

"He told us he was sent by someone called 'Orochimaru.'"

The three adults immediately tensed.

"Are you sure?" the Hokage demanded sharply.

"Yes, I'm sure," Sasuke said slowly. "Why, is this guy a big deal?"

"He does fit Naruto's description," Kakashi contributed.

"…quite. This bears further consideration. You two will remain here under ANBU guard until I say otherwise."

Both boys gave identical, irritated sighs. Despite the circumstances, the Hokage's lips twitched.

"Kakashi—"

"I'll stay here."

"And write that report?"

"…yes, Hokage-sama."

"I look forward to it. Come, Ebisu. I'll prepare a list of ninja I want in my office right away."

As soon as the other two left, Naruto and Sasuke turned on their sensei. "How long do we have to stay here?" Sasuke demanded.

"What exactly were you doing in Naruto's apartment anyway?" Kakashi asked, ignoring the question.

"…I'm not staying with those freaks another second," Sasuke muttered sullenly.

"You realize that this situation is _exactly_ why you were staying with 'those freaks' in the first place?"

"I was perfectly safe," Sasuke retorted.

"Yes…yes you were, weren't you…" Kakashi said thoughtfully, abandoning his attempts at scolding Sasuke.

"Sensei, you're freaking me out," Naruto said frankly.

"You two seemed to have the situation well in hand…"

Now Sasuke was suspicious, too. "So what?"

"Oh, nothing," Kakashi said innocently, smiling.

Not surprisingly, neither of his students trusted him.


	5. The Roommate From Hell

A/N: Thank you everyone for reading. All your reviews, favorites and follows really make my day. Hope you enjoy the new chapter!

"Yo," Kakashi greeted, jumping through the window of the Hokage's office.

"Why do you Jounin never use the door?" Sarutobi asked rhetorically, not looking up from the letter he was writing. One of Konoha's famed messenger pigeons was perched on his hat.

Kakashi, of course, seized on that immediately. "Decided you were tired of being Hokage and wanted to take up a career as a statue?" he asked, leaning against a wall.

Sarutobi sighed and decided to ignore the nonsense so Kakashi would realize it didn't affect him and stop. One day, that was going to work. "I'm writing Jiraiya," he said, deciding that Kakashi should probably know this anyway. "And speaking of writing, where's that report?"

"…I'm working on it."

"Why do I even bother?"

"Do you think Jiraiya-sensei will actually come?"

"Don't worry, Kakashi, I haven't forgotten how to make my student hop to it, even after all these years." He finished the last line, then gave the letter to the bird. "Did you have some particular reason for dropping by this morning, or are you just being annoying? And who's watching your students?"

"What do you take me for? I didn't leave until the guard arrived."

"…there were two ANBU there all night."

"Yes, but neither of them was Tenzou."

"Ah. Did you at least find out why Sasuke was there in the first place?"

"He claims that the Hyuuga compound is too far from the training area, as if the Uchiha compound weren't as far from everything else as possible while still being in the same village. I asked Hiashi-sama about it, but he was even more close-mouthed than usual. I think there might be a story there."

"…I see. Well, I've already had two complaints from the hospital staff about Naruto, so we need to do something about that situation as well. Do you think I could trick Hiashi into taking him for a few days?"

Both men paused to savor that mental image.

"Extremely unlikely, Hokage-sama."

"Alas. Well, since we're discussing your team, what about your other student, that girl with the pink hair…what's her name again?"

"Haruno Sakura. She's…fine. She lives with her parents, a merchant and a housewife, and…well, her life is so perfectly ordinary it's almost un-ninja-like," Kakashi reported dutifully.

"Hmm. There's no way we can saddle two civilians with the Uchiha clan head and a Jinchuriki. And last time Naruto had a problem with his apartment he slept at the Academy, but if he does that again Iruka might try to poison my tea."

"Actually, I have an idea about that—" Kakashi began. He told the Hokage his plan.

"That—Kakashi, do you _enjoy_ the suffering of others?" Sarutobi demanded, amused in spite of himself. "Never mind; don't answer that. Well, if you really think it will work, I'll sign off on it."

Kakashi had an unholy gleam in his eye that would have sent any of his students running for the hills.

"But even so, I had an idea of my own. It might be a good idea to get Sasuke out of the village for a time. Obviously our current plans for his protection aren't working, and now that Orochimaru is involved, the attacks will only increase. Naturally we have a shortage of C-class missions at the moment, but fortunately there's one that just might work."

"Escort mission to Wave Country? That's awfully close by, isn't it?"

"You'll just have to be sneaky. Are you a ninja or aren't you?"

"Well, what's that mission?"

"What, this? Totally unsuited for your team. I was thinking about sending—Kakashi? Wipe that expression off your face this instant! And come back here with that scroll!"

* * *

Naruto sat on his bed and glared at Sasuke. His few valuable possessions were scattered underneath the hospital bed, the rest of them _burned up in the fire_, and he was desperately bored.

Sasuke glared right back, all of _his_ worldly possessions neatly organized in a field pack under his bed, since the rest had, oh right, been _destroyed in a fire_.

Tenzou coughed.

A doctor dropped by—for the third time that day—with a plate of snacks for Sasuke and a cold glare for Naruto.

"Hey, I'm hungry too," Naruto whined.

"Shut up, freak."

Naruto glared, but didn't raise a fuss. Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

Tenzou narrowed his eyes.

"Hey, that's my pillow," Sasuke announced randomly, snitching Naruto's pillow out from under him.

"Kiss my ass you stupid bastard!" Naruto yelled immediately, glad to have something to fight about. "That was mine and you know it! You shouldn't steal from people whose entire home was just burned down by some idiot who doesn't know you shouldn't use fire jutsu _indoors_!"

Sasuke glared at him. "Maybe it's too much for your tiny brain to recall, but _my_ home wasjust destroyed, too—by _you_!"

"Oh right," Naruto said, blushing slightly. "I forgot about that."

"You—it was two weeks ago!" Sasuke said incredulously.

"Well I have other things on my mind!" Naruto retorted. "So why don't you just shut up!"

Sasuke's eyebrow twitched.

"Anyway, was it really necessary to yank the pillow out from under me?" Naruto whined, rubbing his sore head.

Sasuke smirked. "Yes, yes it was."

Annoyed, Naruto retrieved said pillow and whacked the other boy's legs with it.

Sasuke countered by dumping a pitcher of water over Naruto's head.

Naruto retaliated by throwing the tray of food, somehow missing Sasuke, who was two feet in front of him, and hitting the doctor in the face. Accidentally, of course.

Sasuke took advantage of his distraction to yank on Naruto's sheet, sending the shorter boy tumbling to the floor.

"Oh, it's on, bastard!" Naruto yelled, jumping up and tackling Sasuke.

"Control that thing!" the doctor hissed, dripping.

"I'm sorry, we freaks have trouble hearing sometimes," Tenzou said pleasantly, baring his teeth behind his mask.

The doctor wisely decided to go elsewhere.

By the time Kakashi returned, both boys were on the floor, trying to catch their breath. The room was in shambles; every piece of furniture was overturned, the window lay in pieces all over the room, and the pillows had exploded. The only things left unscathed were the boys' rescued possessions.

"Do I even want to know?" Kakashi asked.

"I won," Naruto insisted, from beneath a pile of torn bedding.

"You wish, dobe."

"I can see you're taking your job seriously," Kakashi whispered to Tenzou.

"Just wanted to do something nice for the staff," the other man said, not sounding at all repentant.

Kakashi narrowed his eyes, but decided to trust his comrade's judgment.

"So, what happened here?" Kakashi asked, raising his voice to address the two boys.

The two boys looked at each other, then shrugged. They weren't actually that concerned about getting in trouble; Kakashi was one of the least responsible people either of them had ever met.

And true to form, Kakashi just shrugged back. "Well, whatever. I'm sure someone will take care of it eventually. And, speak of the devil!"

To Naruto and Sasuke's utter horror, Iruka-sensei stepped into the room. Maybe he wouldn't notice the blatant destruction of public property?

"Hello, boys. Are you feeling alright? I heard you had a very busy night!"

Sasuke and Naruto exchanged long, disconcerted glances, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"Oh, I see. I'm glad you remember that conversation we had after the two of you destroyed one of my desks with your brawling." He smiled pleasantly.

Naruto cowered under the bedsheets and Sasuke prudently edged towards the window.

"Well, I just had a very informative conversation with one of the doctors and it seems he would be happy to take care of any further difficulties in this room personally—once he digs himself out of the wall, that is. Very clumsy, that fellow. Anyway, I had something I wanted to talk to Naruto about before he has to resume his training."

"…what is it?" Naruto asked, cautiously emerging from his hiding place.

Before Naruto knew what was happening, he was being simultaneously hugged and throttled. "You idiot! How'd you end up facing a hostile ninja without even leaving the village! He could have killed you... and you're acting like it's nothing! I'm gonna kill you for putting your life at risk!"

Tenzou, Sasuke and Kakashi sweat dropped and edged away.

Watching Naruto turn steadily bluer in the face, Kakashi finally decided he'd better step in. "Er, Iruka-sensei, remember I have plans for these two today? If you kill Naruto now, I'll have to think of something else."

"Plans?" Sasuke asked.

Naruto wheezed.

"…Fine," Iruka said grudgingly, releasing Naruto. "If you're not too busy, maybe we can get some ramen later."

"What plans?" Sasuke asked again.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, the male members of Team Seven were standing in a spacious apartment practically adjacent to their preferred training ground. It was simply furnished, but all the appliances were new and it was spotlessly clean.

"Um, okay…" Naruto said, confused. "Is this…your apartment, Kakashi-sensei? I would have expected more…"

"Porn?" Sasuke finished bluntly.

"Actually, this is _your_ apartment!" Kakashi said brightly, ignoring Sasuke.

"Who are you talking to, me or Sasuke?" Naruto asked, still confused. "Doesn't Sasuke already have an apartment?"

"…I forgot about that. I suppose someone should inform the landlord we won't be needing that anymore…" Kakashi mumbled. "But that's not important right now—I was talking to both of you!"

"No way," Sasuke said immediately.

"Both of…us…" Naruto repeated, trying to decipher what was going on. His jaw dropped. "WHAT!?"

"It's a two-bedroom apartment," Kakashi elaborated. "And see, it's right near the training area, and close to the shops downtown, too. It's a prime spot, and together you'll have more than enough to cover the rent and food and other basic necessities."

"No." "I wouldn't live with that bastard if you paid me to! Not for a lifetime supply of ramen!"

"Neither of you have another option right now, so why don't you just accept it?" Kakashi asked, clearly not holding out much hope that it would be that easy.

"I have a place to live!" Sasuke shouted.

"Not for long!" Kakashi said cheerfully.

The two boys glared at Kakashi, fists clenched, breathing hard.

"He'll just make me do his laundry for him," Sasuke said finally, with the air of someone bringing out a trump card.

"What? No I won't!" Naruto retorted immediately, not sure why Sasuke was talking about laundry but sure that he wanted to take the opposite side as Sasuke. Except about living together. On that point, they were in complete agreement.

"Oh please, you're always showing up to practice in yesterday's clothes, I can smell you coming a mile away!"

"No you can't!"

"And I'll bet you've never washed a dish in your life!"

"Who has time for all that? If I'm going to be Hokage someday, I've got to train hard!"

"That's no excuse to be so disgusting! It's a wonder you don't grow mold!"

"What the hell is up with you and cleaning? It's just a little dirt! Are you secretly a girl or something? Because with that hair…it's not that much of a secret."

"Oh, that's it…"

"I think this is going to work out perfectly!" Kakashi said, beaming. "Now, do you want your housewarming gifts?"

The boys noticed that they weren't the only ones carrying stuff for the first time. Kakashi had a large sack in one hand, and a box with holes that was rocking ominously under his other arm.

"I very much doubt it," Sasuke said frankly.

"Presents!?" Naruto shouted, jumping up and down.

"Don't fall for that, dobe."

"I want both of you to treat this arrangement as a mission," Kakashi said, sounding a bit more serious. "You both have to stay here every night, unless we leave Konoha for a mission or one of you is in the hospital, for a whole month. Then, if you still hate it, I'll reconsider."

Both boys opened their mouths to protest.

"Shut it, both of you. I'm the instructor, and you're just my minions. You do what I tell you."

"Minions?" Naruto squawked.

"I do as I please," Sasuke said stubbornly.

"Not if you want to make chuunin," Kakashi said sternly. His mood shifted abruptly. "Oh, and in case I need to leave suddenly, I'll tell you this now: we have a long term mission outside the village tomorrow, so I want you to meet me at the dango shop in the marketplace at dawn tomorrow. Bring your gear. I'll tell Sakura and let her know that there's no training today—I want to give you two a chance to adjust to your new circumstances."

"…why would you need to leave suddenly?" Sasuke asked suspiciously.

Kakashi attempted to look innocent. He failed. "So? Presents?"

"Yay!" Naruto shouted, doing a little dance.

Sasuke rolled his eyes.

Reminding himself of the promise of presents, Naruto manfully ignored that stupid bastard and dumped his stuff on the table. He righted the two mostly-dead plants he'd been attempting to raise—he was so blaming Sasuke for their pitiful state—and tried to get some of the spilled dirt back into the pots. "So, what'd'ya bring us?" he demanded, giving up on the plants.

"Well, Iruka-sensei wanted to come with us, but there was an incident at the Academy with the Hokage's grandson and a bucket of paint…you wouldn't have anything to do with that, would you, Naruto?"

It was Naruto's turn to snicker. "That Konohamaru…I've taught him well."

"You? Teach someone?"

"Shut up Sasuke! He thinks I'm great! I'm his role model!"

"That's the scariest thing I've ever heard."

"Argh!"

"But!" Kakashi said loudly. "He asked me to bring these along on his behalf." He handed Naruto an envelope full of ramen tickets and gave Sasuke a photo album.

"All right!" Naruto cheered.

"What is this for?" Sasuke asked, turning the album over in his hands.

"Oh, oh!" Naruto shouted, actually distracted from the idea of free ramen for a moment. He began rummaging around in his box. "Here, that's for this! I kept your copy for you!"

Sasuke took the picture, the faces of his team staring back him. "Hnn." He opened the album, then quickly shut it again. Someone had retrieved his picture of Itachi and tucked it inside the front cover.

"Iruka-sensei gave me one for my birthday last year!" Naruto enthused, either ignoring or not noticing Sasuke's lack of enthusiasm. "I'm sure we'll do plenty of cool things to put in there!"

"Moving on," Kakashi interrupted, since eventually Naruto would notice and comment on Sasuke's mood—probably—possibly. "I noticed you like plants, Naruto, so I got you this." He handed Naruto some sort of giant, broad-leafed plant that was more like a shrubbery than a houseplant.

The vibrant green plant made Naruto's half-dead weeds look even more pitiful by comparison. Kakashi apparently noticed the contrast, because he kept talking. "I want you to do your best to take care of this. It's important for you to learn responsibility, and also to practice taking care of something. Think of it as a part of your training—as a chuunin, you will often be responsible for protecting civilians, or you might even be head of your own squad of ninja."

Sasuke poked one of the dead plants, and the part he touched crumbled to dust. "Too bad for them."

Naruto bared his teeth, but for once didn't have a quick retort.

"And on that note," Kakashi continued doggedly, reaching for the box, which was now scooting across the table of its own volition. "This is for you, Sasuke." He reached in and pulled out—a kitten.

"What?" Sasuke asked, looking genuinely alarmed.

"Grr, I hate cats!"

Ignoring them both, Kakashi deposited the kitten in Sasuke's hands. Sasuke held it as far away from him as possible, the way other people might treat a live grenade. "I don't know anything about pets." The cat, as cats are wont to do, seemed to sense his dislike and rubbed against his hand, purring loudly.

"Weren't you listening to what I told Naruto? If you think anyone is going to trust you with people's lives someday, first you need to learn how to take care of things besides yourselves. So I'm putting you here together, so you can learn to cooperate, and I'm giving you these things to take care of…because if you kill them, it will mean less paperwork than if I gave you a baby."

They both gaped at him.

"There are directions in the box, about feeding and stuff," Kakashi said, gesturing vaguely in that direction. "At least there were—they might have been shredded. Well, good luck!" He disappeared.

* * *

Sasuke and Naruto were determined to succeed at their mission. If only the other wasn't so impossible!

"I can't go all night without toothpaste!"

"Stop being such a diva!"

"Stop being so disgusting!"

"If you're so up in arms about it, why don't you go get some!"

"Maybe I will!"

They glared at each other, then Sasuke stormed out, pointedly slamming the door.

Naruto sat at the table and plotted ways to make Kakashi-sensei's life miserable. He had lots of ideas.

Seconds later, Sasuke ran back into the house, slamming the door and bracing himself against it.

"What! Are we under attack again?" Naruto demanded, leaping to his feet.

"They're following me," Sasuke whispered, eyes wide. He slunk over to the window and peered out through the curtain.

"So…are we fighting or what?" Naruto asked, confused. He looked out the window, but the only person in the street was one of their classmates. What was her name again?

"Not enough lace…" Sasuke muttered, petting the curtains.

"Er…have you gone insane?" Naruto asked seriously. Kakashi was so dead. Not just a bastard roommate, but a _crazy _bastard! Frowning at Sasuke, he pushed open the door to see what was going on.

"N—Naruto-kun!"

He looked up and down the street, but they were the only ones there. "Uh, hey there…Hinata! What's up?"

"Oh, I—I—"

Naruto looked back at his new apartment, then at Hinata. "Say, are you doing anything, or just out for a walk?"

"W—walk?"

"Mind some company?"

She squeaked.

Naruto decided to take that as a yes. "Great! Do you know anything about soap?"

"Well…kind of…"

"Awesome! I need special soap for washing my clothes, apparently."

"Well—that's not really s-soap, more like d-detergent, really."

"Huh. Never heard of it. I suppose I could get some toothpaste as well…"

The two former classmates walked down to the shop together, and Naruto was surprised and a bit embarrassed to find that Hinata was great company, if very quiet and prone to blushing for no reason. He didn't think he'd ever spoken to her before and mostly invited himself along just to avoid spending time with Sasuke, but she was…nice. To him.

It was nice.

Once they left the shop, Naruto rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. What did other people talk about with their friends?

"So, uh…" He coughed. "I kind of don't want to go home right now…"

"Yeah," Hinata said, with feeling. She immediately clapped her hands over her mouth, looking horrified.

Naruto fidgeted in the suddenly awkward atmosphere. He wanted to say something cool to reclaim the earlier, casual atmosphere, but he just didn't know what to do! Didn't people…go to the playground? No, that was for little kids! Uh…uh… "Want to get some ramen?" he blurted out.

Hinata fainted.

Naruto smacked himself in the forehead. Obviously this 'friend' thing was going to take some practice. But he never gave up, and he certainly wasn't giving up on the only person who looked at him without that coldness in their eyes. Well, Sasuke didn't look at him like that, but he was so…Sasuke.

He picked up Hinata and brought her over to a nearby bench, which ironically enough was at the playground. He pretended not to notice the weird looks from some of the passersby.

He propped her up in a sitting position and hovered awkwardly, trying to figure out what to do. Sometimes people fainted because they had trouble breathing, right? He leaned in and listened, but her breathing seemed fine. Maybe she saw a mouse? That made girls faint, right?

Fortunately, she soon started to stir. He watched carefully as her eyes fluttered open, and she immediately turned bright red.

"The mice are all gone!" Naruto said quickly.

"Um…okay?"

That settled, he moved onto even more unstable ground—"Do you…want to talk about it?" he asked. Just in case it was an emotional thing. Girls were so confusing!

Her gaze dropped and she started poking her fingers together. "N-no…"

Naruto cast about desperately for something else to say. "Uh…want to go on the swings?"

"A-all right…"

They sat on the swings together for a long time, and Naruto babbled on about anything that came to mind. Inevitably, that defaulted to complaining about Sasuke.

"—and now he's picking out curtains!" he finished.

"Well, my cousin says—um, never mind."

"Huh. Well, at least I won't have to put up with him for very long! I have a real ninja mission tomorrow, outside the village and everything! Believe it!"

"W-won't that be…d-dangerous?"

"If I'm going to be Hokage someday, I can't back down from anything! And definitely not from dangerous missions! They'll probably give us something really important, like rescuing a princess or something! I'm done wasting my skills rescuing cats!" Naruto froze, mid-rant.

"W-what is it, Naruto-kun?" Hinata asked after the silence had stretched for almost a minute.

"Kakashi-sensei gave me a mission: to protect a plant! And Sasuke-teme has that cat! How often do cats eat?"

Hinata sweatdropped. "E-every day…"

"Gah! What are we going to do? My plant can't go more than a few days without water!"

Hinata started poking her fingers together, blushing brightly. "W-well…if you wanted…I could take care of them for you…until you get back…"

"Really!? That would be _awesome_, Hinata! You're the best!"

Poor Hinata blushed even redder, but her smile was brilliant.


	6. First Missions

A/N: Sorry for the wait, and thank you for your favorites, follows and reviews. Seeing the email alerts makes my day.

* * *

It was nothing short of miraculous, but Sasuke and Naruto both survived to meet Kakashi by the shops the next morning.

They still almost died when they arrived and saw that he was waiting for them.

"Y-you—" Naruto stammered, pointing. "I don't believe it!" He staggered dramatically into a wall.

Kakashi stared.

Sasuke looked irritated with Naruto's antics, but he was also eyeing Kakashi suspiciously. "You're not late," he said flatly.

"Ah, heheh. Don't get used to it, I just didn't want to miss a single second of your humiliation—I mean, this is a very important mission."

Both his students scowled at him.

"Right then! Let's get started! First things first: Naruto, tell me more about this jutsu of yours."

Naruto blinked. "Uh…which one?"

"I believe Iruka-sensei called it…Oiroke no Jutsu?"

Sasuke frowned. "…why would you want to know about that?"

Naruto, however, grinned from ear to ear. "Alright!" He concentrated, then a buxom, smoke-clad woman appeared in his place. "What do you think? I call her Naruko!"

Sasuke buried his head in his hands, hoping that it was too early for anyone he knew to see this.

Kakashi, surprisingly, neither fainted nor got a nosebleed. Instead, he did a credible impression of someone studying a new jutsu. A _legitimate_ jutsu.

Sasuke suspected the man was so perverted he was immune. He determinedly did not look at the naked girl standing right next to him.

"Is this an actual transformation?" Kakashi asked, pulling on one of Naruko's pigtails.

"Yep!"

"How long can you keep that up?"

"Uh…I don't really know. The longest was six hours or so, I think…but I wasn't even tired! And I definitely wasn't trying to sneak into the women's bathhouse!"

"Idiot," Sasuke muttered. He reached out blindly and swatted Naruko on the back of the head.

"Hey! You can't hit me, I'm a girl!" Naruto protested, pouting outrageously.

Kakashi completely ignored this byplay, pushing his hitai-ate up to his forehead and studying Naruko. "Fascinating…even my Sharingan can't tell that it's just illusion…"

Sasuke's head snapped up. "Sharingan?"

"What's that?" Naruko asked, peering at Kakashi's exposed eye. "Wah, it's spinning! And red!"

"Don't stare at it!" Sasuke hissed, yanking Naruko back by her pigtails. "He'll hypnotize you!"

Naruto reappeared, his face scrunched up in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Don't you know anything? The Sharingan is a special ability unique to the Uchiha clan. It can be used to break and cast genjutsu."

"Oh, so can you do that, too?"

"No."

"Oh… Hey, does that mean Kakashi-sensei is from the Uchiha clan, too?"

"No."

"Uhh…"

Kakashi eventually took pity on Naruto's confusion. "This eye belonged to someone else once. It was a you-made-jounin present."

"Someone gave you an _eye_ as a _present_? That's weird."

"Bullshit," Sasuke said bluntly. "That's not the kind of thing you just give away."

"Well, I suppose that's true," Kakashi said agreeably. "Now Naruto, do it again, please. Can you make clothes, too?"

"Uh…sure, but…why?"

"One of the special abilities of the Sharingan is the ability to instantly copy any jutsu," Kakashi supplied.

"And you're using it for _that_?" Sasuke demanded. "Don't you think you should reserve that technique for something more…important?"

"Are you kidding? He would have _loved_ this. Sooner would be better, Naruto."

Naruto shrugged—the day Kakashi-sensei started making sense he'd start worrying—and transformed again, this time wearing a close-fitting version of his usual jumpsuit. "How's this?"

"Perfect." Kakashi pulled his hitai-ate back down over his eye and formed a hand seal. "Oiroke no Jutsu!"

Sasuke immediately clapped his hands over his eyes. "The legendary ability of my clan…"

"Whoa," Naruko said.

Sasuke cracked an eye open.

Kakashi had been replaced by a tall, curvy woman wearing a chuunin vest and a pair of shorts. And no mask. She swept her knee-length silver hair behind her head and smiled mischievously, flashing small white teeth. She clapped her hands together and bounced. "This is some technique!"

Naruko yanked Sasuke around the corner by the back of his hoodie. "You've got a little…" she touched her nose.

"What?" Sasuke touched his own nose and his fingers came away bloody. "What the…ah, you too!"

Naruko hastily wiped the blood off her face. They both looked at their bloody hands.

She gave Sasuke an uncharacteristically serious look. "We will never speak of this."

"Agreed."

"What are you two doing back there?" Kakashi called.

"Nothing!"

"Well, hurry up! Lots to do this morning, and not a lot of time!"

"So why are we messing around with perverted jutsu instead of doing something to prepare for our mission?" Sasuke asked, emerging from around the corner with Naruko in tow. To his complete disgust, Kakashi already had several admirers.

"Funny you should ask that," Kakashi said with an extremely alarming smile on her face. She started walking down the street. "Now, this technique takes quite a bit of chakra to maintain, so it doesn't make sense for Sasuke to use it."

"Why would I ever want to use that ridiculous jutsu?"

"No matter; Naruto was the one I was worried about, anyway," Kakashi continued cryptically, ignoring Sasuke. They finally stopped in front of a different store, where Sakura was waiting for them. "Ah, good morning, Sakura!"

"S-sensei?" she squeaked, jaw dropping.

"Ah, Sakura, right on time! Come along, children." Kakashi stepped inside, dragging Sasuke with her.

"Come on, Sakura-chan," Naruko said with a grin. "We shouldn't leave Kakashi-sensei alone for too long, who only knows what mischief she'll get into!"

Sakura blinked several times. "Naruto?"

Naruko took her arm, pleased when she didn't punch his face in. "Actually, I go by Naruko."

They went inside and almost immediately ran into Sasuke's back. "Oi, stop blocking the door!"

"This is a women's clothing store. What could we possibly need in here?"

"Perhaps you haven't noticed, but three of us are women right now," Kakashi said cheerfully, waltzing over with elaborate kimono draped over his shoulders. "Everyone pick your favorite!"

"What do you mean, sensei?" Sakura asked, even as she reached for one of the beautiful garments. "Ooh, sakura blossoms!"

"Didn't I mention this? Our mission is to accompany the daimyo of Tea Country's wife on procession! She already has a full complement of guards, but the daimyo requested a little extra assurance of her safety. After all, the guards are all men, and only women are permitted in the lady's carriage and entourage."

"Guarding a princess? Alright! Now that's what I call a ninja mission!" Naruke cried, grabbing a kimono that clashed horribly with her hair. "Uh…how do I put this on?"

Sasuke crossed his arms over his chest. "So…what about me?"

Kakashi draped a fine purple kimono over his shoulders. "Well, you certainly have the cheekbones for it, but we'll have to do something with your hair…"

* * *

A cry of frustrated rage reverberated through the village.

"...what was that?" Kurenai asked.

"I'm certain I have no idea," the Hokage said with a broad grin.

Asuma eyed him suspiciously.

"As I was saying, I have a C-class escort mission here. The destination is Wave Country; a good first out-of-village mission for a new genin squad. Now, who wants it?"

Kurenai and Asuma exchanged glances.

"I'm not sure I could convince my team to expend the effort…" he began.

"Are you really sure my team is ready? I know they set some sort of record for the Retrieve Tora Mission, but really, that doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things…" she said at the same time.

"I think what we mean to say, Hokage-sama, is that perhaps a more experienced team would be better suited to this mission. After all, C-class missions are most often handled by chuunin," Asuma finished.

"I'm afraid the chuunin will be occupied for quite some time."

"What, all of them?"

"Sasuke was attacked last night by an agent of Orochimaru."

The two jounin froze.

"Well…perhaps if we went together?" Kurenai offered weakly.

* * *

Precisely at noon, four lovely young ladies dutifully reported to the Hokage's office to begin their assignment. Fifteen minutes later, the Hokage calmed down enough to invite the client in.

"Ah, Sarutobi-sama. It is a pleasure to see you again."

"Tomo-sama, it has been too long. Here are the ninja you requested."

"I thought you could only spare one?"

"Ah, well, a team of students volunteered for the task. The price will be the same, I assure you. They have never been out of the village before, and would benefit from the experience as much as you will benefit from their protection. And if there is any trouble beyond their abilities, their jounin-sensei is one of the best in the village."

Kakashi waved.

"Your hair is just lovely!" the lady exclaimed. "And such an unusual color!"

"Thank you, my lady. Your regard honors me."

"Are you sure they're suitable?" the daimyo asked. "We aren't anticipating any trouble, of course, but the dark-haired one seems nervous."

All eyes turned to Sasuke, who was trembling with barely-contained rage.

Kakashi laughed lightly. "Ah…yes. My dear student Sa—Anko. I'm afraid she's a bit delicate, and terribly shy."

The Hokage choked.

"I see. I will bow to your judgment in this matter, Sarutobi-sama. You have never led me astray. Perhaps Anko would like to spend some time gathering flowers with the other young ladies, give her a chance to make some friends."

Fortunately, civilians were not adept at detecting or interpreting killing intent.

Kakashi not-so-discreetly kicked Sasuke. "I am honored," Sasuke said, almost civilly.

"Well…shall we depart?"

* * *

Hinata's hands shook as she packed her bag. She was nervous about the mission—what if the others depended on her and she let them down?—but at the same time guiltily excited. She'd been out of Konoha many times, but never without her father and an entourage. And on top of that, she was ashamed of herself for letting Kurenai-sensei talk to her father. Someone who was supposed to be clan head someday shouldn't be afraid of anything. But Kurenai-sensei had made the Hokage's orders very clear: all ANBU were needed in the village to address a situation that genin like Hinata needn't concern themselves with. And Hinata knew that she would never be able to stand up to her father if he insisted.

Speaking of…

"Mouse-san?"

A familiar ANBU leapt neatly through Hinata's window. "Hinata-sama! I heard about your mission! Are you excited?"

Hinata smiled at the woman who had been her bodyguard outside the compound since she was three. Normally a branch family member took over those duties within the compound, but this was a special occasion: her first mission out of the village. "A bit."

"Got everything you need?"

"I hope so…I checked twice, but…maybe I should check again…"

"Relax, I didn't mean to imply any criticism. I'm sure you're fine. Besides, so long as you have your weapons and a clean pair of underwear, the rest you can just do without."

Hinata laughed. It was such a relief to be around Mouse, who wasn't afraid to talk to her like a normal person instead of a clan heiress or a useless failure. It was a bit like how she thought her mother used to be. "I think I'll bring some extra healing ointment, just in case," she said softly.

"Sounds like a good idea."

Hinata fidgeted with her bag for a minute. "Umm…Mouse-san? I wanted to ask you something…if it's not too much trouble…"

"Hinata-sama, you are the least troublesome person I have ever met. What's on your mind?"

"Umm, well…a classmate of mine asked me to…water his plants and…feed his cat while he's on his mission, but…"

"But now you have a mission of your own, but you don't want to let your friend down."

Hinata flushed.

"I'd be happy to, Hinata-sama. Kakashi-senpai's brat, I assume? The loud blond one? That new apartment is all anyone at HQ is talking about right now, so I even know where to go."

"Th-thank you, Mouse-san."

"Sure, kid, I—"

"Neji!" her father bellowed from somewhere close by.

Hinata flinched.

She heard a door slide open and not-quite-running feet. Naturally, her father and cousin met right outside her door, along with someone else she didn't recognize just from their silhouette. Mouse took a step forward, putting herself between Hinata and the door. This was another reason Hinata like Mouse, even if she wasn't entirely comfortable with the idea that her father was someone she needed to be protected from.

"Pack your things," Hiashi ordered. Hinata automatically reached for her bag before realizing that a) she was already packed and b) he wasn't talking to her.

"Where am I going?" Neji asked neutrally.

"Hiashi-sama, please," Kurenai-sensei—ah ha, that was the third person—pleaded. "Both Asuma-san and I will be there the whole time, she will be quite safe—"

"Safe? She wasn't safe here in her own home! You have five other students to look out for and we all know she's useless on her own. I understand that the ANBU serve at the will of the Hokage, but Neji is only a genin. Take him with you and he'll guard her with his life. Isn't that right, boy?"

"Of course, Hyuuga-sama."

Hinata worried her lower lip. She was _not_ looking forward to being around her cousin in the near future.

"Hiashi-sama, Neji has his own missions—"

"You have something more important than your duty to the clan?" Hiashi asked in a low, dangerous tone.

"No, Hyuuga-sama. I live to serve."

Hinata bit clean through her lip. "Maybe I just shouldn't go…" she whispered to Mouse.

"Whatever Hiashi-sama might think, only the Hokage can order any ninja anywhere. Is this the first time your sensei has confronted him about something? I'd rather not have to step in, but—"

"Dynamic Entry!"

Hiashi groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose.

Hinata blinked as a green whirlwind resolved into the strangest looking person she'd ever seen. She now had a clear view of the proceedings as the newcomer had kicked out one of her shoji screens.

"Gai-sensei," Neji said neutrally.

"Ah, my youthful student! Here is where you were hiding! The Hokage has granted us a most youthful mission! We are entrusted with a most important task: something has been killing Gorou-san's chickens! It is such an honor!" He began crying loudly.

Hinata stared while Mouse shook her head.

"An honor?" Hiashi repeated, sounding like he wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"Of course! Without us, Konoha will have a shortage of eggs! Restaurant owners will panic! The people will revolt! We will be forced to renegotiate our treaties with the other nations and risk plunging into another great war! Neji! Why are you still standing there? Hurry!"

Hiashi twitched.

When Neji just glanced uncertainly at his uncle, his sensei grabbed him by the arm and dragged him down the hall, shouting about youth.

"Hinata, are you ready to go?" Kurenai-sensei asked, breaking the thick silence Gai left in his wake.

"Umm…yes, sensei." Hinata snatched up her bag and scurried after the woman, who marched past the still-twitching Hiashi without another word. Mouse waved, and Kurenai pushed Hinata out the door before it occurred to Hiashi to protest again.

* * *

Until they reached the border of Tea Country they would be traveling all day, only stopping when it was time to find an inn for the night. This gave Team Seven plenty of time for training.

Kakashi, back in his regular body and mask securely in place, idly swung his legs as he supervised their latest session. He silently congratulated himself on such a brilliant plan. Not even Orochimaru of the Sannin would connect four women on a milk run mission with the Last Uchiha. Soon they would be weeks away from Fire Country, giving the Hokage time to identify and shore up the gaps in their defenses that kept putting his students in danger.

And some jounin still maintained that he wasn't cut out to be a teacher.

"Sasuke! You're walking all wrong! _Small_ steps! Naruto, stop mangling that bouquet! Listen to Sakura!"

He deserved a reward, watching out for his students' well-being so selflessly.

* * *

Tazuna was beginning to feel like he'd been cheated, which was saying something since he'd lied about the mission parameters _and_ been given two teams for the price of one.

"Shikamaru! Move your lazy ass!"

"Is it time for lunch yet?"

"Geez, woman, would you quit your bitching already?"

"What was that, dog boy?"

"Yikes! Shino, hide me!"

"..."

"Some teammate you are…"

Kurenai and Asuma trailed along behind their teams, having long since abandoned any attempts at looking professional. At least they were almost there…

Akamaru barked sharply.

All the ninja stopped.

"Akamaru says there's someone nearby."

"Yes, I sense it as well," Shino said. "Hinata?"

"Byakugan!" After a moment, she pointed to a nearby tree. "There!"

There was a rustle, and a strange man appeared on one of the higher branches, enormous sword slung over his shoulder. "Is this seriously what they were so concerned about? Those two idiots come back all in a panic about an 8-man squad, and what do I find? Six brats, a woman, and some nobody from the most pathetic village in the Hidden Countries. Man, I should have killed them slower."

"Who are you?" Asuma demanded.

"I am Momochi Zabuza, Demon of the Hidden Mist. Don't bother introducing yourselves, you'll be dead soon anyway."

Kurenai inhaled sharply. "Let us handle him," she told the genin. "This opponent is beyond any of you."

"Ha! If only you knew how true that was!" Zabuza taunted, tensing to leap.

Asuma pulled out his chakra blades and Kurenai began forming the seals for a genjutsu.

Shino and Chouji caught Kiba by the back of his jacket and hauled him after the other genin into the forest, keeping themselves between the client and the enemy.

They found a large tree and set a few traps to make their position more defensible. Chouji sat on Kiba, who was furious and cursing at being left out of the fight. "At least tell us what's going on!" he demanded, craning his neck to look at Hinata.

She was staring off in a different direction—not that that really meant anything, given her bloodline ability—but did not appear to be following the battle. "I think there's someone else," she whispered. The genin all edged closer. "It's difficult to tell…I think he's masking his presence somehow, but I can still see faint traces of chakra coils."

"Akamaru doesn't smell anything," Kiba said, not quite as softly.

The others shushed him.

"I could be mistaken," Hinata said quickly, flushing.

"No, plenty of ninja would think to mask themselves from ordinary senses, but someone not familiar with Konoha might not think to mask their chakra signature if they aren't actively using any jutsu. Only a very powerful ninja or the Byakugan could sense that," Shikamaru said, keeping his voice low. "The presence…it's just sitting there?"

"Yes," Hinata said after a moment. "In the trees, about thirty yards southwest of our position."

Shikamaru frowned. "So whoever it is has a clear view of the battle."

"And so could we," Kiba said pointedly. "Hinata can see through stuff."

A blushing Hinata turned her attention to the fight. "Umm…it's not quite like regular sight, but…there are three people still standing and fighting…now there's a genjutsu in place." She stared at the ground. "I'm sorry…"

"Hey, you don't see any of us able to look through trees," Ino said, socking Hinata on the arm in a friendly way. Hinata rubbed her arm after she turned away, but she smiled to herself.

"Keep an eye on that other presence," Shikamaru whispered. Hinata nodded.

After about five minutes with no significant changes, all the genin were restless, except maybe Shikamaru. Tazuna was beside himself. "Do ninja battles usually take this long?" he demanded.

"Actually…no," Ino said, fidgeting with her ponytail. "Ninja battles are typically very short."

"…should we do something?" Chouji asked uncertainly.

"I wanted to do something all along," Kiba muttered darkly.

"Here's what we'll do," Shikamaru said abruptly. "Ino, Chouji and Hinata, stay with the client. Hinata, if you see anyone moving in on your position besides us, tell Chouji. Chouji, Meat Tank. We'll see that and know to come straight back. Ino, distraction. If your position is compromised, Henge into the client and try and draw their fire. Stay close, though, no heroics. Kiba, Shino, you're with me."

The boys snuck back to the clearing, but it was now shrouded in mist.

"Hinata wouldn't have any trouble seeing through this," Shino remarked.

"Alright," Shikamaru began. "We should—"

"Hey ugly!" Kiba yelled. "Why don't you stop hiding and fight like a man!"

Shino and Shikamaru exchanged horrified glances.

Kiba and Akamaru transformed into two whirlwinds and shot forward, dissipating the mist.

Zabuza turned to see what all the commotion was about, and Kurenai took advantage of his distraction to capture him in a genjutsu. Asuma landed neatly beside Zabuza and glared at Shino and Shikamaru.

They shamelessly pointed at a dizzy Kiba.

Asuma rolled his eyes. "We're all having a long talk about following orders," he informed the three. He stepped forward to slit Zabuza's throat. "Whoa!"

His exclamation could have been a response to any number of things: the senbon appearing in Zabuza's neck, the sudden appearance of a mist hunter-nin, or Hinata and Tazuna emerging from the forest.

Shikamaru narrowed his eyes.

"Doesn't anyone listen to me?" Asuma asked rhetorically.

"I have been searching for this one for a long time," the hunter-nin said. "Thank you for your assistance."

"He would already be dead if you hadn't interfered," Shikamaru pointed out.

"Don't be rude!" Kurenai hissed.

"I didn't want to risk anyone else being hurt. This Demon is full of surprises."

"So kill him already," Shikamaru said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"I will take him and—"

"You just said he was tricky. Why not just kill him now?"

Shikamaru and the hunter-nin stared each other down.

"If you were so concerned about us, why not interfere sooner?" Shikamaru said finally. "We know you've been here since the beginning."

"What is going on?" Kurenai asked. "Isn't he dead already?"

"If Shikamaru says there's something suspicious, there's something suspicious," Asuma said, moving in to check on the body. "He _seems _dead…"

"Why don't you stab him just to be sure?"

The hunter-nin tensed subtly, then moved almost faster than the eye could follow, straight for Tazuna.

The bridge builder leapt straight up, grabbing a low-hanging branch and flipped neatly to stand on it. He shimmered and Ino appeared in his place, blood dripping down her leg from the near miss. "You ruined my skirt, bastard!" she shrieked, shaking her fist.

The hunter-nin whirled, probably to come at them again, then wavered on his feet. The pause was enough for Shikamaru to catch him in his shadow.

"Your work?" Shikamaru asked Shino.

"I set my bugs to draining his chakra as soon as he appeared. I assumed Hinata's arrival was a signal that our unseen watcher had moved."

"Y-yes," Hinata stammered. "I-I know you said—"

"That was good work, Hinata," Shikamaru said. "There's definitely something going on here. We should take these two in for questioning. And the client is hiding something that is probably relevant."

"I'll get Chouji-san and Tazuna-san," Hinata said, scurrying off.

"I've got some rope!" Kiba volunteered, shakily making his way over.

Kurenai and Asuma looked at each other. "Well, good thing we were here…" he said sourly.

* * *

"Time for training!"

All three students groaned.

Kakashi took a moment to savor the sounds of their suffering.

"Up, up! By the time we get back to Konoha the other genin will be so far ahead of you the dust will have settled behind them!"

Predictably, that had Naruto up and halfway across the field before the other two had even stirred.

Sakura, who was really a very obedient child, followed soon after.

"Wow, I didn't realize you hated all the attention from being the number one rookie _that_ much," Kakashi taunted when Sasuke showed no signs of getting up.

Naruto started snickering. "Sensei, you know Sasuke has to be best at everything!"

This had been a great source of contention between Naruto and Sasuke practically since they met, the recognition Sasuke received and Naruto didn't. However, Naruto derived no end of amusement from the fact that Sasuke was the clear favorite with the lady's maidservants, and they continuously fawned over his "cute" face and were always styling his hair and dressing him up.

It was hilarious.

Also, Sakura was incredibly jealous, and stopped fawning over Sasuke every single second and was even more tolerant of Naruto, given the dearth of other people to talk to when she was giving Sasuke the cold shoulder.

Overall, this might be the most effective teamwork exercise Kakashi had ever come up with.

Sasuke dragged himself to his feet, stalking across the clearing with no regard whatsoever for his lessons in walking like a lady.

They headed out into the forest a ways, then Kakashi settled into lecture mode. "Now, today we're going to learn a chakra control exercise."

"Wait, we're actually going to learn a ninja skill?" Sasuke asked, momentarily shocked out of his sulk.

"I'll have you know that the kunoichi spend a considerable amount of time on flower arranging at the Academy," Kakashi said with dignity.

"It's true," Sakura said, sighing. "Another thing Ino's better at…"

"We're going to learn to climb trees!" Kakashi continued. "And before you all start bitching, this isn't going to be like whatever foolish stunts you got up to back when you were scrawnier. _Ninja_ climb trees without using their hands."

"Bullshit," Naruto said.

"Would I ever lie to you?"

"Yes!" All three said at once.

"Well, that's true. But this time I'm not!" And Kakashi flipped neatly into the air, landing with his feet solidly planted on the trunk of a nearby tree. His students gasped audibly. "Behold!" He ran up the tree, then stood on the underside of a branch about twenty feet from the ground. "Now you try."

They started kicking off their formal clothes.

"Hey! What are you three doing?"

Sasuke weighed the geta in his hand as if contemplating its usefulness as a projectile weapon.

"But sensei," Naruto whined, "my clothes don't fit when I'm not being Naruko."

"A ninja must learn to adapt to adverse circumstances," Kakashi lectured sagely. A sandal sailed past his ear. "Good try Sasuke, but you need to adjust for the unbalanced weight." A second sandal hit him right in the face. "Better, but now you need to go fetch them."

Sasuke cursed darkly.

"Um, sensei?" Sakura asked. "How do I keep from getting tangled in my kimono? It still hangs towards the ground."

"Hmm…I can't say I've ever had that problem. Good question, Sakura! Very well, I suppose you can train in your uniforms for now. But if you haven't mastered this in three days, I'm bringing out the layered kimono."

All three bent diligently to the task at hand.

* * *

It was a very confused Tazuna who was dutifully delivered to his home.

"What are you lot doing here?" Inari demanded. "You're all going to die!"

"Yeah, old news, kid," Kiba said. "Gatou's super dead by now."

Ino and Chouji ran up to Tsunami. "Please, ma'am—may I use your shower?" "Can I use your oven?"

"Uh…"

"Really, Hinata, I'm very impressed with your work," Kurenai said.

"D-do you think…I should have left them more healing ointment?"

"No, Hinata, I'm sure they're the best-cared-for enemy I've ever faced."

Asuma trailed along behind Shikamaru, looking confused. It was becoming an all-too-familiar state for him these days. "Okay, Shikamaru, I think I follow how you figured out that they were working for Gatou—though I'm still not satisfied as to why you even knew about him in the first place—but why exactly did we let Zabuza and Haku go?"

"They weren't any threat to us or our mission once I explained that Gatou was definitely going to double-cross them. It was clear from what Tazuna told us that in order to complete our mission and protect him we would need to eliminate Gatou, and now we've accomplished our objective with no effort on our parts. As for the two missing nin, they might look more favorably on us or Konoha in the future—not very likely, I'll admit, but Haku at least seems like he takes debts very seriously. And it could only benefit us to have eyes in Kirigakure, what with all the strange reports we've been getting from there recently."

Asuma just stared.

Shikamaru yawned widely. "I'm going to take a nap."

"Uh…sure." Asuma decided that he might as well get used to this lack of control. Damn if the kid wasn't right about everything! He drifted over to talk with Kurenai.

"Well," she began, "this mission could have gotten really ugly, really fast."

"Yep. Gotta love it when a mission goes smoothly."

* * *

Kakashi pushed his students behind him, cursing his luck. Not three hours after they said farewell to the daimyo's wife and set out for Konoha, they walked straight into a party of Kumo nin, who took exception to Konoha interfering with their mission.

Two six man squads, at least three ninja definitely of jounin level, and him with three genin barely two months out of the Academy. Just perfect.

"We can take 'em," Naruto whispered loud enough to be heard back in Konoha.

Sakura gaped at him.

Kakashi rolled his eye and shoved Naruto towards the forest. "We're running. Go now!"

"Not without you, sensei!" Naruto shouted.

Kakashi flew through a series of hand seals, blasting the ground open with his most powerful earth jutsu. Dust filled the air. He immediately whipped out a scroll and summoned Pakkun.

"How we doing?" the dog asked.

"Oh, the usual."

"That bad?"

"Yep. Tell the Hokage we're under attack and need help. Hurry."

"You got it, boss. Don't die now." He took off.

The three genin were just standing around watching, so he grabbed one of Naruto's arms and one of Sakura's, then kicked Sasuke's shin sharply. "Obviously you're not leaving me behind, who do you take me for? Now _move out_!"

They moved.

"Why do none of my missions ever go smoothly?" Kakashi muttered darkly.


	7. Cavalry

A/N: Sorry this took so long. Had a bit of a crisis because no one seems to really be liking this story, but I've already written it so I figure I might as well post it. Thanks to everyone who did read/review/etc, and I hope this makes up for the long wait!

* * *

The Hokage pinched the bridge of his nose. "Let me get this straight. You were so concerned about your teams that you insisted on going together. This was fortunate since your mission unexpectedly turned A-rank halfway through. And according to your reports, your teams managed to protect the client, negotiate a ceasefire with two high-level missing-nin, free the Land of Waves from oppression, and restore the economy of a struggling nation, all without any input from the two of you."

"Hey, we totally fought Zabuza, who, as you may recall, has a very bad reputation," Asuma protested.

"And you came in to complain? …about what, exactly?"

The two Jounin-sensei glared at each other.

"You would not believe the way he handles his team!" Kurenai hissed.

"Oh yeah, what about you?"

"They never do any training!"

"They barely do anything but train!"

"I put his team through a speed trial, and it took them ten minutes! Ten minutes! You can see the finish line from the starting point! What the hell were they doing!?"

"She's always interfering with my team!"

"They have no sense of teamwork at all!"

"No spirit!"

"Lazy—"

"Argumentative—"

"Can't understand how they can function together—"

"Need to show them how real ninja work as a team—"

"Ah hem."

The two Jounin backed away from each other sheepishly and turned to the Hokage.

"I will certainly take your concerns under advisement," the Hokage said, hiding his amusement with the ease of much practice. "Now, if that is all—"

They heard a commotion outside. The Hokage frowned.

The door flew open and the chuunin secretary came running in, chasing…a small dog?

"Hey, isn't that one of Kakashi's summons?" Asuma asked.

The dog leapt neatly onto the Hokage's desk, panting and looking half-dead. "Yo."

"Thank you, that will be all. This dog had an appointment."

The confused and slightly irritated chuunin bowed and returned to his desk. The remaining ninja clustered around the dog.

"Report."

Pakkun explained the situation, and the three ninja's faces grew increasingly grave.

"There's no way my team is ready for this," Asuma confessed.

"Mine either."

Asuma frowned thoughtfully. "Maybe Gai's team? They're around somewhere, aren't they? And they've got the Hyuuga."

Kurenai's eye twitched. "You know, I have a Hyuuga on my team as well."

The Hokage hastily intervened before that could grow ugly. "I'll contact Gai and see if his team is available."

"Right. I'll just…go train my team."

"Me too."

The Hokage sent off a messenger bird and settled back for the wait. It wasn't long.

"I was told to report right away, Hokage-sama!" Gai shouted, bursting through the doors without opening them. The chuunin secretary gawked at the giant hole in the door, then burst into tears.

The Hokage sighed. Gai was certainly…energetic.

The man leapt onto a chair and struck a pose instead of just sitting like a normal person. Or saluting and standing at attention, not that he expected that of any of his jounin.

The Hokage resolutely ignored his subordinate's antics. "Team Seven was attacked on their way back from a mission in Tea Country by at least twelve Kumo nin. That was almost a week ago, and their current status and location are unknown. Between the upcoming chuunin exams and this Orochimaru situation, I really don't have anyone to spare. Do you think your team could handle a mission of this caliber?"

Even as he said it, he knew he should have rephrased. _Of course_ Gai would think his team could do it. But even a more reasonable person would assume that there are few challenges Kakashi and Gai couldn't handle together. And if there was no team to find...he wouldn't think about that.

"Rival Kakashi needs me! We will certainly rush to his aid!" Gai enthused. "And then—our teams can spar together! How splendid! It is a glorious day indeed! And I, Maito Gai, will not rest until—"

"A simple yes or no will suffice, thank you."

Gai sent the Hokage one of his patented Nice Guy grins. His teeth glinted. "Yes!" Without waiting to be dismissed, he threw himself out the window and sprinted off towards, presumably, his unfortunate students.

The Hokage sighed and reached for an aspirin.

* * *

Neji walked back to the Hyuuga compound, exhausted from Gai-sensei's latest attempt at teaching them about camping. They practiced finding suitable locations, putting up and taking down a camp quickly, and what size camp would be needed based on the number of ninja—without bandit attacks this time. Which would be a welcome break from some of Gai-sensei's previous training ideas, except that Lee inevitably spent the entire night babbling at the top of his lungs and kept everyone else awake.

Gai-sensei, of course, faced the prospect of a full day's work on no sleep with enthusiasm, but Neji had spent the last day searching the forest for various naturally occurring poisons. Tenten caught him at it, but she'd only volunteered to help.

Lack of sleep and overexposure to the phenomenon that was Gai and Lee together aside, it did get him out of the compound, so ultimately Neji decided against poisoning anyone. Yet.

But it seemed he would have to wait to sleep, because Hinata-sama appeared to be hiding in a storage closet down the hall. Didn't she have an entire suite of her own? He surreptitiously activated his Byakugan—it was considered very bad form to use it inside the compound when not on guard duty, but it would only be a problem if he got caught.

He cursed under his breath. She was mixing something, presumably some of that healing ointment she was so fond of, and infusing the mixture with chakra.

"Hey," he said, sounding just as annoyed as he felt.

"Oh! Neji-nii-san!"

"What do you think you're doing? If Hyuuga-sama catches you doing this he'll be furious."

She bit her lip, fidgeting with the scroll she was holding.

"Where did you even find medical scrolls? You know your father believes medicine is a profession for lesser ninja."

"I…I…" To his shock, she set her shoulders and lifted her chin—not a lot, but it was more spirit than he'd ever seen in her before. "I won't stop. Not even if you tell father."

Huh. He sighed. "At least do it somewhere else. Anyone could see you in here."

"Oh…r-right…"

They both heard footsteps in the corridor. She stared at him with wide, frightened eyes.

Neji made a frustrated noise. "Come with me—that is, if you wish, Hinata-sama," he said, spinning on his heel and leaving. He heard her scrambling to gather her supplies and chase after him.

He walked normally to his room and stepped aside to let her follow. The footsteps continued on past his door.

He could _hear_ her biting her lip.

"…I won't tell your father," he said finally.

"Th—thank you, Neji-nii-san…"

"Whatever. I have no reason to get involved."

"Neji."

He turned to a branch member guard in the doorway. "Hanabi-sama wishes to speak to you."

When you were a branch member, if the lord's family wanted to see you, you dropped everything and hopped to it. "You are welcome to remain," he told Hinata. She, of course, could do anything she wanted to his room or possessions, but she never seemed to remember that. And kami forbid she went wandering around with that scroll and got them both in trouble—mostly him, of course.

He padded down the hall in his stocking feet until he reached the room where Hanabi trained. He pretended not to be bothered at having to bow to the whims of a seven-year-old girl.

"May I enter, Hanabi-sama?" he asked respectfully.

"About time you got here," she said sourly.

Oh, it was going to be one of _those_ meetings. "I'm sorry I displeased you, Hanabi-sama," he said, making a conscious effort not to grit his teeth as he knelt on the floor.

"Did you hear about my latest fight with my sister?" the girl asked, a derisive sneer in her voice when she said 'sister.'

"I did, Hanabi-sama," Neji replied, not sure where she was going with this. "Were you not victorious?"

The girl actually stomped her foot, scowling furiously. "She's pathetic," she said venomously. "It's _embarrassing_ to defeat her."

Neji privately agreed with this, but actually hearing it out loud made him want to shift uncomfortably. Fortunately, Hanabi kept talking and distracted him from his thoughts.

"And yet father still insists that she is still the heir until I prove myself the stronger. How can I show him my strength when she won't even fight back?" Her expression turned ugly. "This is _your_ fault. _You_ were supposed to train her."

Uh oh.

She marched over, taller than him given his submissive position, and activated his curse seal.

Long minutes later, he finally regained some feeling in his limbs. His throat was raw from screaming. He rolled over carefully—when had he fallen?—and saw all three main family members regarding him with identical pale eyes. While the clan lord's expression was one of faint disdain, Hinata looked completely horrified. It didn't help him, but it was better than Hanabi's look of smug triumph.

"Hanabi," the lord said mildly. "That was not appropriate. You will go to your room without supper and think about your actions."

"Yes, father," she said dutifully, scowling at Neji like this was also his fault, then departing for her room.

"You will speak of this to no one," he said to Neji.

"Yes, Hyuuga-sama," Neji recited, attempting a bow. He needn't have bothered, as the clan lord left without even waiting for his reply. Not that there was any doubt what it would be.

He managed to get to his hands and knees, but his muscles were still trembling badly with reaction. Then Hinata-sama was at his side, lending her shoulder to help him.

"I don't need any help," he lied.

She fluttered anxiously, clearly wanting to help him, but also to respect his wishes. He finally took pity on her—he didn't exactly want to spend all night flopping around on the floor—and gripped her shoulder. Together, they got him on his feet and out into the hall, where they were almost bowled over by Gai-sensei.

"My youthful student! We have—are you all right?"

Neji grimaced. He must really look like shit if _Gai_ noticed. "Fine."

"We have a mission outside the village. It will be very dangerous."

Neji pushed himself upright with some effort, ignoring Hinata's continued fluttering. "I can make it."

"Go eat something and meet me at the gate in an hour. I'll pack you a bag. Is there anything in particular you need?" the man asked with uncharacteristic seriousness.

Neji touched his pocket automatically, feeling the smooth edge of the photograph concealed there. "Nothing I don't already have. But that's really not necessary, sensei, I can pack for myself."

Gai eyed him carefully for a moment, then broke out into a broad grin. "Nonsense! This is a perfect opportunity for you to try out the new uniform I picked out for you!"

Neji's eye twitched.

"And don't worry about letting your uncle know you'll be out of town for a bit, I'll tell him on my way out."

Some battles, Neji knew he was never going to win. "Thank you, sensei."

Dutifully heading into the village to find something to eat, Neji tried to feel grateful that Hanabi was still not very skilled at manipulating the curse seal and he would be mission ready in time for their departure. But at the end of the day he still had a family that thought of him as a thing to torment whenever it was convenient.

He pulled out his picture, which he carried with him always. He was about three in this photo, not yet sealed, and his father was carrying him on his back. They were both beaming at the camera.

Neji let himself look for exactly one minute, then folded the picture carefully and went to place his order.

* * *

"Take a break."

The three genin immediately dropped to the ground, and Kakashi wouldn't be surprised if by the time this was over they could instantly sleep anywhere like any seasoned soldier. Sakura and Sasuke were so exhausted they were barely conscious, and even Naruto's inhuman stamina was starting to wear down.

Since they were stopping anyway, Kakashi carefully checked the makeshift splint on his left leg. It kept him functional, but he was fairly certain that if he didn't get any professional medical attention the bone was going to heal crooked. Wouldn't that be fun.

"Are you sure we shouldn't stand and fight?"

Kakashi sighed. "Naruto, we've been over this. Even with the five I've killed, there are still at least two jounin-level opponents out there, plus the others—too much for a genin team. It's been almost a week and a half, and even though we haven't exactly been traveling in a straight line, we're a lot closer to Konoha. Pakkun will send help."

Naruto made a frustrated noise, not that Kakashi could really blame him.

"I'd rather die fighting than running and hiding like this," Naruto said through gritted teeth.

It was easy to forget how young these kids were.

"Naruto, you're not going to die here. I would never allow my comrades to die."

Naruto looked up uncertainly, and Kakashi eye-smiled, patting the blond spikes. Then he tensed.

"Everyone up, we're moving!"

The kids lurched to their feet and obediently ran behind him with all the grace of a first year Academy student. Something needed to change soon, or they would collapse before help could arrive.

Kakashi suddenly narrowed his eyes. Something was off about this forest. He checked his chakra levels, grimaced, and pushed back his hitai-ate to expose his Sharingan.

"Shit!"

His students stumbled to a halt.

"Battle formation; we're surrounded. There's some kind of widespread genjutsu over this whole area."

"Right."

"I'm sick of all this hiding, anyway."

"Here's the plan: I'll take the two jounin, and that leaves one opponent for each of you. Remember your lessons so far."

"…what, like walking in a kimono?"

"Teamwork and tree-climbing was really more what I was driving at, but if you think that will help…"

"You can count on me! Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

"Katon: Goukakyuu no Jutsu!"

Sakura scowled, pulling out a kunai. She really needed to learn some ninjutsu after they got back.

Of course, anyone's ninjutsu library would look inadequate next to Sharingan no Kakashi's. The two enemy jounin were hard-pressed to hold him off, though to be fair one of them was a medical ninja and not particularly skilled in offensive attacks.

"Do something!" the attacking enemy jounin insisted.

"Like what?" his medic companion cried, dodging another fireball.

"Anything!"

"Got you," Kakashi said, appearing behind him. "Chidori!"

The medic panicked. If only he'd tried harder to be like that crazy leaf ninja, Tsunade…

Sakura screamed. Kakashi turned to see what had happened. And the desperate medic started running through hand seals.

"Wait, what are you—"

"Too late!"

The whole clearing was enveloped in a strange golden light.

_I just had to wish for a change_, Kakashi thought. Then he passed out.

* * *

Just a day later, Team Gai lurked in the bushes outside a well-fortified compound that had absolutely no business being in the middle of Fire Country.

"Do you think they're planning an invasion?" Tenten whispered.

Neji didn't answer. He'd been non-verbal since they located the enemy, though if looks could kill the compound would be a little pile of ash right now. She didn't know he'd ever been to Kumo.

She turned to Gai-sensei instead. "Are we sure they're here?"

He nodded. "My esteemed rival left a very clear trail up until a few miles from here. All signs at the site point to capture, though they put up quite a fight. The shattered trees were particularly impressive. I had no idea Kakashi had put such effort into developing his strength! For my next challenge I will certainly—"

"Focus, sensei," Tenten said, heaving a sigh of long-suffering. Neji had better snap out of it before she went insane.

"Er, yes. There are too many ninja present for us to have any hope of sneaking in. So we'll simply have to go in through the front door!"

"Brilliant, Gai-sensei!"

Tenten whimpered.

"Here's the plan. Tenten, Neji and I will create three distractions. Just jump in, set off your flashiest technique, then run. Keep doing it until the enemy is defeated or our mission accomplished!"

"What about me, sensei?"

"You, my most youthful student, will go inside and locate Kakashi and his team."

"Yes, sensei!"

"Stop taking notes!"

"Of course, sensei!"

"I want you to use all your speed—do not engage unless you absolutely have to!"

"Okay! Shall I take them off?"

"Yes! Lives are in danger!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Is that the whole plan!?" Tenten interrupted.

"Well-spotted, Tenten! In fact that is not the whole plan! Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"L—"

"Plan!"

"Yes, right. Lee, once you find them, you will check their condition. If they can fight, lead them out here. If not, you will come find me immediately and we will mount a rescue!"

"And be trapped inside the fortress, surrounded by enemies," Tenten muttered darkly. "Neji, _please_."

"Can we kill them now?" Neji growled.

"Such eagerness! Hands!"

Gai and Lee put their hands out for their usual pre-mission team handshake. Tenten hesitated; Neji's palm appeared to be glowing slightly with chakra. Gai apparently noticed, too, because he gave Lee a push that almost sent him rolling into the path of a patrolling ninja.

"We'll sneak to the other side of the compound in order to create a more effective distraction," Gai whispered loudly.

"Brilliant, Gai-sensei!"

"Let's just go," Tenten muttered, grabbing Neji carefully by his wrist and hauling him away.

If there was one thing their sensei excelled at, it was creating a distraction.

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!" Gai bellowed, catapulting right into the middle of a small cluster of ninja. He began cheerfully pummeling them, shouting at the top of his lungs about how unyouthful their treatment of his most hip rival was.

Tenten gave her teammate one last concerned look, then leapt into the air and whipped out one of her weapons scrolls, raining projectiles down on a very unfortunate patrol group.

It wasn't quite a 'dynamic entry,' but it was pretty flashy if she did say so herself.

Neji simply walked out into the clearing.

A nearby Kumo nin approached him with a broad smirk. "Well, well, if it isn't another Hyuuga. It's like a delivery service."

His buddy snickered.

Neji smiled, and Tenten shivered.

"Come at me, then, and face your fate."

* * *

Lee sprinted through the corridors, a small green blur bouncing around corners and leaping over a few confused Kumo nin. He was going so fast that he almost missed the cells.

Skidding to a halt, he ploughed two deep trenches in the floor with his feet.

A guard gawked at him.

"My apologies!" Lee cried, (politely) kicking him in the head. The guard keeled over.

Lee ran back to the cells and found they were indeed occupied…but not with the people he'd expected.

Three little kids were sleeping in a heap in the corner of one cell, while a girl his own age was chained securely to a wall the next cell over.

"Sakura-san?" he asked uncertainly. This would be a lot easier if he knew what any of these people looked like!

Her head snapped up and her eyes shot fire at him—almost literally. Lee patted his jumpsuit just to make sure he hadn't spontaneously ignited. "What's it to you, freak?"

"If you are she, then I, Rock Lee, am here to rescue you!" Lee announced, striking a pose.

"You look ridiculous."

Lee deflated a bit.

"But I suppose badly dressed and freaky help is better than no help at all. They cast some weird jutsu on us and none of the others can fight at all."

"So…you are Sakura-san? And these children….are your team?" Lee's forehead wrinkled with the strain of puzzling this out. Deciphering mysteries was not his best thing.

"I just said that, moron."

"If you are helpless, Gai-sensei instructed me to head straight outside for backup!" Lee shouted, proud to have come up with the appropriate course of action.

"Why don't you unchain me and I'll show you 'helpless,'" Sakura hissed.

Lee took a step back, confused again. "Uh…"

Their shouting woke up the kids, who wandered over to the bars. Lee didn't know too much about kids, but they looked about six. Perhaps they were prodigies?

"Did aniki come back?" the dark-haired one said, craning his neck as he tried to look down the corridor. "You have to run—he'll kill you too!" He began to cry. "Kaa-san! Kaa-san!"

The blond reached out and poked Lee's leg. "Can I go back to the orphanage now? I'll be good—I promise! I'll never play another prank again! I-I don't like it here! Please?"

The little silver-haired one just stared at the wall, trying for stoic but with a few stubborn tears trickling down his cheeks.

Lee was horrified.

"Yeah, they've been like that the whole time," Sakura said, shrugging. "Weepy little buggers."

"I can't just leave them here!" Lee shouted. "They're so little…"

"Whatever. I hate brats."

"How can you say that?" Lee kicked in the cell door with a resounding crash. "Come along, I will carry you!"

The blond eyed him suspiciously. "Are you really going to take me to the orphanage? Because you're not any ANBU I've ever met…"

The dark haired one didn't pause in his sobbing.

Lee turned to look at the last kid, who pointedly sat down. "We're in jail, right? I'm supposed to be here. Tou-san…it's my fault he's dead! Just like kaa-san! I deserve to be punished."

"Well, shit," Sakura said. "Those are some fucked up kids."

"Are you going to help or not?" Lee demanded. "It's my mission to rescue all of you, and that's exactly what I'm going to do!"

"If you hadn't noticed, I'm a bit chained up right now!" Sakura bellowed. "Sheesh, you bash a few heads together and suddenly people get all pissy…"

"Mission?"

Lee and Sakura both turned to the source of that cold voice.

There was an ANBU standing in the adjacent cell.

"Well, that's new," Sakura commented.

The blond ran right over. "Wolf-san?"

"Do you know him?" Lee asked, very, very confused, now.

"Sure! Wolf-san rescued me once when some people tried to take me away from the orphanage." Naruto turned to Lee with renewed suspicion. "Are you trying to take me away?"

"I just said—"

"Parameters?" Wolf demanded.

"What?"

"The mission. What is it."

"Oh, uh…the four of you have been captured by Kumo nin. I'm supposed to get you out of the building if you're…capable…"

Lee trailed off as the ANBU darted forward and neatly slit the throat of a guard he hadn't even heard approaching.

Wolf flicked the blood off the blade of his katana, which as far as Lee could tell had appeared out of thin air.

"Hey, where's the other kid?" Lee asked suddenly.

"You said there were four captured. I count four people here besides you."

"Well, yes, but…"

"Shut up. We're inside an enemy compound, which calls for stealth. And if there is another kid here somewhere, he isn't part of our mission. Let's go."

"Not without me!" Sakura insisted, jerking her chains straight out of the wall with a grunt of effort.

Lee stared. "Do you want to go out sometime?" he asked.

Sakura stomped on the chain, crushing it beneath her foot. She joined them with just the two metal rings around her wrists left of the entire ensemble. "In your dreams, Eyebrows."

Lee sighed dejectedly.

Wolf tilted his head. "Are you Tsunade-sama's student?"

"Uh, no?"

"Can you fight?"

Sakura cracked her knuckles. "Hell yes."

"Crazy woman, you take rear guard. Gai, get the kids. I'll take point. Now move out!"

Lee opened his mouth to protest, then decided against it. He scooped up the blond in one arm and the dark-haired kid in the other. "Let's go then."

Lee couldn't decide whether to be grateful or disturbed as the conveniently-appearing ANBU sliced through every enemy between them and the front door. All attempts at conversation were met with silence or a curt 'shut up.' Sakura was willing to talk, so long as he only wanted to listen to her insult him or her graphic descriptions of what she'd do if Wolf would stop hogging all the enemies.

Finally they emerged into the sunlight, where Neji was fighting off about thirty Kumo nin by himself. Gai and Tenten were attempting to reach him, but there were so many, and Neji wasn't cooperating at all.

Lee turned to his companions. "We need to help my comrades! We—what?"

Wolf was gone. The silver-haired kid—presumably Kakashi—was still missing. And they had acquired someone else.

"That is just so fucked up," Sakura commented.

The new kid, who looked about Lee and Sakura's age, peered at them from under his bright orange goggles. "Who are you guys?"

"Who are we? Who are you? Where's Kakashi?"

"That stick in the mud? Why would you want him! I'm ten times the ninja he is!" The newcomer waved his arms wildly, overbalanced, and fell on his ass in the mud. "Ow!"

Sakura burst out laughing.

Lee glanced at his team, then at the people he was attempting to rescue. "Okay great ninja—what's your name?"

"Obito!"

"Right, Obito. Do you think you can take these two and hide in the woods over there?"

"Hey, that kid looks just like my cousin, Itachi!"

"Itachi! Where!?"

"Way to freak him out, kid."

"Shut up!"

"Woods! Go!"

As the trio stumbled away, Lee turned to Sakura. "Help me rescue my team?"

She grinned. "Let's kick some ass!"

They raced over. In between his taijutsu combinations, Lee could see Sakura punching so hard the ground cracked under her fists. The enemies' fragile bones didn't stand a chance.

"Are you sure you wouldn't like to go out?" he asked when they happened to pass one another.

"Well, you don't completely suck," she allowed. "I appreciate a guy who can break someone's spine with a simple back fist. You're still weird-looking, though."

"You fight with such passion and youth!"

"What the fuck does that even mean, fighting with youth? And don't think that just because I'm a girl all I think about is dating!"

"…I'm a boy, and I'm thinking about dating."

"Hmm, true."

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Tenten!"

"Well don't I feel so special now."

"Why are we fighting all the ninja?"

"Ask Neji!"

"Lee! I see you found Sakura! Does this mean rival Kakashi is here?"

"Umm…perhaps? I'm sorry, sensei! I have failed in my mission! I will do two hundred laps around Konoha on my hands as punishment!"

"Idiot! What the hell are you babbling about? You just sent my team to hide in the forest!"

"But Kakashi is unable to protect himself?"

"…maybe? It's kind of complicated…"

"Neji! Enough! We have a mission to complete! Lives are in danger!"

Neji's eyes flashed, then he adjusted his stance deeper.

"My most youthful students and Sakura! It is time for an expeditious retreat!"

"Why does no one ever let me fight…"

"Hakkeshou Kaiten!"

"Whoa!" Lee watched in reluctant awe as Neji emitted some kind of glowing blue shield that sent all his opponents flying. The other boy walked calmly over to where Gai had herded them.

"Fine."

They all trooped over to where Lee had sent the others. The kids were sitting on the edge of a shallow pit, which Obito had apparently fallen into.

Gai eyed the solemn-looking kids. "These could be younger versions of Naruto and Sasuke, though how they came to be in this state…"

"Yeah, that's my name! Naruto! Are we going home now? "

"But who is this?" Gai continued, peering into the pit.

"Oh, his name's Obito," Sakura said. "Geez, you are hopeless, aren't you?"

"I'm not!"

"…Obito?" Gai repeated. "But that's—"

"Holy shit!" Sakura shouted.

Team Gai clustered around the pit. Now there was a little silver-haired kid sitting in the mud. He looked up at them. "I couldn't save him…"

* * *

The trip back to Konoha was a lot longer and more eventful than Team Gai had anticipated, but at least they had saved their fellow ninja—more or less.

Tenten was taking her turn carrying Sasuke. Even after three days he mostly just cried or stared blankly into space. If pressed, he would ask for his parents and try to warn the ninja about his big brother, who was apparently some kind of homicidal psychopath.

Naruto darted back and forth between his companions, laughing as he tried to catch Gai-sensei, who had agreed to play tag. He'd been very quiet and un-Naruto like for a while, but once they'd managed to convince him that they were here to rescue him and were happy he was here and alive, he really opened up. It was kind of adorable.

"Ne, Neji-san?"

Little Naruto wilted a little under Neji's cold gaze.

Tenten kicked her teammate—hard. "Be nice!" she hissed. She smiled brightly and turned to Naruto. "Just ignore him. He dislikes everyone."

"But…he dislikes me more?" Naruto blinked his wide blue eyes.

Neji hnned.

Tenten kicked him again.

He glared at her. "I dislike you exactly as much as I dislike everyone else," he said finally.

Tenten tried to kick him yet a third time, but a small body got in her way.

"Thank you, Neji-san!" little Naruto chirped, clinging to Neji's leg. "I dislike you too! You're a stuck up bastard!" And then he ran off to play again.

Neji and Tenten stared after him.

The now-familiar sounds of a tree crashing reached their ears, and the two teammates (and Sasuke riding piggyback) turned to see Lee come flying out of the forest, skidding along the ground. Sakura emerged soon after, the leaves and dust from the downed tree making her look even scarier than usual.

Tenten thought she remembered a shy, annoying little Sasuke fangirl from her occasional trips to help out with the kunoichi class at the Academy, but she must have been mistaken.

"Lee! Get back here you deranged moron! I'm going to pummel you into next year!"

"Ah, Sakura-san! It is so youthful for you to say such nice things!"

"Freak!"

"My delicate flower!"

"Ah, young love!" Gai exclaimed, running by them.

"Eww," Naruto said, scrunching his nose up. "Are they going to start kissing and stuff?"

Lee neatly cut off an enraged Sakura before she could throw Naruto like a giant shuriken—again. "Come, let us continue our most youthful spar!" Lee cried. The two disappeared into the woods again.

Neji cracked his neck and regarded his own charge, who was currently in his least troublesome form. The little kid was mostly silent, trudging along dutifully a few steps behind him. When Tenten had remarked on his stamina, Gai-sensei informed them all that Kakashi-sensei graduated from the Academy at five.

Graduated.

At _five_.

Anyway, the kid was quiet, so that was a relief. Neji had only been put in charge of Naruto once. He still maintained that cutting the chakra flow to his vocal cords was perfectly justified. Every once in a while, Kakashi would start sniffling about his father, who had obviously just died, and Neji was willing to be tolerant of that, though he dared anyone else to comment on his sympathy.

The ANBU was also quiet, but—disturbing. Very disturbing. Neji was often accused of not treating other people like human beings, but at least he wasn't _that_ bad. Fortunately he'd only appeared once since the compound, and he'd just stalked along two steps in front of Neji, making everyone else uncomfortable and insisting that Neji tell him everything he could see in the area for almost two hours.

And then there was Obito.

Neji would cheerfully have pushed him off a cliff, if he was the sort to let others get to him, which he wasn't.

Plus there was just never a cliff around when you needed one.

As if summoned by his thoughts, a faint haze surrounded the little silver-haired boy and a loud, goggle-wearing klutz appeared in his place. It was hard to believe this idiot was of the great Uchiha clan.

"Ah…Hyuuga-san," Obito said nervously, tripping and falling flat on his face.

Neji sighed.

"You really need to lighten up. Ooh! Did I ever tell you about the time sensei had to go rescue _his_ sensei from an angry mob? We were all headed to the hot springs, when one of the walls came crashing down and there was a horde of _naked_ girls chasing after Jiraiya-sama, and sensei had to use his Hiraishin technique to get him out of the way in time! And _then_ we ran into Kushina-san and I told her sensei was flashing those ladies, and boy was she mad! She chased him around the whole village!"

Neji considered this story. "Gai-sensei, do you know who Obito's sensei is?"

Gai, who had just run into view with Naruto hot on his heels, grinned. "Why, none other than the Yondaime Hokage!"

Neji was stunned. "I always thought of the Yondaime as a…dignified sort of person."

"Apparently not," Tenten said, equally stunned.

Obito missed this exchange, having launched into another tale of his training days, which also seemed to revolve around hot springs and being chased by enraged females. His extravagant gestures sent him tumbling into a puddle—the only one in sight—and splashed mud all down the front of Neji's clothes.

He closed his eyes and sighed.

Obito cringed and edged away.

"Do you know any genjutsu?" Neji asked Tenten.

She smirked. This was not the first—or the fourth—time they'd had this conversation. "I still don't know any medical jutsu or anything to dispel this if it is a genjutsu, which we've already decided it probably isn't since it's been four days now. And Gai-sensei and Lee didn't mysteriously acquire any new skills since the last time you asked either."

Neji sighed again. What would Hyuuga-sama think if he took up medical training? Maybe he could convince Tenten to do it.

"Oi! Stuck up bastard! How am I supposed to become the greatest ninja ever if I never get a chance to train! You're always ignoring me!" Obito declared loudly.

Naruto ran over, delighted his friend was back. "Obito-san! Want to play ninja with me?"

Neji stopped walking and turned to Obito, who almost fell over again when he saw that the bast—Neji-san was actually paying attention to him. "Did you want to train?" Neji asked pleasantly.

"I think not," Tenten said, stepping hastily in between them. "Neji, you can carry Sasuke for a while. C'mon guys, let's play ninja!"

Neji turned his head to look at Sasuke, who regarded him solemnly over his shoulder. "Don't cry in my hair this time," Neji told him.

Sasuke sniffled and wiped his nose on Neji's sleeve.

They couldn't get back to Konoha fast enough.

* * *

It was hard to say who was more relieved when Team Gai finally arrived in the Hokage's office, Team Gai or the Hokage.

"Thank goodness you found them. You said there were…complications?" the Hokage asked, waving a message scroll.

"Indeed," Gai said, actually looking a bit worn out. The Hokage wondered if he should have brought more than two medics.

"…would you care to explain?" the Hokage asked, as the silence stretched.

"Perhaps it would be best if I simply called everyone in. We still are not certain what unyouthful—er, perhaps that is not the best term—hardship has befallen my most esteemed rival and his students."

"Very well."

Naruto sprinted into the office and jumped up on his desk. "Old man! You'll never believe it! I got kidnapped again! But it totally wasn't my fault this time! Believe it!"

The Hokage stared. Naruto was…a child? More of a child?

Tenten walked in holding an equally young Uchiha Sasuke, who watched Naruto's antics with too-solemn eyes. The mystery only deepened as Gai, Lee and Neji wrestled a furiously squirming and cursing Sakura, who other than possible possession seemed perfectly normal.

Then Kakashi strode in in his ANBU uniform. He saluted.

"Oh, is he back?" Tenten muttered.

She spoke too soon, because before the astonished eyes of the Hokage and medic nin (and resigned eyes of everyone else) the ANBU melted into little Kakashi. The kid looked around.

"Where is Minato-sensei?"

The Hokage choked.

Gai waved his arms as if to encompass the entire disaster he'd been dealing with, almost letting Sakura loose in the process. He hastily pinned her arm again.

Fortunately, the medic nin decided to take charge of the situation.

"Definitely some kind of genjutsu," the man said, examining Sasuke more closely. "But there seems to be an unusual Henge element to it…"

"Stronger than any I've seen before," his female companion agreed, skirting Kakashi and warily approaching Sakura. "Do any of the others change like that?"

"No, just Kakashi," Gai informed her. "He actually has one more—there he goes."

Now Obito was there, eyeing his surroundings with some trepidation. "Am I in trouble? Because I totally had nothing to do with it, whatever it was."

"What kind of jutsu _is_ this?" the Hokage demanded.

"Except for Sakura-san, they each appear to be trapped in a traumatic moment in their lives, or in Kakashi-sensei's case, more than one traumatic moment, assuming the Obito form is related to a trauma surrounding the Sharingan eye, which is likely. Sakura-san merely says exactly what she thinks and is indiscriminately violent. I theorize that they are somehow manifesting an aspect of their inner personality—for example, Sasuke-san still feels the effects of the attack on his clan."

Everyone turned to stare at Neji.

"What? I wasn't _just_ contemplating pushing them off cliffs," he said. "Not that I was doing that either."

"Well, that seems as good a theory as any," the male medic nin said. "Not that it really matters, except as a point of academic interest. I assume the caster is dead?"

"Well, we weren't there for the actual fight," Tenten said, "but a lot of the Kumo nin died when we invaded their fortress."

"Kumo nin? Fortress?"

"This is boring. Can I go home now?" Obito asked.

There was an awkward silence.

"I suppose the report can wait until the genjutsu is broken," the Hokage said.

"Okay, I've got it!" the female medic exclaimed. "This is an unusually strong and long-lasting variation of a technique that we sometimes use in therapy to help patients confront their inner traumas."

"Huh…so it is," her companion agreed, peering closely at Naruto. "Well then, that's not very interesting. This is easy to break. In fact…one of you should have been able to." He glanced at Team Gai.

"Heh, I am a _taijutsu_ master, not genjutsu," Gai said, grinning.

"I can't mold chakra."

"I do weapons."

"Hyuuga."

"Nevermind," the medic said, frowning at them all. "Stand back." She and her partner went through a long sequence of seals, then intoned the standard release. There was a spectacular flash of light and then Team Seven was standing in the middle of the Hokage's office.

"Uh, hey guys," Kakashi said after a long, awkward silence. "How about…we forget this ever happened."

His team all nodded fervently in agreement.

The Hokage sighed deeply. "So long as I get a full report. And I mean it this time!"

"Heheh…"

"Oh god," Sakura said, covering her red cheeks with her hands. "Can I just go hide under a blanket now?"

"Seconded," Naruto said.

Even Sasuke was blushing.

"Fine, you're all dismissed. Don't forget about those reports!"

When the dust settled, it was just the Hokage and Gai.

"Do you think I should try to put them in therapy?" the Hokage asked, deeply troubled by what he'd seen.

Gai contemplated the last few days. "How would you make them stay?"

"You do have a point. I'll put some thought into it."


	8. Return to the Village--Chuunin Exam Time

A/N: Thanks for the appreciation, everyone! This chapter's a bit on the short side, but I hope the quality makes up for it.

* * *

"Hey, Naruto!"

Naruto stopped his headlong dash through the village long enough to see his favorite teacher sitting in his favorite place: Ichiraku's Ramen Stand. He weighed the possibility of having to talk about the mortifying mission against the possibility of free ramen.

He slid into an empty stool. "What are you doing here, sensei?"

"Well, I wanted to see how your mission went, and I figured this is where you would go."

"Haha, right! Pork ramen, please!"

"So how was your mission?" Iruka asked.

Naruto cursed; his clever plan to keep his mouth filled with ramen was thwarted by his usual practice of just talking with his mouth full.

"Well…it was an undercover mission," he hedged. "Top secret!"

Congratulating himself on his cleverness, Naruto decided another bowl of ramen was in order.

"I see. You know, I thought you would be back a little earlier."

"Oh, we were supposed to, but we were captured by Kumo nin," Naruto went on, cheerfully slurping his ramen.

"Captured…"

Naruto looked up to see that face that meant Iruka-sensei was planning to wrap him in chains and never let him out of his sight ever again. He swallowed hastily. "But it was no problem! That crazy guy in the spandex came and busted us out. I didn't even have to go to the hospital or anything!"

Iruka still looked suspicious.

"We were awesome, believe it! Though I did wonder why they sent more genin instead of a chuunin like you."

"I was needed to make preparations for the chuunin exams," Iruka replied, sounding guilty.

"Huh? What's that?"

"It's the test to see if any genin are ready to be promoted to chuunin. It's happening here in Konoha in just a week. So many preparations…"

"A week!?"

"Ye—no, Naruto. There is no way Kakashi-san will enter students who have only been out of the Academy for a few months."

Naruto pouted. "Have you no faith in your future Hokage?"

Iruka slung an arm around his shoulders. "Of course I believe in you, Naruto."

Naruto blushed but leaned into the touch. "I missed you, sensei."

* * *

It was a cheerful Naruto, full of ramen and Iruka-sensei's slightly sadistic mothering, that walked into his shared apartment that night. He froze at the scene before him.

The air was thick with awkward tension. Sasuke, clearly just getting in himself, was still holding his backpack and wearing his travel-stained clothes. And at the stove, holding a wooden spoon and on the verge of getting scalded by an overflowing pot, was Hinata.

Resolutely ignoring the mood, Naruto bounded over and removed the pot from the stove. "Hey, what's this?"

She blushed so hard he could feel the heat in the air, and Sasuke let out a long-suffering sigh and relaxed his stance slightly, ending the strange stand-off.

"So you knew she was here?" Sasuke asked.

"Nope," Naruto said cheerfully, putting the spoon in and coming out with…a can? "Well, that's not food. Ramen, anyone?"

"I don't like ramen."

Naruto mimed a mortal wound. "I won't have language like that in my house," he scolded, whacking Sasuke's knuckles with the wooden spoon.

"What are you—ah, you're such an idiot!" Since Sasuke didn't have a clue how to cook anything but rice, he resigned himself to ramen for the night. Tomorrow he was buying one of those premade meals. "And this is my house, too," he reminded Naruto.

"Oh! I—I had no idea…I knew there was someone else here, but…I'll go," Hinata babbled, turning for the door.

"Don't go! I don't know what this can is for!" Naruto wailed, glaring fiercely at Sasuke. "Besides, you shouldn't listen to that bastard. He's not the only one in charge here!"

Sasuke totally ignored him. "You're not in charge at all," he muttered, frowning at his reddened knuckles. "I would still like to know _why_ she's here."

"It doesn't matter," Naruto said immediately. "She's my friend and I say she can come and stay whenever and for however long she wants, so that's how it's going to be."

"I can go—"

"You have to at least _ask_ first," Sasuke said, ignoring her. "It's not just your place."

This had honestly not occurred to Naruto, but he blithely ignored it. If he paused every time Sasuke made a valid point, he'd never win any of their arguments. "You might show a little gratitude," he said instead, despite the fact that he'd never witnessed Sasuke being grateful for anything.

"…what?" Sasuke asked, wrong-footed. This was random even by Naruto standards.

"Who do you think I got to take care of that stupid mission for you while you were gone?"

"Mission?" Hinata asked, worried. She hadn't done any missions…did Naruto ask her for help and she failed him?

But Sasuke's face cleared of confusion, only to be replaced by what might have been concern had it been anyone else. "You mean the cat?" he looked around, as if expecting to find it dead in a corner somewhere.

"Oh, was that your kitten?" Hinata asked, startled out of her shyness by the idea that cold, aloof Sasuke owned such an adorable pet.

"No," Sasuke answered curtly, at the same time Naruto said, "yes."

The tiny animal, apparently aware it was being discussed, streaked into the room. It paused in front of Hinata, determined that she didn't have any food, then leapt up onto the table and from there onto Sasuke's head. It turned once, like a puppy, then to all appearances went to sleep there.

The three genin sat silently for a moment, then Naruto and Hinata started laughing. Naruto was bent over, banging his hand on the table and splashing the ramen everywhere, and even Hinata was beyond her usual quiet chuckle, her sides shaking and her eyes shining at the comical sight.

Sasuke rolled his eyes and ignored both them and his unexpected guest, so exactly like a cat that it set off another round of hilarity in the other two.

"If you're quite done," Sasuke said frostily, after this display had gone on for several minutes with no sign of stopping. "What were you doing with that can anyway?"

"O-oh…the c-cat food…is supposed to be warm…a-and Naruto-kun…doesn't have a microwave."

Sasuke frowned. She eeped.

"Hmm, maybe we should get a microwave," he said, envisioning days of nothing but instant ramen. He shuddered. "Tomorrow."

"Oi, bastard, get off your ass and feed your cat! Hinata's not your servant."

"Oh! I-I don't mind…"

Sasuke growled and grabbed the can.

Meanwhile, Naruto finished heating up the ramen and filled up three bowls. He thought back to his old apartment, where he only had one, chipped bowl he rescued from a trash can.

"Dinner's ready!" he announced, forcing a smile.

Hinata edged towards the door.

"What, do you think cats eat ramen?" Sasuke asked.

She froze, giving him a wide-eyed look. Naruto snickered and pushed a chair out for her. "Hey, his majesty invited you to dine. Best not to argue."

He eventually managed to cajole her into taking an empty seat and picking up her chopsticks, but she just sat there, not eating. "If you wanted to eat at home that badly you could have just said something, you don't have to stay here," he muttered, depressed over the reminder that everyone hated him.

Hinata dropped her chopsticks.

"That was rude," Sasuke said, sounding more impressed than scolding.

"Shut up, bastard."

"No, thank you for inviting me," Hinata said in a tiny voice. She retrieved her chopsticks and began tapping them against the table.

"Not to be rude, but is there some particular reason why you're here? That was an unnecessarily elaborate process for feeding the cat. I mean, you could have just thrown it a fish or something and been done with it."

"Sasuke!"

"What? I said I wasn't being rude."

"It doesn't work like that! Now apologize to Hinata!"

"No way."

"Yes."

"No!"

"Yes!"

"I, um…I had a…a f-f-fight with my f-father," Hinata said miserably, staring at the floor. "I-I just wanted to get out for a bit."

Sasuke and Naruto had a fierce conversation with just their eyes, mainly consisting of a reminder that they'd both seen each other in embarrassingly vulnerable positions recently and weren't above blackmail if the other was determined to be an idiot/an ass and no they didn't want to talk about it like a bunch of dumb _girls_.

"If—if you want to, I don't know, lay low for a bit, you could crash here for a few days," Naruto offered.

"W-w-what?" Hinata stammered.

"What!?" Sasuke snapped.

"I-I was just offering." Naruto stammered, cringing.

"You can't just invite a girl to sleep over at your house, Naruto," Sasuke said scathingly.

Hinata turned a brilliant, tomato red and swayed.

"Stop being a pervert, Sasuke! I didn't mean anything weird!"

"I-I don't—"

"Besides, this is a two-bedroom apartment," Sasuke pointed out.

Naruto immediately glared at him, but Sasuke's expression wasn't particularly hostile for once.

"Did you think about where she would sleep? Seriously, it's a wonder you can even dress yourself."

Naruto heroically ignored the slight to his character as he frowned. "I don't see—"

"The point I was making—since if I let you get there on your own, we'll be here all night—is that we only have _two_ beds, and now we have _three_ people," Sasuke informed his mandatory roommate.

"Oh, yeah…" Naruto scratched his head. "Maybe…you and I can share, then Hinata can have the other one." He flinched at the very idea.

Sasuke glared, the look somewhat ruined by the cat on his head. "Like hell."

"I can sleep on the couch," Hinata volunteered tentatively.

"No," both boys answered simultaneously.

"Naruto can sleep on the couch," Sasuke said shortly.

"What? Why do I have to sleep on the couch? Why not you?"

"She's _your_ guest."

"I'll just make a mess everywhere!"

"…not if I make you clean up. And if you think this kitchen is going to resemble that pig sty you called an apartment in any way…"

"I'm going to tell everyone that Hinata-chan totally bailed your ass out when you forgot about the cat and then you made her sleep in the hall while you had a room to yourself."

"Why is this my fault? _You're_ the one…never mind. Fine. But after this, that debt is repaid, all right?" He turned a fierce glare on Hinata, who nodded quickly. "I don't even like cats…" he muttered. His guest purred loudly in response, kneading his hair and making it stick up even more than usual. "And hey, aren't you going to _ask_ Hinata if that's even what she wants?"

Naruto turned to look at Hinata like this hadn't occurred to him—which, to be fair, it hadn't. "Er, Hinata?"

She was trembling so much it looked like she might fall apart, but she managed a tentative half-smile. "Um, if you're sure you don't mind—"

"Awesome!" Naruto interrupted. "Now come on, let's eat!"

Miraculously, the three near-strangers managed to finish their meal in relative peace and quiet.

"Wow, Hinata-chan, you even managed to save the plants from my apartment! You're amazing!"

"Not everyone's as hopeless as you, dobe."

"I'm not hopeless!"

"Of course you are, idiot."

"Bastard!"

"Moron!"

Relative for them, anyway.

* * *

The ANBU Cat and the ANBU Mouse regarded each other warily from opposite sides of the rooftop. The ANBU Bear sulked a few rooftops over at being told to 'go play, the grown-ups are talking.'

"So," Cat said.

"So," Mouse echoed.

Staring contests were always interesting among the ANBU.

She broke first. "Are you going to say anything?"

He glanced through the window at the sleeping Hyuuga heiress, then shrugged. "I'm just supposed to protect Naruto. Doesn't seem to be any danger."

Some of the tension in her shoulders eased.

"But—" Bear whined.

"Shut up," they said simultaneously.

* * *

In the end, all three of them slept in sleeping bags on the floor of the kitchen/living area. They still only had the two beds, and Sasuke refused pointblank to tolerate that much closeness, even for one night.

Hinata tried to leave twice, but once Naruto ascertained that she was worried about imposing on them, and not unhappy about essentially being strong-armed into staying he insisted. He wasn't the most perceptive of individuals, but watching her flutter around the house as she tried to explain why they didn't have to do this for her desperately made him want to find her father and punch him. Repeatedly. And Sasuke apparently knew something about her clan from when he'd been staying there that had him behaving almost civilly.

The next day, Sasuke set off on a self-imposed mission to locate some "real food" so poor Hinata didn't have to suffer through instant ramen for breakfast ever again. To his great disgust, the cat rejected all of Hinata's gentle advances and resolutely clung to his hair all morning. A few painful scratches later, he fixed a scowl on his face that just dared anyone to say anything.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Naruto asked awkwardly, after their amusement at Sasuke's predicament had tapered off and the Uchiha had stomped off.

She closed her eyes, body language closing off.

"I, uh—you don't have to, I just hate seeing you upset…" Naruto trailed off as, to his horror, she started to cry. "I'm sorry! I-I take it back!"

"Oh, Naruto-kun. You always…think of others…before yourself…"

Naruto waved his arms ineffectively, trying to think of something he could do to make the tears stop. "I'm sorry Hinata, you don't have to tell me anything…" he babbled.

She sniffled. "I-I am always such a d-disappointment. Such a failure. My father tried to teach me again, but…I just can't do anything right. I-I try, to uphold the honor of the clan, but I'm just useless. And then my sister…she is so much stronger than I am. It is she who should be heiress. S-she told me that, last night. And-and she's right! What am I except a-a burden! And now I am a burden on you and Sasuke-san!"

Naruto, whose face had grown steadily darker as she went on, dismissed her words with a sharp wave. "Don't give me that crap," he said bluntly. "My home is your home, Hinata-chan, and I'll make sure Sasuke-teme knows that, too. 'Hyuuga honor'—keh! If they can't see how amazing you are, then that's their loss."

She flushed bright red and mumbled something about cleaning up, almost tripping over her chair in her haste to escape.

Naruto stared after her, then decided to just let her be for the moment. Girls were so confusing.

* * *

"Ah, I see you finally made it," the Hokage observed, as (two of) his wayward students slunk into his office, looking very much like errant children.

"Well you know what he/she is like," they both said at the same time, then scowled at each other.

The Hokage, who had already taken a preemptive aspirin when reports reached his ears about peeping at the hot springs, wondered if he could sneak another without them noticing.

"Thank you for bringing Tsunade with you, Jiraiya. I'm afraid I didn't know quite where to reach her."

"Sure. You ask me to come back for the first time since…well, since I left, and not two hours later I just happen to run into her? I'm not a big believer in coincidence."

"Ah yes, such a coincidence that we should both be in a city noted for its decadence. I hear you fancy yourself an author these days," Tsunade sniped, her unnaturally young face framed by two pigtails. Sarutobi had been taken aback when he first saw her, but it was just an extremely well-crafted illusion, not a quest for immortality like some _other_ former students of his he could name.

"At least I work for a living. How much debt are you in again?"

"That's none of your business, you loud-mouthed old fool!"

"Well I—!"

"Just stop it, both of you. You can bicker like five year olds on your own time."

At least they had the grace to look a bit ashamed.

"About a month ago, the Uchiha boy was attacked right here in the village by a rock ninja—"

"Who in Iwa would dare show their face here?" Jiraiya interrupted.

"—claimed to be acting under the orders of Orochimaru."

A long silence fell.

"This still has nothing to do with me," Tsunade said finally.

Sarutobi sighed heavily. "It does and you know it. It is far past time we closed this chapter in all of our lives. I need both of you to keep an eye on things in the village during the upcoming chuunin exams. The ANBU were able to stop all external threats until the boy graduated, but now there have been three near misses. Whatever Orochimaru's plan are, they are escalating."

"I have other work—" Jiraiya began.

"I don't know what you think I can do," Tsunade said at the same time.

"I don't want to hear it. Another genin could have been killed in the last attack: young Naruto." Jiraiya frowned and sat back. "And Tsunade—obviously, none of us knew Orochimaru as well as we thought we did. But my sense is that he will use the chaos of the exam to camouflage a more coordinated strike than the random assassination attempts we've been hit with lately. It's far too late to cancel without looking weak in front of the other villages. I _need_ you two to do this. And after—I will issue a decree that no one from the Leaf Village is ever to contact either of you ever again unless you choose to initiate it." Tsunade's eyes widened. "One last mission for our team."

Jiraiya opened his mouth, but Sarutobi glared him into silence. They both watched Tsunade's bowed head.

"…fine. I'll help shore up the defenses and try to figure out what that bastard is planning. But I'm not fighting, and I'm not setting foot in a hospital. I don't do that kind of thing anymore."

Both men breathed a sigh of relief as she stalked out.

Once she was gone, Jiraiya crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow. "What the hell was that all about? You know perfectly well that I come in contact with Konoha ninja all the time to pass on the intelligence I've been gathering."

"If she feels like I'm trapping her here, she'll just run away."

"But…aren't you trapping her here? I mean, you do _want_ her to stay, right?"

"Of course I do! But she can't _feel_ like I'm trapping her. Tsunade's decision to return to the village—it must be one that she comes to on her own. At least this way we'll have almost a month and a half to show her that the village is still one worth returning to."

"Right…I knew that!"

Sarutobi rolled his eyes. He prayed that Naruto never met his former student.

"So…was Naruto really in danger?"

"He was. Apparently the two were at Naruto's house when the enemy ninja attacked, and he recognized Naruto's…heritage. Fortunately, Kakashi was able to kill him quickly before the situation could get any more complicated."

"Hmph." Jiraiya left, looking thoughtful for once.

Sarutobi sat with his head bent, feeling the weight of his years and position. At least with them here, there was a chance of deciphering Orochimaru's plans before he destroyed everyone and everything in the village. One could only hope.

* * *

Elsewhere in the village, Team Seven glared at their perpetually tardy teacher.

"Well, this time I had a good excuse…"

"I find that hard to believe," Sasuke said pointedly.

"You see…I know how much you're going to hate what I have to say…"

"And so you thought you'd give us some time to start getting angry, so we could really let you have it later?" Naruto demanded.

"Hmm, I suppose I didn't really think that through."

"Just tell us, already."

"It's really more of a good news/bad news kind of thing," Kakashi hedged.

"Well, what's the good news?" Sakura asked, when he didn't continue.

"The good news is that I've decided to enroll you in the chuunin exams."

"All right!"

"Hn."

"Wait…is that really good news? I thought people, you know—" Sakura's voice dropped to whisper "—_die_ during those exams."

"Sometimes!" Kakashi said cheerfully. "But I'm sure you guys won't. Think how embarrassing that would be for me!"

"Gee, thanks, sensei."

"And let's see…our team has already survived one A-rank mission, which is how they decided to classify the Kumo nin situation, and Sasuke here has survived at least two assassination attempts just in the last few months."

"Hey, I was there for one of those attempts!"

"Right, sorry, Naruto."

"Aw, everything's always about Sasuke…"

"So what's the bad news?" Sasuke interrupted, well familiar with the kind of news Kakashi sometimes had. "I'm not moving back into the Hyuuga compound, am I?"

"Um, no. However…the Hokage was very concerned about our team…psychosis, in the last mission. So, he's decided that, as a condition of participating in the exam…we all have to attend one therapy session."

"Absolutely not."

"No way!"

"Do we _have_ to?"

"Hey, no whining! I have to go too, and I'm not getting any benefit at all! I already passed the chuunin exam! And just so you know…Asuma, Kurenai and Gai are all entering their teams as well, so if you decline to participate, you might find that all your friends are chuunin while you three are left behind."

"…that's cold, sensei."

They all scowled at him, and he pretended to ward off the force of their glares.

"Well, I'm in!" Naruto announced, using Sasuke's back to sign his name on the form.

"Get off," Sasuke growled, rolling his shoulders so Naruto's pen broke straight through the paper.

"Hey!"

Growling, Sasuke propped his scroll against the bridge rail and neatly signed his name.

Sakura ignored their antics, brooding over her comparative uselessness. She started when Naruto suddenly appeared right under her nose.

"How about it, Sakura? Those other guys won't stand a chance against Team Seven! I'll be the muscle, you can be the brains, and Sasuke can be the face for the camera!"

Sasuke raised a fist threateningly and Naruto squeaked and hid behind Sakura.

She laughed and signed her own form.

Naruto whooped, high-fiving Sakura and stubbornly raising Sasuke's arm so he could do the same to him. Sasuke rolled his eyes and Naruto stuck his tongue out at him. Sakura smacked them both on the back of the head.

Naruto gasped in surprise. Sakura _never_ hit Sasuke, even when he clearly started it. He started to laugh.

"Now what's gotten into you?" Sasuke demanded.

Naruto was beyond words, just pointing at him and laughing. Kakashi smirked, a neat trick with just one eye visible.

Sasuke turned to see if Sakura could shed some light on the matter, but she was frozen in horror.

"What!?"

Sakura's temper finally won out over her embarrassment, and she punched Naruto straight off the bridge.

"So worth it," he sputtered as he swam to shore.

"I'm pleased your teamwork is coming along so nicely," Kakashi said, sounding perfectly sincere. "Now follow me, I want to get this therapy thing over with."

* * *

Even though each student was supposed to make the decision to take the exam on his or her own, Asuma pretended not to notice when Ino suddenly felt the need to practice her Mind Transfer Jutsu moments before Shikamaru abandoned almost an hour of arguing and signed his form.

It could be a coincidence, after all.

Shikamaru glared at all of them, but when Asuma presented him with a game of shogi as a peace offering the boy apparently decided it would be too troublesome to pick a fight.

Which was all kinds of promising for his future as a ninja.

Asuma settled in for a long afternoon of humiliation. Every jounin-sensei had his own unique burden to bear.

"Well, watching sensei get his ass kicked was only fun the first dozen times," Ino said brightly. "Besides, I need to pick out a cute outfit for the finals! My dad says it's a big tournament, and there should be lots of boys there!"

"…your dad said that?"

"Perhaps not in those exact words. You coming, Chouji?"

Chouji looked like he'd rather die. "Uh…"

"Great, come on! You can carry my bags!"

"I don't know…"

"I'll buy you a snack."

"Deal!"

Shikamaru sighed. "Checkmate."

"What? We haven't even set the pieces up yet!"

"I meant him."

* * *

"Now, you have until the end of the week to think about it. I don't want any of you to feel pressured to participate if you don't feel you're ready."

Everyone tried hard not to look at Hinata.

"Here are the forms. Either return them to me, signed, by the deadline, or let me know that you'd like to wait until next year. Plenty of team do. Even Gai's team decided to wait, though they're participating this year, and they are one of the most promising genin teams Konoha has seen in years. Most teams wait even longer than just a single year. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if most of the competition is five, even ten years older than you are."

"Gai-sensei's team?" Hinata repeated.

"Oh, do you know Gai? Ah, that's right…he's your cousin's sensei, right?"

"I think…I think I met him once. He really…held his team back? That didn't seem…to match with his character very well. Oh! I didn't mean any offense…"

Kurenai laughed. "No, you're exactly right. The first exam they were eligible for occurred only a week and a half after they became a team—the timing was very poor that year—and the Hokage purposefully sent them on a long-term mission outside the village."

"What about the next one?" Shino asked, curious in spite of himself. He'd also seen Gai around the village—he was kind of hard to miss—and wanted to know what could have thwarted the man twice.

"Oh, well…that year it was in Kumo, and—well, it's not really important," Kurenai finished hastily. "Anyway, his team is competing in this exam for sure. He actually brought them with him to the meeting and they signed the consent forms right then."

"Well, so am I!" Kiba declared, digging around in his pockets for a pen. "My sis says that there haven't been rookies in the exam for years! I can't wait to show them what I've got!"

Hinata wordlessly handed him a pen.

"Thanks!"

Shino's eyes darted to Hinata, then to his own form. "I'll need some time to think about it."

"Aw, Shino. You're so lame, always thinking about everything so much…" Kiba complained.

Shino's features shifted slightly into what his team recognized as his version of a disapproving frown. With Kiba around, that expression got quite a workout.

Hinata took back her pen and neatly signed her name.

Kurenai hated to undermine her, but she had to look out for Hinata's best interests. "Are you sure, Hinata? And Kiba? This exam will be very dangerous."

Kiba wasn't the most perceptive of individuals, but he could tell that this speech was really meant for Hinata, not him, and for once kept his mouth shut.

"I—I—" Hinata looked at the ground. "I'm sure," she whispered. "Because…because I want people to see what I've got as well."

Kurenai smiled and patted her shoulder. "You show 'em, Hinata."

"May I borrow your pen?" Shino asked.


	9. House of Cards

A/N: I realize that some people find that this story struggles a little between whether it wants to be crack or angst. That's not going to change, I'm afraid. I was just having way, way too much fun writing this. If you have any specific questions, please feel free to PM me. I hope you enjoy reading anyway!

* * *

"Hatake Kakashi," the therapist read.

"Yes, that's me." His one visible eye twinkled innocently.

The young man felt a chill run down his spine. He shook off the odd feeling. "Would you…like to remove your mask?"

The pleasant innocence went up a few notches in intensity.

"Er…perhaps not." The therapist forcibly pulled himself together. Technically he was only an intern, and he was determined to do well with his first solo interview. His supervisor had been so generous to trust him with this responsibility. "Let's get to know each other. My name is Atsushi. Why don't you tell me a story about yourself. Your childhood, perhaps, or a relationship you've had in the past."

"No problem. Once, I met this girl—"

Atsushi's eyes grew wider and wider as he listened to the increasingly X-rated story of Kakashi's adventures with a girl, her sister, and possibly a distant cousin as well…

Kakashi paused and reached into his back pocket, pulling out his well-worn copy of Icha Icha Paradise. He flipped to a page about three-quarters of the way through. "And then…"

"Ah! Are you just reciting pornography!?"

"You said a story from my past. In fact, this is my favorite story, past or present!" Kakashi smiled.

"Um…" Atsushi blinked, wondering if he genuinely hadn't understood. "Well…let's just move on. Why do you feel the need to wear a mask?"

"I have very severe hay fever," Kakashi intoned solemnly.

"Oh…really? I'm sorry…it's not in your file…"

"I'm sure it's not. I was born with this mask, as a precautionary measure."

"You…wait, what?"

"So it protects me completely against my hay fever."

"…okay. Well, the Hokage mentioned some specific concerns…" Atsushi shuffled through his papers. "Um…he seems concerned that you are suffering from a split personality."

"Who, me?"

* * *

"Good morning, Uchiha-sama! Do you mind if I call you Sasuke?"

"…"

"We're going to be great friends, I can tell! Here's my card…and on the back is my personal number, and my home address, if you ever need anything. Anything at all."

Sasuke glared at the woman.

"I make great cookies. Do you like sweets? Oh, are you hungry? I could order something. What do you like to eat?"

"…"

"Well, first we need to get to know each other." She whipped out a clipboard, which could barely contain the huge stack of paper attached to it. "Now, let's see…what's your astrological sign?"

He stubbornly refused to answer.

"Hmm…your file says you were born on July 23—ooh, you're a Leo! I'm an Aquarius! We're a perfect match! Okay…what's your favorite color? Mine is pink…though I'm also partial to blue." She winked.

Sasuke glanced at the clock longingly.

She droned on and on through her list, interpreting Sasuke's silence and occasional grunt as a wide variety of totally inaccurate answers.

Five minutes before their hour was up, she decided to move on to what they were actually supposed to be talking about. Sasuke almost regretted not keeping her occupied with an in-depth description of his favorite hairstyle in a girl.

"So…it says here that the Hokage became concerned about your reaction to a diagnosis jutsu. It seems that unlike your teammates, you were completely unable to function."

Sasuke dug his nails into his thighs, refusing to react.

"You remained locked in your grief, like you were stuck reliving that experience. Tell me: do you think you've been able to move on from the loss of your family?"

* * *

Naruto glared at his therapist.

The therapist glared right back.

"I don't see why they would even bother to put someone like you into therapy."

"Just shut up."

"It's a miracle that you didn't turn into a monster."

Naruto clenched his fists.

"Though I guess it wouldn't really be much of a change."

"Shut up, you asshole! I'm not a monster! I'm Uzumaki Naruto, future Hokage of this village! I love ramen and I never go back on my word! That's who I am! So you can just go to hell!"

"Speak to me with respect, _boy_."

"Like hell I will. You don't deserve any of my respect."

"The Hokage was concerned that you don't feel accepted. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Who would accept _you_, demon?"

Naruto breathed in and out, forcing himself to stay calm. "You don't have any idea what you're talking about," he said finally, voice level. "Maybe that was true once, but now…Iruka-sensei, Sasuke, Sakura, Kakashi-sensei, Hinata-chan…Bushy Brow and his team…Shikamaru, Kiba, Chouji…the old man…" His head came up and he met the "therapist's" eyes squarely. "I have lots of people who accept me, and one day, when I become Hokage…the whole village will acknowledge me. But until then…I have lots of friends. So you can just take your cold eyes and hate and shove it up your ass."

* * *

"Please just…go away! And don't come back!"

Sasuke and Naruto stared as their sensei was shoved out of a nearby room. In the silence, they heard several locks turning.

"Heheh…guess that's done then," Kakashi said, smiling innocently. "So, did you two learn anything?"

They both scowled, fists clenching at their sides.

"No," Sasuke growled.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. Naruto seemed a bit…off.

"Not from that guy, anyway," Naruto muttered. "But I suppose…I learned that I really do have a lot of friends here."

"Keh, you needed someone to point that out to you? You're so slow."

"Shut up, bastard!"

Kakashi let his concern dissipate. Whatever had been bothering Naruto before was gone now. "So…this was a complete waste of time then?"

Sakura emerged from a nearby room, smiling and shaking hands with the middle-aged woman at her side. "Thank you so much, Ayaka-san!"

"You're welcome, child. Good luck in your ninja career! I'm sure you'll do well in those exams."

"I'm sure, too. Thanks again!" Sakura practically skipped over to her teammates. "Wow, we had such a great talk about the conflict between power and femininity. I was so misguided…and it was holding me back! I should embrace my strength, because that's how I can become a better ninja _and_ a better woman! I'm so glad we had these therapy sessions!" She beamed at the three of them. "Did you guys learn a lot, too?"

* * *

The Hokage frowned as he looked over the report. "So…Kakashi's therapist has decided to pursue another career, Sasuke's therapist is picking out china patterns, and Naruto's recommended that he be executed immediately as a danger to the village. Where did you find these people again?"

"I assure you that each one of them is a highly trained specialist," Danzou assured him.

"…right. Well, at least the girl seemed to have benefited from this exercise. Thank you for your concern, but as you can see, there was no need to worry about the team. You needn't trouble yourself further on their account." Sarutobi smiled pleasantly even as he mentally cursed the man for his constant meddling. He'd have to make this up to Naruto, somehow…

"As you wish, Hokage-sama," Danzou replied, extremely insincerely. "I'll just be on my way then."

* * *

Later that night, Sasuke stumbled towards his apartment in the dark, completely worn out.

He wasn't supposed to be training this hard this close to the exam, but he _still _hadn't managed to activate his Sharingan. When Ita—That Man was his age, he'd almost been an ANBU captain.

Sasuke needed all the training he could get.

And he wasn't _stuck_, dammit! Stupid therapist, and stupid Hokage, too, thinking he was obsessed with the Massacre—where did they get off thinking such ridiculous things? He had plenty of other interests that weren't related to that event at all.

And if his ambition was to kill his brother and restore his clan—well, what of it? Sasuke had a duty, to the village and to the world, to rid it of the threat that Itachi represented. No one else could do it. And if Sasuke sometimes remembered how much he used to admire Itachi, well…it was just another weakness to overcome. He _would_ become strong enough to defeat his traitorous brother, and he wouldn't let Itachi hurt anyone ever again.

Sasuke felt the presence of another person nearby, and for once he welcomed the company, grateful for the distraction from his thoughts. He frowned as he turned a corner and saw that the person was lying flat on their face on the ground.

To his surprise, it was that guy from the Hyuuga compound, the one who turned out to be a fellow genin—Neji. He was unconscious. Sasuke checked his pulse, which was a little weak, but present, then turned the other boy over. Blood trickled down from his eyes, nose and mouth. Neji didn't so much as twitch as Sasuke manhandled him.

Now Sasuke was really concerned. Not that he would ever admit it.

If he took Neji to the hospital, he probably wouldn't be allowed to compete in the chuunin exams, which started tomorrow. He knew how _he_ would feel if someone did that to _him_. He'd lever himself up from his death bed rather than forfeit the exam. And as much as he hated the other boy's superior attitude and that he'd witnessed that embarrassing episode with the Kumo nin, Sasuke remembered all that fierce pride from the first time they'd met.

On the other hand, he couldn't just leave him here, and Sasuke didn't know a damn thing about healing.

Then he thought of all the medical scrolls lying around Hinata's room. Not that he was _looking_ or anything, but he did have to pass her room to get to his own, and she never remembered to close her door. Privacy issues, obviously. Plus, she was obviously related to Neji and might know what was wrong with him. Maybe he had a condition or something.

He felt carefully for head injuries—there was nothing—then slung the other boy over his shoulder and headed back to his apartment as quickly as he could without jostling his burden. He noted that they were only a few feet from the entrance the Hyuuga compound, but he didn't even consider taking Neji there. Adults meant hospitals, and people making scenes without helping in the least. Plus, he was never voluntarily putting himself in Hiashi's presence again.

Fortunately, it was late enough that the streets were almost deserted, and no one asked why he was carrying someone through the village. Finally he reached the door to his apartment.

"Hey Sasuke, you're late!" Naruto yelled as he pushed open the door with his foot.

"Shut up and give me a hand," Sasuke snarled.

Hearing Sasuke _asking for help_ had Naruto beside him in seconds. "What is—whoa, is that Neji?"

Naruto cleared a bunch of his crap off the couch—Sasuke's eye twitched at the mess, but didn't say anything—so Sasuke could lay the taller boy down. By then, Hinata had joined them, flitting about nervously like always.

"Neji-nii-san!" she exclaimed, distressed.

Sasuke gave her a sharp look. They were siblings?

Neji did look pretty awful. The blood had smeared across his face during the journey, making it look like he'd taken a serious beating.

"Uh…shouldn't he be in a hospital or something?" Naruto asked.

"I didn't want him to be disqualified unless it was something really serious," Sasuke muttered.

"Really serious? Sasuke, he looks like his face was bashed in! Did you two have a fight or something?"

"Of course not! I just found him like this! And don't you think I checked for a concussion? There doesn't seem to be anything physically wrong with him at all!"

Naruto scoffed and carefully felt Neji's head, his gentle hands belying his fierce expression. He did manage to knock Neji's hitai-ate askew, revealing an angry black spot glowing in the middle of his forehead. "What the hell is that?"

"Oh!" Hinata exclaimed, dropping to her knees by the couch. She gently touched the mark, which stopped glowing and resolved itself into a strange purple symbol with two lines around it. Neji's breathing grew a little more regular, though he didn't wake.

"I also thought Hinata might know what was wrong. Clearly I was right," Sasuke said, frowning. This was eerily similar to that time he evaded his guard, but he didn't remember blood or unconsciousness.

"Will he be okay, Hinata-chan?" Naruto pressed, kneeling beside her. "What happened? Is there anything we can do?"

She shook her head, lips pursed, an expression of fierceness on her face that neither boy had ever seen before. "There is…a tea I could make, but…I don't have the ingredients here!"

She and Naruto both turned to look at Sasuke, who rolled his eyes.

"Why not? Apparently hauling stuff around is all I'm good for."

Sasuke fumed at his new role as delivery boy all the way to the only 24-hour convenience store he knew—naturally it was on the other side of the village. At least it distracted him from speculating on whether the other boy was going to be okay. His team did help Team Seven get away from the Kumo nin, even if they hadn't really _needed_ the help. And Hinata thought he would be fine, and she was part of that crazy family so she would know.

Anyway, it was very annoying that he had to go fetch stuff. He had to pass his own clan's compound on the way, which thoroughly distracted him from his concerns, though not necessarily in a positive way. It had been a few days since he last went—the longest he'd ever gone without at least stopping by.

He remembered Naruto hauling him away the last time, loudly calling him an idiot for his "girly moping." When Sasuke tried to explain that he didn't want to forget about them, the annoying pest punched him and told him to stop being an idiot.

Sasuke frowned suddenly. Was there something moving in there? He crept closer. This had better not be another missing-nin attack. Or worse, vandals.

Suddenly, he felt a presence behind him. "Never let your guard down," a terrifyingly familiar voice whispered in his ear. "Little brother."

* * *

The door to Kakashi's apartment flew open and he almost decapitated his student before he realized who it was. "Naruto," he scolded, trying to rub the sleep out of his eyes. "You should never try and startle a jounin while he's sleeping."

"You're—you're not wearing a mask," Naruto stuttered, pointing.

Kakashi rolled his eyes and reached for a shirt. "That had better not be why you're here."

Naruto's face took on a more serious look than he'd ever seen on the boy's face before. "It's Sasuke! He went out to get tea an hour ago and he hasn't come back yet! The lady at the store said she never saw him!"

In a small whirlwind of activity, Kakashi was fully dressed and at the door. "Tell me everything."

There wasn't much more to tell—Sasuke had gone out and never returned.

"Why was he going for tea at this hour?" Kakashi wondered. By this time they'd reached Naruto and Sasuke's apartment, and he summoned Pakkun to follow Sasuke's trail.

"Oh, uh…no reason," Naruto said, obviously lying.

Kakashi narrowed his eyes at him. "This is serious, Naruto."

"You think I don't know that? If I thought it had anything to do with his disappearance, I'd tell you. But it really doesn't. We just wanted tea."

Kakashi frowned, then let it go. "I'll trust your judgment, Naruto—but if you're hiding something important from me, I hope you realize that Sasuke could be seriously hurt."

Instead of getting angry, Naruto nodded once, which convinced Kakashi that he was making the right decision.

"Is this where you expected Sasuke to go so far?" he asked after a few minutes.

Naruto nodded immediately. "There aren't many stores that sell food this late. There's one in the opposite direction from the apartment that might be a little closer, but this one is right next to the Uchiha Compound, so Sasuke is probably more familiar with it."

Kakashi's eyes narrowed. "If he's just brooding in there and I had to get up for nothing, I'm telling Ino that he has a crush on her."

Naruto's eyes widened comically. "That's cold, sensei."

As the trail diverted into the Uchiha compound, both hoped that was all this was.

Pakkun stopped suddenly. "There was a fight here," the summon declared, sniffing around. He led them to the fallen form of an ANBU—Bear. Kakashi cursed quietly and checked for a pulse. It was steady.

"Is Sasuke nearby?" Kakashi asked Pakkun, wondering—not for the first time—why the Uchiha compound wasn't part of the village-wide alert system.

"His scent leads that way. And boss…I'm not liking the other scent that's with him."

"What does that mean? Is Sasuke okay?" Naruto asked urgently.

Dog and master exchanged a glance. "Naruto, go wake up the Hokage."

"What!?" Naruto squawked. "I want to help!"

"Naruto! Someone has incapacitated an ANBU and your teammate is in danger. Go. Get. The Hokage."

Naruto scowled, but as Kakashi continued to glare at him the blond finally cursed and sprinted off.

Kakashi and Pakkun raced through the compound, following a clear trail of (more recent) fire damage that indicated an Uchiha recently fought here. Pyromaniacs the lot of them.

There was an ugly moment when Pakkun insisted the trail had circled back the way they came and all the fire evidence was left over from Naruto's little rescue attempt, but Kakashi smacked himself in the forehead and used his Sharingan to get around the extremely sophisticated genjutsu. Damn but he was losing his touch.

Also, now that the genjutsu was lifted, it was obvious that the compound was on fire. Again.

It had been over an hour since Sasuke disappeared, so Kakashi was surprised to hear the distinctive sounds of fighting as he cleared the wall separating the compound from the forest.

"I'm going to kill you!" Sasuke screamed. "Demon Wind Shuriken!"

"You'll have to do better than _that_."

Kakashi almost fell out of the tree. He recognized that voice…

"Uchiha Itachi."

"Ah, Kakashi-senpai. I didn't expect anyone so soon."

Kakashi wordlessly pointed to his Sharingan.

"Of course. But it is the middle of the night."

Kakashi shrugged. It was troubling enough that Itachi was able to sneak into the village at all without him just giving away information. If he didn't know about Sasuke's new living situation, he wouldn't find out about it from Kakashi.

"Sasuke, come here."

"No way! This is _my_ fight!"

The stupid fool ran at Itachi, slashing with his kunai.

Kakashi blinked as Itachi engaged the younger boy in a taijutsu fight, though predictably Sasuke never came close to landing a single blow. As he snuck closer, Kakashi tried to remember if he'd ever seen Itachi actually use taijutsu in combat. He knew that he could, of course, from training with him at ANBU HQ, but he wasn't really the sort to indulge an opponent in actual combat—he just killed them.

The surprises weren't over, because as Sasuke went flying back from a blow to the face his eyes flashed red in the light from the fire.

Sharingan.

Assuming Sasuke dawdled on his way to the store and Bear put up a truly impressive fight, Sasuke still must have been fighting for at least half an hour. What the hell? Had Itachi suddenly decided he enjoyed toying with his opponents? Or maybe someone else had attacked Sasuke and Bear and then Itachi had just coincidentally shown up?

There were better times to ponder what was going on than when one was ten feet away from Uchiha Itachi. Kakashi quickly formed a series of seals and created a wall of earth between the two brothers.

"Your opponent is me," Kakashi said, stepping forward.

"Go away, sensei!"

Itachi just stood there, his usual impassive expression in place. There was one ANBU who never needed a mask. Kakashi had once been an ANBU like that, too. Well, sort of, since in fact he _did_ wear a mask, but…

"I have no interest in fighting you, senpai."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. It had been awhile since he was last stood up. "Well—"

Itachi disappeared.

Cursing, Kakashi scanned the area with his Sharingan, trying to locate his opponent.

"Too slow."

Kakashi whipped around in time to see Itachi step behind Sasuke and efficiently break both of his arms.

Sasuke howled.

As Kakashi ran to his student's side, Itachi disappeared again, and this time he left his chakra signature unshielded so both could sense him moving away rapidly.

"Did he…run away?" Sasuke gasped. His face was set with lines of pain, but his eyes were wide with confusion.

Kakashi was feeling more than a little confused himself. "Apparently…"

"I'll get him next time," Sasuke said confidently. "I almost had him."

"Hmm," Kakashi said, choosing not to mention the extreme unlikelihood of that. And to think he'd once thought that Itachi couldn't get any stranger. Maybe he just liked tormenting Sasuke? That was as likely an explanation as any, given their history, but Sasuke wasn't even seriously hurt, and he didn't seem tormented. In fact, he looked more content than Kakashi had ever seen him, despite the pain in his arms.

"Don't get in the way next time, sensei."

Rolling his eyes, Kakashi picked the boy up as gently as he could and began carrying him back to the village, ignoring the vehement protests that there was "nothing wrong with my legs, so put me down!"

That was how Naruto, the Hokage, and half the ninja in the village found them when they reached the entrance to the Uchiha compound.

"Sasuke!"

"Kakashi!"

"…I think this place might be a total loss at this point."

"Why was Bear unconscious?"

"What's going on?"

"We can discuss it at the hospital," Kakashi said firmly, not pausing as he weaved through the mob.

There was a fierce, whispered argument in his wake over who got to come along, and by the time Sasuke was trying to glare down a tired medic only the Hokage, Naruto and Jiraiya were actually in the room, with another five ANBU in the hall and one sitting in a tree outside the window.

The medic tsked as he set the bones and poured healing chakra into Sasuke's arms. The boy insisted on being awake for the procedure, but he was so doped up it hardly made a difference.

"Say that again."

Kakashi sighed. "Like I said the first three times, when I arrived Sasuke was fighting Uchiha Itachi. And then he left."

"Fighting. Itachi. Do you mean getting killed by Itachi?"

"Obviously that's not what I meant. He's alive, isn't he?"

"I'm still stuck on the part where he just up and decided to leave for no reason."

"I totally kicked his ass," Sasuke contributed.

Jiraiya and the Hokage both looked at Kakashi skeptically.

"Well, that certainly isn't the phrase I would use, but they were definitely fighting, and had been for a while." Kakashi shrugged. "I can't explain it."

"Uh…who exactly are we talking about?" Naruto asked.

Kakashi narrowed his eyes as Jiraiya and the Hokage had a silent conversation. Now what was that all about?

"Hello?"

"Quiet, Naruto. Uchiha Itachi is a dangerous missing-nin. He killed Sasuke's entire family and tried to kill Sasuke as well."

"Oh."

The Hokage and his student finished whatever they were not talking about.

"Yeah, I got nothing," Jiraiya said with a shrug. "He's a weird kid, who knows what motivates him?"

"I totally almost beat him."

"Sure, brat."

"I suppose tomorrow is soon enough to alert your other teammate that you will not be taking the exam," the Hokage said, deciding a change of subject was in order.

Two pairs of eyes immediately focused on him, though Sasuke's didn't quite focus. Kakashi coughed into his hand.

"Not taking the exam?" Naruto sounded horrified.

"I just got my Sharingan! That's not fair!"

"Your arms are both broken," the medic said briskly, then cringed under the deadly stares he received. "Well they are…"

"There's no way you'll heal before tomorrow, even with healing jutsu," the Hokage said gently.

Sasuke and Naruto both fumed.

"Perhaps it would be best if Sasuke recuperated back at his apartment," Kakashi said mildly.

The medic looked like he was about to protest, but changed his mind when he saw Sasuke eyeing a candle speculatively. He didn't _think_ even an Uchiha prodigy could use fire style jutsu without hand seals, but in the middle of a hospital was not the place to put that theory to the test. He put both arms in casts and created a double-sling that closely resembled a straitjacket, lecturing everyone indiscriminately about the proper care for breaks and how this was against his recommendations, but did anyone ever listen to him?

Sasuke had fallen into a drugged sleep by the time he was finally done and the Hokage had long since taken Jiraiya and gone to consult the other ninja concerning the newest threat to the village.

Kakashi picked Sasuke up again and they left for Naruto and Sasuke's apartment.

Tenzou met them outside the hospital.

"What, Uchiha got attacked _again_?"

"Yep."

"Kid's got no luck at all."

"Pretty much."

Tenzou twitched slightly. "I assume you're going to want to keep an eye on him tonight?"

"Yes…is that a problem?"

"Oh…no. Just…maybe I should get some more backup. Just in case. I'll meet you there." He disappeared.

Kakashi stared. Had everyone gone insane?

Naruto fidgeted. "Is Sasuke going to be okay?"

"Oh, he's fine. Just a little drugged. His arms will be back to normal in a week or so—if he can refrain from making the injury worse by insisting on participating in the exam."

"Hm."

Kakashi gave his loudest student a long look, which was disconcerting with his mismatched eyes. "How is your mission going?" he asked finally.

"Huh?"

"The plants," Kakashi clarified.

"Oh. Well…" Truthfully, Hinata was caring for them. He just couldn't seem to remember to water them every single day, and she liked feeling useful since she wasn't paying rent or anything. But he didn't want Kakashi to know that there was a _girl_ living in his apartment, not to mention Neji… "Fine."

Kakashi gave him an arch look.

"All right, all right. I haven't been taking very good care of them, but my friends are helping me." That seemed a safe enough confession. "Oh, and I meant to thank you for getting Sasuke that cat!" He laughed. "You should see it, sensei—every time he enters the apartment, it climbs on his head! He tells everyone that it's just good training, but he's full of shit. Funniest thing ever!"

"Well, I'm glad you're both learning something."

"What do you mean, sensei?"

"The point of the 'mission,' Naruto—and I did tell you this earlier—is to teach you better teamwork. And it sounds like you've learned that very well—helping Sasuke, spending time with your friends. Even if you can't remember to water your plants."

"Oh."

Kakashi looked down at Sasuke's pale face and was quiet for several long moments. "Did you know that those permission forms for the exam are a binding contract? Once they're signed, only the person who signed it can take it back."

Naruto gaped at him.

"And you say I never teach you anything."

Slowly, Naruto began to smirk.

"But remember, Naruto—I know you're really looking forward to the Exam, but if Sasuke doesn't wake up in time, or doesn't want to fight with his injury, don't force him. That could be very dangerous for him."

Naruto nodded solemnly. "Don't worry, sensei—I wouldn't want something really bad to happen to Sasuke. Well, again. Just, you know, kinda bad stuff. Like if all his hair fell out or something."

"He does seem to get himself in trouble a lot," Kakashi mused.

"Should you really be telling me this?" Naruto asked finally. "I suppose I wouldn't want you to get in trouble, either."

"Thanks. But really, I'm not telling you anything you shouldn't already know. It's hardly a secret that you signed a contract. And let's face it, no one expects _me_ to be responsible."

"That makes sense…"

"Besides, Sasuke learned something tonight about not giving up, and I'd hate to see that go to waste. Teams almost never pass the first time they take the exam, especially rookies, but that doesn't mean there's nothing to learn from the attempt. I'll save you guys seats for the finals."

Naruto glared at him. "We won't need seats, because we'll be in the finals! Believe it!"

"We'll see. Just don't be too disappointed if you're not."

By this time they were back at the apartment, but when Kakashi moved toward the door, Naruto quickly got in his way. "More secrets?" the Jounin asked dryly.

"Uh…"

"Never mind. If it's dangerous, I'm sure I'll hear about it sooner or later."

"You know sensei, for such a lazy pervert, you're not half bad."

"Why, thank you, Naruto."

Kakashi carefully shifted his burden to Naruto, who had to carry Sasuke over one shoulder since the other boy was so much taller.

"I'm going to have a few words with your guards. Try not to let anyone with an ounce of sense see that Sasuke is injured." With that last bit of advice, Kakashi disappeared in a burst of leaves.

"Thank you!" Naruto called after him, even though he knew he couldn't hear him. At the sound of his voice, Hinata threw open the door, making a distressed sound at the déjà vu as Naruto carried his burden inside.

After some discussion, they put Sasuke in his bed and Neji in Naruto's, then the other two curled up on the living room floor with their sleeping bags, anticipating a long and sleepless night as they watched over their comrades.

* * *

Kakashi appeared on the roof of his students' apartment and found Tenzou and Mouse camped out on the roof. He raised an eyebrow.

"Hot date?"

Mouse glared at him.

"I assume you're staying the whole night?" Tenzou asked.

Kakashi gave him a 'what do you think?' look and settled in for a long watch.

"Tenzou, was it really necessary to put up a shield around the entire apartment? Now we can't sense their chakra signatures," Kakashi asked, frowning.

"Yes, but neither can the enemy. With assassins popping up left and right, we can't be too careful."

"Uh huh."

"And you dropped them off personally, and we'll be able to see if they leave or we're keeping a pretty crappy watch."

"Sure, Tenzou."

"And stop calling me that! My code name is Cat."

"One hundred ryo says I never call you that."

"Very funny, senpai."


	10. The First Exam

A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited and followed! My hit count is going up, so either people must be enjoying this or they are wasting *a lot* of time reading more than 40K words they don't care about. Enjoy!

* * *

The next morning, Naruto cajoled, begged, then physically marched Hinata out of the apartment, informing her that that there was no reason for her to miss the exams too, and if she absolutely had to do something to help, could she tell Sakura, Lee and Tenten where their teammates were?

As soon as she was gone, he shook Sasuke firmly. "Get up, you lazy ass. The whole team has to show up to the beginning of the exam or we all forfeit, and you're going if I have to carry you. You can quit after that."

"As if!" Sasuke wiggled out from under his blankets and climbed awkwardly to his feet. "Huh. This is going to make it really awkward to shower."

"If you think I'm bathing you, you've lost it."

"Gross, Naruto."

"Aren't you not supposed to get the casts wet?"

"Oh right…"

"Well, it's probably not that important anyway. We can just dry them off later and no one will know the difference."

"And how, exactly, are we going to do that?"

"…stick your arms in the oven?"

"Maybe I should do the world a favor and keep you from taking the exam."

"Hey!"

"Or you could try wrapping the casts in plastic."

"Ah, Neji, you're awake!"

"Obviously. Is that Naruto? Why are you here?" Neji cracked his eyes open, then hastily shut them again. "Wait, why am I here? Where _is_ here?"

"This is our apartment," Naruto supplied.

"You and I don't live together."

"What the dobe means is that it's my and Naruto's apartment. One of Kakashi-sensei's training ideas."

"Ah. Gai-sensei has ideas like that."

"Anyway, Sasuke found you unconscious in a ditch last night! You were bleeding all over the place and something weird was going on with your forehead! Did someone try to assassinate you?"

Neji raised a hand to his forehead, found it bare, then forced himself up on his elbows so he could feel around for his hitai-ate. "It was nothing."

"Obviously it was something."

"Could you close the curtain or something? It's really bright in here."

"Not until you—"

"Shut the curtain, Naruto."

"Fine, satisfied?"

Neji looked around a little, trying not to move his aching head. "What happened to you?"

Sasuke grunted. "It was nothing."

"Great, now there's two of you…" Naruto muttered.

"Did I hear something about a shower?" Neji asked, frowning at all the dirt caught in his hair.

"We have one, if that's what you mean, but since you can't even sit up it's not going to do you a hell of a lot of good," Sasuke informed him.

"This coming from the man who can't even turn it on."

Sasuke and Neji glared at each other.

"Well, this is fun," Naruto said, annoyed. "Sasuke is like that because his brother tried to kill him last night—"

"Hey!"

"—and I really don't know what's wrong with you, Neji, though Hinata did."

"Hinata!" Neji bolted upright, then swayed and almost tipped right off the bed. Naruto caught him and helped him lean back against the pillow. "Hinata is here?"

"Not anymore, she left for the exam about half an hour ago." This time Naruto was prepared and braced an arm against Neji's shoulder to keep him from getting up. "No way. There's still plenty of time, and if you go like that they'll throw you right out. Assuming you even make it to the door."

Neji glared at both of them. "Tell me about Hinata. Do you know where she's been staying?"

Naruto crossed his arms over his chest stubbornly. "Seems to me like you aren't in much of a sharing mood, either."

Neji rolled his eyes. "It really isn't any of your business, but Hyuuga-sama became concerned that Hinata-sama hadn't been seen around the house much lately and found that she never came home the night before last."

"She hasn't been home at all in three days. He just noticed that?" Naruto asked, owl-eyed.

"Keh. The miracle is that he noticed at all. So he sent me to find out where she was. When I failed, he was…most displeased. Are you telling me she's been here the entire time?"

Naruto shifted a little guiltily. "Well…yeah."

"Of course. That is just like the main branch, only thinking of themselves—"

"Hey! All right, him getting pissy at you was monstrously unfair, but it wasn't Hinata's fault either! She didn't know! And anyway, she told _me_ that her sister kicked her out, so why didn't _she _say something?"

Neji's expression darkened ominously. "That explains Hanabi-sama's behavior as well. She thought I knew something and wanted to make sure I didn't get her in trouble."

"I'm still not sure how that leads to you lying in a ditch somewhere."

"I have nothing else to say."

"Sasuke, you try talking to him," Naruto said, throwing his hands up in disgust. "See if you can have an entire conversation in grunts." He stormed out.

"I think I know what that was," Sasuke said. "I think I saw it happen to someone else while I was staying in the compound."

"Hnn."

"Who's Hanabi?"

"Hinata-sama's younger sister. She is seven."

"I didn't realize she could do that, too."

"Of course. Anyone in the main branch can. I am, in all things, their _humble servant_," Neji spat out, sounding bitter.

"Hnn."

"It was the double dose that got to me," Neji said eventually. "I'm no weakling. Also…you said the seal was still glowing? Hanabi-sama does not really understand how it works, and she probably made some sort of mistake in activating it. It's supposed to turn off on its own without the active application of chakra."

Sasuke thought about this. Having Hiashi purposely torturing him was bad enough, but to have a little girl _accidentally_ almost kill him was just awful. At least when his family tried to kill him, it was pretty much epic.

"So I take it from Naruto's running around that we haven't missed the exam yet?"

"Not yet. Must be getting close, though."

"Should you really participate with two broken arms? You can't do any jutsu."

"How's that standing up coming along?"

"Hey guys!" Naruto yelled, skidding into the room. He was waving a handful of brightly colored cloth. "I have a solution to all your shower problems!"

"I find that hard to believe."

"See!" Naruto displayed his find proudly. "Swim trunks!"

"No way." "Absolutely not."

Somehow, both geniuses found themselves bundled into the borrowed swim gear and standing in the shower—well, Sasuke was standing, Neji was mostly leaning on him. At least Naruto had left the door open.

"And don't take all day!" Naruto shouted from somewhere else in the house. "I'll find some breakfast!"

Neji and Sasuke looked at each other.

"You look like you've been bathing in soot," Neji said finally.

"I think there are plants growing in your hair," Sasuke shot back.

Neji sighed. "Never tell anyone about this." He reached awkwardly behind Sasuke's back to turn on the water.

"Oh, believe me: not going to be a problem." Then: "That's cold!"

Fortunately it was a large shower, and really, since they were both dressed, sort of, it was less intimate than communal bathing.

Except, of course, that they were alone in a house, and practically wrapped around each other.

Neji upended a soap dispenser over Sasuke's head and maneuvered him under the spray.

Sasuke sputtered, trying to complain without getting soap in his mouth.

"I'm not washing you, so just deal with it," he informed Sasuke.

The soot rinsed right off, to their mutual relief, then Sasuke let Neji wrap an arm around his shoulders so he could wash his hair one-handed.

It took a long time.

"Just shut up, Uchiha."

Finally, they no longer looked like accident victims—besides the obvious. But now they had a problem.

"How did we get in here in the first place?"

"Naruto, of course."

"If I step over first, you'll just fall because you can't stand up, and if you go over first, ditto you falling. And even if I wanted to, I couldn't carry you because I can't use my arms."

"I can't wait to see you running with both your arms bound to your chest. Then we'll see who's falling."

"Well we have to do something, the water's getting cold."

"Plus, this would definitely be the worst excuse for missing the chuunin exam of all time."

"NARUTO!"

There was no response.

"That idiot, how long does it take to buy food?"

"Here, at least let me turn the water off."

"Don't step on my foot!"

"Well you could be a little more cooperative."

"…did you hear something?"

Both boys turned.

Sakura was standing in the doorway, blood dripping steadily from her nose.

Sasuke groaned. "This is the worst day of my life."

"TENTEN!" Sakura screamed. "You have to come see this!"

"Tell me about it…" Neji muttered, getting the water turned off and attempting to look less like he was hugging Sasuke. "Maybe I can just crawl…"

"Wow."

"Hi, Tenten," Neji said, resigned to his fate. "Could one of you maybe give us a hand?"

The girls were more than happy to help out—they had to be shooed out again so their teammates could get dressed. Sasuke scowled as he tried to dress himself without bending his elbows, but there was no way in hell he was asking for help with _that_.

Neji frowned at the mud and bloodstains on his shirt. His shorts were so dark it wasn't really noticeable, but he couldn't go to a competition looking, well, more half-dead than he already did. He used the shirt to wring some of the water out of his hair while he looked around for something more suitable.

"Most of my clothes have the Uchiha crest on them," Sasuke supplied, seeing the problem and feeling an uncharacteristic urge to be helpful. Must be Naruto's bad influence. "But I think Naruto has some plain black shirts around here somewhere. He never wears them, so they might even be clean."

Neji weighed Naruto's shorter stature against the idea of wearing another clan's symbol. "Where does he keep his clothes?"

"I'm back!" Naruto announced, slamming the front door. "And look, I brought Lee! And donuts!"

Sakura and Tenten were sitting on the couch, staring off into space and smirking.

"What's with them?" Lee asked, frowning a little.

"You girls ready yet?" Naruto bellowed.

"The girls are right there," Lee said, pointing.

"Not who I was talking about…"

"I look like an idiot," Neji muttered, propping himself up against the wall.

The shirt really didn't fit. It looked like it had been painted on and ended a good inch above his shorts.

"Guh," Tenten said.

"Lee."

"Uh…yes, Neji?"

"I have a challenge for you. Whoever can break into my house and steal a shirt first wins."

"Alright! I will definitely beat you!" Lee ran off.

"Well, that's one problem solved," Neji said, pushing off the wall and stumbling over to the couch. "Move over, Tenten."

"Neji, are you feeling okay?"

"I'm great."

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura exclaimed, noticing the casts for the first time. Well, she was a little distracted earlier…

"Can one of you help me get these slings on?"

"Aww, look at the two of you working on your teamwork," Naruto cooed, a huge grin on his face.

Both geniuses glared at him.

"Donut?"

* * *

They barely made it before the deadline. Kakashi was leaning against the wall outside the waiting room, reading his book.

"Cutting it a little close, aren't you?" he asked mildly, taking note of Sakura's guiding arm around a scowling Sasuke and the way the Gai clone was practically carrying his teammate. This was going to be an interesting exam.

"Yeah, you know something's up when we get someplace after _you_," Naruto shot back.

"Try not to screw up," Kakashi offered by way of inspirational speech.

"Gee, thanks, sensei," Sakura muttered, pushing open the door. Sasuke stubbornly pushed away from her and entered the room under his own power. So long as he didn't try to move too quickly, his naturally excellent balance could compensate for his bound arms.

Neji had his eyes closed and was leaning heavily on Lee. At least he was here. And the migraine, weakness and muscle spasms should stop in a day or so. Hopefully the first exam wasn't anything physical.

The rest of the Rookie Nine crowded around the latecomers, everyone asking whether anything had happened and whether they were okay. Naruto discreetly gave Hinata a thumbs-up. He decided not to tell her about why Neji was so messed up last night—ever. He might not understand all of Neji's speech from last night, but he had gathered that his condition was at least partially due to Hinata's disappearance. And she blamed herself for plenty of things that were not her fault as it was without reminding her of stupid stuff her father did.

He saw Neji frowning and elbowed him none-too-gently in the side.

"That was very nice of you to help, Hinata-chan," he said loudly.

The older boy scowled fiercely, but decided to ignore Hinata instead of whatever he'd originally planned.

The atmosphere in the room was oppressive.

It had been several years since rookies last competed, and no one was too thrilled to be burdened with a bunch of annoying kids.

Tenten, Ino and Sakura clustered around Sasuke, whispering and giggling, and Sasuke tried with little success to escape their clutches.

Naruto smirked.

One of the older leaf genin separated from the pack and approached Sasuke. "Hey. My name's Kabuto," he said, offering Sasuke a friendly smile. "And I suppose you are Uchiha Sasuke?"

Sasuke looked at Kabuto the same way he looked at everyone outside his circle of friends: cold and superior, like a monarch on his throne. "Fuck off. I'm not having a good day."

"Yes, I can see that," Kabuto said dryly, eyeing the slings with some interest.

If possible, Sasuke's aura grew even more homicidal.

Naruto hastily moved to intervene—Sasuke wasn't even nice to people he did like, and he hated being approached by strangers, especially when the only reason was his clan name. And it would look bad if Sasuke beat up one of his own comrades, though that would be nothing compared to his bitching if he picked a fight and this Kabuto guy beat him, broken arms or no. And Naruto wanted to compete in this exam, dammit, not get kicked out for Sasuke's bad attitude.

But Sasuke didn't need the help. The Uchiha lifted his chin and looked down his nose at Kabuto. "Get out of my face."

The other rookies picked up on the hostile atmosphere and moved to stand beside Sasuke, forming a half-circle. "This is a private party," Naruto said loftily. "Rookies and almost-rookies only. We don't need a babysitter."

Kabuto raised an eyebrow, but backed off, giving them some space.

"Besides," Naruto announced, loud enough for the entire room to hear, "I'm definitely going to win! You're looking at Uzumaki Naruto, future Hokage. Believe it!" He threw his arm out dramatically, encompassing the oppressive and hostile stares from practically everyone in the room.

"Nice going, Naruto, now they all hate us," Shikamaru grumbled. "So troublesome."

Before the poor rookies could get mobbed, an examiner appeared in a puff of smoke. "Come along, brats, time to go."

The genin obediently filed into the exam room and found a seat. Neji breathed a sigh of relief.

Sasuke looked at the exam paper and then down at his bound arms. "Aw, hell."

Ibiki stepped up to the front of the room and began issuing instructions.

Sakura raised her hand. "Morino-san, there are only nine questions on this paper. Where's the tenth question?"

"I will tell you the tenth question after forty-five minutes. Any other questions? Please raise your—oh. Huh. What is it, Uchiha?"

"You said we only need one point to pass?"

"That's right, but if you get a question wrong, then you won't get credit, so don't get overconfident. Is that it? Okay, begin!"

Ibiki frowned as the Uchiha laid his head down and, to all appearances, went to sleep. Well, it would be tough to fill this out without any hands, and he was definitely going to have words with Kakashi after this part of the exam was over.

He frowned more deeply when he saw that Uchiha wasn't the only one sleeping. The Nara kid—well, no real surprise there—and that Hyuuga prodigy were also sleeping. He hated not being taken seriously.

The exam was meant to encourage cheating, to test information-gathering skills. There really wasn't a question whether those three, with their bloodline traits, would be able to get the information they needed. But that didn't make their lackadaisical attitudes any easier to bear.

Maybe it was time to rethink his 'Tenth Question' strategy, this was just embarrassing.

Sakura quickly began filling out her exam, casting the occasional worried glance at her teammates. Sasuke was sleeping and Naruto appeared to be in the midst of a panic attack. This did not bode well for her chances.

Tenten used wires to manipulate the mirrors over her head to copy her neighbor's answers, while Lee, already twitching with the forced inactivity, waited semi-patiently for her to finish and share the answers with him.

Hinata had no trouble using her almost 360 degree vision to acquire answers.

Shino had his bugs and Kiba had Akamaru to scope out the situation, and they were soon writing busily.

Naruto, however, didn't know what to do. He didn't know _any_ of this stuff! He frowned at Sasuke, who hadn't filled out a single answer. Obviously, Sasuke planned to answer the tenth question, whatever that was. But how could he know it wouldn't be even harder than the other questions? Absentmindedly biting his pencil in half, Naruto decided to do something he'd never done before. Sasuke was smart, and clearly he saw something that Naruto hadn't in the directions for the exam, so Naruto was just going to trust him. He'd wait for the tenth question, too. Now, what to do with the next twenty minutes?

The chuunin assigned to rows with the sleeping students devoted more time to those three than any other candidate, certain this was some elaborate form of cheating.

So of the Konoha Twelve, it was really only Ino and Chouji who were worrying about the exam. Chouji caught his teammate's eye and shrugged. None of his jutsu was remotely useful in this situation, and Shikamaru, who could usually be counted on to come up with a plan, was sleeping.

Ino fidgeted in her seat. The people in front of her, the most obvious candidates for her mind transfer jutsu, all seemed to be sweating and panicking, so that was no help at all. If she angled herself to hit the people on her right or left, the exam proctors were sure to notice and dock points, and she still had to find a way to hit Chouji so she could fill in his answers, too. And that lazy bastard Shikamaru as well, since the whole team would fail if he just slept through the whole thing and didn't answer a single question!

She watched the chuunin lookouts out of the corner of her eye, panicking when she realized that they appeared to be betting on who would eliminate the most candidates. The current leader was down to just Shikamaru.

Teams were dropping left and right; she had to do something!

The guy two rows ahead of her suddenly caught her eye. It would be tricky, slipping her spirit between the two people in the row directly in front of her, but the guy looked like he only had one question left to answer, and he was perfectly calm. Just what she needed. "Shintenshin no Jutsu!" she whispered.

She got a strange feeling as she settled into his head, almost like her spirit had a sixth sense that was twitching, but everything seemed fine. She was a little grossed out to see that one of his eyes was hovering over the paper instead of, say, in his head, but that was hardly the weirdest jutsu she'd ever encountered. She started to memorize the answer to the first problem.

Then a…presence crashed into her mental self, leaving her reeling.**  
**

She was suddenly hot, like she was standing in fire…or a sandstorm.

An eerie, evil laugh filled her mental ears.

_What is going on?_

_Welcome, little mouse. I haven't had a decent meal in ages…I wonder if spirits can still bleed?_

Ino started to panic. There was someone—or something—in here with her. That just wasn't possible! Did this guy have more than one personality? She struggled to get out, throwing her chakra at the whatever-it-was, but it was like trying to drive back the ocean with a tea cup.

The presence rushed over her, radiating malevolence and sadistic glee, and she screamed.

Temari was bored. And incredulous. But mostly bored. The questions were difficult, but not nearly as impossible as some of the sweating, swearing candidates around her were making them out to be. And these leaf ninja—she'd been concerned about the famed strength of this village, but obviously her concern was misplaced! There was some guy with a ridiculous ponytail sleeping just behind her, a cute one sleeping two rows up and to her left, then…she wasn't sure if that was a boy or a girl, but he or she was also sleeping. Hell, even Gaara was sleeping!

…wait.

Her eyes snapped back to her little brother.

Gaara was asleep.

Holy. Shit.

She leapt to her feet, jumping over the row in front of her and tackling Gaara to the floor. Sand flew everywhere and his eyes snapped open. In the background, she heard a girl scream, then the babble of curious voices.

"I am going to kill you."

It was a sad day when that actually made her feel a tiny bit relieved.

But only a tiny bit. She scrambled away hastily, hoping that he would remember they weren't in Suna right now and people would object to him slaughtering her in public.

Fortunately, he apparently realized that he had just been asleep and was distracted by…whatever distracted him at those times. She didn't want to think about it.

"What is going on?" Ibiki demanded, striding over. "And where did all this sand come from?"

"What sand?"

Ibiki blinked. The sand was gone.

He glared at everyone in the vicinity. "Stop fooling around!" he barked.

Temari and Gaara returned to their seats.

Kankuro gave his sister a 'what are you an idiot?' look. She glared at him and mimed sleeping, then jerked her chin at Gaara. He paled beneath his makeup.

Ino sat in her chair and shook. That was the weirdest possession she'd ever attempted. While she was wrestling with the Other, yet another presence had appeared and catapulted her out of his mind more effectively than even her father could. Well, she wasn't going to be trying _that_ jutsu for a while.

Chouji eyed her with concern, but couldn't exactly go talk to her in the middle of an exam.

Ibiki checked the clock, then grinned. Just enough time for him to screw with their heads.

"Alright, the tenth question..."

"The Tenth Question!?" Naruto yelled, loud enough to be heard in Wave Country. The three sleeping genin stirred and lifted their heads.

Ibiki frowned deeply. People never fell asleep on him when he was interrogating them. Or, at least, not for very long. "But there's one more rule that needs to be added," he continued, deciding to just get on with the torture he actually was allowed to use in the exam. "And the rule is: you decide whether or not you want to answer this question." Ha, _now_ they were all paying attention!

Wait, that weird sand kid with the eyeliner wasn't paying attention. He appeared to be quietly freaking out. Well, at least he wasn't asleep.

"If you reject the question, you lose all of your points, and you will fail this exam, your teammates alongside you," Ibiki continued, gaze pitiless.

"So, just accept the damn question," Sasuke muttered.

Ibiki smirked. "But on the other hand, if you accept this question, and fail to answer it correctly, you will be stuck as a genin for the rest of your life."

"You can't be serious!" Kiba shouted, Akamaru adding to the noise with his barking. "There are ninja here that have gone through this exam before!"

"It is just your rotten luck that you got me as proctor," Ibiki said, smirking. "Sit down and shut up. You can always accept a failing grade and try again next year. Anyone with common sense would back out."

There was a long, painful silence. The genin exchanged glances.

"Well, let's get to it. If you reject the question, raise your hand. After your number and your team is confirmed, you will be allowed to leave."

One shaking hand went into the air. "I...I..." the leaf genin—a plant—stood "I reject it!"

"Very sensible. Now get out. Your team, too."

"And me!"

"Me too!"

Ibiki grinned as, like a wave, more and more teams suddenly doubted themselves and wimped out. Interestingly, none of those cowards were the lazy punks who'd slept through the first part of _his_ exam.

"What about you, Uchiha?" Ibiki taunted. "You can just say 'I quit' if you'd like. I realize raising your hand would be a bit of a challenge for you just now."

Sasuke scowled. "Like I would ever quit for such a stupid reason. So what if I'm a genin forever—you think that has anything to do with skill? I can still train. And I need to answer this question to get my point, so whatever it is, I'll figure it out. So you can stop bugging me."

"Yeah, let's just get to the question already!" Naruto shouted. "I never back down! That's my ninja way!"

"Hmph, is that so…" Ibiki said. "Anyone else?" No one raised their hands."Very well… the tenth question."

All the genin leaned forward.

Finally, Ibiki allowed a (slightly less sadistic) grin to appear on his face. It was probably against some sort of law to let Anko have control over this many corruptible children, but... "Good call. You all pass!"

* * *

As he collected the exam papers, Ibiki dreaded the reactions of his fellow ninja. Six blank exams. Less than half the teams eliminated. Maybe he really was losing his touch.


	11. The Forest of Death

A/N: It was suggested that I put in a specific warning for the death of an animal in this chapter and some grossness relating to that. Also, thank you for all the reviews and love, you are all awesome!

Neji leaned against a tree, resolutely ignoring the crazy jounin who was apparently their next proctor. At least he hoped so, since she'd been running around and herding the genin since she crashed through the window after their first exam, but he stopped listening as soon as she unveiled that ridiculous banner.

And if there was one skill he'd developed since graduation, it was how to ignore an excessively enthusiastic jounin.

He listlessly signed the piece of paper Tenten put in front of him, ignoring her concerned look. Even Lee seemed concerned, keeping his voice down to almost tolerable levels as he ranted about youth and their inevitable success. Then again, even Lee would have noticed that he practically had to carry his teammate to the exam.

Neji frowned deeply as he flexed his arm. He could work through the migraine if he absolutely had to, but the muscle weakness was going to be a problem. He was in no condition for a survival test right now. After a few hours' sleep, maybe, but not now.

Being the deadweight was not a position Hyuuga Neji was accustomed to.

But who was he to fight against fate? He'd muddled his way through the written with the poorest performance of his entire shinobi career, but this was it. One only needed a team to _enter_ the exam, not complete it.

"…and the other condition of failure is if your whole team doesn't make it the Tower within the five days."

Right. Of course.

Neji still hadn't decided if Hyuuga-sama meant for him to be unable to compete in the exams or not, but either way he was going to be furious when Neji shamed the entire clan by forfeiting halfway through.

"What!?" the maybe-proctor squawked. "You can't forfeit! If this were a mission, could you just quit and go home? No!"

Once he was sure someone else had asked that and she wasn't somehow responding to his thoughts, Neji smacked his head against the fence, adding a delightful counterpoint to his migraine.

He was going to die, and Lee was going to witness it. How humiliating.

"Come on, brats, let's go!"

* * *

"Yo."

Anko looked up from stuffing herself with dango and laughing sadistically at the sorry fates of the little brats in the forest. "Oh, hey, Kakashi."

She grinned, which usually boded ill for anyone in her immediate vicinity. He edged discreetly away.

"Change of plans. The Hokage wants to see you."

She looked rebellious, which _always_ boded ill for anyone in the same _country_. He identified his exits. "Aww, but they're just so helpless!" she whined, gesturing to all the monitors.

"Apparently he wants you in on that strategy team he's got going with his former students. You know, the whole Orochimaru situation," Kakashi said, daring to steal a stick of dango while she was distracted.

Anko grimaced, but she still felt responsible when her former sensei did something to hurt the Leaf Village. "…fine. But I want to hear everything that happened when I get back!" She leapt out a window.

Kakashi turned to look at all the monitors. The cameras were installed before every chuunin exam held in Konoha, and by the end they were always destroyed. But for right now, they were an invaluable tool.

Tenzou strode in, cursing colorfully.

"Definitely Orochimaru's work, then?" Kakashi asked.

"Oh yeah. The Hokage himself confirmed it. The face-ripping thing is apparently a signature jutsu."

"And we've confirmed that those three actually entered the Forest of Death?"

"Yep."

"And they definitely died before the exam began."

"Yep."

"And the signature jutsu…?"

"An impenetrable disguise."

Kakashi sighed heavily. "You're killing me Tenzou."

"Sorry, senpai. So…did you tell Anko how bad it is?"

"Hell no."

* * *

"Get that stick outta your ass and just take a break!"

"I can keep going, loser!"

"Teme, you can hardly keep your balance running on the ground!"

"Good thing Kakashi-sensei taught us to climb trees without our hands then!"

"You moron! You can't jump like that!"

"Of course I can!"

"Can't!"

"Can!"

"This is for your own good, Sasuke!"

"What are you—don't push me!"

"Watch out for that centipede! Uh, never mind…"

"So many legs…"

"Eww, it's everywhere…"

Sakura rolled her eyes and put the finishing touches on the traps surrounding her chosen shelter. Why did boys have to make everything so complicated?

* * *

Team Eight almost tripped over a scroll only a few minutes into the exam.

"Oh! This is the one we need!" Hinata exclaimed, handing it to Shino for safe-keeping.

They both ignored Kiba's insistence that he was the better candidate for carrying the scrolls, and soon the three were once again racing through the trees, heading for the Tower.

"Wait, Akamaru smells something."

The paused on a branch, and Hinata activated her Byakugan. "Yes, there are six ninja up ahead."

"Let's check it out. The more scrolls we get, the fewer teams make it to the finals!"

"I don't know, Kiba…"

Both boys started when Hinata swayed alarmingly on the branch.

"You okay, Hinata?"

"O-oh, yes, f-f-fine. P-please don't worry; I d-didn't sleep a lot last night."

"We're heading straight for the Tower, Kiba. Lead us around the hostiles."

"…fine. For Hinata, not because you said so. I'm leader here!"

"Just go."

"T-thank you, Kiba-kun, Shino-kun."

* * *

The third time Neji walked into a tree, Lee frog-marched him into a hollow between two enormous roots and Tenten neatly swept his legs out from under him.

The Hyuuga prodigy glared at his teammates, a particularly effective expression given his white, pupil-less eyes.

Unfortunately for him, they were long since immune.

Whatever had happened to him yesterday, he still wasn't talking about it, and seeing as Neji could make even the most minor thing incredibly awkward, they were inclined to let it go until they weren't in an exam relying on their teamwork.

They both smiled innocently—and blindingly, in Lee's case—back at him.

"So, who has food?" Tenten asked.

"I have ration bars! Strawberry and caramel crème!"

"That's gross, Lee, how can you eat those things?"

"Gai-sensei says that they have all the essential nutrients a growing ninja needs!"

"Yeah, but they taste like—I don't even know what they taste like. They are the things that come to mind when you say 'this is so bad it tastes like this other epically bad thing.'"

"That is so wise, Tenten!"

"Uh…"

"But we must still listen to what Gai-sensei says!"

"Sure, Lee—is he actually asleep?"

"It appears so!"

"Stop poking him, Lee."

"I was concerned that he had stopped breathing."

"How would poking his shoulder help? Wait, never mind. Why don't you…go scout out the perimeter, or something. Quietly."

"Yosh! I will! And if I cannot do it quietly, I will do one hundred somersaults off that branch!"

Tenten listened to the crashing through the underbrush with a long-suffering sigh. Then, once the sounds faded, she maneuvered Neji so his head was resting in her lap. It would be criminal not to take advantage of this opportunity.

* * *

"Ugh, that guy…" Ino shuddered dramatically.

Her two teammates eyed her with concern. She was pale and shaky, and her description of the effect her jutsu had on that sand shinobi was downright disturbing.

"Maybe we should rest," Shikamaru said finally.

"You're so lazy…" Ino complained, her voice trailing off as she zoned out. "We have to…find the…things."

Chouji frowned. "Shika, you should find someplace we can lie low for a day. We've still got plenty of time."

"Yeah, I think you're right." Shikamaru leapt into the trees as he scouted out a suitable location. "Besides, all for a good cause, right? She never lets me take naps on missions…"

Chouji rolled his eyes and picked Ino up, even more worried when she just curled up against his shoulder and, apparently, went to sleep. He tried not to jostle her as he ran after Shikamaru.

* * *

Elsewhere in the forest, two disguised grass ninja discreetly edged away from their irate leader.

"Where is everyone!?"

* * *

"Sand burial!"

Temari frowned at the bloodstains on her outfit, but knew better than to say anything. The whole business with the umbrella meant Gaara was in a playful mood, which was often worse than his homicidal moods, assuming that was even possible.

"More…blood…" he muttered, looking around for a new target.

He had been even more unstable than usual after whatever-it-was during the written when he decided to _take a nap_. Her heart was still racing.

Then she realized that the only targets in the immediate vicinity were herself and Kankuro. Her poor heart skipped a beat.

"Hey, they had the earth scroll we needed! Now we can get to the tower and get this lame exam over with!" Kankuro announced cheerfully, completely oblivious to Gaara's mood. Moron.

Gaara's gaze locked on his brother. "I'm not done yet."

Temari backed towards the treeline—not that she could actually outrun Gaara's sand, but sometimes if a person left his immediate line of sight he forgot he meant to kill them. She tried to silently signal Kankuro to do the same. But what did he do?

Kankuro scowled and grabbed the front of Gaara's shirt, lifting the smaller boy off the ground. "Look. I know this exam is nothing to you, but it's dangerous for Temari and me. So for once in your life, just listen to your big brother!"

Temari took five big steps back. Now was so not the time.

"You're in my way," Gaara said flatly. "I'll kill you." He extended his hand for his signature Sand Coffin.

"Please, Gaara," Temari pleaded, holding her hands out placatingly. "Kankuro's just an idiot. He didn't mean it. Please, as a favor for your big sister…let's just go."

There was a long, excruciating silence. Then sand started swirling around Gaara's hand.

Kankuro closed his eyes, sweating heavily enough to streak his makeup.

"…fine," Gaara said, the cork materializing in his hand. He broke Kankuro's suddenly slack grip easily and disappeared in a swirl of sand, reappearing some yards away.

Both Kankuro and Temari let out long, relieved breaths.

"I can't believe you did that," Temari informed him, smacking him on the back of the head.

"He started it," Kankuro whined. "This is why I didn't want to spend five days alone with him in the forest."

"Next time I'm not helping you."

There was a rustle in the bushes, and a predator's eyes peered out at them.

The siblings exchanged a glance. Arm-wrestle a massive tiger, or accompany their brother and teammate.

Somewhere just ahead, Gaara began wailing in that particular, high-pitched tone that meant Shukaku's voice was louder than usual. They could just make out the words 'mother' and 'blood.'

Wordlessly, the two siblings turned to face the tiger. They had the scrolls, and Gaara was never too difficult to find. Just follow the blood.

* * *

Tenzou propped his feet up on one of the monitors. "So…what exactly are we looking for?"

"Well, ideally we'll spot the grass ninja team and call for backup to go in and take them out."

"Uh huh."

"But more realistically we're looking for signs of Orochimaru's jutsu and the two of us will run in and try to rescue whatever poor son of a bitch crossed his path before he kills them and us."

"Fan-fucking-tastic."

"The Hokage and the two saner Sannin are patrolling around the Forest, but they really can't go in without disrupting the exam, and the chances of them just happening to trip across their teammate are pretty slim."

"Well, our chances aren't too good either."

"Whether we find him or not."

"Truth. Is there some reason we're not just canceling the exam?"

"Same reason we didn't cancel from the start. Konoha cannot afford to look weak right now, especially with S-class missing nin loose in the village. We'll just have to discreetly get a handle on the situation—somehow. Hopefully, Orochimaru isn't in the mood for indiscriminately slaughtering genin for no reason."

Tenzou snorted. "Because that would be so unlike him," he drawled.

Kakashi gave him a sharp look. "Can you handle this?"

Tenzou just waved a hand dismissively. "Sure, no problem. I hardly remember the guy."

They sat in silence for a few minutes.

"Say…what do his jutsu look like, anyway?"

Kakashi rummaged through the papers scattered around him. "Hold on, the Hokage gave me a report, let me just find it…huh."

"What?"

"It says: penchant for snake summons and jutsu that require human sacrifices."

"Lovely."

"Also, apparently he uses body-switching type jutsu frequently. He might not still look like that grass ninja."

"This just gets better and better. Shouldn't someone just follow the Uchiha brat around? I seem to recall that he was just attacked last night."

"Yes, but that was his brother."

Tenzou stared. "Are you telling me that Uchiha fucking Itachi is running around somewhere? What the fuck! Why didn't I know about this!?"

"You should have known about that—did you skip the meeting last night?"

"You mean while you and I were on guard duty all night?"

"Oh—that was an accident then. I thought I told you."

"I hate you so much right now."

"Someone did suggest that Itachi and Orochimaru might be working together, but we decided that wasn't the case because it's just too horrible to contemplate."

Tenzou shuddered.

"Hey, what's that?"

They both studied the leftmost monitor. The view was completely obscured by some kind of dust storm. "Oh, that. That's happened once already. I think it's some kind of natural disaster, maybe a localized tornado or something? One team already got caught in it—not one of ours, though."

Kakashi frowned. "I've never heard of there being unusual weather patterns in the forest."

"Yes, well, maybe all the hostile auras and high chakra levels are having an effect on the environment. We've never had this many candidates make it to the second exam before."

"Hmm, maybe."

"In any case, it's not a snake or a corpse, so it doesn't matter. We're going to get in enough trouble as it is if we get caught interfering in the exam without borrowing trouble."

* * *

The next day dawned, and Sasuke ditched the slings at their campsite over Sakura's vehement protests. Yeah, it wouldn't do his healing bones any good, but it would be worse if he encountered an enemy and died of embarrassment as they laughed their ass off at him. It was a clean break and had been well-tended—he shouldn't try any taijutsu, but he should be able to form hand seals.

"Let's go."

"It's going to take forever to track down another team," Naruto whined. "They're probably all at the Tower already!"

"Not quite," a voice said from behind them.

The three genin whirled around, gawking at the lone woman who'd snuck up on them.

"Ah, Sasuke-kun, I've been looking everywhere for you! I knew splitting up was the right choice."

"Who are you?" Sasuke growled. "How do you know my name?"

"I? I am Orochimaru! And as for how I know your name—well, I know everything about you! I've been waiting for you to grow up for years."

"That…is very creepy."

Sakura took a step forward, expression fierce. "Stay away from Sasuke!"

Naruto hurried to put her behind him; no way was he getting shown up by a _girl_. "Yeah!"

The woman smiled pleasantly at Sakura and Naruto, who shuddered. "Now, now, children, Sasuke is the only one I want. Run off and play now."

Orochimaru bit her thumb and summoned a snake as big as the Hokage Tower.

"Holy shit!" Naruto yelled, sprinting off with the snake in hot pursuit.

Sakura shrieked.

The air was suddenly saturated with killing intent, and Sakura and Sasuke both cringed under the mental pressure.

Sasuke's fingers twitched. Obviously she thought she was pretty impressive, and okay the summoning thing was a heck of a jutsu, but Sasuke had held his own against _Itachi_ and if this Orochimaru freak thought he was backing down then she was about to be disabused of that notion. Violently.

Sasuke scowled at his injured arms. The first time he blocked the bone would shatter and he'd be completely helpless. So he would need a plan.

Step one: kick Sakura.

"Ow!" she protested, extracting herself from the bush she'd face-planted into. "What the hell was that for?"

"Stop sitting around and fight."

Step two: find the dobe.

"Sasuke, did you see where that snake went?"

Scratch that. Step two: defeat the enemy, step three: rescue the dobe.

"That tree guy would be awfully useful right about now," Sasuke muttered, eyeing the massive trees around him.

A sing-song voice came from just out of sight. "Oh, Sasuke-kun, what are you doing over there? I wish to test your usefulness!"

Sasuke grit his teeth. "Stop calling me that!" He activated his Sharingan and quickly formed the seals for his fireball jutsu.

* * *

Kakashi gleefully pulled in another stack of chips. Cheating at poker was yet another skill that never made it into the literature about the Sharingan.

"I give up," Tenzou groaned. "Please, senpai, have mercy."

"Now, Tenzou, a ninja never abandons his mission. Or his comrades."

"I don't have anything left to bet…"

Kakashi rolled his eyes at the whining and glanced at the monitors. Trees, trees, flesh-eating leeches, trees, hmm, that was an interesting jutsu…

Tenzou choked on his coffee when Kakashi abruptly leapt to his feet. "What?"

Kakashi was already halfway out the door. "A huge snake just ate Naruto."

* * *

Neji had finally convinced his team that, if they absolutely insisted on him resting for another day, the least they could do was go hunt down a scroll. There was nothing wrong with his chakra, and if by some chance someone stumbled over his hiding place he only needed to land one hit.

It was still embarrassing as hell that he was stuck sitting on his ass and letting them do all the work, so if someone did chance across his hiding place, it would be a balm to his wounded ego if he was the one to actually get a scroll.

As if in answer to his thoughts, he heard a rustling in the bushes.

He checked that his chakra signature was completely shielded and his body was completely hidden by a convenient tree branch, then activated his Byakugan.

He couldn't actually see in color this way, so it was a bit hard to recognize people by their features, but he didn't think the lone ninja walking by was from Konoha. He would have remembered _that_ chakra signature. Unfortunately, he also didn't appear to be carrying a scroll.

He watched in some confusion as the ninja stopped in the clearing just in front of him and used some jutsu he didn't recognize. The stranger couldn't have detected him. There was no way.

His confusion only grew as the jutsu took effect—a furiously struggling rabbit slid into the clearing as if magnetized. The ninja walked over and picked it up.

Then the sounds started.

Finally, Neji just had to see it with his normal vision. He peered over the top of the tree root.

The redhead didn't look up. Instead, he leaned over and _bit_ the rabbit, ripping off a piece and _eating_ it, fur and all.

What. The. Fuck.

* * *

Sasuke knelt, panting heavily.

Orochimaru laughed.

"What do you want with Sasuke?" Sakura demanded.

"To learn every jutsu in the world. Oh, and live forever, but really that's just a means to an end."

"So what does that have to do with Sasuke?"

"You still don't get it? I don't need Sasuke himself, I just want his body!"

"You're a freak," Sasuke informed him flatly.

Orochimaru just looked amused. "Such a strong vessel…yes, you will do nicely."

Sakura's eye twitched. Inner Sakura howled at the idea of this pervert anywhere near Sasuke. "Oh, we'll just see about _that_." For once, Sakura consciously let go, channeling that same spirit from when she was flirting—fighting—with Lee.

Racing down a branch, she launched herself at Orochimaru, fist leaving a massive dent in the trunk where his face had been moments before.

Unexpectedly, he seemed much more intimidated by this move than any of Sasuke's ninjutsu displays, even though those were really more impressive. Huh.

"Do you know Tsunade?"

"The Legendary Sannin? Hey, I think someone else asked me that, too…"

Orochimaru dodged another fireball—right into Sakura's kick. He impacted forcefully with a nearby tree.

"Did we get him?" Sakura asked, panting.

The snake slithered back into view and an ominous chuckling could be heard echoing through the clearing.

"I think not," Sasuke said grimly, pulling out several kunai with a pained grimace.

* * *

Neji blinked, unable to tear his gaze away from the other ninja, who sported a sand hitai-ate.

Slowly, malevolent teal eyes rose to meet his. The guy was either seriously into eyeliner or the world's biggest insomniac, but more importantly he was emitting enough killing intent that Neji could really empathize with the rabbit.

Blood dripped steadily down the kid's chin.

Ugh.

Not quite sure what else to do, Neji reached down and retrieved one of Lee's ration bars. It's not like _he_ was going to eat one. "Uh…if you're really that hungry…" he began, waving it vaguely.

"Shut up or I'll kill you," the ninja growled, voice much deeper than Neji expected from such a scrawny little thing.

Neji frowned. He didn't go around picking unnecessary fights, but he still had some pride. "Hey, I was just offering you some food, you don't have to—"

Before he could finish, three fellow Konoha ninja leapt into the clearing.

"What the _hell_?"

"Quiet, that's Gaara!"

Neji watched with interest as the two dark-haired newcomers paled dramatically and tried to edge out of the clearing. They were ninja; eating something raw wasn't _that_ weird.

Though it was pretty weird.

"Cowards," the white-haired one said, sunlight glinting off his glasses.

Neji tried to remember if he'd ever seen this guy before. Wait—didn't he harass Sasuke before the written? Kabuto, right?

Probably-Kabuto turned to look at Neji, smirking. Neji began to feel like he'd been safer with the crazy kid. He stood and dusted off his knees, grateful that he'd had almost a full day's rest.

"Neither of us have any scrolls," he said coolly, deciding to include the kid on a whim. He was really too small to be in this exam anyway. And where was his team? "You're wasting your time here."

Kabuto's smirk didn't lessen.

"You're in my way."

All four older ninja turned to the kid.

"What was that, Gaara-san?" Kabuto asked pleasantly.

Neji's eyes narrowed further. It didn't take a Byakugan to see that this guy was way too cheerful for it to be genuine. And suspiciously familiar with a much younger genin from another village. He was distracted from further speculation by the massive amount of killing intent coming from Gaara.

"Move, or I'll kill you."

One of Kabuto's companions squeaked like a girl. "You can't! The plan!"

Kabuto shot a senbon at him without looking and the guy dropped to his knees, cursing, as he tried to claw it out.

"Plan?" Neji echoed.

"Well, we can't have the little genin running off and telling tales, now can we?" Kabuto asked, still in that eerily friendly tone. "Orochimaru-sama would be most displeased with me."

Neji wasn't sure what was going on, but he stepped out into the clearing and took a defensive stance. "What plans could you have with another village during the chuunin exam? It would be more logical for you to treat the other teams as enemy combatants. And why are you so familiar with a sand genin, anyway?"

"Nice, Yoroi, real nice," the ninja without a senbon in his shoulder sneered.

Neji frowned at him, a distraction that almost cost him his life.

* * *

The three combatants froze as the snake began to bulge oddly. Sakura edged away.

Then it exploded.

"Eww!" she shrieked as all three of them were drenched in snake guts.

At least a hundred Narutos clambered out of the dead snake, squelching obscenely and looking extremely pissed off.

Even Orochimaru seemed a little impressed.

The clones dispelled and the real Naruto raced up the tree to join the action. Sasuke was a bit disconcerted to see that Naruto's eyes were almost as red as his own, and the strange lines on his cheeks were even more pronounced than usual. Did Naruto also have a kekkei genkai?

"Could it be…the Nine-Tailed Fox?" Orochimaru asked, a weird gleam in her eye.

"The what?"

"Shut up, freak!" Naruto growled, launching himself at the snake summoner. Sasuke blinked—when had Naruto gotten that fast?

"It is really too bad that the Kyuubi makes you an inappropriate vessel…" Orochimaru said speculatively, casually batting Naruto into a tree.

"Hey! I thought I was the valuable vessel!"

"Sasuke, I think this might be taking your need to be best at everything a little too far!" Naruto shouted, trying to dig himself out of the trunk he was embedded in.

"Would you two cut it out!" Sakura shouted, ripping off a tree limb and chucking it at Orochimaru.

He dodged easily, of course, and summoned a dozen smaller snakes. Cursing, she pulled out a few kunai. Projectile weapons had never been her best skill. And while these snakes were a much more reasonable size, their markings strongly suggested they were poisonous.

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto raced toward her, only to be intercepted by Orochimaru.

"Now, now, none of that," Orochimaru scolded, one glowing hand striking his stomach with precision.

Naruto howled as his chakra went haywire and he fainted, tipping straight off the branch.

Sakura cringed as the snakes surrounded her. Seven targets. She didn't even have seven kunai.

Twenty feet over her head, Sasuke leapt off a branch, eight kunai between his fingers.

He closed his eyes as he fell, head first, remembering…

He threw.

Sakura watched in amazement as six kunai hit their targets with deadly precision, then two more collided in midair, knocking one into a snake partially hidden by a tree trunk and the other dropping harmlessly at her feet. Seconds later, Sasuke landed in a crouch inches from her face.

She winced as his left arm, thrown out for support, cracked audibly.

"Shit."

"Sasuke-kun…that was amazing!"

He scowled. "It wasn't that amazing. Just a lame technique I picked up somewhere."

She raised an eyebrow, but decided not to press. This was one of his 'I'm two words away from storming off and not speaking to anyone for the rest of the week' scowls. She had a list identifying all of his expressions.

With the unknown variable that was Naruto successfully neutralized, Orochimaru apparently remembered that he was one of the Legendary Sannin and more than a match for three genin, no matter how prodigious they were. He swiftly immobilized Sakura and the still-unconscious Naruto against nearby trees with his snakes.

Sasuke pushed himself to his feet, more than ready to take his bad mood out on someone else. "I may only have one arm, but you're using both of yours to restrain my teammates, so I still have the advantage."

Never mind that Sasuke didn't actually know any one-handed jutsu and had so far been completely unsuccessful in damaging the grass nin in any meaningful way. And that "advantage" really couldn't be applied to a fight with one of the freaking Sannin by a genin.

Orochimaru chuckled darkly, totally unintimidated. "I'm not quite out of tricks yet, boy. So feisty…I look forward to breaking you."

The two conscious genin's eyes widened in horror as Orochimaru's face sort of melted off, revealing a marginally more masculine one, and then she—he?—did something extremely freaky with his neck, extending his head more than thirty feet with teeth bared.

Sasuke tensed to jump, and Sakura screamed as her bonds tightened in warning. Slowly, he relaxed, choosing instead to raise his good arm, bracing for impact.

And then his vision was filled with a swirling black cape dotted with red clouds.

"What are you doing here, little brother?" Itachi demanded coldly.


	12. Battlefields

Neji blinked as Kabuto's fist, glowing with chakra, passed close enough to his face to blow his hair back.

He allowed himself one second of immobilizing shock that a fellow Konoha ninja was attacking him with genuine intent to kill, then his training kicked in.

He deepened his stance, turning aside a flurry of blows as he activated his Byakugan. It was difficult without proper hand seals, but not impossible.

Dimly, he thought he could hear the kid—Gaara—saying something, but the fight took a surprising amount of concentration and he dismissed it as unimportant. This Kabuto was a few years older and despite his much-lauded genius, Neji found himself working harder than he expected to ward off his attacks.

Fortunately, Neji was in his element in this close-combat style, and Kabuto clearly was not. Avoiding the chakra blades in the older ninja's hands was not dissimilar to avoiding a fellow Hyuuga's Gentle Fist, and after only a minute Neji landed a solid blow to the other man's heart.

Not quite willing to kill a comrade, just in case this was all some kind of misunderstanding, Neji didn't strike as hard as he might have. Consequently, he approached with caution, even though his opponent would still be immobilized by such a direct strike.

That caution meant Kabuto's answering blow only sliced deeply across Neji's torso instead of bisecting him.

"How can you still move?" Neji demanded, using one hand to block the next few attacks while he pressed the other to his chest. "Your heart should barely be functioning right now."

"I'm glad you asked. You see, I have honed my medical jutsu to such a level that I can heal any injury almost instantly. My expertise in this area is unmatched, even by the Legendary Lady Tsunade. Already, it is like your blow never landed."

Neji narrowed his eyes.

"The only reason you have survived this long is because of your taijutsu expertise. Outside of your element, you stand no chance against me." Kabuto stepped back and the chakra blades in his hand somehow separated from his body, becoming dozens of projectiles. "Now die!"

"I think not," Neji said coolly, beginning to spin.

When he stopped, all the chakra projectiles had dissipated and Kabuto's eyes were wide.

Neji smirked.

"You—you are only a branch member, and a _child_. How do you know that technique?"

"You think you're the only capable ninja in this exam? Come over here and let's test your healing against my jyuuken."

Kabuto's smile returned, but it was a bit forced now. "Don't think you can taunt me, boy. Let's see who runs out of chakra first, shall we?" He produced two handfuls of senbon and began throwing them and more chakra scalpels.

Without much of a choice, Neji dropped into another Heavenly Spin. Truthfully, he couldn't keep doing this all day, and the circular spray of blood from his wound was a little worrying.

Mid-spin, he frowned.

It was a bit difficult to actually see what was going on around him while performing this technique—not to mention unnecessary, since that was the whole point of an ultimate defense—but he was used to seeing 360 degrees so was reasonably certain that something was happening out there.

He almost fell as a massive wave of chakra impacted his shield, but he bit his lip and finished the move, barely repelling the foreign chakra.

He bent over, panting for breath and clutching his wound, eyeing his opponent through the top of his head.

The man was levitating about six feet off the ground, completely encased in what appeared to be…sand.

Peering through the sand prison, Neji could see Gaara standing with one hand extended, looking extremely pissed off. The blood that had covered his face earlier had disappeared somewhere, so it was no mean feat that he looked even more dangerous now than before.

"I told you to get out of my way."

"Now, Gaara—"

Neji didn't know this Gaara kid, but if he were in Kabuto's position he would be a lot more worried right about now.

"We were talking. You interrupted."

"You can't—"

"I can do whatever I want."

"Our lord—"

"You said your healing jutsu is the best."

"It is."

"Strong enough…to affirm my existence?"

"What?"

"Sand burial!"

The sand prison exploded inwards, spraying the entire clearing with blood and the shredded remains of more solid body parts. Neji was instantly soaked, like he'd taken a shower in the stuff.

At least his mouth was closed.

Through his tightly closed eyelids he saw Kabuto's teammates turn and run. Sand whirled lazily along the ground, soaking up some of the blood and spreading the rest around.

Gaara walked calmly through the destruction, coming to a halt less than a foot away.

"…yes?" Neji managed, grimacing as he tasted blood.

"His blood is sour, like poison."

Neji tried to remember if he'd seen the kid licking the ground or something. No, he would have remembered that. Before he could come up with a reply, Gaara kept talking.

"But yours…tastes like power." Gaara's eyes flashed.

"Okay…"

"So sweet…" Gaara's voice trailed off and he grabbed his head, pulling at his own hair. "Stop…that hurts…"

Neji never thought he would ever find himself longing for the sanity of his team, but this exam was just full of strange occurrences. His analytical mind judged the speed of that sand versus the speed he could run, and he mentally winced.

After a few exceptionally long minutes, Gaara seemed to pull himself together—relatively speaking—and regarded Neji flatly. There was no longer any blood on the other boy, not even his clothes.

Neji didn't want to know what had happened to it.

"You were saying something," Gaara prompted.

Neji cast his mind back, trying to remember what they could possibly have been talking about. His bloodline came to his rescue when he spotted a shiny foil wrapper at his feet.

Slowly, he bent down to retrieve the ration bar, idly wondering if he should be more concerned about eating something that could withstand the force of his Heavenly Spin. Not important right now. Wordlessly, he held it out to Gaara.

Gaara took it gingerly. He eyed it suspiciously, his eyes going almost comically cross-eyed since it was only an inch from his nose. Then he sniffed it.

"It's just food," Neji told him, trying to ignore the ongoing bizarreness of Gaara's behavior. And the macabre dripping that filled the clearing. "Well, sort of."

Hesitantly, Gaara put some of it in his mouth, scowling when his teeth didn't break through the foil.

"No, you have to—" Neji reached out to take it back, then thought better of putting his fingers that close to the other boy's mouth. Slowly, choreographing each movement, he walked over to his pack and retrieved another bar. He unwrapped it and took a bite, forcing himself not to gag.

He hoped the kid didn't think he was trying to poison him or anything.

Gaara unwrapped his own bar, then somehow shoved the whole thing in his mouth at once.

Neji tensed.

Gaara's expression didn't change while he methodically chewed, which could have been a good or a bad sign.

"Do you have more?"

Neji was embarrassed to say that he actually jumped when Gaara finally spoke. "Uh…sure." He handed the other boy his own half-eaten bar, then went and retrieved the other two Lee left for him. "Here, help yourself."

Gaara hummed and took the whole lot. "I will kill you later," he said, turning and walking away.

"Great," Neji said weakly.

When Lee and Tenten returned hours later, he was still standing there. It took almost an hour to convince them that he wasn't dead (or undead—he made a mental note to murder Gai-sensei for letting Lee watch horror movies) and another two to get all the blood off.

* * *

Kakashi cursed every god he could think of as he and Tenzou sprinted through the forest. Was it the name that was cursed, or was he the curse? Because _of course_ Team Seven decided to face off against one of the _Sannin_ during a _chuunin exam_.

He just barely avoided colliding with Tenzou's back when the man stopped abruptly.

There was a massive snake corpse with most of the middle missing stretched out on the forest floor, which Kakashi fervently hoped meant that Naruto was somehow okay. More snake corpses were scattered everywhere, which was gross but not unexpected.

What was unexpected, and what was clearly the reason for Tenzou's sudden halt, was the trees.

They were warped almost beyond recognition, and huge limbs shot out at improbable heights and angles. If Kakashi hadn't been beside the man the whole time, he would have accused Tenzou of an impromptu training session.

"Has Orochimaru…mastered the Wood Release technique?" Tenzou asked slowly, face pale.

"Let's not jump to any conclusions."

"Senpai, there just aren't that many possible conclusions to jump to here."

Elbowing his subordinate, Kakashi continued on—though now he was even more reluctant to face whatever he was about to find.

Finally, they started to hear the sounds of fighting.

Breaking out into a wide clearing—had that always been here?—both ninja were forced to a halt once again.

The warped trees were immediately explained—after a fashion—by the presence of the _First Hokage_. A huge wall of water strongly suggested, in context, that the Second Hokage was running around somewhere as well. What could only be Orochimaru was indeed here, though he still had the body of a woman.

Oh, and all three of them were fighting _Uchiha Itachi_.

"Do I even want to know?" Tenzou asked finally.

"I certainly don't," Kakashi answered, scanning the area for his students. They were so outclassed here it was ridiculous.

The reasons for the unexpected clearing became apparent when Itachi unleashed a massive wave of black flames that burned right through the water and a fair portion of the trees.

The Nidaime focused his considerable water jutsu on the peculiar flames, allowing his brother to engage Itachi in a furious taijutsu battle that was hard for even the two jounin to follow.

"…maybe they'll kill each other off?" Tenzou suggested.

"We should be so lucky," Kakashi muttered. "Wait, there they are!"

An extremely beat up and exhausted-looking Sakura and Sasuke were supporting an unconscious Naruto, all their focus on leaping out of the way as waves of fire or water or random tree branches shot in their direction. Every once in a while, just for variety, a snake would attack them.

It was the work of moments to Shunshin over and pull the three genin to a (relatively) safe spot.

"Sensei!" Sakura exclaimed, hugging him.

He tolerated it for four seconds in deference to the circumstances, then pried her off. "Yes, yes, I'm glad you're alive, too. How is Naruto?"

"I don't know, I didn't see what happened! He's breathing okay, he just won't wake up!"

"Well, hopefully he'll be alright then. Tenzou, come. We need to help."

"Are you kidding? And help who, exactly?"

Itachi landed a kick that sent his opponent flying in their direction.

"As good a place to start as any," Kakashi said practically. "C'mon, let's see if we can figure out what's going on."

"Remind me why the two of us are in charge of this mission? Aren't there _two_ Legendary Sannin in Konoha for _exactly_ this reason?"

"You know perfectly well that Tsunade-hime has no intention of fighting anyone. And…huh, I forgot that you're too young to remember Jiraiya-sensei. I'm sure he'll show up eventually. Probably. Unless he has something better to do."

They landed beside a massive crater.

"Jiraiya-_sensei_? I didn't know the two of you had met."

"Yeah, when I was a kid. Try to focus, please."

"Oh, that's rich…"

"Excuse me!"

The slightly dazed hero looked up from the crater of his forcible impact with the ground at the sound of Kakashi's voice.

"This might sound a bit odd, but are you actually the Shodaime?"

"A _bit_ odd?" Tenzou echoed.

Kakashi kicked him.

"I serve Lord Orochimaru," the stranger intoned, cracking his knuckles.

"Well, that's a good enough reason to fight him then," Kakashi said cheerfully.

Trees leapt out of the ground on both sides.

"See, now I'm feeling left out…" the jounin whined.

High above their heads, Itachi stalked Orochimaru. Naturally, the coward refused to come out and face him himself.

"Show yourself!" Itachi ordered. "Your constructs may heal quickly, but it won't matter if you're dead!"

"Tempting," came Orochimaru's voice, "but I think I'll pass."

Itachi growled as a water dragon blasted through the space he'd just been standing. If he kept throwing Amaterasu around like this he was going to burn the forest down.

It was time for a new plan.

When the Nidaime appeared in front of him, the Uchiha prodigy was ready.

He summoned Susanoo to guard his back and plunged both himself and the former Hokage into his Tsukuyomi.

Just as he'd hoped, the man's consciousness was fully intact, locked away behind the seal controlling his body.

"I'm terribly sorry about this," the Nidaime said, striding up to Itachi in the mental landscape. "He has complete control over my brother and me."

"I know."

Tobirama chuckled. "You Uchiha never waste words, do you."

"…don't you want to know who I am?"

"You're protecting Konoha genin, so that's all I really need to know. Say, what do you call this technique?"

"It is your techniques that we should be concerned with. You invented the Impure World Resurrection Jutsu, yes?"

"Hey, how did you know about that? That's a forbidden jutsu."

"The more pressing matter is how Orochimaru knows of it."

"Oh, heh, guess you're right."

"So?"

"So what?"

"Did you invent it or not?"

"Well, I came up with the idea, but I never finished it. This Orochimaru character must have done that."

"Do you know how to counter it?"

"Uh…"

"Tell me everything. We have 72 hours to come up with a solution."

"Whatever you say, kid."

Only seconds had passed, but Orochimaru still felt a bit…unsettled. The Susanoo was truly spectacular, and he felt a strong stab of envy that he had been unable to claim the elder brother as a vessel. The things he could do with such a jutsu…

But he digressed. Why would Itachi, known for his economy of movement and jutsu, unleash such a powerful technique when he had been frustratingly holding his own against the first two Hokage and Orochimaru's own attacks?

Of course, if Orochimaru were really fighting, the upstart would be easily defeated. That first time they'd clashed had been merely a fluke.

Anyway, the Nidaime launched several futile attacks against Susanoo's impenetrable defense before Itachi's head snapped up.

The unsettled feeling multiplied.

As if sensing his thoughts, Itachi's gaze turned to Orochimaru's hiding place. Susanoo's sword turned in his direction.

Then Itachi launched himself at the Nidaime, tackling him off the branch in the least graceful move Orochimaru had ever seen from the irritating thorn in his side.

Cursing, the Sannin sought out a route to follow Itachi that didn't lead straight through the unblockable sword. Now was not the time to test it against his own weapon. The brat was up to something.

Tenzou and Kakashi were getting their asses thoroughly kicked by the Shodaime when two bodies fell straight into the middle of their battle.

Before anyone else could do anything, Itachi leapt to his feet and flew through a series of seals faster than the eye could follow, finishing by slapping both palms to the backs of the two former Hokage.

There was an almost tangible wave of chakra and the two men collapsed like puppets with their strings cut, their bodies crumbling to dust.

Orochimaru decided that he had plenty of time to mark the little Uchiha and beat it.

Kakashi and Tenzou blinked.

Then Itachi's knees hit the ground and he bent over, coughing wetly.

Blood dripped steadily down his chin and streamed from his eyes before he slowly, almost elegantly, tipped sideways. He didn't get up.

Seconds later, Kakashi's team leapt down, still bearing an unconscious Naruto.

Tenzou was the first person to find his voice. "Is it just me…or was he _helping_ us?"

Sasuke, predictably, exploded. "He _wasn't_! Why can't you people understand? You don't know what he's like! Everything he says and does—it's all a lie! He just _pretends_ to care, so it hurts more when he turns around and stabs you in the back!"

"Sasuke…" Kakashi began slowly. "He just defeated the first two Hokage—why on earth would he have run from a fight with you and me?"

"I don't know, but he definitely had a reason! And it wasn't for our benefit!"

"Well, at least he stopped Orochimaru's last attack," Sakura said, probably unwisely.

"What!?" Sasuke screamed, rounding on her.

"What?" Kakashi asked, in a much more reasonable tone.

"Back when, uh, Itachi first appeared," she began, shoulders hunched against the force of Sasuke's rage. "Orochimaru did this weird thing where his neck grew super long…it looked like he was trying to _bite_ Sasuke!"

"And that's when Itachi intervened."

"Stop making it sound like he was protecting me!"

Sakura nodded.

"Hmm. Maybe someone should talk to Anko about this," Kakashi mused. "As your superior, I nominate you, Tenzou-chan."

"Go to hell, senpai."

"He wasn't helping!" Sasuke repeated.

"Somehow I doubt Orochimaru was just giving you a hickey," Kakashi said patronizingly.

Sasuke was reduced to incoherent sputters of rage.

"But wait," Tenzou said slowly. "If he's here to help, why did he attack Sasuke and break his arms? Because that closely resembles _not_ helping."

"Yeah, that doesn't make any sense," Kakashi admitted. "Maybe he's bipolar? Itachi was always a weird kid."

They turned their attention to the infamous missing-nin in their midst—Itachi, not the one who'd scarpered off—but he was completely out of it.

The adults exchanged puzzled looks.

"I'd really like to know what the hell just happened," Tenzou said finally.

Sasuke reached for his kunai and advanced on his unconscious sibling.

"I don't think so," Kakashi said, grabbing him around the waist and deftly relieving him of the weapon.

"Let me go! I have to kill him!" Sasuke shouted, squirming.

"Don't even think about it," Kakashi snapped. "No student of mine is killing an unconscious man who just saved all our asses. Besides, we still have to question him."

"I can take him back to ANBU headquarters," Tenzou offered.

"You mean _where he used to work?_" Sasuke sputtered. "Oh yeah, that'll be _real effective_!"

"And the three of you are still participating in an exam," Kakashi pointed out.

Even Sakura gave him an incredulous look at that.

"I'm serious; you guys finish your mission, and let us handle this."

"But—but Naruto is still unconscious! And don't you think a serious threat to Konoha is slightly more important than some stupid exam!" Sakura sputtered.

"No, I don't. Which is why the exam wasn't cancelled when we learned of the threat. And if I recall correctly, _Sasuke_, you insisted on participating with both your arms broken, even knowing that Itachi was nearby."

"But you've _captured him!_"

"Hey, look at this!"

They turned to look at Sakura, who was holding up a scroll. "Orochimaru must have dropped it. And it's the one we need!"

"See, it was meant to be," Kakashi said.

"Sensei…is this cheating? I mean, we didn't exactly beat him."

"I think since the one who had it was one of the Legendary Sannin, we can let it go just this once," Kakashi said practically. "Besides, I'm not going to tattle on you."

Sasuke was still unmoved.

Kakashi sighed. "Look, he's not going anywhere—"

"You don't _know_ that—"

"—I'll sit with him the whole time—"

"—he'll just _kill_ you, like he kills _everyone_—"

"You don't have a choice," Kakashi said firmly. "Come on, Tenzou."

Sasuke fumed as they took off, Itachi in tow.

"Come on, Sasuke," Sakura said tentatively. "We need to find somewhere to rest until Naruto wakes up. And I want to take a look at your arms."

Sasuke gave in with ill grace, trudging along behind her until they found a natural shelter created by the roots of one of the recently-created trees, where they both sat and stared at Naruto in awkward silence.

"Did you see Orochimaru hit him?" Sasuke asked randomly.

Sakura eyed him with concern. "Orochimaru hit him several times," she said slowly. "That's why he's unconscious."

"Why did he pass out?"

"He fell out of the tree, remember?"

"What? When was that?"

"Uh, after Orochimaru punched him in the stomach?" She paused, then eyed Sasuke shrewdly. "Are we still talking about Naruto?"

"Nothing. Never mind."

And that was all she could get out of him for the next sixteen hours it took for Naruto to wake up.

* * *

Team Ten spent the morning arguing about whether a rest had really been necessary—or, rather, Ino berated her two teammates without pausing for breath and they ignored her.

They spent the afternoon fighting over whether Chouji had a responsibility to the team to share his snacks and, if so, which ones were the least detrimental to Ino's diet.

And they spent the evening speculating in hushed tones over what befell the unfortunate team they walked through just as the sun was starting to go down.

"Eww," Ino said with a shudder. The whole area was just drenched in blood. It looked like the other team had spontaneously combusted or something.

"Hey, I found a scroll!" Chouji announced, making no move to take it.

"So pick it up."

"It's all wet!"

"Chouji, stop being such a girl!"

"Aww, but Ino…"

Shikamaru stepped in and stripped off his shirt, using it to pull the scroll out of the bloody mud. It made an extremely unpleasant noise as it came out.

"Ergh," Ino said, looking like she was about to be sick. "Put a shirt on, you're so scrawny!"

Shikamaru's eye twitched.

"So? Is it the right one?" Chouji wanted to know.

"Yes," Shikamaru said, after rubbing some of the blood off so he could actually see it. "Let's go. I don't want to still be here if whatever did this decides to come back."

And miraculously, Team Ten didn't argue as they snuck towards the Tower with as stealthily as they could manage.

* * *

"So are you going to tell us what happened?" Tenten asked.

Neji had been very quiet, even for him, since they regrouped.

She sighed when he remained stubbornly silent.

Speeding up a bit, she ran beside Lee for a while instead. At least he could always be counted on for conversation.

"Look, Tenten! Another squirrel!"

Even if there were no guarantees about the quality of said conversation.

"Seriously, Lee, if you had a summon animal, it would definitely be squirrels."

"I definitely agree! Unfortunately, I am not able to summon!"

"Plus, there probably isn't a jutsu for such a lame summon…" Tenten muttered.

"However! I will overcome this obstacle! Instead, I will train an army of squirrels to accompany me everywhere!"

Tenten flinched. "Uh…really?"

"Yes! I have already asked permission from Gai-sensei!"

"…okay, Lee, I'll bite. How are you planning on getting all these squirrels?"

"It is very simple, Tenten! They are wild animals, yes? So all I will need to do is to feed them! And then they will follow me forever! It is a completely flawless plan!"

Neji tripped and fell backwards off a branch.

"Ah, my rival! Are you still unwell!?"

"Get off, Lee! I'm fine! I just…had a disturbing thought."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Tenten, stop hovering. Can we just go fight something?"

"Yeah, sure, Neji."

* * *

Halfway through the third day, Naruto woke up.

"Where's that grass ninja!? I'll kick her ass!" he shouted, jumping up. He promptly hit his head on a root. "Oww…"

"Dobe," Sasuke sneered. "Fight's over."

"Oh. What happened?"

Sasuke's face grew stony and he stared pointedly at the wall.

Hesitantly, Sakura filled their teammate in, flinching every time Sasuke growled.

"Wait, so I missed meeting the first two Hokage? Aw, man!"

"I'm not sure it was actually them, Naruto. And they were trying to kill us."

"Still…"

"Oh, but I have good news!" Sakura reached behind her. "Look! A Heaven scroll! Now that you're awake we can head straight for the Tower!"

"Man, I didn't do anything…"

"Well, we didn't really do anything, either. I mean, after Itachi showed up we were mostly just dodging, and once Kakashi-sensei and Tenzou arrived we didn't even have to do that. I think Orochimaru dropped the scroll while he was running away. It's not like he really cared about making chuunin or anything."

"Itachi didn't help!"

There was a long, awkward silence.

Then a team of sound ninja appeared. "Hand over Uchiha Sasuke!" the bandaged one shouted.

"Aw, you're got to be freaking kidding me!" Naruto griped.

* * *

Team Gai was getting frustrated. As would be expected of one of the most promising teams to come out of the Village Hidden in the Leaves in many years, they had triumphed over three other teams with no serious injuries—well, besides the one they came in with. However, they kept getting more earth scrolls. They had so many that Tenten insisted on burying two of them and only keeping one spare.

They finally decided to just head to the tower and try ambushing a team on their way to win, on the theory that at least then they would definitely get a heaven scroll.

"Wait," Neji said suddenly. He focused his Byakugan on something they couldn't see.

"Is there an enemy ahead?" Lee asked eagerly. "We will definitely defeat them!"

"There's six people," Neji said slowly. "And three of them are Kakashi's team. I think they might be in trouble."

"…are we going to help them?" Tenten asked. Neji was not well known for his tolerance of weakness in others.

He sighed. "I suppose."

* * *

Team Seven was indeed in trouble. These sound ninja were way above genin level, though not quite on par with their last opponents, of course.

Naruto's chakra was even more unreliable than usual, Sasuke couldn't use his left arm at all, and Sakura just didn't know that many jutsu yet. And despite their rest, all three were exhausted and hungry.

They had managed to learn that the sound trio were Orochimaru's followers, proving that he was in fact conspiring to ruin their chances of making chuunin, and also their names. Not through any special interrogation skills, the sound ninja just announced it.

Oh, and that contrary to what Orochimaru himself had said, they were here to kill Sasuke.

"Well, not that this wasn't entertaining," Dosu gloated, throwing Sasuke several feet with his sound waves, "but I think—argh!"

A green blur resolved into Rock Lee kicking him in the head. "You want entertainment?" He raced around behind the weird mummified man and kicked his back. "Why don't you try fighting me!"

Kin threw a handful of senbon at him, only to have them knocked out of the air by a wave of projectiles from Tenten. The two kunoichi faced off, their eyes narrowing.

That left Neji to face off against Zaku. "Your fate was sealed the moment we arrived," he informed his opponent. "Surrender now and save yourself the trouble."

Zaku sneered, raising his hands. "I think…not! Zankuukyokuha!"

"Watch out for the—" Naruto called, panting, but it was too late.

Neji performed a Heavenly Spin and deflected the attack back at Zaku, blasting the man off his feet. He slid almost twenty feet before colliding violently with a tree.

"Uh, never mind," Naruto said lamely.

By then, Kin was pinned to a tree by kunai and wires while Tenten bugged her about how exactly her bells worked, because she'd never seen a weapon like that before.

"Primary Lotus!" Lee shouted, sending Dosu face-planting into the ground.

The whole fight had taken maybe two minutes.

"Well, that was embarrassing," Naruto griped.

"We didn't need any help," Sasuke informed the older genin.

"That's boy speak for 'thank you'," Sakura said, sounding annoyed. "And they're still conscious, you know."

"We will retreat…for now…" Dosu gasped, placing a scroll gently on the ground. Zaku stumbled over and freed Kin. "But next time we meet…"

"If they're working for Orochimaru, should we try and capture them or something?" Sakura asked, not backing down from her battle-ready stance.

"If we have to call one of the proctors in, we'll have to forfeit," Neji pointed out. "It can probably wait until we reach the tower, then we can send someone to retrieve them."

"I suppose that makes sense…"

The decision was made for them when the sound trio took off at top speed.

"Hey, are you guys all right?" Tenten asked. Team Seven looked like they'd been at one of Gai-sensei's morning practices after he fought with Kakashi. She winced in sympathy—though that probably wasn't what had actually happened.

"We're fine; it's kind of a long story," Sakura said.

"We fought off two S-class missing-nin," Naruto supplied. "And possibly a Hokage or two."

Team Gai blinked, but the others didn't call Naruto out for lying—though "fought off" might have been a _bit_ of an exaggeration.

"…how do you guys get yourselves into these situations?" Tenten asked finally.

"We're just special, I guess."

"It was nothing," Sasuke muttered.

"Right, well, Neji got himself into a situation as well, though he won't tell us what," Lee said brightly.

"It was nothing," Neji muttered.

The two geniuses glared at each other, both refusing to be the first to look away.

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Look, if you don't stop doing that, people are going to think you just broke up or something."

_That_ distracted them, and Naruto bravely hid behind Sakura.

"Hey!" Lee shouted, making the others jump and take defensive stances. "They had a heaven scroll!"

They scowled at him. "Don't startle everyone like that," Sakura muttered.

"I guess you guys did find them first," Tenten said slowly.

"But we defeated them!" Neji said.

"Um, we already have both scrolls," Naruto interrupted, waving them around. "So you guys can just have that one."

"Whatever," Neji said. "Just remember that we won't always be here to bail you out when you're in trouble."

Sasuke and Naruto's furious curses accompanied them as both teams made for the tower.


	13. Preliminary Matches

A/N: Thanks for the responses, everyone! I'm glad you loved Itachi-so do I! This chapter's kind of a long one, but hopefully there are no complaints about that :)

* * *

Both teams were a bit annoyed to find that the rest of the Konoha Twelve were already there. They used their scrolls, received hasty congratulations from two distracted chuunin, then were left to themselves until time ran out.

There wasn't a single adult in the whole Tower they could report to, so all the genin took the opportunity to sleep, eat, hang out, and bug the more medically competent among them for healing jutsu. Temari and Kankuro managed to locate their brother and herd him to the tower late on the fourth day, and minutes before the deadline both the sound trio and Kabuto's team stumbled across the finish line.

"Alright, brats, line up!" Anko yelled.

An examiner stepped up. "Too many of you passed the test—again—so we're going to hold some preliminary rounds. But first I'm going to give you an opportunity to forfeit. Does anyone—Hyuuga?"

Neji met the many stares directed his way with his usual impassivity. "I do not wish to forfeit. I have a question."

"No questions."

"But—" Neji narrowed his eyes at Kabuto, who was suddenly, well, not disintegrated.

"I have a question, too," Sasuke said, not bothering to raise his hand. He glared openly at the Sound trio.

"What part of no questions didn't you lot understand? This is a fight to the death for the honor of your village, not a classroom! Now if you don't want to forfeit, then—_now_ what?"

Kabuto's hand was raised. "I wish to forfeit."

"…oh. Fine then, you can leave. Shut your mouth, Hyuuga!"

Neji did shut his mouth, but he wasn't happy about it. Turning away from the obstinate proctor, he caught sight of Gaara. He'd made it, which wasn't a surprise, but he also had a team, which was. Of course, one of them was wearing a catsuit and makeup, but still…a live team. Gaara was also wearing a hat that looked very much like it had been fashioned from ration bar wrappers. So, what the hell.

"Hey," he whispered, drawing the attention of as many of his fellow rookies as he could. "I can't explain now, but if you fight that redhead, forfeit. Right away."

Shikamaru looked at the shortest competitor somewhat doubtfully. "You sure?"

"Absolutely. I plan to."

The examiners finished explaining the rules and everyone watched the screen for the first match-up.

"Kin of the Sound versus Uzumaki Naruto!"

"That's right, first to fight!" Naruto cried, jumping right off the balcony and into the ring. "Everyone, watch in awe as I kick major ass!"

Sakura smiled at him fondly, while Sasuke predictably just rolled his eyes. Lee cheered loudly.

"You were singing a different tune last time we fought, brat!"

"Hey!"

She took her sweet time getting to the ring, ignoring Naruto's increasingly violent fidgeting.

"You going to be okay?" the proctor, who'd introduced himself as Hayate, asked.

Naruto nodded, his teeth clacking together with the force of it.

"Umm." Hayate stepped forward. "Right. Now that that's settled—begin!"

Naruto vaguely remembered her style from the fight a few days ago—something about bells, maybe? Anyway, she threw stuff.

He formed the seal for his signature jutsu—not _that_ one—and forced his chakra into it, closing his eyes in concentration. Stupid Orochimaru, the last thing he needed was _less_ chakra control.

When he opened them, there were thirty clones around him.

He'd been trying for two.

"Heh heh." He rubbed the back of his head awkwardly.

"Is that really Naruto?" someone said from the stands.

Right. He was dazzling everyone with his mad skills.

With a battle cry, the Narutos mobbed Kin.

She put up a decent fight, switching continuously with different clones so they often hit each other by accident, but it was painfully obvious that taijutsu was not her specialty, and senbon weren't all that useful when faced with the sheer mass of Naruto's clones. Plus, no matter how many times she hit him, he just shook it off and kept going.

And Naruto had to give a tiny bit of credit to Bushy Brow, who had some really useful moves.

"Uzumaki Barrage!" Naruto yelled, sending the sound nin flying into the wall.

Normally he wouldn't go all out against a girl, but she was one of Orochimaru's, so all bets were off.

The fifth time he kicked her into the wall, she slid down and didn't get back up.

"Well, he certainly has a…unique…style," Tenten said into the silence.

"If you can even call that a style," Neji muttered.

"All right, Naruto! You totally kicked her ass!" Sakura yelled. "That's my teammate!"

"Winner: Naruto," Hayate said after checking Kin's pulse. "Stretcher?"

Naruto beamed at them all, pumping his arms and executing an impromptu victory dance.

"Who would have thought the idiot had it in him?" Kiba asked.

Hinata just smiled.

Naruto bounded up the steps to the balcony to rejoin his friends. "Hah, beat that, Sasuke-teme! Maybe if you try really hard you can manage one jutsu before your arm stops working again."

"Seriously, go die."

"Up next is Akado Yoroi and Sabaku no Gaara!"

Gaara teleported into the ring, gazing impassively at Hayate.

Yoroi sat down and cried.

"Dude, pull yourself together, he's just a little kid," Zaku said, elbowing him.

Neji winced.

Gaara turned his head slightly to see who had said that.

Yoroi's teammate finally pushed him over the railing, which Hayate decided was sufficiently close to the arena. "Begin," Hayate said, jumping away from Gaara's formidable aura at top speed.

"I'll have you know," Yoroi said, getting shakily to his feet, "that my kekkei genkai has never been defeated! I can absorb your chakra until you are nothing but an empty shell!"

"Hmph."

Gaara just stood there with his arms crossed, so eventually Yoroi pulled himself together enough to come at him, palms out.

Before his hands could hit, a wall of sand materialized in front of him.

"Yaah!" To his shock, Yoroi didn't immediately die. In fact, where his hands touched the sand, it fell harmlessly to the floor. Slowly, he began to smirk. "Ha! My bloodline is unstoppable!"

Shoving his whole arm through the sand, he touched Gaara's face, which began melting.

"The hell?"

"Interesting," Gaara said, apparently unimpeded by the fact that his lips had dissolved.

Yoroi went to pull back, extremely weirded out, when he realized that the sand had wrapped around his arm. He yanked futilely, trying to escape its hold.

The melting turned out to be some kind of armor, which meant that in fact, he had not managed to hit the kid at all. Yoroi began to sweat.

"So the ability is limited to your hands. Not that interesting after all. Sand coffin."

Yoroi shrieked as the sand wrapped around his entire body, hoisting him about twenty feet in the air. His voice was soon muffled as his face was covered, and all that could be seen was his hands up to the wrist.

The fists clenched and unclenched as their owner struggled for air. Gaara smirked.

Hayate opened his mouth and coughed several times.

Gaara closed his fist. "Sand burial."

Blood rained down on the arena, spattering everyone.

Two human hands dropped to the floor with muted thuds.

"How dull." Gaara turned and walked away.

There was a long silence.

"…right," Hayate said finally. "Winner: Gaara."

"Man, you weren't kidding about that guy," Shikamaru muttered.

"I tried to tell you," Neji answered.

"Is _that_ who you ran into?" Tenten demanded. "Sit down and tell me the story right now!"

"Round three is between Tsurugi Misumi and Hyuuga Neji!" Hayate announced.

Tenten scowled. "You got lucky."

Both combatants walked down to the arena, where Neji fixed his opponent with a fierce glare.

"Hey, don't I know you?" Misumi asked.

"Begin!"

Neji moved in immediately, activating his Byakugan and engaging his opponent in a simple taijutsu spar—assuming "simple" could be applied to his clan's style.

Then Misumi went for a block and wrapped his arm around Neji's wrist—twice.

Neji frowned.

"I see that you are impressed by the power of my blood line!" Misumi said gamely.

Neji just looked at him, clearly conveying that he was not impressed in the least.

"I can dislocate any bone in my body, then utilize my chakra to move myself anyway!" the older genin gloated. "I will squeeze the life out of you unless you forfeit!"

"Just try it," Neji said flatly.

"What's going on?" Naruto asked, confused.

"I'm…not sure," Lee said, frowning. "He…did not put up much of a fight."

"Eww, is anyone else reminded of Orochimaru right now?" Sakura asked, looking nauseous.

Annoyed, Misumi wrapped around him completely, like some kind of bizarre boa constrictor, until only Neji's head was visible. "If you do not forfeit, I will not hesitate to kill you."

Neji smirked. "Go ahead."

Misumi tensed his whole, warped body at the same time a faint blue glow emerged from between his coils. He screamed shrilly, once, then the sound was abruptly cut off.

The coils collapsed to the floor, and Neji calmly stepped out.

"You know," Naruto said, "I know he's really great and all, but sometimes Neji is really annoying."

"You have no idea," Lee muttered.

"Winner: Neji," Hayate announced. "Uh, what exactly did you do?"

"I disrupted all his chakra pathways," Neji said calmly.

"So…is he dead then?"

"Very."

Hayate toed the closest bit of elongated torso. It flopped. "Was that really necessary?"

"I did try to mention before the matches began that he was an agent of Orochimaru. Now he is no longer a threat."

"Orochimaru? Wait, that was your question from before?"

"No. Can I ask it now?"

"No. Go away so we can start the next match. I'd just like to remind everyone that it is not actually necessary to kill your opponents. If one person is unable to continue, I will call the match. It's like a swimming pool down here."

Neji stalked off, very pissed that no one was willing to listen to his very valid concerns about people apparently coming back from the dead.

The other genin carefully gave him a wide berth.

"Next up is Uchiha Sasuke versus Temari."

"Haha, now you're fight's definitely going to suck, you're stuck with a girl!" Naruto gloated.

Temari glared daggers at him, but Naruto missed it because Ino and Sakura had knocked him into the back wall.

"Oww…"

"Idiot," Sasuke muttered, slouching as he regarded his opponent.

Temari smiled at him. "Don't think I'll go easy on you just because you're such a cute little thing."

Sasuke bared his teeth.

"Begin!"

For lack of anything better to do, Sasuke activated his Sharingan. Then he tried to formulate a plan.

He couldn't use taijutsu. His left arm was completely broken and his right wasn't doing much better. The pain was manageable, but he'd never be able to fight with them.

He could force his fingers to form seals for ninjutsu, but it was excruciating. He'd be slow and eventually he wouldn't be able to endure it. So he needed to choose carefully.

He didn't even know any genjutsu.

"Are you going to come at me or not?" Temari demanded. "Fine."

Sasuke watched carefully as she pulled out her oversized fan and sent a blast of wind in his direction, sending him tumbling head over heels.

Naturally, he landed with a crunch on his right arm.

Forcing himself to his feet, he formed the seals for the first ninjutsu he'd ever mastered. "Katon Goukakyuu no Jutsu!"

The fireball blasted through her next wind attack, but she easily leapt aside.

"You'll have to do better than that!" she taunted.

Sasuke's mind raced. He'd only had his Sharingan for a day before the exam started, so there hadn't been any time to copy new ninjutsu! If only he'd had a week, a day even, or been able to witness a real battle…

Oh.

Wait.

Sasuke's hands began flicking through seals.

"Now what's he doing?" Ino asked, frantically chewing on her fingernails. "There's no way that bitch could beat Sasuke-kun!"

"He's at a major disadvantage," Shikamaru pointed out. "And if he doesn't hurry it up she's going to beat him before he even finishes his technique."

Ino smacked him.

Sasuke finished his seals and a massive wall of water appeared out of nowhere.

"Is that…the _Nidaime's_ _special technique_?" Hayate asked, staring dumbly at the tsunami. After a moment he shook his head and body flickered to the other side of the arena.

"Isn't his chakra nature fire? That is an impressive display for an element he does not even have an affinity for," Neji commented.

"Sasuke-kun can do anything," Sakura declared, stars in her eyes.

The water swept right through Temari's wind and sent her crashing against the opposite wall, half-drowning the spectators too slow to get out of the way.

Sasuke didn't wait to press his advantage, running unsteadily across the surface of the water to deliver a roundhouse kick to his sputtering opponent's face.

She dropped like a stone and Hayate had to body flicker back and catch her before she drowned.

The whole audience watched as the water settled down, leaving about two feet of it covering the entire arena floor.

"Bastard, why do you always have to be such a show-off!?" Naruto shouted.

His demand broke the silence, and everyone started talking at once.

"Elemental affinity—"

"—at _least_ chuunin level—"

"Where did he even _learn_ that?"

"—only to be expected from _that_ clan—"

"The winner is Sasuke," Hayate announced, then had to dive to catch him when the genin fainted. "Hm, looks like chakra exhaustion. Will someone drain all this water, please? And I thought _last_ round was like a swimming pool."

Eventually they got the water out and bundled Sasuke and Temari off to the healers.

"Well, that was…dramatic. Anyway, the next match will be between Zaku and Aburame Shino!"

"Ooh, that guy totally kicked my ass back in the forest," Naruto griped. "I hope Shino flattens him. Redeem Konoha's honor."

"Um…that's not really Shino's style…" Hinata said.

The two combatants faced off, Shino's expression as unreadable as ever.

"Begin!"

Zaku landed one solid punch, then spent the next few minutes trying to catch Shino in his sound blasts. The infuriating kid either dodged or replaced himself with a clone every damn time. And getting blasted every which way didn't bother the insects in the least.

"Hold still!" Zaku yelled, frustrated.

To his surprise, Shino actually did.

"You should forfeit," the bug user informed his opponent.

"What…? Like hell!" He raised his arms again.

"It would be the wisest course of action."

"Zankuukyokuha!" Zaku shouted.

Then his arms exploded.

Shino just stood there as blood and other body parts squished unpleasantly on the floor and his clothes.

Zaku screamed in one, continuous, piercing shriek.

Finally Hayate went over and punched him and he fell unconscious. "We'll assume he was unable to continue. Winner: Shino. And do you think you could dial it down a little, folks? This is just the prelims."

"That was kind of gross, Shino!" Naruto called. "But I feel totally avenged now!"

Shino twitched.

"What just happened?" Sakura asked, wrinkling her nose.

"The Aburame clan uses insects in combat," Neji informed her. "When he took that first punch, he must have left one on the enemy, because during the rest of the fight there was a continuous stream of them climbing up his opponent. They crawled into the holes in Zaku's hands and, when he tried to use his ability—"

"Boom!" Kiba yelled in her ear, startling her.

He started laughing and she punched him.

By that time Shino was back.

"Hey Shino, you totally kicked ass! I would give you a manly shoulder slap, but I don't want to get organs on my hand," Naruto said with a grin.

"You idiot, there are no organs in your arms!" Sakura scolded.

Naruto opened his mouth to reply, then his eyes went wide.

"What?" she demanded.

Everyone else was equally silent.

"What!?"

"Next up: Haruno Sakura versus Yamanaka Ino."

Sakura paled.

Slowly, she made her way down to the arena to face her rival and ex-best friend.

"Are you ready?" Hayate asked.

"No way you can beat me," Ino taunted.

Sakura hung her head. She'd always been second to Ino, except in the academic portion of the academy, which wasn't going to help her here.

"I believe in you, Sakura! Show her your strength! Wooo!" Lee bellowed, dancing around and making a ridiculous spectacle of himself.

Neji tripped him.

"Ow…"

But Sakura raised her head to meet her rival's eyes, reaching up to tie her hitai-ate over her forehead.

She might have been second-best before, but she was stronger now.

Ino met her eyes, and the two ran at each other.

"Go Sakura-chan!" Naruto shouted.

"Dazzle her with your youth!"

"How did we get stuck in the cheering section?" Sasuke complained. He blinked when he saw that Neji, who had been standing right next to him, was now halfway across the room.

"Ooh! You just gonna take that Sakura!?" Naruto screamed, right in his ear.

Sasuke went to join the other number one rookie. "What are you doing way over here?"

"Long familiarity with my team," Neji said, frowning at Lee, who was now executing what he probably thought was an inspirational dance. He shuddered.

"What exactly are they doing?" Sasuke asked.

"My teammates?"

"No, the girls."

"They appear to be talking about flowers."

"Flowers."

"And now they are adjusting their hairstyles."

"Keh. Kunoichi."

Neji narrowed his eyes. "I would suggest keeping that sentiment to yourself around Tenten."

Sasuke considered this.

"What the hell are you doing, getting a haircut at a time like this!" Tenten yelled, shaking her fist.

"Hn."

Shino finally gave up and went to join the other two away from the chaos. "Hey."

Neji and Sasuke both offered small nods. The three basked in the silence for a few moments.

"Did you notice that there are almost no adults here?" Shino asked.

"I did notice that. Just the Hokage, the proctor, and members of the medical corp," Sasuke said, frowning.

"It is not like Gai-sensei to miss any of Lee's fights," Neji volunteered.

"Perhaps something important is happening," Shino speculated.

"Well of course," Sasuke said, more than a little condescendingly.

Shino and Neji both glared at him.

"What, you mean you don't know?"

"How would we know?" Neji growled. "I've been trying to tell someone that I saw one of the competitors die during the exam, and no one is at all interested. They don't tell us anything, or think we know anything worth knowing."

"So what? I'm sure lots of people died during the exam."

"No, I mean—"

"Besides, _I_ fought notorious S-class missing nin, Orochimaru."

That impressed them—not that you could tell from their facial expressions.

"Well, that would explain it then," Shino said finally. "The chuunin and jounin are most likely searching for signs of Orochimaru."

"Maybe I beat him," Sasuke said, annoyed.

"Like that's even remotely possible."

"Shut up, Hyuuga."

"Whoa!"

"Oh, it appears that the fight is over," Shino said, peering over the railing. "Hmm. They both look unconscious. I wonder who wins in that case?"

"Whatever."

"You are not a very supportive teammate," Neji observed.

"Like you're one to talk."

"Actually, I am the only one from my team to compete so far."

"Next up, Inuzuka Kiba versus Rock Lee!"

"Yes! It is finally my turn! Woohoo!"

"Alright Akamaru, we're up!"

Sasuke turned, but Neji had disappeared again. "That guy…"

"Lee."

"Uh, yes, Neji?"

"Try not to embarrass yourself. More."

Lee grinned. "I won't!" He leapt into the arena.

"Ah yes, very encouraging," Shino remarked.

Neji shrugged. "Lee isn't really the kind of person that needs further encouragement."

"I don't know who you are, but you're no match Akamaru and me!"

"I look forward to a most youthful match," Lee said politely.

"You may begin," Hayate said.

Kiba grinned, baring his fangs, and ran at Lee.

Lee disappeared.

"What? Where did he go?"

"Leaf Hurricane!"

"Gaah!"

Kiba was fast, so he managed to dodge almost seventy percent of the kick's force.

He still dented the wall on impact.

Akamaru raced to his master's side, barking encouragement and insults at the two combatants.

"Ha…you think that's…enough…to take me out?" Kiba gasped.

"I certainly hope not! I have been looking forward to our battle! Please, take your time! I will wait!"

"…what's with this kid?" Kiba grumbled.

Lee grinned and gave him a thumbs up.

Kiba forced himself to his feet. "I can see that…I have a real fight on my hands!" He grinned back, though with more violence and less…sparkle. "Akamaru, let's go! Beast Mimicry! Man-beast clone!"

Lee blinked at the two feral Kibas.

"Attack!" Both Kibas ran at Lee from opposite sides. "Let's see you block this!"

Lee didn't move except to settle into his customary battle-ready pose, one arm loosely extended between the two approaching targets.

Kiba and Akamaru launched a simultaneous, coordinated attack, one striking out with a clawed hand and the other going for a high kick.

Lee blocked them both with his arms, then leapt into the air, pushing off Kiba to give himself a boost. When he reached head height, he struck out with a straddle kick.

"Argh!" One Kiba took the blow full on and dropped, gingerly feeling his ringing head, while the other managed a block that left his whole arm numb. "What is this?"

"Feel the power of my taijutsu!"

Utilizing the full extent of their enhanced speed and senses, both Kibas managed to stay engaged in a taijutsu battle for several minutes. To their very great frustration, they did not succeed in landing a single, meaningful blow.

"Okay, time for a new strategy!" One Kiba shouted, breaking off. "Here!" He tossed his compatriot a soldier pill. "It's time for _that_ jutsu. Fang over Fang!"

Twin whirlwinds shot at Lee, who merely stood there.

"Does Lee…have a plan?" Shino asked, having seen this jutsu before.

Naruto twitched. "He's certainly fast enough to dodge, so I'm sure he has a plan."

Neji gave him a sidelong look, one you didn't need to a Byakugan to interpret: _Obviously you don't know Lee very well._

Kiba's attack slammed into Lee head-on, sending him skidding across the floor.

"Ha!" Kiba shouted, leaning over and panting. "That…showed him."

Up in the stands, Sasuke frowned. "So…he didn't have a plan? Or is he getting tired?"

Tenten laughed. "Lee? He doesn't know the meaning of the word tired. Don't count him out yet."

And indeed, Lee executed a neat kip up, not at all fazed by his sudden trip across the room. "That is a truly impressive technique!" he complimented.

Kiba just stood there, mouth open.

"Now, it is my turn!"

Kiba may not be much of a planner, but he knew a bad offer when he saw one. "Akamaru, again! Fang over Fang!"

Lee, of course, wouldn't know a plan if it kicked him in the face. He ran straight at the approaching whirlwinds. "Leaf Hurricane!"

The two forces met with a deafening bang and went spinning out in three directions.

One Kiba groaned and changed back into Akamaru. He barked weakly before collapsing.

"Akamaru!"

"I am still your opponent!"

Kiba and Lee met in a green blur and Kiba once again went flying across the arena. Curling up around his bruised ribs, he mercifully passed out.

"Well. Winner: Lee."

Teams 8 and 10, who hadn't seen Lee in action before, stared.

"Was that some kind of…ninjutsu?" Chouji asked, thinking of his own clan's techniques. "Those were some powerful kicks!"

"Actually, Lee can't do ninjutsu or genjutsu at all," Tenten supplied. "And he didn't even take his weights off!"

"At…all…? Weights?" Hinata repeated. "But…he beat Kiba so easily…"

"In a purely physical battle, Lee is unmatched among the rookies," Neji said neutrally.

"Why Neji, I had no idea you felt that way!"

"…oh, you're back already?"

"My rival has acknowledged me!" Lee began crying noisily.

"Go bother Tenten."

"And next up is Akimichi Chouji and Tenten!"

"…or not."

"Come on, Chouji!"

"Oh, Ino, you're awake!"

"Of course! Shikamaru, wake up and cheer on your teammate! At least I was injured, not just lazy."

"Ow, don't hit me!"

"Hey!" Team 10 all looked down to see Tenten and Hayate glaring at them. "Sometime today?"

"Uh, right." Chouji hurried down to join them.

"Now that we're all here," Hayate said pointedly, "let's begin."

Chouji shifted his weight awkwardly. "Umm…my opponent is a girl?"

Tenten's eyes narrowed.

"Here we go," Neji said, activating his Byakugan to better watch the action. "This fight is as good as over."

"What? But it hasn't even started yet!" Naruto yelled. "Fights can't be predicted in advance!"

Tenten whipped out a scroll and bit her thumb, wiping a streak of blood across the kanji. "Take this!"

Dozens of sharp, pointy objects flew at Chouji.

"What!?" Chouji threw himself to the side, barely avoiding turning into a human pincushion. "Watch where you're throwing those!"

Tenten just grinned and pulled out another scroll.

"Well, if that's how you want to play it…Expansion Jutsu! Meat Tank!"

"What is that?" Tenten demanded, watching in disbelief as all her weapons were deflected. She raced to the side, dodging the approaching force of nature.

Its impact with the wall left a massive dent, and the spinning mass that was Chouji changed direction to come after Tenten again.

But she didn't train with Lee and Gai-sensei every day for nothing, and she swiftly dodged, throwing another load of weapons to no effect.

No matter; her attacks may not be hurting him, but Chouji couldn't change directions very quickly in that form, and she was quick enough to keep this up for much longer than Chouji could possibly have the chakra to maintain his jutsu.

Either he realized it too or the technique took a lot more chakra than she realized, because Chouji only made two more runs before returning to his normal appearance, panting but unharmed.

Tenten checked her inventory of scrolls, annoyed that the only projectile weapons she had left were meant for her twin dragon technique, which she really preferred not to reveal at this stage.

Well, no matter. She had plenty of other weapons.

Summoning her bo, she took a defensive stance.

"Where are you keeping all this?" Chouji demanded, pulling out a kunai. He stared at her, as if expecting to see a katana stuffed up her sleeve or something.

Tenten rolled her eyes and ran at him, bo spinning rapidly.

Chouji got his kunai up in time to block the first blow, but immediately had his legs swept out from under him. He hit the ground with a sharp 'oomph' and quickly found a staff resting at the base of his throat.

"Anything else to say about female opponents?" Tenten asked archly.

"Uh…I forfeit?"

"Good choice."

"Very interesting. Winner: Tenten."

"Oh no."

"What? What is it, Sasuke?" Naruto demanded, tugging on his teammate's sleeve.

"This means…that all of Gai-sensei's team passed, and not all of Kakashi-sensei's team."

Neji groaned.

"Wait…I don't get it!"

"It is a product of Gai-sensei's youthful teaching!"

"Is it too late to move to Suna?" Neji muttered. "He's going to be _insufferable_ after this."

"Next up! Nara Shikamaru and Dosu!"

"What?" Shikamaru grumbled. "How troublesome."

Naruto snickered. "Hey, kick his ass."

"Sometime today, I hope?" Ino asked pointedly, giving Shikamaru an encouraging kick.

"Ow! Fine, whatever."

He dragged his feet getting to the examiner, so his opponent was already waiting for him in all his creepy, mummy-like glory.

"Ready?" Hayate asked. "Begin!"

The two opponents just stood there for a moment.

"Well? Show me what you got!" Dosu demanded.

Shikamaru smirked; if he had to be up and participating in a fight, he much preferred opponents who didn't know about his clan ability. "I have a very powerful blood line!" he announced, beginning a series of hand seals.

Ino tugged on Chouji's sleeve. "What is he doing? Does he even know any techniques that take more than one hand seal?"

Her teammate shrugged painfully. "Who knows? At least he's not napping."

"Ultimate Technique: Rain of Fire-Breathing Tiger Sharks!"

"What!?" Ino shouted.

Dosu looked up. No fire, tigers, or sharks appeared. Not even any rain. He looked back at Shikamaru. "Look, you little creep. This isn't a game—" he paused, realizing he couldn't move.

"Moron. I manipulate shadows. Here, let's look down." He bent both their heads so Dosu could see the shadow that connected them. He reached into his pouch and pulled out a kunai. Dosu, of course, did the same.

"Now what are you going to do?" the sound ninja sneered. "It's obvious that you do everything I do—if you try to hurt me, you'll only hurt yourself! Some bloodline!"

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "This coming from the guy who thought I could summon fire-breathing tiger sharks. How could sharks breathe fire? They live in the water."

Dosu was practically frothing at the mouth. "I'm going to kill you!"

"Uh huh." He stared off into space, idly tossing his kunai in the air and catching it.

Several minutes went by while he determinedly stared into space and Dosu spat increasingly vile curses in his direction.

Asuma rolled his eyes. "That's my Shika."

"Did he forget that he's fighting?" Lee asked dubiously.

"Nah, he probably just ran out of enthusiasm for the fight. He does that a lot," Chouji supplied.

Lee looked horrified.

Then Dosu's kunai caught on one his bandages and clattered to the floor. The sound echoed through the suddenly silent room.

Shikamaru smirked and threw his kunai.

Dosu fully expected to die, so was surprised when he found himself suddenly rolling backwards. He fetched up against the wall and noticed that he was finally able to move just in time for Shikamaru's kick to shatter his arm. Somehow, the brat knew to break the one with his weapon.

Seriously pissed off, Dosu grabbed his dropped kunai and stabbed the kid in the shoulder.

Unfortunately for him, the next punch knocked him out cold.

Shoving his hands in his pockets, Shikamaru nodded to the examiner and wandered off.

"Winner: Shikamaru," Hayate said, waving the medic-nin forward. "Uh…could someone go and find something we could use as a stretcher? We seem to have run out. We've got a seriously violent bunch this year…"

Shikamaru snuck back up to the stands while the medics were fussing over Dosu.

"Oh, you're bleeding!" Sakura exclaimed, running over with Hinata right behind her.

"Does anyone have any spare bandages?" Hinata asked, dropping to her knees. "It…it doesn't look that deep…"

"I don't have anything left after our little survival trip," Ino said, to general agreement. "Sasuke, give me your shirt."

"What? No way! Use Naruto's!"

"Eww, no one wants to see that!" Ino protested.

"Hey! There's nothing special about Sasuke shirtless!" Naruto shouted, shaking a fist.

"…have you witnessed this personally?" Ino demanded, getting up in his face. "Did you take pictures?"

Naruto blinked. "Um, no?"

Kiba butted into the conversation. "I knew you two were secretly—mmph!"

Sasuke had punched him and also Naruto, just on principle. "Anyone else have anything to say about that?"

Naruto grumbled and rubbed his sore head.

Tenten, standing a safe distance away, smirked. "Well, I don't know about pictures, but if you want to hear a great story…"

Sakura giggled, and the two kunoichi shared a significant look.

"Wait, what are you talking about? And why don't I already know about it!?" Ino wailed.

Neji shoved a roll of bandages in Sakura's hands, his arm now suspiciously bare. "Not another word on that subject."

"Look, I know whatever you're talking about it of critical importance, but perhaps we could continue with the matches?" Hayate asked, sighing.

"Hey, I was listening, and you haven't announced the matchup yet!" Naruto shouted.

"Uh…that's because there's only one match left. I should think it would be obvious…"

"Leaf brats," Kankuro muttered, glaring at all of them from the arena floor.

All eyes turned to Hinata, who visibly shrank under the attention.

"Uh…I guess that's me then…" she said, scurrying down to join Kankuro.

"Let the final match begin."

Hinata trembled under Kankuro's contemptuous gaze, nervously biting on her lip.

He rolled his eyes. "You've got to be kidding me."

"Hinata, what are you just standing around for? Kick his ass!" Naruto shouted, almost falling off the balcony with the force of his enthusiasm.

Hinata's head came up, and she stopped gnawing on her lip.

"That's right…" she whispered. "Naruto…is watching me. And Naruto…he would never give up! And neither can I!"

Kankuro wasn't paying this little pep talk the slightest bit of attention. "Well, I can see this is going to be a boring fight."

Hinata made herself stop trembling.

"Now, normally I don't like to make the first move, but I was hoping to get some real food sometime today. So why don't you just hold still, and I won't hurt you too badly." He pulled the mummy off his back and set it on the ground.

"Byakugan!"

Kankuro raised an eyebrow.

But Hinata was done waiting.

"Don't underestimate…your opponent!" she cried, running right past Kankuro.

"Uh…I think you missed, Hinata-chan," Naruto said uncertainly.

"Idiot. That's just a decoy. Her real opponent is in the mummy."

"Really? How did she know!?"

"…the same way I did. By looking."

Naruto wilted under Neji's contemptuous glare, made all the more effective by his active Byakugan. "Oh yeah…"

"And if you think I'm going to narrate this entire fight for you, you're mistaken. Pay attention!"

Hinata struck at the bandaged figure with a glowing hand, but took a solid blow to the back before she could land her hit.

She skidded into the wall, coughing.

Kankuro emerged from the bandages, his smirk not quite as pronounced as before. "I don't know how you knew where I was, but I can see that you don't understand my jutsu at all. Never turn your back on Karasu!"

Hinata pushed herself to her feet in time to see the original Kankuro turn into a freaky-looking puppet, multiple appendages with sharp weapons bearing down on her.

"A puppet!?"

She threw up her arms, blocking as many blows as she could with kunai. Her performance of her family's style was inferior to the rest of the clan, but she was still a taijutsu specialist, and her skills were at their best in close-range combat.

Unfortunately, her Gentle Fist strikes would have no effect on a being made of wood, and she would tire long before the puppet did. She needed a plan!

Searching with her keen eyes, she spotted the chakra strings stretching from her opponent's fingers to various points on the puppet. If she could sever one of those…

"Yes, she sees them," Neji murmured. "Now we'll see if she has the necessary speed…"

"I don't get it…"

Hinata took a glancing blow to the shoulder as she rolled under one of Karasu's reaching arms, coming up behind it.

"Nice try, but there's no way you can outrun Karasu!" Kankuro gloated.

"Gentle Fist!"

"Wha…?"

"Gentle Fist!"

After she severed the second chakra string, Kankuro swiftly moved his puppet out of the way.

"You little brat! I don't know how you did that either, but it doesn't matter! I can see you're bleeding…it won't take long for the poison to work its way through your veins!"

"P-poison?" Hinata glanced at her bleeding arm. The edges of the wound were already turning an angry red.

"So you should forfeit now…before it's too late!"

Hinata settled into a basic jyuuken defensive stance. "So I'll just…have to defeat you quickly."

"Wow, look at Hinata," Tenten said, sounding impressed. "Where'd she get all this fighting spirit?"

"Kick his face in, Hinata!" Naruto called. "Pummel him!"

"She should use the chakra strings," Neji commented. "I wonder if she will realize it?"

"Chakra strings?" Naruto repeated. "How will that help?"

"Even if I explained it to you, it wouldn't make any difference."

"Are you always this stuck up? Seriously!"

"So were you actually giving some useful advice or just winding up Naruto?" Tenten asked, well used to her teammate's ways.

"I was only saying what I would do in her place." Neji frowned as Hinata narrowly dodged a blow. The puppet was overwhelming her.

"Well, I don't understand what you're talking about, but if it will help Hinata, then I don't really care!" Naruto announced. He cupped his hands and bellowed. "Hinata! Use the chakra strings!"

She blinked, gasping for breath as Naruto's words echoed in her ears. What could he mean?

Focusing her vision, she studied the chakra strings. Severing those two had disabled two of the puppet's arms, but it still had far too many left, and if her opponent were taking this battle more seriously she was confident that he could just reattach them.

The chakra strings…went straight to his fingers. They were…a part of his body.

Yes!

Hinata could feel her body slowing down as the poison coursed through her. She would only have one chance, so she had to make it count. She had to show Naruto what kind of a ninja she could be!

She feinted to the left, but the puppet wasn't fooled.

"Silly brat, you already tried that move."

Focus, Hinata. Concentrate.

She studied the puppet. The two arms that hung limply were the puppet's uppermost limbs. So maybe…

Gathering her chakra, Hinata leapt into the air, pushing off the puppet's head. She felt a sharp point go into her foot and cried out sharply. She dropped to one knee, her foot bleeding profusely.

"Haha, Karasu has weapons all over his body. Fool."

Hinata grit her teeth and pushed herself to her feet again. "I won't give up. I…never give up! That's my…ninja way!"

She grabbed the nearest chakra string with both hands. "Gentle…Fist!"

A blaze of blue chakra extended down the string in both directions, lighting it up so even those without the Byakugan could see it.

"What is that!?"

It hit Karasu before Kankuro, and blasted the arm it was attached to clean off.

Seconds later, it hit Kankuro, who gasped in pain and lost control of Karasu.

Hinata dropped to her knees, swaying.

Kankuro trembled, clutching his chest. "What…the hell…kind of blow…was that?" He coughed, spitting blood into his hand.

"Are you still able to fight?" Hayate asked them.

Hinata didn't answer or move. It appeared to be all she could do to stay conscious.

Kankuro made his free hand into a fist and stretched one leg out behind him in an obvious defensive stance.

"Hmm. Well, as Hinata is unable to continue the fight, I'm calling this match in favor of Kankuro."

Two medics sprinted for the Hyuuga heiress, but Naruto and Neji were faster.

"Hinata-chan, you kicked ass!" Naruto shouted with his usual exuberance, though his supporting arm was gentle.

Hinata smiled at him, the cheers of all her (conscious) peers ringing in her ears. She'd never been more embarrassed in her life. No one ever paid this much attention to shy little Hinata, with her second-rate skills. But at the same time—she was happier than she'd ever been.

"Naruto…" she whispered, coughing weakly.

"I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this," Neji said. "She _is_ a Hyuuga."

Okay, _now_ she was happier than she'd ever been before.

And with that, she passed out.

"Wasn't _that_ impressive," Kankuro muttered.

Neji's eyes narrowed. "If she hadn't collapsed from the poison before she could finish her attack, her strike would have been fatal."

Naruto cracked his knuckles. "I'd be happy to beat a little respect into that thick skull of yours."

Then Gaara appeared in front of them.

"Kankuro."

"Y—yes…Gaara?"

"You're an embarrassment to the village. Move before I have to move you."

Kankuro moved—right into the path of a determined medic.

"Obviously you know little about the Hyuuga clan," the medic informed him, forcefully escorting him towards the makeshift hospital. "Now hurry up before you die."

Naruto and Gaara locked gazes; the former too stubborn to back down, the latter too surprised by this unexpected event to know how to react.

Hayate coughed. "Everyone who's still conscious, the Hokage has an announcement to make."

Gaara teleported away without breaking eye contact, a neat trick, and Neji elbowed Naruto in a doomed effort to inspire some reasonableness in the younger boy.

They joined their fellow genin in a loose half-circle around the Hokage. They were a sorry, beat-up bunch by this time, and not in the mood for inspirational speeches. Everyone imitated Shikamaru, half-dozing as the Hokage explained the purpose of these exams.

No one was too tired to give Gaara a very wide berth, though.

Finally, they received numbers that would determine their placement in the one-on-one tournament that made up the finals, Sasuke smacked Naruto for complaining about the month-long wait, and all the jounin-sensei turned up to see how their students had done and escort them safely out of the Forest.

"Gai-sensei!" Neji shouted. Lee closed his mouth with a snap, looking confused.

"Lee! How did you—wait, Neji? You're very enthusiastic today. Has the power of your youth finally inspired you?"

"Ah, Kakashi-sensei! Wait until you here how I did! I was totally cooler than Sasuke, believe it!"

"Never mind that now!"

"Geez, Neji, you're such a wet blanket."

"I have something I need to report!"

"So do I!" Sasuke interrupted. "Of critical importance to the safety of the village!"

"Sasuke, you realize that I was there…" Kakashi said, unimpressed. "Also, you shouldn't be talking about this in front of others."

"No, something else happened!" Naruto chimed in.

"Are you serious?"

"Believe it!"

"Sasuke, what happened?"

"Hey, why not ask me?" Naruto whined.

"That sound trio—they're all with the medics right now—are agents of Orochimaru!"

"Are you sure?" the Hokage demanded.

"Positive. They mentioned him by name and that they were sent after me specifically."

"Well, we'll have to take them into custody…"

"Doesn't anyone care what I have to say?" Neji asked, very sourly.

"This Orochimaru business really takes priority…"

"That other Konoha team that made it to the preliminaries are also traitors!"

"What!?"

"And what's more, that Kabuto guy was definitely killed by Sabaku no Gaara during the exam. I saw it with my own eyes!"

All eyes turned to Gaara.

"Which one was that?" he asked.

"Geez, how many people did you kill, anyway?" Ino demanded.

"I'm not sure."

"I believe that," Neji muttered. Then, more loudly: "I was certain enough of what I saw that I set out to kill my opponent, who was a part of that team. And whether his 'death' was an illusion or not, the fact that he was a traitor is not a question. He too mentioned Orochimaru by name."

The Hokage exhaled heavily, resting his head in his hands. "Is there anyone in this exam who is not an agent of Orochimaru's, or Orochimaru himself?"

Again, all eyes shifted to Gaara, the only stranger in their midst.

He stared back impassively.

"Well, _I'm_ not!" Naruto volunteered, breaking the stalemate.

"This is not a matter for genin. Everyone who encountered anything unusual during the exam, please form a line and I will debrief each of you in turn. Rest assured that I will conduct a full investigation. As for the rest of you, you are dismissed."


	14. Taking a Breather

A/N: Almost 50 reviews! Thanks so much everyone! Hope you're enjoying the story!

* * *

It took a long time, but eventually the genin were released and left the cursed forest. The medics absolutely forbade any visits with friends and teammates for at least two days, either to protect classified information or to promote relaxation, so they primarily occupied themselves with showering or speculating about who they could ask for more training.

Sasuke headed straight for his sensei.

"I know you're one if those in charge of my brother. Tell me where he is."

"Sasuke, the ANBU are handling the interrogation."

"Where is he?"

* * *

"You need to focus on preparing for the next part of the exam. Do you even know who you're up against?"

"Where is he?"

Naruto scrunched his face up. The Hokage had been very concerned about his description of the fight with Orochimaru, and surprisingly not the part where Itachi, the Nidaime and the Shodaime showed up.

No, the old man was fixated on the one time Orochimaru sucker-punched him, which had to be the least creepy or damaging thing the freak had done the whole time.

Whatever; who knew what motivated old geezers like that?

So now Naruto was wandering the village, looking for some legendary ninja who was supposed to do something that had not been explained to Naruto. And all he had to go on was that he 'might' be at the hot springs.

Naruto surreptitiously sniffed himself. Well, he could do with a bath anyway.

But when he arrived at the hot springs, there was some kind of a ruckus.

Naruto hesitated when he saw that it was on the _women's_ side of the bathhouse, but, he reasoned, it's not like he was going _inside_ or anything, just going around the corner to take a perfectly innocent look at who could disrupt the peace of Konoha more than he could…

When he rounded the corner, Naruto's mouth fell open.

That Ebisu guy was delivering one of his boring-as-hell lectures about "propriety" and "disreputable behavior" to some old dude who was both ignoring him entirely and blatantly peeping on the women's bathing area.

Naruto, who had some experience with righteous female wrath after a few ill-advised uses of his Oiroke no Jutsu, edged away.

And then a frog the size of a small house appeared out of nowhere and pitched Ebisu into the river.

"Wow!" Naruto exclaimed, delighted. "That was so cool!"

The old pervert flashed him a bright smile that rivaled Bushy Brow's. "Why, thank you!"

Forgetting the danger (and his mission), Naruto ran over to inspect the toad. "Where did it come from?"

"What, never seen a summon before, kid?"

"Oh, yeah… Hey, who are you?"

"Haha! I'm glad you asked! I am the hermit of Mount Myuboku, the great Toad Mountain Sage!" He struck an outrageous pose.

"Toad Sage? Wait, are you Jiraiya?"

"Why yes! I see you've heard of me! Perhaps my fame as a writer of great works has spread?"

"Writer…?"

To Naruto's horror, Jiraiya whipped out a volume of Icha Icha Paradise. "Witness, my very first masterpiece!"

"Ahh! You write that perverted trash that Kakashi-sensei's always reading!?"

"What! It's not trash! …though Kakashi has always been one of my biggest fans…"

"I can't believe you're the one I'm supposed to be looking for!"

"Hmm…looking for me? That sounds like it's going to end with my being in charge of something, and I'm really terribly busy at the moment. Research for my book, you understand. Later!"

The infuriating old pervert summoned a giant wind from nowhere and _flew_ to a nearby rooftop, waving jauntily and shouting about research.

A vein twitched in Naruto's temple as two reactions fought for dominance: irritation and awe. His mission was unceremoniously forgotten.

"That was _awesome_! That guy might be a dirty old man, but he's a top ninja! Hey! Maybe he'll show me how to do that!" Naruto took off running into the village.

* * *

"Where is he?"

"Seriously Sasuke, don't you have anything else to do?"

* * *

Three unsuccessful ambushes and one frustrating episode where he was trapped in a basket later, Naruto finally cornered that perverted "Toad Sage."

"Oi! Ero-Sennin!"

"What did you call me?"

"Show me some jutsu!"

"Not a chance, brat. I don't like kids."

"Well, at least tell me what the Hokage wants from you."

"How the hell should I know? You're the one who talked to him."

"I don't speak old people! You have to translate!"

"What did you say?"

"He's all in a fit because Orochimaru punched me!"

"…you fought Orochimaru? And he _punched_ you?"

"That's what I just said! If you would just _listen_ to me…"

"Huh. Punching isn't really his style. Are you sure that's what happened?"

Naruto sputtered. "Of-of course I'm sure! It was right here!" He pushed his jumpsuit down.

"Uh…I don't know what you've heard, but I'm only into girls."

"Wha…shut up, pervert! It's nothing like that!" Naruto turned bright red as he tried to keep his pants up and lift the hem of his shirt at the same time.

"Wait, on your stomach? Are you sure?"

"I just told you I was sure!"

"Strip down to your boxers and I'll take a look."

Naruto considered this sudden change in attitude with deep suspicion. "So…you know what the Hokage meant…and you're actually going to accept the responsibility? Why have I been chasing you around all day then? What gives?"

"I'll have you know that I'm _very_ res—well, okay, not really, but this is important. Now get moving!"

Naruto shrugged, then slowly removed his outer clothing. "I'm not sure what the big deal is. There isn't even a bruise."

"Eh?" Jiraiya mumbled, not really listening.

"See? It's just skin. Yaah, that tickles!"

"Hmph. Wimp. Gather your chakra."

"What? Why?"

"Because I said so! Stop being such a pain in the ass!"

Naruto scowled but obeyed.

Jiraiya hummed thoughtfully, poking him repeatedly while Naruto valiantly attempted not to giggle.

And then Jiraiya socked him right in the gut.

"Gah!"

"There you go, good as new. Now, I'm off."

"W-what the hell did you do?" Naruto gasped. "Did the Hokage…really ask you to…punch me again?"

"Geez kid, you really are clueless, aren't you?"

"I'm not clueless! You sound just like Sasuke! Just because I don't know all the clever tricks and didn't get the best grades and apparently have shitty chakra control isn't going to stop me! I'm going to win this exam, and beat Sasuke, and then…I'm going to be Hokage! Believe it!"

Jiraiya regarded the finger pointed right between his eyes. "Hmm. Hokage, huh? A brat like you?"

Naruto sputtered.

"Sounds to me like you don't have a whole lot going for you."

"Doesn't matter! I'll work hard and beat all the challenges, believe it! Because I never give up! That's my ninja way!"

"Is that right?"

"It is! And hey—I invented my own jutsu!"

"What, already?"

"Haha, yep! Prepare to be amazed! Oiroke no Jutsu!"

The sort of look that crossed the old pervert's face wasn't the one that should be seen in public. Or at all. Ever. He laughed in a perverted, creepy way and his nose bled profusely.

"Don't you like it?" Naruko simpered.

"Wow, kid, this is one amazing technique!"

"No touching!" Naruko squealed, turning back into Naruto. "See? Not everyone can create a jutsu before they even graduate."

"Yeah, you've got some real talent there!" Jiraiya enthused, a glazed look in his eyes.

"Haha, right! Now all I have to do is convince Kakashi-sensei to train me and I'll beat the finals, no problem!"

"Huh. I would have expected him to train the Uchiha brat."

"What!? Sasuke? Why does everyone only care about Sasuke!?"

Jiraiya took a deep breath, then slowly let it out. He eyed the loud-mouthed idiot determined to beat his smarter and more talented teammates through sheer pigheadedness.

"I suppose…I could show you a few tricks with chakra control," he offered, very reluctantly.

"Really!? No lie?"

"When I'm not busy. I _do_ have things to do around here, top-secret ninja things, so you'll have to do a lot of practicing on your own."

"More research?" Naruto asked suspiciously.

"No! Remember the threat to the village?"

"Oh yeah…"

"Hey, I'm a very important person, I'll have you know."

"Right, whatever. But you'll train me, you really mean it?"

"…I suppose you need all the help you can get."

"Hey!"

* * *

"Hey Kakashi, did you know you've got a kid following you around?"

"Why thank you Gai, how would Konoha survive without your superior observational skills?"

"Where is he?"

* * *

Naruto was practically skipping when he almost walked right into Sasuke outside their apartment.

"Whoa!"

"Hnn."

Naruto squinted. Sasuke was brooding—no surprise there—and appeared to still be in his same clothes from the prelims. Of course, so was Naruto, but Sasuke was generally a lot more concerned with things like hygiene, and the medics had compromised by giving him a "functional" cast this time, in hopes he would actually leave it on. He tilted his head questioningly.

"It's nothing," Sasuke insisted.

"Uh huh."

"I just thought I'd clean up before resuming my stalk—mission."

Naruto was all set to argue when he heard another argument nearby—from inside their apartment, in fact. He signaled Sasuke to be on his guard. Sasuke snapped out of his funk to take a defensive position at Naruto's back—though not, of course, without a furious, nonverbal argument over who should get to take point.

Kicking the door open (and thereby winning the staring contest!), Naruto tumbled in to see…Neji and Hinata standing in the living room/kitchen. They both turned to stare at him for his dramatic entrance.

"Uh, sorry," Naruto said awkwardly. "Forgot you guys were here. Thought we had more assassins."

"How could you forget, it's been less than a week!" Sasuke scolded him, exasperated. "When you panicked I thought there was actually something wrong."

"Well, with you getting attacked every time we turn around, it's no wonder I was a little paranoid!"

"I don't need protecting by _you_!"

"That's not what you said the night before the exam!"

"I didn't say anything, I was unconscious!"

"Exactly!"

"That doesn't make any sense!"

"H-hello, Naruto-kun," Hinata interrupted.

"Oh, you guys are still here," Naruto said.

Sasuke's eye twitched.

"In fact, why are you here at all?" Naruto asked Neji.

"They administered an antidote and determined that, with how crowded the hospital has been lately, Hinata-sama could recuperate at home. The Hyuuga clan has a private medical facility within the compound that is more than adequate to handle her recovery." Neji glared at his cousin. "Or it _would_ be, if she would just consent to accompany me back."

Naruto wasn't listening. He practically jumped on Hinata, feeling her forehead. "What happened? Are you okay?"

Sasuke grabbed him by the back of his jacket and hauled him back before he knocked Hinata over in his worry. "Stop being such a mother hen, dobe. She had a tough fight today. Puppets, poison, catsuits…any of this ringing a bell?"

"She should go lie down," Naruto insisted, straining to escape.

"Yes, that's what I was saying, before you interrupted," Neji said, sounding annoyed.

"So…what's the problem?"

"She won't leave!"

"Wait, what?"

"Do you ever listen? I _just said_ that I was here to escort her back to the compound."

Naruto was a bit slow on the uptake, but he did remember Hinata's tragic face and pathetic gratitude at being permitted to crash on his kitchen floor instead of her own nice room. "Well, does she want to go?"

Hinata shook her head.

"Well, there you go. She's a ninja now, and an adult. She can make her own decisions."

Neji looked frustrated. "What are you talking about? Even if Hyuuga-sama hadn't expressly ordered her to return, this situation would still be completely unacceptable. I am not going to tell him that she's decided to move in with two unmarried boys."

"Unmarried!" Naruto squeaked. "We're twelve!"

Sasuke ignored him and frowned. "He does have a point, Naruto. It's not like she can just camp out here forever. And even if she could, where does that leave Neji?"

"What do you mean?" Hinata asked.

Naruto kicked his roommate. "Shut up."

Sasuke glared at him. "You _know_ that's a problem, Naruto. What's your brilliant solution then?"

"Uh…it's taken him this long to even start looking, so maybe he won't notice if Hinata doesn't come back?" He wilted under the force of three incredulous looks. "Aww…"

"My clan is—used to be—traditional, too," Sasuke suggested slowly. "Can't she live outside the compound if she has a chaperone?"

"Well, first of all, Hyuuga-sama would still have to approve that, which he won't. And second, who would possibly want to leave perfectly serviceable clan accommodations to live in some trashy apartment on a genin's salary?"

Sasuke just looked at him.

"No. No way. I am not leaving the compound."

"Wait, are you inviting him to live with us?" Naruto demanded. "Because I think as a roommate I should have veto power over that. He thinks I'm stupid!"

"Wait—you meant live _here_? That's even worse!"

"That's because you _are_ stupid! And what, you're the only one allowed to bring home strays?"

"I am not a stray!" Neji said hotly, at the same time Naruto shouted "Hinata-chan is not a stray!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Whatever, idiot. You can't just do whatever you feel like."

"Is anyone even listening to me?"

"I'm listening to you, Neji-nii-san."

Naruto tackled Sasuke and they wrestled furiously for several minutes.

"You really stayed here?" Neji asked Hinata, when it became apparent that they had been completely forgotten. Again.

"Yes."

"How could you be happy here? I mean—just _look_ at them. They're insane."

"W-well. They treat me…they don't treat me like a f-f-failure, or a disappointment. They don't even treat me like the heiress. Here, I'm just Hinata. And they like just Hinata. Well, Naruto-kun does. Sasuke-san is very quiet. But he still treats me just like he treats everyone else. It's…nice."

Neji was silent.

Naruto and Sasuke finally concluded their fight—and almost started another one over who had been the victor—and got to their feet.

"We agreed that you both can stay if you really want to," Naruto said grudgingly. "But Neji has to sleep on the couch. We'll bring in another bed for Hinata and she can have my room. And—" he gulped, reminding himself that this was for one of his precious people, and a future Hokage must be prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice "—Sasuke and I will share a room. We can squeeze both beds in there if we're not too picky about having space to move around in."

Sasuke opened his mouth to protest.

"Unless you _want_ to share with Neji. Because I am nothing if not a supportive and open-minded friend."

Sasuke shut his mouth with an audible click and advanced on Naruto, aura crackling with menace.

Neji bravely stepped in between them. "When exactly did you come to this decision? You were just punching and insulting each other."

Naruto shrugged. "That's how we decide stuff."

"…you know what, never mind. There's no way I'm staying here, and there's no way Hyuuga-sama will simply not notice that the two of us are missing. Your 'solution' doesn't actually solve anything."

"You know…Bushy Brow was going on about some epic training trip he had scheduled for this month…" Naruto mused aloud.

"Are you talking about Lee? He and Gai-sensei are leaving the village for the next few weeks to concentrate more fully on their training. It's just the sort of thing that would appeal to those two."

"Well…I don't see why you or Hinata couldn't do the same thing."

"I can't because Gai-sensei is already taking Lee, and it would entirely defeat the purpose of surprising one's opponent with new techniques if we all train together. And Kurenai-sensei would never be able to get permission to take the Hyuuga heiress out of the village for an entire month on her own. Besides, Hinata isn't even in the finals."

"That's no reason that Hinata couldn't take this time to train and improve herself for the next exam!" Naruto insisted. "Besides...you seem to know all the details about everyone's training situation…but does her father?"

There was a long silence.

"You mean…lie?" Hinata squeaked.

"It's not really _lying_…you _would_ be training, and it's not like you wouldn't be perfectly safe…"

Both Hinata and Neji seemed on the verge of having heart attacks. Obviously neither of them was particularly rebellious.

"That couldn't possibly work…" Neji said finally.

"Why not? It sounds like he's not terribly interested in what the two of you are doing," Naruto pointed out frankly.

"My primary duty is to guard Hinata-sama, so if she were out of the compound…I suppose it would be acceptable for me to focus on my own training…" Neji shook his head sharply. "No. What am I even saying? This is insane."

"We would be happy to have you here, Hinata-chan," Naruto said, kicking Sasuke sharply in case he decided to be an ass, as usual. Naruto recognized that look in Hinata's eyes right before the exam, the frustrated confusion that no one ever seemed to want you around—he didn't know why she had a look like that, but he was determined that she never have cause to wear it ever again.

Neji frowned as something almost imperceptible shifted in Hinata's stance. Naruto's words had reached her, even though she'd never so much as raised her head in her father's presence in her entire life. His own stance unconsciously grew more stubborn.

Naruto racked his brain, trying to think of something that might get through to Neji. Too bad he didn't speak uptight bastard any better than he spoke old people…

"You're not seriously going to look at this opportunity for a whole month of freedom and just walk right back into a cage?" Sasuke asked scornfully.

Neji's spine went rigid.

"Plus, bonus: if you stay here, you won't have to be the one to break the news to Hinata's dad," Naruto added, hoping Sasuke's stupid comments wouldn't blow this for Hinata.

"I suppose…I could give it a try," Neji said slowly.

Naruto just about fell over. Maybe Sasuke did know what he was talking about. He was _also_ an uptight bastard, after all.

The two Hyuuga looked at each other. Hinata was hyperventilating, and Neji appeared to be doing the same, just more subtly.

"I will have to tell Kurenai-sensei the plan," Hinata mumbled, looking terrified at the very idea. "And-and father…"

Neji cut her off. "I will tell Hyuuga-sama. And you will—should—let Mouse tell Kurenai-sensei. You are not a skilled liar, Hinata-sama. Mouse will think of a convincing story, and her primary loyalty is to you. Gai-sensei has already departed, so there should be no problem there—except that I cannot be seen about the village. An occasional appearance could be excused as a supply run, but I will have to find a remote, private training ground…"

Naruto let out the breath he had been holding. This was really going to happen. He had done something to really help Hinata—and Neji, not that he particularly cared about that—and now that Neji was bossing everyone else around it was as good as done.

Except for one thing.

"If Neji can't be seen in public, that's going to ruin my whole plan of eating out every night," he whined.

"I refuse to eat instant ramen for every meal," Sasuke immediately chimed in.

"Like you're one to talk! All you eat are those microwavable pre-made meals and sliced vegetables! It's a crime!"

"If by 'crime' you mean actually containing vital nutrients! And really, the pre-made meals are much better than those ration bars we take on short-term missions…"

The genin all shuddered—Neji a bit more than the rest, as memories of the exam were still all too fresh.

Hinata looked at the floor, biting her lip. "I-I'm sorry…I'm afraid…I'd never really been in a kitchen before I came here…I can make rice, if you wanted…"

Naruto stared. He knew Hinata's circumstances were far above his own, but not quite _that_ far. Suddenly he felt bad for making her sleep on the floor.

Slowly, three pairs of eyes shifted to Neji, who had remained silent.

"Actually…" Hinata said quietly, looking surprised at her own daring "…Neji-nii-san is an excellent cook."

Neji glared at her.

Naruto was thrilled. "All right! Glad to have you onboard, Neji! I totally take back all that stuff I said about you! Or maybe I just thought it? How many kinds of ramen can you make? Huh?"

"I already regret this…"

* * *

After almost forty minutes stalker-free, Kakashi dared to take a shower.

"Where is he?"

"Yaah!"

* * *

In the small hotel designated for the sand ninja, Baki and Kankuro sat by Temari's bedside. A few quick blows to his chakra points left Kankuro sore but out of any danger, but Temari hit her head after the wave swept her up and she wasn't as quick to bounce back.

After weighing the possibility of Gaara getting pissed at her perceived failure and storming the hospital against his being deterred by the presence of others, they decided it was best to treat her back at the hotel.

Maybe they could talk Gaara around.

Besides, if he did storm the hospital, the entire plan would be blown all to hell, and facing the wrath of the Kazekage and this Orochimaru character he'd allied himself with was worse than an annoyed Gaara.

Probably.

Possibly.

Anyway, Gaara had been in a weird mood since the exam started, between his inexplicably falling asleep in the written and ditching his siblings to go on a rampage in the forest. It was best not to test him.

They all held their breath as Gaara's distinctive footsteps echoed down the hall. He walked almost silently, but all three of them had developed a sixth sense for when Gaara was near. Baki spared a moment to regret that Temari had woken up in time for this. If she was about to die, it would have been better for to sleep through it. The rest of the sand delegation had long since found somewhere else to be, preferably on the other side of the village.

The door slid open and Gaara shuffled in. He crossed the room and dug through Temari's pack, then Kankuro's. Neither of them said a word, not even when Temari's underwear ended up draped over a lamp. Gaara eventually found what he was looking for, which turned out to be one of those flat cakes that had no taste but kept forever, a last ditch source of calories for a desperate shinobi.

He turned and shuffled back out, closing the door behind him.

Three slightly purple ninja gasped for air.

"I suppose…he probably doesn't actually care about the plan…" Kankuro said slowly.

"And it's not like he's ever shown any particular interest in our successes or failures before," Temari said, agreeing. She lurched to her feet and stuffed her clothes back into her pack.

"We will have to look into whether he actually killed one of our allies during the exam," Kankuro said, mind starting to function again now that the threat to his sister was over. "That could be awkward. And since you're not in the finals, you can be in charge of scouting out the competition."

Temari scowled, and the two siblings laughed nervously at this return to familiar sniping.

Baki had one last thing to add. "Did the two of you forget to feed him again? You really have to stop doing that!"

"Baki-sensei, he's not a dog!"

* * *

"Kakashi, what is he doing here?"

"You think you can get him to leave, you're welcome to try."

Sasuke faced down the ANBU impassively.

"…fine. You can explain it to the Hokage."

"Is he already in there?" Kakashi asked, jerking his chin at the door.

"Where is he?"

"Sasuke, you've won already, just stop saying that!"

"No," Sasuke said stubbornly. "You said he was in the ANBU holding cells. This is a hospital."

Kakashi sighed and dragged him into the room. Miraculously, Sasuke actually shut up. He went to speak to the Hokage, who was indeed standing by Itachi's bedside.

"…is he going to be okay?"

Both men cast sharp glances at the uncharacteristically small and vulnerable tone. Sasuke walked up to his brother's bedside and carefully reached around the breathing tube and heart monitors to touch a pale cheek.

"He's cold," he said.

Kakashi stared. Sasuke had never even hinted in his presence that Itachi still meant so much to him. He probably should have at least warned the kid—even if he was being a pain in the ass—but he was so on fire to see his brother dead that it honestly hadn't occurred to Kakashi that there would be any problem beyond holding him back. Now, however…

"He is very ill," Sarutobi said gently, in that grandfatherly way he had. "The doctors…aren't quite sure what's wrong with him. His body seems to just be…giving up."

"Was he hurt in the fight?"

"Superficially. Most of the blood seems to have come from his eyes, though again, we're not sure why. He also has what we think might be an advanced form of tuberculosis, though why he left it untreated so long is also a mystery."

Sasuke was quiet for a moment. "Do you think he really was trying to save me?" he asked finally.

"We won't know until he wakes up."

Sasuke nodded, then turned and left.

"Shouldn't that be _if_ he wakes up?" Kakashi asked.

Sarutobi sighed. "No reason to worry him needlessly. He _might _wake up on his own."

"So you've had no luck convincing your student to have a look at him?"

"It would take a miracle to get Tsunade to set foot in a hospital again."


	15. Training Begins

Naruto turned up bright and early and eager to learn the next morning.

Hours ticked by, and there was still no sign of his alleged 'sensei.'

Just when he was starting to wish it was Kakashi-sensei he was waiting for, Jiraiya finally turned up.

"Ero-Sennin! Where have you been?"

"Oh, well…I was just scouting out a good place to train! And don't call me that!"

Grumbling the whole way, Naruto followed the man across half the village to a nearby river.

"So you said your chakra control is pathetic—"

"That's not exactly what I said…"

"—so today I'm going to teach you to walk on water!"

Naruto folded his arms across his chest. "You don't seriously expect me to believe you can do that. No one could walk on water!"

"What!? You doubt the great Toad Mountain Sage?"

"Don't seem so great to me…"

"Hmph." Jiraiya calmly walked over to the river, then out onto its surface. "What do you call that, then?"

Naruto's jaw dropped. "Whoa!"

"Ok, now close your eyes and take a deep breath."

Naruto obeyed instantly.

"Now I want you to run out as fast as you can."

"Right! This will be a piece of cake! Here I go!"

Naruto sprinted into the river, dumb luck or sheer momentum keeping him on the surface for a few steps.

Then, of course, he fell in.

"Aaah! That's cold!"

Naruto came up sputtering, furious when he saw his 'sensei' rolling around laughing, somehow _still_ on the surface of the water.

"That was a dirty trick, pervert!"

"Ah haha, sorry kid, couldn't resist. I mean, how often do you meet someone _that_ dumb?"

Naruto scowled and began swimming out, fully intending to test how long Jiraiya could stay out of the water with a dozen shadow clones dragging him down.

"Now, now, none of that."

Naruto suddenly found himself riding a small tidal wave back to shore. He looked up to see Jiraiya grinning down at him.

"Okay, here's what you actually need to do. It's like tree climbing—I assume even your lazy sensei would have taught you that by now?—you start by gathering chakra in your feet, then just walk out. Water-walking is on a more advanced level because the surface is always changing, so the amount of chakra you need to put in changes, too."

"Oh, I get it!"

A few seconds later, there was another splash.

"Hey! Are you just messing with me again?"

"Sorry kid, you just suck."

"Hey!"

"And keep your voice down!"

Naruto's eyes narrowed. Jiraiya wasn't even looking in his direction. He crept over and peered through the bushes at…a bunch of civilian girls playing volleyball in the water. He rolled his eyes.

"What are you doing? Go train!"

Feeling like he'd gotten a raw deal, Naruto went back to his part of the river.

* * *

Interestingly, Sasuke was undergoing the same training only a few hundred yards downstream.

After recovering from his shock at Kakashi actually showing up only twenty minutes late, the Uchiha followed his sensei to possibly the best lesson the man had ever given him.

Sasuke was suspicious.

"You're so cynical!"

His expression didn't waver.

"Well, the Hokage might have had a few words with me about allowing you to compete in the exams in your condition, and made it very clear that you are not to put any more strain on your arms until they have completely healed. And if not, I can have 24-hour guard duty during your next hospital stay." And, he added mentally, letting you sit and stew over the Itachi situation until you heal is an idea on par with 'hmm, I wonder what this big red button does.'

Sasuke nodded. That made sense—enlightened self-interest.

After an hour, Kakashi had him running through the footwork of the first kata on the water's surface, which was difficult enough without his arms for balance, let alone while clinging to the uneven surface with chakra. At least he wasn't lurching around like he had during his prelim fight.

Sasuke grit his teeth as a particularly large wave appeared right as he needed to shift his weight, sending him back into the water. The "waterproof" cast was certainly being tested today.

Kakashi hauled him up by his shirt collar—again—with a cheerful grin—still.

"What is going on upstream that's causing all these disturbances?" Sasuke grumbled.

"It's good practice," Kakashi insisted.

Sasuke scowled.

"Well, perhaps this is too much, too soon. The lesson plan Iruka-sensei loaned me suggests a week of water-walking before trying forms."

Sasuke blinked. "Hmph. Who needs a week?" He settled into a front stance.

Kakashi hid his amusement behind his mask.

* * *

If Kurenai was surprised to find herself training the two members of her team who _hadn't_ made the finals, she didn't say anything about it.

"Kiba, I really think you should still be in the hospital!" Hinata fretted.

"No way! Not after that fight! I'm going to train all out, and next time we fight, Rock Lee is going down!"

"Are you sure _you_ shouldn't be in the hospital, Hinata?" Kurenai asked, eyeing her pale student with concern.

"I-I am all right. I am just supposed to take it easy for a few days."

"Hey, where's Shino?" Kiba asked, finally realizing that of all of them, Shino should be the most concerned about training just now.

"Oh, he's training with his father for the month. I expect they'll be studying some of the Aburame secret techniques."

Kiba nodded. That made sense.

"Well, since the two of you are both injured, we'll work on our chakra control for the next few days. After that, I have some endurance training exercises I borrowed from a colleague of mine—Maito Gai, in fact. Now, now, it's far too late to run away…"

* * *

Hinata and Naruto crossed paths on the way back to the apartment and decided to walk together. She politely didn't ask why he was soaking wet.

When they got inside, they both froze. It looked like a woodshop had exploded all over the living area.

"Uh…" Naruto managed.

Sasuke's head appeared from the kitchen. "Oh, you're back. Good, you can put this together."

"What is it?" Hinata asked, toeing a plank of wood.

"It's a bed. Obviously."

"You bought a bed?" Naruto demanded.

"Oh, that must have been so expensive!" Hinata worried.

"Have either of you ever actually bought a piece of furniture? There's no way I could afford any sort of bed, even if I were inclined to spend my own money on this ridiculous scheme of yours, Naruto, which I assure you I am not."

"So…you stole it?" Naruto asked, confused.

"No! …it's mine. Sort of."

"Wait, you carried this from the _Uchiha compound_?" Naruto demanded, finally making the connection. "That's all the way on the other side of the village? What, did you balance it on your head?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Neji helped—a _little_—to disassemble it and break it into manageable loads—with straps—then it was just a matter of time. It's no different than strength training, except it's actually productive."

"But that must have taken hours! Why didn't I see you?"

"Obviously you're not very observant. And it didn't take _that_ long."

"Why didn't you—I don't know, ask for help!?"

"It wasn't that heavy, just awkward. And if you recall, Neji did help. But just a little! Besides, the cat finally had to get off my head."

Naruto's eyes bulged. "The…cat…"

"Are—are you sure you don't mind?" Hinata asked, not wanting to impose any more than she already was.

"Sure enough to haul the damn thing across half the village," Sasuke muttered, toning down his hostility a little. He kicked Naruto, who was still standing there in a daze. "Well? I'm kind of lacking in fine motor skills at the moment." He waved his arms.

Naruto grumbled, but he and Hinata set to work trying to assemble the thing.

Two hours later, Neji returned.

"Do I even want to know what you're doing?"

"I really don't think that goes there, Naruto…" Hinata tried, with just as much success as her previous attempts to guide Naruto's wild enthusiasm toward more productive channels.

Sasuke had already given up in disgust.

"No…I will get this right!" Naruto insisted.

Neji rolled his eyes. "Just stop before you break something."

Naruto scowled.

"And just out of curiosity—if you had succeeded in putting it together, how were you planning on getting it through the bedroom door?"

"Oh, uh…"

"Never mind. Give me that screwdriver."

It took all evening, two rounds of instant ramen and one forced mission for Naruto to find clean sheets—and get out of everyone's way—but the bed was finally ready for sleeping.

Hinata would sleep in Naruto's old room at Sasuke's insistence ("I'm not going to sleep staring at pictures of ramen for the discernible future" "Shut up!") and with much cursing on Naruto's part and exasperated glaring on Neji's they got Naruto's single bed into Sasuke's room.

Sasuke couldn't really participate in the lifting or the construction, but he did manage to dump Naruto's stuff on his bed—the side _without_ the window, Naruto noticed. It was a little cramped with both beds and all of their things (minus Naruto's posters), but it wasn't like either boy planned on using the room for anything other than sleeping.

Neji made up the couch—fortunately much nicer than the one in Naruto's previous apartment—and the four genin settled in to sleep.

* * *

"Sensei! You have to train me!"

Ino raised an eyebrow and Chouji's mouth fell open, half-chewed food now on display.

"Eww!" Ino squealed.

Asuma recovered from his coughing fit to regard his student incredulously.

"Shikamaru…_you_ want me to train you? You hate training. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I saw you training."

"Yeah, yeah…"

"And hey," Ino interrupted, "wasn't your dad going to train you this month?"

Shikamaru shuddered. "Exactly. My mom hasn't stopped bugging him about it. She actually threw us out of the house today."

Asuma sighed. "So now you're here…hoping to get out of training?"

"Of course not. I'm looking for support from my team! We train together…"

"Name one time," Ino sniped.

Chouji snickered.

"I think I resent that…are you trying to say I'm not a good sensei?"

"You're the best sensei," all three genin said earnestly.

Somehow, Asuma wasn't sure that was actually a compliment.

* * *

Tenten was annoyed. Her entire team had ditched her, even though she made the finals just as much as the other two. Actually, her accomplishment was even more impressive, since she was the only kunoichi to pass the prelims!

Okay, so she might have expected this kind of behavior from Gai and Lee, who were always off in their own little crazy world, but she was extremely pissed at Neji right now.

And with all the ninja in the village running around after this Orochimaru character, it's not like there were jounin just sitting around waiting for bright young students to fall into their laps.

"Oof!"

"Hey, watch where you're going, brat!"

Tenten glared—she was the one who was just run over here!—then flinched when she saw it was that crazy woman from the second exam. "Oh, uh…sorry about that!" She started to edge away.

"Now wait a minute! Just where are you going in such a hurry anyway?"

Tenten was not in the mood to be polite just then. "Well actually, I'm going nowhere, now that my stupid team has run off somewhere and left me hanging!" She punched a nearby wall, her fist going straight through. "Uh…oops."

The woman grinned, showing teeth that seemed unnaturally sharp. "Ditched you, eh?"

"Yes, those jerks!"

"So…who are you again?"

"Argh! I'm Tenten! I'm the number one kunoichi of my year and the only girl to make it to the finals of the chuunin exam! And I'm going to be as strong as Tsunade-sama someday, and no one is ever going to forget my name or leave me behind again!" She heaved in a few breaths, fists clenched at her side.

"Needed to get that off your chest?" the woman asked mildly.

"Uh…apparently," Tenten muttered, suddenly embarrassed.

"Well, I like you. You've got spirit. I'm not allowed to participate in this Orochimaru hunt—despite being one of the most qualified to find him, damn the Hokage anyway—and I'm not really busy. So how about it? Care to train with me for a few weeks?" She made no effort to make her expression less sadistic.

Tenten shuddered. "Well, I suppose I don't really have a choice—"

"Great! You'll be my first student!"

"Great," Tenten repeated, with much less enthusiasm.

"I'm Anko by the way, though I expect you probably remember that!"

"Oh right, you had that sign…"

"Haha, you liked that? Ibiki thought it was a little over the top, but he's always such a stick in the mud…"

* * *

Neji was not, in fact, hard at work training with his crazy teammate and crazier sensei. He was training by himself, and as much as their antics irritated him, he was forced to admit that training alone was a poor substitute for his frequent impromptu spars with Lee.

He'd already worked out a routine for practicing his jyuuken, but the two main branch techniques he'd secretly been working out required another person to practice with. And while Tenten would be an ideal partner for training his Kaiten, the fewer people who knew he was still in the village, the better.

The whole situation was very annoying.

He took his frustrations out on a circle of training posts that were now very small piles of sawdust. And he was barely breathing hard.

So he found a particularly tumultuous part of the river and ran through every form he could think of while balanced neatly on the raging water. Maybe he could stand under a waterfall and practice his Kaiten that way…

Then he sensed someone watching him. He surreptitiously activated his Byakugan.

And promptly fell in the river.

Coming up sputtering, he pushed himself back up to stand on the water's surface, squelching over to the shore with as much dignity as he could muster under the circumstances.

Finally, he made it the bank and, after a moment's consideration, began wringing out his clothes. No need to _provoke_ a confrontation.

"You."

"Yes, Gaara?"

There was silence, so Neji turned his head and found Gaara approximately a quarter inch from his face.

"Gah!"

Gaara frowned at him. "Here." He waved something at Neji, which he couldn't see from this angle.

Sparing a thought for how he used to look down on people who used jutsu unnecessarily, Neji activated his Byakugan and looked straight through Gaara's head at…it looked like bread. Or something that had once been bread.

Gaara's frown deepened.

"Is that for me?" Neji asked finally.

Gaara nodded once.

Wondering how he got himself into these situations, Neji reached out and carefully took the bread-like thing, using the opportunity to put a little space between himself and his…companion.

Gaara settled down cross-legged in the grass and stared at him.

As the minutes stretched, Neji began to wonder if he ever needed to blink.

Tentatively, Neji brought the food to his mouth and took a tiny bite. It was revolting, with all the taste of sawdust and the consistency of a kunai. It seemed to have been dropped in the dirt a few times, but that actually improved the flavor. His eyes watered.

Gaara reached out and Neji tensed.

"Good," Gaara said, patting his hair.

Then he left.

Neji blinked once, slowly, then spat out the whatever-it-was.

"Maybe it's not too late to catch Gai-sensei…"

* * *

By the time Naruto and Sasuke stumbled back to their apartment after a long day of training, they were almost completely out of chakra and looking forward to a few mouthfuls of whatever was in the fridge and passing out.

Sasuke stopped to remove his shoes and fight with his cat about what was an appropriate place to sit—namely, anywhere but his head—while Naruto just stumbled into the kitchen. He froze.

"Oh, this is just too perfect," Naruto began, smirking. "If I only had a camera…"

Neji glared at him poisonously and tried to hit him with the spatula, which was still covered in hot grease. "Shut up."

Naruto just snickered. "I love the apron. Very pink. Very you."

This time Neji succeeded in kicking him, sending Naruto flying over the couch and practically into Hinata's lap.

"Ow!"

"Are you all right, Naruto-kun?"

Sasuke finally made it into the room. "Nice apron."

"It's the only one I could find," Neji muttered, flushing. "Making stirfry without some sort of protection is deeply stupid, but I'm starting think I should have just endured the burns—or not bothered."

"Nooo!" Naruto protested dramatically. "I was mostly kidding before, but now that I know you really can cook, I'm never letting you off the hook again."

He was still crushing Hinata, and she gave him a gentle push that sent him tumbling to the floor.

Naruto just lay there for a moment, stunned.

"Oh! I-I'm so sorry!" Hinata cried, her hands fluttering with her distress. "I-I…!"

But Naruto just started laughing. "I'm happy you've decided to join in the fun, Hinata-chan!"

"What?" she asked weakly, hopelessly confused.

"Haven't you seen me interacting with that gloomy bastard over there? Or even Sakura? Friends, or at least _my_ friends, mess around sometimes. It shows we're all comfortable with each other." He poked her shin. "I'll let you off easy this time, but don't think I won't retaliate next time you push me off the couch." He winked.

She gave him an uncertain smile, still not sure if this was actually a good thing.

"Are you seriously contending that when your teammates beat you up that shows you're friends?" Neji demanded. "And one of you get over here and get plates, I'm not a maid."

Sasuke took an unconscious step back from the expression on Naruto's face.

"Why Neji-kun, I had no idea you felt left out," Naruto said, making no attempt to hide his wide smirk.

Neji looked worried. "That's…not what I meant…"

"Too late," Sasuke told him, reaching for a stack of plates. "Nothing left but to take your punishment like a man. Might want to lose the apron, though."

"You guys are the ones who had it lying around!"

* * *

Naruto came awake suddenly, not sure what had woken him. Whatever it was, Sasuke didn't seem to have noticed. All was quiet.

Then a malevolent presence touched the edge of his senses. Deep in his stomach, the Kyuubi stirred restlessly. Well, that didn't completely explain why he was awake, but it did tell him that he'd better figure it out quickly.

Naruto snuck out of his room, emerging into the kitchen. The sand ninja—the crazy one—was standing in the middle of the kitchen, looking creepy as hell in the pale moonlight. He appeared to be watching Neji sleep.

Naruto made a strangled sort of noise.

Neji woke up, eyes going straight to the strange apparition in their midst. He sighed. "Gaara."

A little impressed at his calm, Naruto forced himself to be just as casual. "Uh…tea?"

After watching Naruto hunt desperately through the cabinets, Neji sighed and got up. He set a kettle on to boil and pulled out a handful of tea bags, shaking his head and muttering under his breath at the paltry options. Throughout the entire production, Gaara followed a half step behind him like a silent shadow.

"You know, it's not really polite to break into someone's house in the middle of the night," Naruto whispered loudly, keeping an eye on Sasuke and Hinata's doors.

There was no response from the lurking presence.

Naruto slurped his tea.

"Use your manners, Naruto."

"Gaara doesn't mind, do you Gaara?"

"My father would never waste time teaching such things to a monster."

Naruto blinked slowly. "That's really screwed up."

Neji kicked him.

Instead of getting annoyed and, say, killing everyone in the house, Gaara just nodded. "Yes, I am a monster." Then he looked at Naruto. "And so are you."

Naruto flinched with his whole body, almost falling out of his chair.

Neji merely raised an eyebrow. "Does this have something to do with the fact that both of you have an alternate source of chakra?"

This time Naruto did fall out of his chair.

"You know about that?"

"I can see the foreign chakra."

Naruto fidgeted with his hands, but Gaara didn't look at all inclined to explain. "Well, I don't know about Gaara…but I…have a demon sealed inside me."

"A demon?" Neji frowned.

Naruto held his breath.

"What happens when it gets out?"

"What? It doesn't get out! I mean, my body is like its prison, that's all!"

"So it has no influence over your behavior?" Neji's eyes cut over to Gaara.

"I don't have a demon inside me; I am a demon," Gaara said flatly. "I do have the spirit of my human mother inside me."

"Okay, that's _not_ what I am," Naruto said. "And…are you sure? I always thought demons were…bigger."

Sand swirled around the floor.

"Not that you aren't very impressive," Naruto added hastily. "Even if you are shorter than I am…"

Gaara leaned over the table, clutching his head and snarling.

"Uh…"

"Quiet!" Neji hissed. "I saw him do this once before. Don't distract him, we want him to win this fight."

They sat wide-eyed while Gaara not-so-quietly freaked out, flinching at every sound and afraid Hinata or Sasuke would wake up. Not that the thin walls of the apartment were likely to be much of a barrier against Gaara's sand…

Gaara eventually returned to what passed for normal with him, and took a sip of his tea like nothing had happened.

"Are you…okay?" Naruto ventured.

"Mother makes many demands of me. I am not always as quick to respond as she would like."

"Okay…"

"She wishes to taste your blood."

Neji didn't even blink, to Naruto's annoyance as he spilled the dregs of his tea in his lap.

Gaara took another sip of tea. "But I am curious about you. I can always kill you later."

"Uh…thanks?"

"You said you have a demon inside you," Gaara prompted.

Naruto glanced uneasily at Neji.

"What? I already told you I could sense that there was something different about you."

Naruto winced. "Well…it's supposed to be a secret."

"Since you've already confirmed the demon's existence, I think it's a little late for that."

"Start talking," Gaara ordered. "Or I'll kill you."

"You're just a barrel of sunshine, aren't you," Naruto muttered.

Gaara blinked impassively at him.

"Well…okay, I guess I can tell you. I mean, it's kind of personal, but…when I was a kid, our village was attacked by the Nine-Tailed Fox. In order to save the village, the Yondaime sealed it inside me. For a long time I didn't even know about it. All I knew was that everyone in the village hated me. They would look at me with such coldness in their eyes, such hatred. I wasn't even human to them; I was just a thing. And then finally, just a few months ago, someone finally told me about Kyuubi. I still don't really get it—I mean, I'm not the Fox, I'm Naruto!—but at least there's a reason…why I was all alone…"

Neji shifted uncomfortably. Personal, indeed. He remembered Hyuuga-sama looking down on Naruto—but he looked down on everyone, so it wasn't particularly noteworthy. But to be hated by the entire village…

Gaara leaned forward, his face taking on the first expression either of the other two had seen on him that wasn't homicidal rage. It was interest. "That cold gaze…" he repeated.

"Yeah," Naruto said softly. "That's why…I thought…you were like me. Because the ninja from your village look at you the same way."

"They fear me. They fear my existence."

"I think…that you know the same loneliness that I have."

Gaara's eyes snapped up. "But you…you are not alone. I saw you…during the exam, and around the village. There are people who…acknowledge you."

"There are now, but it didn't used to be that way. Everywhere I went, people would tell me to go away. But then…Iruka-sensei acknowledged me. He gave me his hitai-ate, and he risked his own life to protect me. And now I have my team, and my friends…even this uptight asshole." He nudged Neji with his shoulder.

"Cut it out," Neji complained, but there was no real force behind it.

"So you…have a purpose."

"I'm sorry?" Neji asked, confused.

But Naruto was nodding. "I used to wonder about that, too. My reason for existence. Because to exist for no reason—"

"—is the same as being dead," Gaara finished.

"Yeah. But now I do have a purpose. Now I protect all the people who are precious to me, and someday, I'm going to be Hokage, and I'll protect everyone in the village. And nothing and no one is going to stop me."

"My uncle…told me the reason I exist. The village used me to kill my mother, and now I fulfill her dream and cause them to suffer. I find meaning only in the killing of others."

"But…but if you just run around and kill people indiscriminately, then eventually you're going to meet someone more powerful than you, and you'll _die_. Do you really want to die for a village that hates you?"

Gaara shrugged. "Why should I care if I die? What reason do I have for living?"

"I don't know exactly what you're talking about," Neji said slowly. "But I do understand, a little, about the reason for one's existence. I don't exist for myself at all; the purpose of my existence is like Naruto's, except there's only one person I'm meant to protect. But for me…it wasn't a choice. It's a purpose that someone else gave me." He looked up at Gaara. "But…I don't think that's right. I still don't have a choice, but you…does your uncle still have authority over you?"

"I killed him."

"Well then…have you tried…looking for your own purpose?"

"Like what? I have only myself. I love only myself. Protecting others—what does that mean to me? Because I'm always alone."

"You're not alone, Gaara!" Naruto shouted. Neji quickly hushed him. "You're not alone," he continued more quietly. "You're like me."

Gaara narrowed his eyes dangerously. "I am not accustomed to repeating myself. I do not _hold_ a demon, I _am_ a demon."

"Okay, I still don't think that's the case, but say that it is. So what? I would never let anyone hurt my precious people…but we're sitting here talking now, and you're not hurting anyone."

"And we've met several times now, and you've never hurt me," Neji volunteered. "Creeped out, maybe, but I think I understand a little better now."

Gaara seemed to be struggling with this. "You understand me better…and that makes you want to spend _more_ time with me?"

Neji considered the terrified acquiescence that had characterized all his previous and bizarre encounters with the sand ninja. "Well, sure. I mean, if you're going to follow me around anyway, the least I could do was offer you some real food or something."

Naruto kicked him. "You're all heart," he said sarcastically. "Look, Gaara, don't listen to him. I'd like to be friends. Then you can see that you're _not _alone."

Gaara watched them both suspiciously.

"Look…maybe you could just give it a try?" Naruto offered finally. "I mean…you can always try killing us later, but it wouldn't really work the other way 'round."

"Nice, Naruto…"

"Impossible," Gaara said curtly. He touched the kanji on his forehead. "No one…could ever love…this thing called Gaara." His sand began to spin wildly. "They hate me, fear me, try to kill me, lock me up—"

"Lock you up?" Naruto interrupted, trying not to panic as Gaara obviously lost his cool. "When?"

Gaara paused in his rant for a moment. "Yes. I was imprisoned for years."

Neji frowned. "Years? You're what…ten?"

Gaara blinked and managed a credible impression of irritated offense. "I'm twelve. And I have a distinct memory…it was dark…and I was all alone…those meddlesome humans, how dare they do something like that to me!"

"And you control sand," Neji added, thinking aloud. "Suna is located in a desert. Even if they wanted to, where could they imprison you?"

Gaara's concentrated, the sand calming slightly as he thought. "I think…it was…a tea kettle."

Naruto snorted. "Are you serious?" He pointed to their kettle. "Don't you think there would be a slight problem with that, size-wise?"

"You're right…it doesn't make any sense."

Now it was Neji's turn to frown. "I hate to bring this up again, but are you sure it's actually your memory? If you do have a demon sealed inside you, perhaps you are remembering one of his experiences. The bijuu are made up of pure chakra, after all, so there's no reason one couldn't be sealed into a tea kettle…though I don't see why one _would_ be stored there."

"Hmm…I don't think I've ever experienced any of Kyuubi's memories," Naruto said slowly. "But that doesn't mean I couldn't. And there was something…in the Forest, when I was fighting Orochimaru, I thought I remembered a battle, but I've never been in a battle, not a real one, anyway."

"I told you I'm different from you," Gaara insisted, but he didn't sound quite so sure this time.

"I'm afraid I just don't know that much about the bijuu," Neji admitted. "Both of your experiences have probably been shared by other people with demons—"

"Iruka-sensei called them 'Jinchuriki.'"

"—Jinchuriki, but I wouldn't know where to begin to find information about them."

"…but I might. Hey Gaara…do you want to meet my new sensei?""


	16. A New Friend, or Something Like It

A/N: ...wow. I never imagined I would ever get this many reviews! Thanks everyone! These make me very happy!

* * *

As Hokage, the only missions Sarutobi did these days involved piles of paperwork. And one of the most headache-inducing piles involved assigning missions.

Either the missions were too easy and he had to endure the endless whining, or they were too hard and he was scrambling for reinforcements or, worse, notifying families. And with the finals of the chuunin exams coming up, not to mention the looming threat of both Orochimaru and the Akatsuki, he was seriously understaffed right now and many of the lower-level missions were falling by the wayside.

So he really should be more pleased about this development.

"What?" Ebisu demanded, mouth falling open. "_You_ want to do a C-class mission?"

"Yup!" Jiraiya said with a grin. "Just want to do my part!"

If only Sarutobi didn't know his student so well.

Ebisu, being rather hidebound, sputtered and flailed his arms. "This is highly irregular! You... of all people!"

Jiraiya actually managed to look offended.

Sarutobi rubbed his temples again. "Really, Jiraiya—when was the last time you did a C rank mission? Thirty years ago?"

"I know you're shorthanded lately, and I'm perfectly capable of performing a simple escort mission. It's my duty while in the village."

Sarutobi sat back in his chair. "Ebisu, show me the details of this mission," he said suspiciously.

"There's very little available, Hokage-sama. The young lady—"

"Never mind, that's enough. _No,_ Jiraiya."

"But…"

"Old man, old man! Have you seen…oh, there he is." Naruto skidded into the room, a protesting chuunin who was supposed to be screening visitors on his heels. He grabbed Jiraiya's arm and attempted—wholly unsuccessfully—to drag the man out the door. "Come on, Ero-Sennin!"

"Get off me, kid! I'm discussing an important mission right now!"

"Yeah, right. And you probably forgot, but you _are_ supposed to be training me, so stop messing around and come on!"

"The sun isn't even up yet! Where do you get all this energy?"

"Well I guess if I were _old_, like _you_, I would be slowing down, too!"

"Why you little brat, come over here and I'll show you 'slowing down.'"

Ebisu finally recovered from his shock at the appearance of the Naruto cyclone. "Show some respect!"

Naruto barely spared him a glance. "You stay out of this, you closet pervert!"

The Hokage quietly set a smaller stack of papers on fire. If they were important, someone would bring him another copy.

The chuunin gave up trying to control Naruto and let the legendary Sannin handle that problem, turning instead to the kid lingering in the outer office. "You can't just barge into the Hokage's office without an appointment," he said sternly. "So you'll have to go home until you can learn respect for protocol." He got between him and the door and made a shooing gesture. "Now run along."

Gaara's eyes narrowed.

Jiraiya, Ebisu and Naruto actually stopped shouting at each other at the wave of killing intent from the outer room. The Hokage frowned. The chuunin tried to climb under his desk, forgetting that he was facing a scrawny twelve-year-old.

Naruto laughed awkwardly and ran a hand through his hair. "Heh heh. That's what I wanted to talk to you about."

"Jiraiya, go see what this is all about," the Hokage ordered.

"Hey! Of course I'll go _now_, how irresponsible do you think I am?"

"I'm not even going to answer that," his former sensei muttered, discreetly sweeping the small pile of ashes onto the floor.

Jiraiya looked like he wanted to keep protesting, but Naruto hauled him out into the hallway and they rescued the poor chuunin from Gaara's Glare of Death.

"You're from Suna," Jiraiya observed, sounding surprised. "Why are you hanging around with Naruto?"

"I am Sabaku no Gaara," Gaara responded monotonously. "I do as I please."

"Okay…So what did that guy ever do to you? He was trying to crawl under his desk!"

Gaara frowned, looking less like a homicidal maniac and more like a sulky preteen for once. "He told me to shoo."

Naruto tripped. "And you didn't kill him!? I got death threats for offering to make tea!"

Now it was Jiraiya's turn to frown. "Okay, seriously, what is going on? How do you two know each other?"

"I'm _going_ to kill him," Gaara said. "I just haven't gotten to it yet."

Jiraiya raised both eyebrows and discreetly moved to stand between his idiot student and the obvious threat. Something told him that Naruto was going to live up to his heritage and casually drop a live grenade in his lap so he herded the two boys towards the training areas and away from the main part of the village.

Naruto, meanwhile, was obviously too stupid to recognize a threat and respond reasonably as he just rolled his eyes and said, "Not now, Gaara, I want to introduce you to Ero-Sennin. Stupid Neji, there's no one even awake yet, he totally could have come."

Gaara fixed Jiraiya with a why-do-I-have-to-endure-this-waste-of-space expression that would have done Tsunade proud. "I still don't see why I have to meet this ridiculous person."

"He's actually really good at fighting and stuff—when he doesn't get distracted, which kinda happens a lot..."

Jiraiya had finally had enough of these uncalled-for disparagements of his character. "Hey!"

"He's loud. I hate loud people."

"I'm loud people!"

"And I hate you for it. I hate everybody."

"Shut up!" Jiraiya yelled. Gaara winced. "Naruto, tell me what is going on, right now!"

"No need to get all snippy," Naruto whined, as if _Jiraiya_ were the crazy one here. "Gaara?"

Sand started swirling around Gaara.

"Yaah, don't show him that!" Naruto yelped, waving his arms. "He's gonna think you're crazy! Tell him what you told me, about the demon!"

Jiraiya's gaze snapped to Suna nin as a very bad feeling came over him. "Naruto? Is this kid a Jinchuuriki, too?"

"Um, maybe? Iruka-sensei and the old man told me that the Kyuubi is trapped inside of me, and Gaara says he is a demon, but I remembered how that dumb Mizuki tried to tell me that I was the Kyuubi before Iruka and me kicked his ass, so I thought maybe Gaara has it wrong, too. And that snake creep did something that made the Kyuubi all weird but you fixed it so I thought you might know something about this kind of stuff. Besides, Kakashi-sensei is off training Sasuke and I couldn't ask him." Naruto looked up with wide, pleading eyes, like Jiraiya held all the answers to the universe.

The alleged source of wisdom fervently wished that he dared to teleport away and get completely smashed and let someone else deal with this. Reluctantly, he admitted to himself that he was really the most qualified, and it was much better to have this come to light now than in the middle of a crisis. Just…couldn't someone else deal with it? Agreeing to train Naruto was a much bigger investment than he'd ever imagined.

Meanwhile, Gaara and Naruto were having a staring contest. This might be the longest Naruto had been still in his whole life.

With a long, put-upon sigh Jiraiya cracked his neck and accepted the responsibility of figuring this out. "Kid, do you have a seal?" he asked Gaara.

Gaara shifted slightly so his unblinking stare could encompass Jiraiya as well as Naruto, but didn't otherwise react.

Awesome. He was one of _those_. "Brat. Naruto."

"Eh?"

"Show your little friend your seal. I don't think he knows what I'm talking about."

Naruto shrugged and, since he was still in his pajamas, it was a simple matter of shucking off his t-shirt and gathering chakra. "See?" he asked, gesturing vaguely at the spiral seal. "You got anything like that?"

Gaara blinked a few times, then slowly started pulling at his own shirt, his efforts hampered by the fact that he refused to take the gourd off his back. He kept darting glances at Jiraiya, obviously unwilling to divest himself of his weapon in the presence of such a powerful ninja. Finally, he emptied out all the sand and spread it in a circle on the ground around his feet, then stripped off both gourd and shirt.

Neither Naruto nor Jiraiya were stupid enough to approach until the sand was back in the gourd, which Gaara strapped over his bare chest before crossing his arms and regarding them both with a flat expression.

Jiraiya let out a subtle sigh of relief. The kid was obviously undernourished but there was no sign of a seal. Naruto must have been mistaken.

"Did you try gathering your chakra?" Naruto asked stubbornly.

"I always have my chakra active," Gaara informed him.

Jiraiya shifted uneasily. "Always? What about when you're sleeping?"

"I don't sleep."

Naruto gawked. "What, ever?"

"I'm told that I fell asleep a few times as a young child, but I have better control now."

"Well, that kind of chakra reserve just reeks of Jinchuuriki," Jiraiya muttered. Louder, he added, "And what do you do with all this active chakra, anyway?"

Gaara merely looked at him with narrowed eyes, the dark circles around them cast in a new light with the revelation about insomnia.

Suna nin took themselves way too seriously. "Look, I haven't attacked you yet so I'm hardly going to start now." _At least not until I know exactly what is going on here_, Jiraiya added mentally.

Gaara's expression didn't waver, almost like he knew exactly what Jiraiya was thinking. "You could not defeat me anyway," he said finally.

Reminding himself that he was the mature adult here Jiraiya manfully refrained from a derisive snort—or kicking the little punk's ass for daring to put himself on par with a Legendary Sannin.

His restraint paid off as sand swirled over the kid's torso, spilling to the ground at his feet and revealing a raw, angry looking seal.

"What is that, some kind of armor?" Jiraiya asked absently, already moving in to inspect the seal. "Clever, if you have the juice to keep it up. Let's see…odd over even, hmm, and…what's that line supposed to be?" He sat back on his heels, head almost level with the midget kid's. "What the hell? This is the worst seal work I've ever seen."

"I had nothing to do with it."

"Well, obviously, this kind of seal is put in place at birth. If I could just—" Jiraiya reached out to trace a symbol, then hastily snatched his hand back when a wall of sand immediately interspersed itself between his hand and the seal. "Look, kid, if you want me to fix it, you're going to have to relax a bit."

"Fix it?" Gaara asked uncertainly.

"Well, I can't make any promises yet, but the dumb brat's right for once. I'm a seal master, you know, and this is definitely a demon seal. A shitty one, but a seal nonetheless."

"The only thing sealed inside me is my mother's spirit."

"Yeah, no. Whoever told you that was straight-up lying. If I had to guess, I would say…the One-Tail, uh, what's his name…Shukaku! I'd say you've got Shukaku locked up in there."

Gaara hesitated. "That is the name of several of my techniques…"

"Yep, no worries, you're not a demon. Though I can see why you might have gotten confused—someone botched this but good. I don't know what they could have been thinking. The demon must be constantly trying to take control…do you hear voices? Always fighting for control over your own body? Sometimes find yourself places and you have no idea how you got there or what you've been doing?"

Gaara watched Jiraiya with wide eyes. "Yes…"

"There, you see? I know what I'm talking about. The real miracle here is that you have as much control as you do."

That apparently hit a nerve. "I'm not well known for my control," Gaara said in a low, dangerous voice.

Jiraiya completely ignored the implied threat. "It's up to you, kid. Stay as you are now, or let me take a look. That's all I'll do without your permission."

For an interminable moment, the two ninja regarded each other. Naruto shifted awkwardly and wondered if he could put his shirt back on—it was really cold this early in the morning!

"…fine."

"Good."

Naruto watched uneasily as Jiraiya bent over the seal, pointedly keeping his hands to himself as he muttered under his breath. Gaara held himself absolutely still, only the vibrating sand giving away his agitation. Naruto had a feeling that this cooperation resulted only from their mutual belief that each could defeat the other easily. He fervently hoped that it didn't come to that.

So, he talked. "I didn't even know about the demon until a few months ago," he babbled. "Well, I knew that the villagers shunned me and many of them called me a demon, but I didn't realize that they actually meant demon and not just, you know, an insult or whatever. But even then, it didn't make that much of a difference until I fought Orochimaru in the Forest. I was fast and strong, and Sakura-chan said there was all this red light everywhere, but I don't really remember too well. I kinda fell out of a tree after."

"I didn't hear about any of this," Jiraiya said, turning away from his task with a frown. "You've already had a partial transformation?"

"Uh, maybe? I don't really know what you mean."

"What about you?" This question was directed at Gaara. "I'd think you're far too young to manifest the Shibi's chakra, but with the quality of this seal…"

"I do not recall any red light."

"Well, no, it wouldn't work like that for you. I mean, have you ever taken on any characteristics of the demon, physically? Usually the first thing to show is a tail, but it might be ears, or fangs, or anything really. Ever experienced anything like that?"

Gaara gave him an extremely cagey look. "Those occasions when I have fallen asleep, I am told that I took on my true form. I have few memories of those times."

Jiraiya goggled. "Wait, you've experienced a full transformation? Multiple times? When was the first? What happened? No way should you have enough chakra to support that!"

"I don't see why I should answer."

"Don't start holding out on me now, kid. Obviously there isn't much quality help to be had back where you're from."

Gaara glowered, but Jiraiya could be patient when it suited him. "I'm told that when I was born I ripped my way out of my mother's body and killed everyone in the room. That was the first time. The other times also had considerable loss of life; the entire village is terrified of me."

Naruto looked more than a little green. "That was an accident, though…right?"

Gaara's neutral look was less than reassuring.

Jiraiya decided to focus on the academic question. "Well no wonder you've had so many problems; whose bright idea was it to try and seal you while you were still _in utero_? That's just stupid. Does explain some of what I'm seeing here, though."

Naruto valiantly decided to ignore the mass homicide issue for now. "So does that mean you can help? Like you helped me?"

Jiraiya frowned, looking over the seal again. "There's a big difference between removing someone else's tampering and altering an already completed seal after the fact, especially one that's been in place for years. Plus, it could be dangerous for Gaara. I should probably at least get permission. Are your parents here, kid?"

"His mother's dead," Naruto reminded him.

"Right, sorry. How about your father?"

"I don't think of him as my father."

"Okay…but who might other people think of as your father?"

Gaara's eyes narrowed, but he answered anyway. "You would know him best as the Kazekage."

Jiraiya choked. "You—I—Naruto! Do you have any idea what kind of a political disaster would ensue if I started putting seals on the Kazekage's child? Suna is our ally!"

Naruto shrugged. "I won't tell anybody. Gaara?"

"I told you: I don't think of him as my father."

Jiraiya rubbed his temples. This is why he avoided taking responsibility for things. "I really don't understand why the Kazekage didn't mention that you were coming, especially if there were…incidents." They (probably) wouldn't have banned Gaara outright—at least before they knew how homicidal he was—but they'd at least have set a discreet guard or something.

"Look, whatever the 'political infiltrations'—"

"—_implications, _Naruto—"

"—can't you just _try_?" Naruto pouted outrageously with wide, sincere eyes in a way that was disturbingly like a certain former student of Jiraiya's.

He sighed heavily. "I suppose. But kid, Gaara, I want you to think about this: I can try and help you gain better control over the demon, but it's still up to you to exercise that control. I have a feeling that those times the demon rampaged out of control weren't the only times you've killed people. Now that you know you're not a demon, think about the kind of person you want to be." He paused. "Geez, now I'm giving speeches. I sound like Sarutobi-sensei."

Naruto giggled, while Gaara just stared impassively.

"Right." Jiraiya's fingers began to glow blue. "Try and keep ahold of that sand of yours for just a bit longer, this is going to sting a bit."

As the chakra-laced hand came closer, the sand rushed to get between it and Gaara's vulnerable skin. When Jiraiya looked up to lecture him, he was extremely discomfited to see that Gaara's pupils had been reduced to tiny yellow flecks in a sea of black.

"That's probably not a good thing, right?" Naruto asked, nervously edging away.

Gaara laughed, a creepy and deeply disturbing sound that was at least an octave above his normal tone—which was admittedly unnaturally low for such a young, small boy, but this was hardly natural either. His skin started to ripple.

Jiraiya discreetly sliced his finger on a spare kunai.

"Silly mortal," Gaara hissed, still in that oddly feminine voice. "You think you can contain me!?"

The gourd suddenly became a huge…limb, which shot out and knocked Jiraiya into a tree.

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" Naruto cried, filling the small clearing with clones.

The strange limb struck out, dispelling ten clones in a single blow, followed shortly by a small tsunami of sand that trapped a half dozen clones in the blink of an eye.

"Watch out for that sand!" Jiraiya called. "And whatever you do, don't knock him out! If you think this is bad, wait until you see a full transformation!"

"Then what the hell am I supposed to do?" Naruto yelled back. "What a pain in the ass!"

Jiraiya collected chakra in his hand, forming a perfect blue sphere.

"Whoa…" Naruto said, right before a bunch of sand sent him flying into a tree.

"Rasengan!"

The mystery limb…blew up, or something. With all the sand in the air, it was hard to tell exactly.

"What are you doing?" Naruto yelled. "I want you to help him, not kill him!"

"Kid only has two arms and two legs—he didn't need a tail!" Jiraiya shouted back. He'd summoned a toad, even bigger than the one he'd had in front of the women's bathhouse when Naruto first met him, which was keeping half of Gaara's attention. "Think you can be a distraction?"

"One of my best skills," Naruto said with a grin. "Just don't kill him!" He was down to three clones so he formed the seals to make another bunch. He could feel Kyuubi stirring in response to the other demon's proximity, just like it had woken him last night. His senses sharpened and his nails grew a little longer and, now that he was looking for it, there did seem to be a faint red haze around his skin.

Naruto didn't have long to speculate because the sand came rushing forward and he was forced to use all of his enhanced speed to avoid it. The toad was in a similar predicament, reduced to dodging for its life. Naruto had hoped that his clones could overwhelm Gaara with numbers, but the sand nin apparently had no difficulty blocking the simultaneous attacks and chasing Naruto and the toad. Well, perhaps chasing wasn't quite right, since Gaara hadn't so much as twitched since the fight began. That pervert had better do something soon!

Then one of Gaara's hands came up to clutch his head, and Naruto watched with interest as the eye on that side slowly turned back into a normal human eye.

"That's good," Jiraiya called form somewhere out of sight. "Fight it! You can do it!"

Gaara snarled but his other hand came up, clutching his red hair tightly enough to pull some of it out. It might have been just his imagination, but Naruto thought the sand was the tiniest bit less aggressive.

And that was when Jiraiya suddenly ran in, another bunch of that spherical chakra in the palm of his hand. He connected solidly with Gaara's stomach middle, sending sand everywhere and cracking the sand armor straight down the middle. All the sand in the air dropped abruptly to the ground as Gaara fell. He didn't get up.

"What the hell did you do?" Naruto screamed, launching himself at Jiraiya and conveniently forgetting his recent moral peril.

Jiraiya caught him easily. "Relax, brat. Take a look."

With the cracked armor and sand everywhere, Gaara looked a total wreck. He had a massive bruise on his stomach that was bleeding sluggishly. But, more importantly, he was breathing. And Naruto thought the seal did look a little different.

"Hey, you did it!"

"No need to sound so surprised," Jiraiya sulked.

"Is he…unconscious?" Naruto asked uncertainly. "I thought you said that was a bad thing."

"Nope. He's a tough kid, no mistake there. Probably just a little stunned." He poked at Gaara with his boot.

"Cut that out," Naruto said. "And hey—the sand didn't attack you!"

"His system's probably just in a bit of shock at the moment. Give him some time; I'm sure he'll be as unapproachable as ever in a couple of hours. He also might need to put a little extra effort into some of his jutsu, now that the demon isn't doing part of the work. On the other hand, it should be easier for him to hold onto his control. There wasn't anything I could do about the sleeping thing, sorry."

True to Jiraiya's prediction, Gaara slowly pushed himself into a sitting position, looking upset and bewildered.

"Better?" Jiraiya asked.

"I—I—what is this feeling?" Gaara reached down and touched his stomach, wincing. His fingers came away bloody. He screamed.

"Whoa, what now?" Jiraiya asked, immediately kneeling down and checking the wound. "It's not that serious—I was careful."

"Blood…it's my blood!"

"Yeah, so?"

"Is…is this pain I'm feeling?"

"Of course it is. What, haven't you ever been injured before?"

"No…"

"Wow, that is some defense. Well, buck up, kid. Won't be the last time. Price of being mortal like the rest of us. You'll be fine." Jiraiya stood and brushed the sand off his knees. "Well, I should probably split before I get involved in another PR disaster. You sure have some weird friends, brat." And then the infuriating man just left them there.

For a moment, Naruto was too shocked to move. "You slacker!" he yelled, though Jiraiya was already gone. He turned to Gaara. Well, he couldn't just leave him here, bloody and incapacitated.

Naruto made a half-hearted effort to pick up some of the sand in his cupped hands, but with all the grass it was hard to get much. "Hey, Gaara. Why don't you make yourself useful and help clean some of this up?"

Unfortunately, the sand ninja just started shaking. "I can't! It's not something I have to control, it just happens!"

"Well…you have to act sometimes, right? I mean, when you smushed that guy during the prelims, there was a hand sign and everything! So I'll just go stand somewhere not in the sand and you just…try and…you know, grab some. Just try not to put it, er, through anybody. Your gourd seems to have run off somewhere, but I could try and find a bucket or something?"

Naruto hightailed it behind a tree, shouting encouragement from what probably was not actually a safe distance, and after a few false starts the sand started to tremble. Naruto was just about to go and find something to put it all in when Gaara had some kind of breakthrough and the sand all rose up, spinning rapidly until Naruto was forced to close his eyes or get sand in them. When he opened them again, the gourd was sitting in the grass, no sand in sight.

Gaara was sweating with exertion and looking extremely freaked out about it. "I don't have enough chakra for the cork," he said, sounding just as freaked as he looked.

"No problem," Naruto said easily, unwinding the white sash thing from around Gaara's waist and stuffing it into the top of the gourd. "See? Problem solved."

Gaara did not look particularly reassured.

"You'll figure it out, Gaara," Naruto said encouragingly. "It's been like five minutes. It'll just take some practice."

"I can't go back like this," Gaara said. "Someone will try to assassinate me."

"Someone…what? Geez, people throw stuff at me sometimes, but it's been years since anybody tried to kill me, and never a ninja! What the hell's wrong with your village, anyway?" Naruto bit his lip, thinking hard. "Okay! You'll just have to come back with me!"

"I will?"

"Yep! Besides, Neji's probably pissed as hell by now, wondering what's taking so long. He wanted to come, you know, he seems kind of attached to you for some reason."

A corner of Gaara's mouth twitched slightly in what couple almost have been the beginnings of a smile. "That seems unlikely."

"No lie! He's just hiding from his uncle so he can't be seen around the village right now. And he probably wouldn't have wanted me to tell you that, so let's just pretend I didn't. Besides, if I don't get back soon and Sasuke wakes up, he'll kick my ass for making him worry. Then again for making him admit that. Heh. Stupid bastard."

With some difficulty, Naruto helped Gaara back into his shirt, which covered the blood, the seal and the rapidly healing wound—which thankfully really wasn't that serious, since they couldn't exactly take him to a hospital, since that _definitely_ would spark assassination attempts. Gaara insisted on strapping the gourd on himself, which was fine with Naruto since he could barely move the damn thing. Finally they were ready, and Naruto slung the smaller boy's arm over his shoulder and pulled him to his feet.

Gaara moaned.

"If it's any consolation, I think your defense will soon be as impenetrable as it ever was," Naruto said consolingly. "The old man says Ero-Sennin is one of the most powerful ninja in the world, even if he doesn't look it, and he knew exactly where you were most vulnerable. Plus he said he's a seal master, so if he says your seal is better, he's probably right."

"I don't need your help," Gaara lied, swaying unsteadily as he tried to support as much of his own weight as possible.

"Yeah, I've known Sasuke far too long to fall for that line. If you don't spend too long whining about it, we might get back to the apartment before people are awake to see you like this. Besides, I don't want to be stuck carrying that gourd by myself. How can you haul that thing everywhere? I bet my apartment doesn't weigh that much!"

Sasuke would have protested until noon just on principle, but Gaara was no doubt very unsettled by his first injury and the effects of the sealing, or at least less of a pain than Sasuke, so he let Naruto help him back to the apartment they'd left only a few short hours ago.

Not unusually, there were the distinct sounds of raised voices coming from the apartment. Gaara, who had been remarkably cooperative the whole trip, refused to take another step, his wide eyes giving away his agitation.

Naruto rolled his own eyes. "I'm sure it's not a big deal; there's always a little harmless chaos in this house. But if it makes you feel better I'll go in first and see what the problem is." He leaned Gaara against the wall to the right of the door, and the other boy had already recovered enough that he made it look like he was just there because he felt like it instead of needing the support. Probably another half hour and there'd be no sign he'd ever been hurt at all except for the blood drying on his shirt.

Naruto opened the door, and was promptly tackled. He hit the ground with a loud thump and an embarrassing yelp. Fully expecting to see Sasuke, Naruto was momentarily side-tracked and took a solid punch to the jaw when he realized that his attacker was Neji. He also wasn't wearing a shirt.

"You. Are. So. Dead," Neji informed him, punctuating each word with another punch. Naruto had pulled himself together enough to attempt to block, but he was definitely at a disadvantage here.

A crowd started to gather, snickering and pointing at the spectacle—mostly women.

"'Harmless chaos?'" Gaara asked eventually.

Neji actually stopped pummeling Naruto for a moment. "Hey Gaara, how did it go?"

"…fine."

"Good." He turned back to Naruto. "Dead." He resumed hitting him.

"Hey, isn't it against your honor code or something to beat up a younger kid on a public street half-naked?" Naruto asked desperately.

Neji compromised by grabbing him by the front of his shirt and hauling him inside.

Gaara was curious, or bored, or something, and followed them in.

* * *

On the other side of the village, Jiraiya marched straight past the Hokage's desk chuunin, who merely sighed at the ongoing disrespect for his position, and into the Hokage's office.

"Ah, Jiraiya, there you are. I was expecting you hours ago. Did you ascertain what Naruto wanted?"

"I did."

"And…"

"You really, really don't want to know."

"…do I _need_ to know?"

"Definitely. But, uh, you might want a drink first. I know I do."

"Why is this all happening at once!?"


	17. Naruto and Sasuke's Halfway House

_Naruto and Sasuke's Halfway House for Troubled Ninja_

Sasuke and Hinata were standing by the stove attempting to make pancakes when an irate Neji hauled Naruto through the door. Cooking was unofficially Neji's job, despite his vehement protests to the contrary, but he hadn't been in the mood that morning. They quickly abandoned the charred black lumps in favor of watching the spectacle that always seemed to accompany Naruto.

"Have you still not gotten dressed?" Sasuke asked Neji, annoyed.

"Look at my clothes!" Neji hissed, throwing a pile of shirts at Sasuke.

Hinata obediently took one and started to giggle. Someone had dyed it pink. In fact, all of them were pink.

Naruto started laughing, pointing at Neji's furious expression. "Oh yeah, I totally forgot I did that. I remembered how you were saying that you felt left out of the fun last night, so I thought I'd do something to make you feel included."

Neji's eye twitched dangerously.

"Who's your friend?" Hinata asked quickly, recognizing the danger signs. She and her cousin still weren't completely comfortable in each other's presence, though for the sake of avoiding the clan compound they'd declared an uneasy, temporary truce.

Naruto finally stopped laughing, though he kept glancing at Neji and giggling at random intervals. "Oh, right. Everyone, this is Gaara. He was in the exam? Gaara, that's Sasuke and Hinata, and obviously you already know Neji. Somehow. Actually, why do you know Neji?"

"Is there some particular reason he's here?" Sasuke asked, well used to ignoring 90% of what came out of Naruto's mouth.

"Yeah, I invited him for breakfast," Naruto said casually, moving over to the stove. "Ergh, maybe I should have waited until lunch..."

"Wait, I do remember you," Sasuke said suspiciously, studying Gaara. "Didn't you _kill_ someone in the exam?"

"To be fair, so did I," Neji pointed out. "We are ninja, after all."

"I've killed at least eight people in the exam so far," Gaara said. "Maybe it was eleven…"

Naruto face-palmed. "Oh, so now you want to start sharing…" he muttered.

"Conference," Sasuke announced, grabbing Naruto and hauling him into their room. The two Hyuuga followed.

"He hasn't killed anyone since that guy," Naruto said immediately.

"Naruto-kun, that was only three days ago," Hinata said, sounding worried.

"I wouldn't have invited him if I thought he would kill one of you," Naruto said sulkily.

"Putting aside the issue of his homicidal tendencies—and that was a phrase I never thought I'd use—you can't just keep bringing people here, Naruto. There isn't any more space," Sasuke pointed out.

"I really only invited him for breakfast! He needs to lie low for a while—"

"Maybe if he stopped killing people he would have more friends," Sasuke muttered.

"I've asked him not to, and anyway, he had other stuff going on!"

"What stuff? And Naruto, I _know_ you. The only place this could end is you inviting yet another person to live in our apartment."

"Hey, _you_ were the one who invited Neji!"

"That was still your fault!"

"How?"

"Can we focus on Gaara-san for a moment, please?" Hinata asked.

"Now that you mention it, Sasuke, the people Gaara's staying with are serious jerks."

"Naruto! I _just said_ there's no space!"

"Gaara doesn't really take up much space. For one thing, he doesn't sleep."

"What, ever?"

"Nope. He just…lurks a lot, I guess."

"Okay that's…weird. Can we reopen the 'homicidal tendencies' question? Because that seems like it should be a big deal," Sasuke said pointedly.

"That's kind of complicated…" Naruto hedged.

"I think it's fine to have him here," Neji interrupted.

"This isn't really your apartment, so you don't get a say," Sasuke informed him without looking away from Naruto.

Neji crossed his arms and scowled.

Hinata, who had been biting her lip and obviously thinking hard, raised her hand.

"Seriously?" Sasuke asked.

She blushed. "Umm…I was wondering…is he a Jinchuuriki, too?"

Naruto choked.

"You're not very good at keeping this a secret, Naruto," Neji said, smirking.

"How—how did you know about that?" Naruto sputtered.

Hinata blushed harder. "Well, um, I used to f-follow you around sometimes…"

"'Used to'?" Neji muttered.

"…and it was hard not to overhear what other people were saying about you. And the clan discusses it sometimes during meetings. Combined with being able to see the foreign chakra around you, it wasn't hard to figure out."

"_I_ don't know what's going on," Sasuke said. "What's a Jinchuuriki?"

"It means he has a demon sealed inside him," Neji supplied, when Naruto just opened and closed his mouth a few times. "The Kyuubi. The Yondaime did it to save the village. So now Naruto—guards the demon, or something like that, and sometimes he can tap into its power."

"Now that you mention it, I think Orochimaru said something about that. And that's why everyone hates Naruto?"

"Yes."

"And people also hate Gaara for an equally stupid reason?"

"Well, apparently he also kills a lot of people, so there might be something legitimate there…"

"Naruto-kun? Are you okay?"

"You really don't hate me?" Naruto asked in a very small voice.

"Of course I do," Sasuke said promptly. "You're my eternal rival and a loud-mouthed idiot, not to mention nosy, and _annoying_…"

"Gee, thanks," Naruto said, but he was smiling.

"Why are we even talking about this?" Neji asked. "I thought we were worrying about Gaara's living situation, not the injustice of how the ninja villages treat Jinchuuriki."

"Well, the person who sealed his demon was really bad at it and his control was…really bad," Naruto explained. "My sensei boosted the strength of his seal this morning so he's probably okay now."

"Probably?" Sasuke asked, voice breaking slightly.

"And anyway, if we just ask him, I'm sure he would be willing to hold off on the whole 'killing people' thing for a while." Naruto nodded decisively, like that settled the matter.

"Well, that's reassuring…"

"I really don't think it's going to be a problem. He's never had a friend before, and—well, I know how that is. If we give him a chance, I think he'll be a lot happier."

"No friends?"

Naruto smiled. Sweet, kind-hearted Hinata. "Well, he has me now."

"Me, too," Hinata said firmly.

"I don't need friends," Neji and Sasuke said at the same time.

"We're all agreed then," Naruto said with a grin. He turned and saw that the door was wide open. "Uh…do you think he heard any of that?"

Sasuke smacked him. "Dobe. He's not deaf; it's only a few feet."

Naruto poked his head out and had to laugh. The others—even Hinata—shoved him out of the way to see what had amused him.

Sasuke's cat was sitting on Gaara's shoulder, grooming his hair. Gaara had a comically alarmed look on his face, and sand was randomly spasming around him. Obviously his control over it was still pretty much non-existent. That last really should have been more frightening, but the picture was just too cute to be alarming.

Sasuke rescued Gaara—though not without his usual litany of complaints when the cat perched on his head instead—and they all sat down at the table. Sasuke, Naruto and Hinata looked at Neji. So did Gaara, but he was wondering what the others were looking at.

Neji threw up his hands. "Fine, I'll make something, but not for Naruto."

"Hey!"

"You want to pull pranks, you cook for yourself."

Naruto sulked, then went to retrieve a box of cereal. With four of them in the house and the rent paid for, they had money for many more food options than he'd ever had in his own apartment. Mostly that meant that he didn't get to eat as much ramen and had more vegetables, which totally sucked.

"Wow, Iruka-sensei's going to be so jealous. He's been trying to curb Naruto's prank-pulling impulses for years," Sasuke snarked.

Naruto stuck his tongue out at him.

"Do you like pancakes, Gaara?" Neji asked, throwing the stew pot the other two had attempted to make pancakes in in the sink and pulling out a clean skillet. "Naruto would be happy to get you some cereal, if you'd rather have that."

"I don't think I've ever had a pancake," Gaara said after a moment's deliberation. He seemed pathetically surprised that anyone would bother talking to him.

"I didn't have one until just a few years ago," Naruto supplied, totally oblivious to the awkward atmosphere. "Iruka-sensei took me out for breakfast once. They're great!" He peered at Neji around the pantry door. "Hey, if I get you a clean shirt before you're finished cooking, can I still have a pancake?"

Neji hesitated.

"Otherwise you'll have to go fetch them yourself while you're supposed to be out of the village _and_ while sporting this stylish pink," Naruto wheedled, waving one of the dyed shirts around.

"Yeah, fine," Neji said, caving with ill grace. "My room is in the main house on the second floor, all the way at the end. Try not to be too annoying."

"Yay, pancakes!" Naruto yelled, sprinting out the door. "Be good, Gaara!"

An awkward silence fell in the kitchen.

"So, uh, what do you like to do in your free time?" Hinata asked finally.

"I stalk my prey," Gaara answered.

"Okay, that's weird," Sasuke said. Both Hyuuga glared at him. "What? Kakashi told me I was weird because I spend all my free time reflecting on the death of my clan and plotting vengeance, but stalking is way weirder than that. And hey, what do _you_ do in your spare time?"

"I don't have spare time," Neji said loftily. "If I'm not eating or sleeping, I train. Or cook, I suppose, but that's really a part of eating."

"Not according to Naruto," Sasuke muttered. "Would you believe he came with twenty cups of instant ramen and not even an apple? It's a wonder he doesn't have scurvy."

"I suppose I could put some kind of berries in these, if we have any," Neji said, rummaging through the fridge. "Hmm. Can you put strawberries in pancakes?"

Sasuke shrugged. "I mostly ate those pre-made meals before you showed up. I suck at cooking. It's girly."

Hinata spoke up before Neji could start another fight. "I don't have any hobbies, either. Well, I do make healing ointments, but that's a secret, so don't tell anyone, please."

"Besides, I don't think that really counts as a hobby," Sasuke said speculatively. "It's still a kind of training."

"So none of us have hobbies?" Hinata asked, sounding a little incredulous.

"Well, except Naruto. He pranks people," Sasuke pointed out.

"Which is an appropriate hobby if you're _two_," Neji growled, still annoyed about his own recent encounter with Naruto's pranking tendencies.

"I realize the irony of me saying this, but we all need lives in a serious way," Sasuke said. "Five people and the best we can come up with is pranking? I'm choosing to disregard killing people as appropriate hobby material."

"Probably wise," Neji said, smirking.

"Shut up. Today is supposed to be a rest day, so why don't we all try and find at least one person with a legitimate hobby and give it a try. At least it will give us something to do besides sit around here all day."

"That sounds like fun!" Hinata said with a bright smile.

Gaara just gave them all a slightly creeped out look that clearly said 'I have no idea what just happened.'

* * *

Naruto was thrilled about the Get Gaara a Better Hobby and Maybe the Rest of Us Too Plan, as he insisted naming it, and whipped out a scroll which he painstakingly titled as such.

Sasuke looked like he very much regretted mentioning his idea.

"And we can make a whole list, then try each one!" Naruto enthused, getting syrup stains on the edges.

"Uh…some of them will probably be really boring," Sasuke tried.

"Won't know until we try!"

"This is your fault," Neji muttered.

"We should all talk to our teams," Naruto continued, writing furiously. "Since we're all on different ones, except Sasuke and me. We'll go talk to Shikamaru and Chouji's team. Get as many as you can, everyone, so we have lots of choices!" Stuffing a whole pancake in his mouth, he grabbed Sasuke and dragged him out the door.

They went straight for the barbecue restaurant and found Team Ten on their usual bench. Naruto pretended not to notice when the chef waved a spatula at him threateningly. That fight was _totally_ Kiba's fault!

"Hey guys!" Naruto called, bouncing over. "What do you like to do for fun?"

"Eat," Chouji said immediately.

"Style my hair," said Ino. "Ooh, and arrange flowers!"

"Don't write those down," Sasuke hissed.

"Watch the clouds," Shikamaru contributed.

All five genin turned to look at Asuma.

"Well, I guess I play games, like shogi and Go."

"I thought that was part of your attempt to trick me into training by repeatedly humiliating yourself," Shikamaru said dryly.

"Uh…hey look, it's Kurenai!" Asuma said quickly.

Kurenai was walking with Jiraiya, of all people, apparently discussing guard shifts.

"…so you'll switch with me then? I know it's a huge favor, but it's a really important night for me," Kurenai was saying.

Jiraiya grinned lecherously. "I might be able to help you out. What will I get in return?"

Naruto ran over and kicked him. "She's young enough to be your daughter, you damn pervert!" he hissed. "He'll do it," he informed Kurenai, who looked amused.

"All right then," she said with a nod.

"Hey!" Jiraiya protested, but they both ignored him. "Who is the sensei here, anyway?"

"Do you have any hobbies?" Naruto asked her. "We're looking for something constructive to do besides training. And not a word out of you!" he added, glaring at Jiraiya.

"I have _lots_ of hobbies—" Jiraiya said with a leer.

"Well, I used to like to paint, but _someone_ mistook my picture of the village for a koi pond and I decided to spend that time sparring instead." She glared at Asuma.

"Doesn't anyone pay attention to me anymore?" Jiraiya whined.

"We're not putting 'writing porn' or 'peeping into the women's bathhouse' on our hobby list," Naruto informed him.

"What?" Ino sputtered, reflexively crossing her arms over her chest. "Who are you, anyway?"

"I'm glad you asked!" Jiraiya announced.

"Now you've done it," Naruto muttered.

"I am the legendary Toad Mountain Sage!" Jiraiya proclaimed. "And also a bestselling novelist."

The genin blinked.

"Seriously?" Shikamaru said finally. "That's a weird combination."

"It's a wonder they let someone like you near children," Naruto sputtered.

"No one has any respect for their elders anymore," Jiraiya whined.

"Yeah, whatever."

"Shouldn't you be getting back to training?" Asuma asked.

Shikamaru sighed. "Don't tell me you're on my case now, too."

"Hey, you made it to the finals, by some miracle, and you are _not_ going to embarrass me by getting your ass kicked in five minutes."

"We were told today was a rest day," Sasuke said. "Was Kakashi just being lazy again?"

Naruto glared suspiciously at his new sensei.

"Every day is a rest day for Shikamaru," Asuma said. "He doesn't need any encouragement."

"Troublesome," Shikamaru muttered rebelliously. "If anyone needs me, that's too damn bad." He wandered off.

Asuma eyed his retreating back. "What are the chances that he's actually going to train?"

"Not even Tsunade would take those odds—I'm afraid you're out of luck," Jiraiya said, chuckling.

"I was afraid of that…"

"Come on, let's go," Naruto insisted, dragging Sasuke off again. "The others might be back already!"

"Oh my god! It's Sasuke-kun!"

Sasuke twitched. Naruto started laughing into his hand. Some girl—a civilian by the look of her—glomped Sasuke. He resolutely kept walking, ignoring the way she hung off his neck.

"Oh, _Sasuke_-_kun_," the girl breathed in his ear with a high pitched giggle. "I have a present for you!"

"I don't want it."

"Aww, don't be like that! I _know_ you missed me."

"Yeah, _Sasuke-kun_," Naruto said in a ridiculously high-pitched voice, snickering. "I'm your _biggest fan._"

"Die," Sasuke told him flatly. He twisted awkwardly to look at the weird girl hanging off him. "Do I even _know_ you?"

She giggled again, as if she thought he was joking. "You're so _funny_, Sasuke-kun! Look!" She draped her hair over his face so he was forced to stop walking or trip over something in front of Naruto. "I grew my hair out! I know that's what you like best in a girl!"

"Don't you think I have more important things to worry about than some strange girl's hair? Go away."

She climbed off, looking totally crushed. "You mean…you don't remember me?"

He took the opportunity to run away, leaping onto a roof in a way only a ninja could follow.

"That was mean," Naruto said, not sounding all that concerned.

"She was annoying," Sasuke muttered.

"Yo," Kakashi greeted, appearing randomly.

"Doesn't anyone in this entire village have anything to do besides bother us?" Sasuke asked rhetorically.

"Especially you," Naruto said, frowning. "Shouldn't you be helping with the exam or something?"

"Nope!" Kakashi said cheerfully, unbothered by their unenthusiastic greetings. "I told them I was training Sasuke, and they fell all over themselves to take me off every duty roster, even just routine jounin duties."

"I might be more impressed by that if you were _actually_ training me," Sasuke muttered.

"I have been training you," Kakashi said, with dignity—and honesty, for once. "I really did have a mission this morning."

"Oh, and what are you doing now?"

"Well, it's past noon already, so I thought we could start up again tomorrow…"

"Yeah, that's what Jiraiya-sensei said," Naruto said gloomily. Then he brightened. "Oh hey, since you're here you can help us with our project!" Naruto announced.

"Well, I have things to do…"

"You just said you had nothing to do except train me, which clearly you are not doing!"

"We just want to know what your hobbies are," Naruto said quickly, before Sasuke could really get going. Plus, Kakashi might actually decide to train him and thus interrupt their mission. Stranger things had happened.

"Oh. Well, I like Icha Icha—"

"Mark that down as 'reading,'" Sasuke advised.

"—and being late."

"I'm not sure that really counts as a hobby," Naruto commented.

"Well he does do it often."

"I think you're thinking of a habit, not a hobby, Sasuke," Kakashi said helpfully.

"Go away."

"I get no respect."

"Maybe if you weren't slacking off so blatantly! Even Naruto's sensei pays more attention than you!"

"Wow, Kakashi-sensei, your level of responsibility was just compared unfavorably to _Jiraiya's_."

"I'm so proud," Kakashi said, getting a bit misty-eyed.

Sasuke made a disgusted noise and stalked off.

"So," Naruto said, running a bit in order to catch up, "with Hinata and Neji talking to their teams, that covers pretty much all of our friends, yeah? Well, except for Konohamaru and his crew, but hopefully we're not desperate enough to play with dolls or playdo or whatever little kids do."

"Definitely not," Sasuke said loftily.

"Have you noticed that none of the older ninja seem to have, like, healthy hobbies? I mean, it's porn and women for Kakashi-sensei and Ero-Sennin, and even the Hokage and that closet pervert fall into that…" he trailed off.

"Did you just break or something?" Sasuke sniped, when Naruto halted midstep.

"We didn't get all of our friends," Naruto said finally, eyes wide. "We forgot Sakura."

"…oh."

"Let's not tell her we forgot her," Naruto said.

"Agreed."

They checked her house and Team Seven's usual training grounds before they finally found her exiting the bathhouse. Both boys jerked their eyes to the ground reflexively, much to the amusement of a nearby group of women.

"Just relax," Sakura said, giggling. "Did you need something, or are you the culprits behind the recent peeping incidents?"

"No, I already know who that is," a…very well-endowed blonde said, inviting herself into the conversation. Her companion, a dark-haired young woman carrying a small pig of all things, trailed along behind her.

Naruto blinked, then turned back to Sakura. "What do you do in your free time?"

"What is that supposed to mean? Are you trying to ask me out again?"

Naruto colored. "Uh…no…"

The blonde lady frowned at him repressively. "Wait…I think I know you. Aren't you Jiraiya's student?"

Naruto nodded cautiously.

"So you are peeping," she said, advancing on him and cracking her knuckles ominously.

Normally Sasuke was happy to see Naruto get pummeled for his myriad stupid antics, but this woman was really scary. Not that _he_ was intimidated. He was an Uchiha. Panic didn't look good on him. "Uh, do you have any hobbies? I mean besides beating up idiots?" He turned to Naruto. "Write that one on the list."

"That's not a hobby! And I wasn't peeping! He's teaching me chakra control, not…whatever you're thinking!"

"Hmm," Tsunade said speculatively, backing down a little. "Just ask Shizune here; the only things I enjoy are drinking and gambling."

Naruto and Sasuke blinked. The woman with the pig—Shizune, presumably—sighed and muttered something that sounded like "oh, my lady."

"Fine, I'll write 'beating up idiots,'" Naruto grumbled. "I don't even want to know what Gaara is like drunk. And with three vision-based kekkei genkai I'm not particularly interested in gambling with you guys either."

"What are you two doing?" Sakura asked.

"Naruto wanted to make a list of what our friends do in their spare time," Sasuke said flatly, deciding to distance himself from this idea as quickly as possible.

"Oh. Well, I like shopping, especially for clothes," Sakura said, beaming at Sasuke sort-of calling her a friend.

Sasuke turned a bit green.

"Can anyone participate in this poll?" Shizune asked.

"Uh, sure," Sasuke said. "Who are you people again?"

"I'm one of the legendary Sannin," Tsunade said irritably.

"Not another one," Sasuke groaned.

"He's Uchiha Sasuke," Naruto supplied, before Tsunade could work out whether or not to be offended. "Orochimaru has tried to kill him at least twice, that we know of, and we already polled Jiraiya, so…"

She grimaced. "Well, I'll let your disrespect slide just this once, punk. I'm Tsunade, and I'm _not_ a medic. Shizune's my assistant. And that's Tonton." She pointed at the pig.

"Tsunade-sama? Really?" Sakura exclaimed, her eyes shining. "You're my hero!"

"…I am?"

"Oh, yes! I want to be a medic nin and a great ninja, just like you! Oh, I have to tell Tenten! She'll be so excited to meet you!" Sakura ran off.

"Wow, I've only ever seen her get like that for Sasuke," Naruto observed.

Sasuke kicked him.

"Well, I like to knit," Shizune said enthusiastically, picking up Tonton and showing off his hideous sweater.

"Great, thanks, Shizune," Naruto said, clutching his leg. "Uh, we should really get going. Bye!"

When they finally made it back to their apartment, both Naruto and Sasuke had to stop in the doorway for a moment. Instead of the emptiness that was usual for both of them even two months ago, three people turned to greet them as they arrived, and a table set for five (with the couch pulled up awkwardly along one side because they didn't have enough chairs) sat with a real dinner laid out. Naruto had never experienced this, and for Sasuke it had been years.

"Would you come and sit down already? We've been waiting forever," Neji complained.

"Stop being such a whiner!" Naruto whined, recovering from his little moment and giving Sasuke a helpful shove inside. "We have a list of hobbies! How about you, huh?"

"Kiba-kun likes soccer, and Shino-kun…well, he is going to be head of his clan someday, and he prefers to read about politics and etiquette in his spare time," Hinata dutifully reported.

Naruto whipped out his list to write those down. "At least we're not the only ones with boring hobbies," he concluded. "Neji?"

Neji grimaced. "Obviously I wasn't able to actually ask my team, but I know that Gai-sensei likes composing poetry. Do not, under any circumstances, ask him to recite any. Lee…has many hobbies, most of them training-related and therefore not relevant for our purposes. He does sometimes volunteer at the animal shelter, if that counts as a hobby."

"Maybe we should ease into taking care of small, helpless things," Sasuke suggested. "Though the cat does seem to like Gaara."

Everyone looked at Gaara, who was losing a staring contest with the cat. A thin trickle of sweat made its way down the side of his face as he bared his teeth in an effort to make the cat back off. The cat yawned.

"Yeah…" Naruto said. Then he brightened. "Hey! Gaara, want to take care of my plants?"

"You mean the ones that you haven't watered once since Kakashi gave them to you?" Sasuke asked. "The plants that Hinata has generously cared for on your behalf? Those plants?"

"Uh, yeah," Naruto said sheepishly. "Thanks, Hinata-chan."

"I would be happy to show you what to do, Gaara-san," she offered.

"I've never taken care of anything," Gaara said slowly, still surprised at being included, however peripherally. "Do they require much attention?"

"They're plants, Gaara. You put some water in the pot, then you ignore them until the next day."

"Why care for them? If they're meant to survive, then they will do so without the aid of others."

"Um, sure," Naruto said with an uneasy laugh. "I'm sure Hinata will help. So, Neji—what about your other teammate?"

"Tenten likes to build weapons," Neji admitted. "She can turn any common household object into a lethal weapon."

"That sounds like a useful hobby," Sasuke said with a nod.

"She needs weapons to kill someone?" Gaara asked.

"But we won't try that because we're not counting any kind of training as a hobby," Naruto said hastily.

"And we're not trying anything tonight," Neji said firmly, placing a large bowl of noodles on the table. "Now it's time to eat."

There was silence for a time as the ninja all dug in. Neji was relieved to note that Gaara did know how to eat real food with chopsticks, like a normal person. Obviously he was just really hungry back in the forest when he was eating raw rabbit. Though that still didn't explain his strange tolerance for the ration bars…

"Do you have plans for the night, Gaara-san?" Hinata asked politely. "We could probably take turns sitting up with you, or something, so you don't have to be alone."

Gaara blinked, still very thrown off by the close-knit camaraderie he suddenly found himself a part of. "That…is not necessary. I will be training."

"You might want to stay nearby," Naruto said with his mouth full. "You never know what kind of people might be wandering around the city in the dead of night."

Gaara waited for Naruto to realize that he was one of those "kind of people," but Naruto just went on stuffing his face.

"I hate to ask, but…is that a euphemism for killing people?" Sasuke asked Gaara bluntly.

"Rude much?" Naruto demanded.

Gaara did not seem offended. "No. If I were going to kill someone I wouldn't try to hide it."

"Well, that's…not all that reassuring, but I'll take it anyway."

"Naruto, you're doing dishes tonight," Neji informed him.

"Aww…"

"I'm still not clear on exactly what we're doing with this list," Hinata ventured, successfully distracting Naruto from his sulk.

"That's right! So I was thinking we could try two new hobbies each day, and at the end of the list we'll all have something we like!"

"No way," Neji said immediately. "I need that time to train. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm aiming straight for the top during the final exam."

"Get in line," Sasuke sneered.

"_I'm_ going to win!" Naruto said at the same time.

Gaara put down his chopsticks. "Everyone who has ever stood against me is dead. Except my father, but that is only a matter of time."

Oppressive silence.

"I thought you weren't going to kill anyone for a bit?" Naruto asked weakly.

Gaara frowned. "You said only until the exam continues."

"Oh yeah…"

Neji bravely decided to take up the argument. "But now that you have more control over the demon, wouldn't it be interesting to see what you, Gaara, can accomplish, without his interference?"

"…I'll think about it."

No one knew quite what to say after that.

"What if we try two new hobbies each week?" Sasuke offered finally.

Everyone gratefully leapt on the change of topic.

"We'll run out of time before the exam," Neji said, frowning thoughtfully as he read over Naruto's shoulder.

"We'll still see each other after the exam," Hinata pointed out. "Well, except perhaps Gaara-san…but we could…write letters?"

"Eh, we'll worry about it as we go," Naruto said airily. "Everyone—except Neji—make sure to organize the morning off from training…hmm…in two days? It'll be awesome!"

"I'm not sure that's the best plan," Hinata cautioned.

"Of course not, it's one of Naruto's plans," Sasuke said.

"No, it's gonna be _awesome_, believe it!"

* * *

Another night, another round of surveillance.

Cat and Mouse had Bear tied and gagged while they considered this latest development. It was better than a soap opera.

"I have to say, I'm quite concerned about this new boy," Mouse said. "Even without the Hokage's warning."

Bear grunted fervently in agreement.

"I know it sounds strange, but I've known Naruto for a long time, and he just has this—effect—on people. It's hard to explain," Cat said.

Bear made a skeptical noise.

"A good effect?" Mouse asked. "Because I can see him irritating the hell out of everyone he meets, no problem."

Cat laughed. "Well, he does that, too. But for someone who couldn't get a kind word from a single person in the entire village until he was ten, Naruto is exceptionally skilled at making friends. Already he has all of his yearmates and Gai's team hanging out at Ichiraku's with him, and Iruka's put more than one person in the hospital for bad-mouthing Naruto in his presence."

"That's true…"

"And that's just the beginning. Just look at the last few days! Not only does he have the Hyuuga heiress and an embittered branch member peacefully cohabitating, but he's somehow convinced _Jiraiya of the Sannin_ to train him, even though the man hasn't taken another student since the Yondaime. It's crazy."

"Well when you put it like _that_. I know I _still_ can't believe that Neji and Hinata are actually getting along. He didn't have a civil word for her back at the compound."

"Just being around Naruto has a positive influence on people. Kakashi's like that, too."

Bear scoffed.

Cat kicked him.

"Not to side with the rookie, but—Kakashi? Positive influence?"

"Well, when he first joined ANBU, he was textbook perfect, totally obsessed with the rules, always focused on the mission. He still has the longest assassination record of any Konoha ninja in history."

"That doesn't sound like Kakashi at all."

"Well, after a few years, his personality did a complete 180 and he became more like the Kakashi we know and are annoyed by today. You've been assigned primarily to the village, right?"

"Yes, I've never worked with Kakashi personally. I know of him, of course."

"Well, then you know that he has that philosophy: those who abandon their mission are trash, but those who abandon their comrades are worse than trash. It's totally against everything ANBU stands for of course, but he was so damn good that they couldn't kick him out—and believe me, they tried. And instead of changing his mind, _he_ changed _them._ Everyone clamored to serve on Kakashi's squad because he had a 100% survival rate. When you went on a mission with Wolf, nine times out of ten he was the only one to even get a scratch. So now there's a whole generation of us who are ANBU but still understand the concepts of 'team' and 'comrade.'"

"Like you," Mouse observed.

"Yes, like me. The hardliners think he polluted the organization, but Kakashi believes in the same Konoha that the Yondaime did—that the purpose of ninja is to protect, and no Konoha shinobi ever leaves a comrade behind."

"And Naruto is that kind of shinobi, as well?"

"Oh yeah. He'd certainly make an _interesting_ Hokage, no mistake there."

"Well, I suppose we could see how the situation plays out with this weird sand kid, then. But the first sign of him trying to hurt Hinata and we're taking him out."

"Of course."

Bear grunted, straining at his bonds.

"You don't get a vote," Cat told him sternly. "You already let Sasuke get attacked once, so you should know better than to disobey your superiors."

Bear glared at him.

"But just so we're clear," Mouse added, "no matter what super friendship jutsu Naruto has, if he tries to 'fix' Orochimaru I'll be forced to draw the line."


End file.
